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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:16 PM
Original message
Name a suitable punishment for stealing my Sunday paper
This morning for about the fourth time this year some brainless, lazy, shithole, fuckwitted scab-turd stole an integral part of my Sunday morning ritual, my newspaper. :grr:

The delivery guy was great, and brought me a new one. He stocks extras on Sundays just for that reason.

If I could catch the sonofacrumbsucker who stole my paper just ONCE, name your preferred method of revenge that I should try.
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punpirate Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:17 PM
Response to Original message
1. Given the general state of the media today...
... and perhaps depending upon your local paper, perhaps the perpetrator should be forced to read the whole thing, rather than just the sports section....
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:23 PM
Response to Reply #1
4. this isn't so bad for a local paper
They ran anti-Reagan cartoon yesterday, suggesting that if he gets on the $10 bill, it should be printed in red ink.

Then they printed an op-ed from a GWU professor who defended Alexander Hamilton and said it was much too hasty to put Reagan on any currency.

Thet have a good balance of letters too, with the wingnuts getting representation from the same 3 or 4 losers every week. Love watching them get shot down the next day or two.
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DS1 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:19 PM
Response to Original message
2. Mine would be holding a grenade pin in place
If those nasty DemonRATS weren't always taking away my FREEDOM!
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Don_G Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:19 PM
Response to Original message
3. A 72 Hour Reaganthon
Coffee and beer provided with no bathroom privileges.
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physioex Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:23 PM
Response to Original message
5. Mmmm...Ask Lynndie England...I am not very creative...EOM
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:24 PM
Response to Reply #5
6. too mundane
Strictly amateur.
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Doctor Smith Donating Member (255 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:27 PM
Response to Original message
7. I found a paper on my driveway this morning
that I don't subscribe to. Maybe it's yours.
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AlCzervik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:29 PM
Response to Original message
8. vicious rhetoric!
i hope you catch them in the act.
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:30 PM
Response to Reply #8
9. I'm good at that
Get plenty of practice right here on DU. ;-)
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StaggerLee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:36 PM
Response to Original message
10. A little gasoline and a pair of good running shoes
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Cuban_Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:37 PM
Response to Original message
11. Roll it up and whack his butt with it!
:P
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jus_the_facts Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:39 PM
Response to Original message
12. Get up reeeeal early and get a paper....THEN....when yours comes...
....stuff it with the excrement from your cat box...so when the thief gets it....IT'S FULL OF POOP! :evilgrin:
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:40 PM
Response to Reply #12
13. HAHAHAHA!!!!!
I want Katy to have a chance to read it, so maybe I better buy a dupe... it would be worth it! :D :D :D
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jus_the_facts Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:45 PM
Response to Reply #13
20. Yeah.... some cat poop for a real SHITHEAD.......
.....juuuust...ask me anything! ;-) :D

:hi:
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:46 PM
Response to Reply #20
21. Kiko's poop is LETHAL
It violates toxic waste codes.
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jus_the_facts Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:51 PM
Response to Reply #21
26. LMAO....eeew...poop poop pee spew.....
....I hear ya...my Angel's isn't very heavenly either! :o
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:41 PM
Response to Reply #12
14. YOU WIN!!!
Okay, had to add that this is the best suggestion yet!!! No one can beat it! :D
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StaggerLee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:43 PM
Response to Reply #14
18. Agreed!
:D
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jus_the_facts Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:48 PM
Response to Reply #14
22. Thank you....thank you very much...*bows*...
.....I guess I can be a devious bitch when I wanna be! :7
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wtmusic Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:41 PM
Response to Original message
15. Stake him to an anthill with honeyed testicles
a la Slaughterhouse Five
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:42 PM
Response to Reply #15
16. if you're ever in Cody, Wyoming
Look me up.
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name not needed Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:42 PM
Response to Original message
17. its nothing a rusty chainsaw cant fix
:)
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MikeG Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:43 PM
Response to Original message
19. Whatever the local laws provide for tresspass and petty larceny.
Edited on Sun Jun-13-04 05:47 PM by MikeG
Report him or her to the police.
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Solly Mack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:48 PM
Response to Original message
23. decoupage them using the stolen paper
Edited on Sun Jun-13-04 05:50 PM by Solly Mack
"Decoupage can be as expensive or inexpensive a hobby as you wish. Certainly the tools required are -few—scissors, X-Acto knives, razor blades, pencils, paste, glue, varnish, turpentine, lacquer, thinner, oil paints, brushes, sandpaper, and a sheet of glass are about all that are -required, together with the decoupage materials themselves. Either way, no hobby will bring as many hours of pleasure or more compliments on your finished work as this old-time art."

http://www.craftown.com/instruction/decoupage.htm

How to Decoupage an Egg:
http://www.durwinrice.com/pages/eggprocess.htm
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buddhamama Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:49 PM
Response to Original message
24. pull out their eyeslashes one by one with tweezers
not only will hurt reaaalll bad, they'll look odd and be reminded daily of their crime.

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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:53 PM
Response to Reply #24
27. ouch!
I thought you were sweeter and kinder than me! :o ;-)
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buddhamama Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 06:02 PM
Response to Reply #27
30. "the punishment should fit the crime" principal is sooo outdated
Edited on Sun Jun-13-04 06:03 PM by buddhamama
get medieval on his or her ass.
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JohnLocke Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 06:20 PM
Response to Reply #30
35. ROTFL
"Get medieval on his ass." :D
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Cuban_Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:49 PM
Response to Original message
25. This is a much bigger problem than people realize
Paddy winds up replacing about 20 papers a day. :grr:
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jrthin Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:53 PM
Response to Original message
28. I know exactly how you feel, as I have
had the same experience. I woke up at 5am to catch the sob, and still the sob denied it. So my preferred method of revenge is a mouse trap to snap that sucker's finger off.
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Magrittes Pipe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 05:54 PM
Response to Original message
29. Death...
...by unga-bunga!
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SOteric Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 06:07 PM
Response to Original message
31. Bait a trap.
Edited on Sun Jun-13-04 06:07 PM by SOteric
Rise abnormally early and coat the front and back section pages of your newspaper with cayenne or white pepper.

Then place it back in it's orginal position on the stoop. At some point in the early morning shrieking and shouting and jumping up and down will come from the vicinity of the bathroom in the home of one of your neighbours. This will be the culprit. You will smile and know they've been punished.
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Commie Pinko Dirtbag Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 06:08 PM
Response to Original message
32. Tie him to a timebomb
with enough arm movement to type characters on a keyboard. Give him the Sunday paper and tell him the password to disarm the bomb is the 3rd word of the 8th line of the 1st column of page 4 of the sports section. Of course, page 4 of the sports sections is missing.

Whether the bomb is a dud, or real, I leave to your discretion.
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greatauntoftriplets Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 06:09 PM
Response to Original message
33. My problem is that the damn paper....
...arrives one hour after I get up!
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brokensymmetry Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 06:12 PM
Response to Original message
34. Well...if you really want to get cruel...
go out and buy about 10 grams of silver nitrate powder. I'd suggest USP grade, since that's cheaper than reagent grade.

Get a fake paper and put it out early - say, around 3 AM. Then dust the paper with a little silver nitrate powder.

The silver nitrate powder will adhere to the skin. Exposure to light causes it to turn black. No, it can't be washed off - it must wear off. Some users experience a slight burning sensation.

Yes, I've done it. The statute of limitations has expired. :evilgrin:
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 06:30 PM
Response to Original message
36. Force him/her to read the Parade Magazine, out loud,
word for word, with no coffee ahead of time. That's cruel and unusual!
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 07:10 PM
Response to Reply #36
38. that's generally true
But today's issue had 2 redeeming features... one on the current state of unmanned space exploration (of which I am a big supporter - Parade has always championed this, and used to have the late Carl Sagan as their science editor), and an interview with Keira Knightley.

Otherwise, a waste of paper, I would agree.
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stavka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 06:53 PM
Response to Original message
37. Having to read it. (nt)
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Spider Jerusalem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 07:11 PM
Response to Original message
39. The rack. And thumbscrews.
Or maybe drawing and quartering.
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texas1928 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 07:26 PM
Response to Original message
40. Hang them by their toes
and drop red ants down their nose.
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kodi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-13-04 07:36 PM
Response to Original message
41. since its not the first offense, i would support crucifixion
and george bush would too.
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