THings that I am grappling with right now.

There don't seem to be a lot of jobs out there. It is irritating for a lot of people and it has been for 3 or 4 years for some. I cannot seem to find a job outside of the service or sales sectors right now. Most jobs that are readily available involve some form of solicitation it seems. I really don't expect anything good to happen soon.

Sometimes, I feel like a failure in social situations. On another note, earlier this week, I was surfing on a personals site where I have a profile, and I got IM'd from some girl in Massachusetts. We talked for like an hour or more. She told me that she liked my picture and thought I was cute. I returned the gesture. We exchanged email addresses and I emailed her a couple days later. Never heard back from her. I have now decided that I am 100% done with trying to pursue things with women. I have been alive for nearly 25 years and there has never been any girl who has ever liked me. I just don't know if I have some fatal flaw.

Can someone be naturally abrasive or is it how life experience affect you? I am trying to figure out how I could have failed in life?

downright depressing. Maybe you should seek actual help outside of DU. Not everyone can help you here.

it's okay to ask for our advice or perspective.

If YOU were down we would rush to try to cheer you up.

We would. Really.

So...

Play nice.

Please?

for me?

alright. It's just that I've seen so many of his posts like this one in here.

I took a bad blow almost 1.5 years ago. I have never fully recovered. I am trying and have tried. But things have been really frustrating. I know that I could have it worse. I could be in Iraq, or related to someone in Iraq. But if this is a problem for you. You can put me on ignore.

I hope that you are not offended. If you are, then I am truly sorry.

probably doesn't compare to yours.

Sorry.

or listening to one of Bush's speeches.

But if he is one of our own we should try to help...

Eeyore is sad but lovable.

Better to be like Pooh.

Hi CDem***

The dating thing....it can be a drag.

I dont know one person who has walked away from the world of romance unscathed. And it seems to me, whenever I specifically seek a dating situation out, it doesnt seem to flow as well as when we are just doing something we enjoy and it catches us off guard. Just my experience.

Perhaps a better way to meet someone is to get involved with a some kind of group, sport or whatever that resonates with you or volunteer on a Colorado race, or jump on with an organization, like with Democracy for America, Americans Coming Together or some other organization.

Youre gonna be fine. We all grapple. Its a human pastime grappling. :) And, speaking of grappling, its also a challenging time right now and its tough to know exactly where we fit some days. Thats why I think its pretty important to connect with other like minded folks. Youll meet some interesting people that way, and who knows, you may meet someone youre interested in dating.

Hang in there ****

:eyes:

no reason to be angry, if ya cant or are unwilling to try help the guy, why not just pass over the thread and leave it alone?

-LK

It seems that self-worth and overall happiness stems directly from the job thing. Unfortunately that's the way we're bred in this culture. Keep plugging on that front, it's never easy.

Once you find a good job other things seem to fall in place.

My $.02. Good luck.

Sounds like tough times have zapped your confidence.

I have a theory, you may think it's bullshit, but I've been around 41 years, I'm a professor, have dated tons of women (that's not a good thing, by the way), and I've seen everything a person can see, believe me. Here's my advice: it takes a girlfriend to get a girlfriend, it takes a job to get a job. In other words, just start really low and work your way up, both in your employment and your personal situation. Date someone you might think is beneath you, take a job you might think is beneath you, then you at least have somewhere to start from and people will think better of you, which will improve your luck. Just a theory!

Plus the 20s suck -- the 30s are much better.

Everyone said that "High School sucks. College is better." "THings will get better when you are 21." Why should I believe that things will be better in my 30's? Then I will be anticipating a time where things should be better and then they will suck. You may have been lucky but I am a very unlucky person with bad timing.


As for jobs, I have tried this whole, low pay shit job thing. I cannot seem to catch a break because the jobs I get hired for are ones where I have to deal with some level of hostility and I am an introvert. I would be fine with something like data entry/tabulation, while I start grad school. Or other things that I don't feel overwhelmed by hostility from other people.


THe woman thing. It might not be a good attitude to look at someone you date as being beneath you. Of course they all look at me that way because they hate me. But, to look at a human being that you spend time with as being beneath you is not an idea that I relish in. If I caught wind that someone was looking at me that way, I would be gone in a flash right after I told them to go to hell.

I am sorry, if I am coming off as mean. I hope that you do not think that I am being too abrasive. If I am, I am truly sorry. Need to work on that.

even if only for 6 months, it gets you comfortable talking to strangers, i used to say maybe 10 whole sentences a week to people outside of my small circle of friends/family. after i started working in sales i started talking more with everyone, had more confidence, ect.

that and a little extra cash cant be bad while your looking for a better job.

-LK

I did get comfortable. I have a college degree. I want something better that is for me.

society is a mess. Jobs are getting suckeed out of the country and we live in a totally materialistic culture.

Jobs are for one purpose: to make money to survive. Do your job well, get paid, and keep your eyes open for the next good gig.

As for relationships - slink makes a good point in that nobody really wants to hang around a complainer. It is not so much being abrasive as being negative that is unpleasant.

However, if you channel that energy into SOMETHING positive (hell, spend your day off working in a soup kitchen or something) - and the positive energy will begin to flow.

When I am with these women, I am not complaining. We talk about common interests. I tell jokes, and I don't whine at all. I smile and talk normal. There is no complaining.

so are men

pheromones play a role


but you have to be out there in play to get your pheromones smelled.

you cannot smell a damn thing via computer.

go out and get sweaty somewhere (around members of the opposite sex who are also getting sweaty). SOMETHING will click eventually.

The desire for something different seems to be an invioable human characteristic.

Live for today.

And maybe you are trying too hard. Relax a bit. Join a hiking club. Trust me the right person will come along.
As far as the job goes, sales isn't such a bad thing (I'm not talking about those lousy soliciting jobs) but a decent sales job can open a lot of opportunities in the future and it will give you confidence speaking with people.
My two cents.

Some have 5 or 6 potential people. Others don't have any. I am one of the latter. I have threatened many times that I am through with women from the standpoint of looking for someone. I mean it now.

ive got a job, but its min wage + a small sales commition... its ok just cause im still a student and living off my parent's dime for the most part. otherwise it wouldnt cut anything... the whole summer's savings will probably get me just enough for books and my part of the tuition this fall.

im pathetic socially as well. your not alone, but dont go looking for it, it conveys an air of desperation. i look at it like fishing, put your line in the water, kick back and enjoy the wait. let it fall into your lap, anything worth having will find you by fate/destiny or whatever you believe in. once it finds you, where you two go from there is up to you. thats my take on it, anyway... ive found the one im looking for (at least i think), now i just have to find a way to make it happen, which in some ways is more confusing if your socially inept like i am.

ill leave you with this, though, one of my friends once told me this when i was in a real depressed state and couldnt see the good in anything, she said:

"search without knowing what you are looking for -- do so diligently that way when you find it you know what you were looking for all along"

hope it helps.

-LK

roll with it.

The fact is that we are in very interesting times (which is a Chinese curse: may you live in intersting times).

Relationships are always difficult, but we are genetically programmed to pursue, relate, conflict, mate, procreate and ultimately to die.

We are also programmed to love by our hormones and our genes.

The culture we have now is largely an artificial one bereft of most natural courses. We are sociologically programmed to "succeed" according to way artificial standards. The Bush economy is a nightmare - but things will improve after Kerry wins the election. I promise. (If Kerry loses the election on the other hand we are ALL fucked and should follow the jobs to Mexico where living is cheaper but sunnier)

If you want to be happy you have to try to find people and activities that YOU enjoy and which are shared experiences.

Don't let the media culture convince you that YOU are a failure. The media culture is a failure.

Trying to adapt to a dysfunctional culture will make you feel like a failure when in reality you are not.

Try to see each day with fresh eyes and envision what you want and need.

The universe is a magical place and if you are open to the magic, with a little bit of effort on your part to make yourself available to it, it will manifest itself.

It will ALWAYS have highs and lows - so you have to be able to roll with those ups and downs.

FIND some like minded people whether on the music scene, the art scene, whatever you are into scene, -- and there WILL be females who share your perspective and even might share your moods and emotions.

Don't let the bastards get you down.

You are here for a reason: to enjoy the magic.

And the magic would not be so special without the shadows and darkness.

Peace and remember: it is NOT you - it is a very interesting time we live in and it is tough all over.

But the magic persists.

Let it find you.

...country that Bush is a good President. THey have succeeded in convincing America that the war in Iraq is justified. They are doing it now in the midst of the torture scandals and the 800 Americans dead. The thousands of dead Iraqis. How has the media failed?

The media is a corporate mercenary.

They have NOT been succesful in selling the war, Bush, the deaths of our soldiers or the deaths of ten thousand Iraqi and Afghani innocents.

The media's failure is in the fact that it LIES. And EVERYBODY knows it.

There are more men than women on these online personals so they can be very choosy. I have put up over 50 of these online ads in the past and only gotten about 5 or 6 legit responses. Of those, two never wrote back more than once, two corresponded with me for a week or two before they just stop answering, and I got in person dates with the other two. One girl was beautiful, but was a certifable bitch and racist, the other was nice, but we just did not click.

It's not about you or your fault. The fact that you got one legitimate response is a big victory for which you should feel proud.

must try and 'think' positive.

Being without a job is a very challenging thing for a person's self esteem. Perhaps you really should seek out a group of people that can help..it's more common than you think.

(speaking from personal experience..been there, done that)

but I did. And frankly in my case, I turned up a lot of women that were interested because I wasn't ready at the time, and only went after the ones who were best suited to hurt me. I don't do that anymore.
Best advice I can give you: don't give up, don't be hard on yourself, and pay attention to your surroundings. If your experiences are anything like mine, there's women that are interested, but for one reason or another you don't see them. Maybe you see someone else at the time, and you shouldn't. Life is like that.
As far as the job situation goes, again, don't give up. The idiot won't be President forever.

Especially if that idiot declares martial law.

He hasn't done it yet. Cross one disaster when we come to it.
It is really easy to get wrapped up in groupthink in a situation like DU. I'm not saying we're hallucinating, or even that I don't think that Dumb and Dumber will try anything to stay in power. But when all of us are here discussing things we clearly hate, and all of us agree, it becomes easy to believe that the worst will happen. There's been a number of times I have been sure that Bush would declare martial law to avoid an election, and I know that I am not alone in this. The thing to remember is: he hasn't yet.
Stay positive. People will react more positive to you. Illegitimi non carborundum est.

You really do sound depressed to me...I see alot of good advice coming to you, but you're totally closed down and unable to receive any of it.

Don't worry, I've been there, I struggle with depression, but it doesn't have to be a permanent state. But you DO have to take some positive action of some sort; if it's a long term depression, therapy may be in order. Recovery groups and 12 steps of various kinds are also good as they don't demand payment, put you in contact with lots of people, many of whom really are working on themselves at a variety of levels and meet frequently, which you may need when you're in a black hole.

You can learn alot, and you'll know the good ones by how serious they are at practicing self-awareness and modeling to those who listen, how it is done. The very best will challenge you when you are pushing yourself deeper into the murk.

It starts with you---looking for everything wrong on the outside to reinforce how rotten you feel on the inside is tempting but serves you poorly.

first of all, i don't think ANYONE fails in life unless they are mean, nasty, and self absorbed like our selected president. now HE is a failure as a human being. you sound like a nice guy. you haven't failed. our society is so materially based that we are often led to believe unless we own our own homes, have a profitable career, & have the 2.4 kids, etc. then we have failed as human beings. if you base success on that, you will always feel empty.

the secret is to feel good about yourself without the props (titles, resume fillers, cars, etc). EXERCISE. it does WONDERS to help with stress, anxiety, and depression. you don't have to run ten miles. i don't know what your health situation or physical limitations, but i find that exercise does wonders to clear the cobwebs and fumigate the funk.

you don't have to join a gym or spend any money. go for a walk. pace yourself & don't overexert. and make goals and plans while you are walking. just be consistent and do it everyday. that in itself is a major accomplishment.

concentrate on the positive. and that may be sound like a tall order. but if you are like my husband who thinks in terms of doing, i say concentrate on what needs to be done. focus your energies into your to do list. i'm like that. i concentrate on what i can DO. it can be very small things. but that's where it starts. pour all your energies into doing something to help your goals.

i truly believe the romance comes when you feel good about yourself enough to not need a significant other. when we can stand on our own and be content with ourselves is when i think most people find their mates. and sometimes your mate comes in different forms: organizations, volunteering, hobbies, projects, pets, etc.

i know it can get overwhelming. don't look up. baby steps. baby steps. i swear that was my mantra for 6weeks. i kept saying it over and over. it may not work for everyone. but this has helped me get through crisis after crisis and various funky ruts.

you may need to go get professional help. but whatever it is you need to do, YOU must make the first step. and until you come to that realization, you will get nowhere fast. i wish you the best on your healing journey.

bebe