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Robb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:10 AM
Original message
Son of "Only the Punchline" thread
(feel free to add the setup if it's real obscure)


"Rectum? Hell, nearly killed 'em!" :D

"Gooooo toooo the theaterrrrr....! :D
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TheDebbieDee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:14 AM
Response to Original message
1. Here's mine.....
And the doctor said, "It's blind, too."
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kanrok Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:42 AM
Response to Reply #1
18. That's one of my favoirte jokes
Sick...but funny.
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kmla Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:15 AM
Response to Original message
2. "Crushed nuts?" "Nope - broke my leg!"
"Well, all good singers clear their throats before they sing."
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zbdent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:20 AM
Response to Original message
3. "It's all in the delivery."
n/t
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eyesroll Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:24 AM
Response to Original message
4. "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

(Sorry. I just got my Freaks & Geeks DVD.)
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MissMillie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:25 AM
Response to Original message
5. "Your mother's on the roof...." (n/t)
.
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Parrcrow Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:25 AM
Response to Original message
6. So I bit him
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CO Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:26 AM
Response to Original message
7. "If I Could Walk That Way, I Wouldn't NEED The Powder!"
:-)
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Ganja Ninja Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:26 AM
Response to Original message
8. And the Rabbi said...
No charge, I only take tips.
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CO Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:28 AM
Response to Original message
9. "He Was Wearing a HAT!!!"
:-)
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moof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:31 AM
Response to Original message
10. Irregardless that is still dookus's tookus.
n/t
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billybob537 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:35 AM
Response to Original message
11. Fuckin dis custard!
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CO Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:36 AM
Response to Original message
12. "Peter - I Can See Your House From Here!!"
:-)
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NewHampshireDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:07 PM
Response to Reply #12
32. Dammit ...
that was going to be mine ... :evilgrin: That's one of my favorites, but can't really tell it around Easter :(
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radfringe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:36 AM
Response to Original message
13. ..."there's a knot in the rope..."
...so I can roll down the window when it gets hot

...don't look at me, the dang fool makes his own lunch

...he saw his shadow and went back in for six more weeks

...I can see your house from up here
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MissMillie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:36 AM
Response to Original message
14. "He puts the panties on his head and says....
...deese will fit 'er!"
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AlCzervik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:36 AM
Response to Original message
15. And then the Doctor said
You're ugly too!!!......rim shot please!
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MissMillie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:37 AM
Response to Original message
16. "Ten bucks, same as downtown." (n/t)
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woofless Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:39 AM
Response to Original message
17. She: "What does she have that I don't?"
He: "Parkinson's"
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Hemprus Donating Member (201 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:37 PM
Response to Reply #17
38. awesome
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kanrok Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:43 AM
Response to Original message
19. "Melvina, Paulina and Lunt"
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CO Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:49 AM
Response to Original message
20. "I Bought My Wife a Fur Outfit - A Gun and a Trap!"
Tribute to Henny Youngman, The King of the One-Liners.
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Redbear Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:50 AM
Response to Original message
21. I didn't say she was nuts...
I said she was f'ing Goofy!
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BringEmOn Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 10:50 AM
Response to Original message
22. "...but, the punchline's too long."
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billybob537 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 01:06 PM
Response to Original message
23. He's a post turtle!
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Lizz612 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-13-04 01:12 PM
Response to Original message
24. Fffffffffffsssssshhhhhhhh!
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CO Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 10:40 AM
Response to Original message
25. "Well, You Tell Mister Tur-TELL and Mister Buz-ZARD....
...that Mister Ra-BITT is here with the shit!"

:-)
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Aristus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 11:23 AM
Response to Original message
26. This one is for high-brow, cerebral types:
".....so then the concertmaster shook the conductor warmly by the hand and said: 'You're right, of course. Nothing is more Wagnerian than a diminished minor seventh!'"
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Blue_Tires Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 01:19 PM
Response to Original message
27. "you dumb genie!"
"I didn't wish for a 12-inch pianist; I wished for a ...."
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Tredge Donating Member (152 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 06:59 PM
Response to Original message
28. I stole some of these...
From Leisure Suit Larry:

1) So the lumberjack says, "No problem - Thursday's your night in the barrel."

2) The nun turns to the priest and replies, "20 dollars Father, same as in town."

From Letterman:

3) The Scotsman smiles and says, "That's no bagpipe sonny, but ye can keep on blowin' it!"

Seinfeld:

4) "They should call it 'Roundtine.'"

Random:

5) And her son cries, "No, I was jerking off and I killed the dog!"

6) "Well," said the man, with a smirk on his face, "I bet these fuckers 200 bucks that I could piss all over the place and not get kicked out."
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bloodyjack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:02 PM
Response to Original message
29. "Don't laugh! You're next!"
"Whur's the escavator?"

"Are you sure it's yours?"

"Business before pleasure"

"Toss in a bar of soap"

"Why don't you shift ze potato to ze front of ze sweemsoot"
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blondeatlast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:05 PM
Response to Original message
30. "At these prices, you won't see many more!"
"Sorry, bartender, the other one's for my date..."
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blondeatlast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:16 PM
Response to Reply #30
34. Setup for number 2:
Edited on Wed Apr-14-04 07:18 PM by blondeatlast
Guy goes to a bar, orders two beers. Drinks beer one, proceeds to pour beer 2 through his cupped hand.

Orders another round. Drinks one, pours beer 2 through cupped hand.

Another round--but the bartender stops him. "Listen, I'll sell you ONE beer at a time; I'm sick of cleaning up the damn mess!"

Insert punchline and guffaws here. This is, no joke here, the only even close to dirty joke I know.

Edit: typos from laughing so hard.
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Tredge Donating Member (152 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-15-04 07:56 AM
Response to Reply #34
57. Well I gotta say...
...dammit that's the stupidest joke I ever heard!
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NightTrain Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:06 PM
Response to Original message
31. So the farmer tells the traveling salesman, "Oh, those...
...little white dots were maggots. My daughter's been dead for six years!"
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NewHampshireDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:12 PM
Response to Original message
33. "That one's for you, that one's for the butcher."
Or, how about:

"Sure enough, there were three more accordians in the back seat."

Or,

"You could still hitchhike, as long as you were excited about where you're going."

And, finally,

"You want your tits shot off?"
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blondeatlast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:21 PM
Response to Reply #33
36. Okay, please setup the last one--it's rather disturbing on its own. nt
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NewHampshireDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-15-04 04:48 AM
Response to Reply #33
54. Okay, short version
Little kid in cowboy outfit goes into icecream parlor ... orders a sundae ... girl behind the counter asks him if he wants ...

"Hot fudge?"
"Yes"
"Whipped cream""
"Yes"
"Cherry on top""
"Yes"
"Crushed nuts?"
Intsert punchline here ...

You've never heard that one?!? :shock:
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blondeatlast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-15-04 07:36 AM
Response to Reply #54
56. Read post #34; my "cultural" intelligence is pathetically lackluster!
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blondeatlast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:18 PM
Response to Original message
35. "But he's OUR dingbat!" nt
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Norbert Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:35 PM
Response to Original message
37. Who cares about the rat story, do you have a bronze statue of a Republican
.
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gbwarming Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:51 PM
Response to Original message
39. They lie awake at night, wondering if there really is a dog.
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mitchum Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:58 PM
Response to Original message
40. "So could I. Mine's as big as a house!"
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ironflange Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 07:58 PM
Response to Original message
41. So the doctor says
"The guy in the next room will give you five bucks for your slippers."
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asthmaticeog Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 08:02 PM
Response to Original message
42. One has cunning stunts...
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guitar man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 08:06 PM
Response to Original message
43. climb up there and slide down just one more time
....and I'll blow the little SOB right through the ceiling!!!!
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rucky Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 08:24 PM
Response to Original message
44. (pulls down pants & bends over)... "You tell ME, lady!"
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C_eh_N_eh_D_eh Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 09:07 PM
Response to Original message
45. "Look, kid, I'm out of money and I don't even like football!"
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Norbert Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 09:21 PM
Response to Original message
46. The bartender said, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
.
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CO Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 09:35 PM
Response to Original message
47. "The "ATR" Button Was for the Automatic Tampon Remover..."
"...and your penis is under your pillow."
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Ricdude Donating Member (218 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 10:04 PM
Response to Original message
48. You'd think the second one would have ducked!
Two guys walk into a bar ...
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opiate69 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 10:29 PM
Response to Original message
49. "...chase her around the room..
and if she coughs, fuck her"

"...Dumbya just jumped with my backpack"
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bubblesby2002 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 10:55 PM
Response to Original message
50. So I hit him with my bag of quarters
badaboom I think that's a realy old one.
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SOteric Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-14-04 11:12 PM
Response to Original message
51. Sure. Who's he gonna tell?
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guitar man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-15-04 01:44 AM
Response to Original message
52. the little SOB.....
...bet me 50 bucks he'd have your pants down before the end of the day!!!
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BritishHuman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-15-04 03:50 AM
Response to Original message
53. And the kid says, "I'm not really a welder."
"Three. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools."

"Now I get an erection every time I see a cheese sandwich."

"You oscillate it's tit a lot."
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Pert_UK Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-15-04 05:07 AM
Response to Original message
55. Four skin-divers....
:evilgrin:

P.
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