Is monogamy natural?

A number of our friends are splitting up after 10, 15, 20 years together. Others are cheating on their spouses while remaining married. I wonder if the custom of "till death do us part" is antiquated - is now passe' since people are living so long. What's your take on this?

Some of my friends are still together. But many of them have split for various reasons - usually one or the other had an affair. If we were meant to be monogamous there would still be titillation in the relationship. Instead it fades to comfort. Maybe for some people that's okay.

Not humans, though.

But then, I can't even get a date. Everybody else gets turned off by people who say they want monogamy.

Monogamy is natural depending on the species. I don't believe humanity is such a species that practices it.

I am unsure why I have concern for other peoples' lives, especially when I have nary one of my own.

And I will never understand.

Now I have to wonder, knowing all this, why I just don't get iggy-jiggy with a guy and get AIDS or something, just be done with it all... Monogamy is not possible and most males, gay or otherwise, know this. :shrug: Why am I different enough to want monogamy? Maybe I am mentally ill?

But it might have more to do with an aversion to work than it just being unnatural.

I mean c'mon, after 20 years you finally figure out that you 'just don't work'? Methinks one or both just quit, and it takes two to make it work. The cheating part? Again, one or both just quitting.

Swans would argue against the unnatural charge. And we're supposedly more advanced than they are.

You're fairly young, right? Think about it this way. Is the same woman you were into five years ago the same one you'd be into now? Have you grown and changed in the past several years? Probably. Being married doesn't stop that as individuals and if you're fairly young when you get married, it can be even more apparent. The trick is trying to somehow find a mesh with the growth of both of you. Sometimes it can happen. Sometimes it can't.

I think the reasons people cheat (unless they're simply moronic hedonists) has much more to do I think with perhaps meeting someone who may fit with wherever they are at the present or finding someone who makes them see themselves differently. Not that I'm trying to justify it, but I can understand why these things happen. In an ideal world, everyone would everyone would solidly end one relationship before they began another, but human beings aren't always perfect.

I think of my grandma. She's 76 and was married nearly 35 years to my grandpa. He wasn't the best man and had some serious personal issues that crept up over the years, but she tried and tried and tried for years to be a good wife and make it work. When she was in her early 50's, she had an affair and their marriage broke apart. She ended up marrying the man she had an affair with and he has given her so far 21 very happy years together and truly loved her. In other words, life can throw people curveballs, but it doesn't mean people are always "bad" or it's black or white.

some people are big fans of serial monogamy!

:toast:

:silly:

...not all hedonists are moronic. :hi:

I think one can be even a hedonistic monogamous if monogamy is done correctly. :7
Some people are polyamourous hedonists and if it's open and all are in agreement- cool for them.
I guess I was thinking along the lines of the misogynistic frat boy mentality that completely objectifies women as sex objects alone (women can use men too on occasion) and just does whatever they feel like whether they are in a supposed committed relationship or not.

and that's a chick to boot - I'm not so sure it is. I'm not sure I could be married to the same person for the rest of my natural life.

I've also found I often grow weary of a relationship after a time, and just don't want to do it (carry on the relationship, you pervs!) any more.

I've ALSO found that often I meet people I am very, very attracted to but know I don't want a romantic involvement with. I don't think marriage would make those sort of attractions go away for me - and I don't think those kind of attractions would go over very well in a marriage.

I dunno - I've always thought I was weird in that respect.

I have my doubts about monogamy as the intended modus operandus for homo sapiens...

but it is beneficial.

It requires however fighting off desires and instincts in return for, hopefully if you've picked the right mate, whats good for you in the long run.

I havent been married, but I suppose its like giving up junk food, or more like picking your favorite junk food but also eating your veggies everyday and a balanced meal.

Its not fun and exciting, but its much better for you then gourging on different types of junk food everyday.

And with that, I am now both horny and hungry. :p

I thought this was an interesting topic. As an existentialist, my perspective on this is that there is no essential "human nature" (so to speak). I would argue that this is so because of choice. I suggest that if we have choice, there is always the option to go against our perceived nature. Thus, our “nature” is capable of change. If our nature can change, then it is not essential as a phrase like “human nature” would indicate. As far as I can tell, the ability to change negates any inherent "nature" or necessity to respond to a given situation instinctively.

"Human nature" methinks then, is basically a way of stereotyping the most common responses as essential. Just my thoughts on the subject.

Welcome to DU!! :toast:

Humans as a species generally have high parental investment, but if you can succesfully pass on your genes without the investment, it's worth it genetically.

When you look at most mammals, they do not not have lifelong monogamy and I'd like to think that somehow we have evolved into something more, but we're often subjected to similar chemicals in our bodies that at times can affect our thoughts. Humans living until the are 75+ years is also a relatively new concept. Until the past Century, the average lifespan was often into one's 40's and 50 was getting "old". Now this is no longer the case and we have to reconcile all the growth and changing we may do over our lifespan with partners who may either not grow or grow in different ways. We are all human and sometimes human cannot live up to the perfection they desire to attain within themselves when they do not have needs being met.

I have often heard that for most relationships, after about three years, the "passion" fades to contentment. Passion and sex are very important, but most certainly not enough by themselves to keep everything going anyway. For me, I love both (I need both) and I know that both can be attained at once. I've been there. Sometimes though, that contentment left unnurtured can lead to inertia or lack of meaningful communication for long periods of time leading to mutually destructive patterns within a relationship. When that happens, it's very hard to go back and make it feel okay again. It's possible perhaps, but when one person feels forced into it, it can be much harder.

That being said, monogamy is possible. I, personally, have no polyamourous leanings as I enjoy the emotional intimacy of just having that one special person, but the question of life-long monogamy vs. perhaps an inevitable desire for change in the sense of serial monogamy is other issue. I'm sure for a few, life-long monogamy is possible and frankly, I envy those who have attained it happily. I think, though, it requires two people both massively in love, the willingness to be completely honest, and the willingness for continuous growth in the spirit of togetherness.

Honestly I think we humans weren't designed to live this long.

Also, I think the monogamous relationships we have were a result of the first social contract. Most primates fall into pack-structured social groups. One alpha male gets all the females, and the others don't, but try to breed when Alpha is not looking.

Well all the non-alphas, sick of this, got together and agreed "let's kill alpha, and then each of us can breed - but the rule is one woman to a man."

So it's not natural, but its been the way we've been able to survive as a society this long. Natural is not necesarrily better - but that's not to say its worse either.

that is one of the most male-centered theories I think I've ever heard.

Speaking as someone on the receiving end of a cheating significant other, and also as someone who's parents were divorced early in life, I sure hope monogamy is a natural state, because it's what I want in my life.

My ultimate goal is to find that one other person who can take me at face value, wanting the passion and romance but also realistic in knowing that we are all people with imperfections. It can't be 70 degrees and sunny all the time, so you just make the times that are count toward the times that aren't.

I have been with the same person pretty much happily for more than 20 years - cohab for 10 plus and married for 13. It is not always easy, and sure, complacency can set in. But you can change, grow and still be passionate about and with that person, if you are lucky to find the right fit, willing to work hard for the long run, and try to accept the person as they are. JMO

Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation by Olivia Judson. It is hysterical and enlightening.

I just celebrated my 21st anniversary. My relationship has gone through many phases - each one new and different. Always, I love him more than anything else in the world.

In more ways than one.
;-)

Nor is it essential to a successful marriage. Honesty is. If you and your spouse hold differing views on the necessity of monogamy, the marriage assuredly will not survive. However, there are many people living quite happily in mutually non-monogamous marriages.

:evilgrin:

atleast for me

a beautiful wood (or a bad Diana Ross movie). :)

That's the kind of relationship I want to have.

You're always going to feel attraction for other people - that's the way our bodies are wired-up. But acting on that attraction is not something I would want to do. I have very traditional ideas about love and marriage, and I want the happily ever after ending.

Actually, what do you mean by natural. In a sense, if it occurs, it's natural. But I do think that most people have many natural impulses against monogamy, but choose to be monogamous anyway for a lot of good reasons.

the only people who make it are the ones who are able to endlessly put up with someone else.

most couples screw around a lot when they're young and eventually mate for life. Make of that what you will.

I think monogamy is probably a natural enough state for mankind.

I think society and culture have given us a different set of demands in our relationships, a wider set of options to seek out in our companions and a level of self-indulgence, short focus and superficial emotion that is not conducive to monogamy. But I think it's wrong to assume that's a natural state for all of mankind. It's maybe closer to accurate to say that it's what we're becoming.

I have no desire whatsoever to be with anyone other than my husband.

You have to remember that when the entire concept of monogamy and marriage, etc. was spawned, our average life span was ALOT shorter than it is now. I think that it all depends on what a particular individual is looking for going into a relationship. The biggest reasons relationships fail and for infidelity in my eyes is that rarely do you find two people on the same page in regards to what they REALLY want.

Think about the dating (mating) ritual. Most, not all, of us are on our best behavior and say what we think the other person wants to hear. And it generally doesn't get any better as we get further into a relationship and become serious about each other. Nobody talks about what is really important to them and what they really want, they play the candy and flowers game of love and worry about it after the wedding.

I have a bigger problem with it now than I have in the past, only because as I've become more independent and self sufficient, my priorities regarding men have changed drastically. Can I be faithful to one man? Sure I can, if that man is meeting my needs, both in the bedroom and out of it. So I tend to be pretty blunt and up front about my needs and expectations now, but I'm beginning to see that most men are scared off by that. Ah well, one day my prince will come and if he doesn't, that's okay too. :+