New HR Policy at my company...This may go national!

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we
will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.


SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.


BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort!should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.


RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
the "Chronic Offenders" category.


LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive work environment for everyone. If you have any concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, or input, it
should be directed elsewhere.

At my office we are required to give two weeks notice of our own deaths.

It makes for tricky planning.

Lucky!

Had me going for a second.

Ask the evil HR manager.

g

you need to send it to F*ckedcompany. Next, you need to find another job.

...but a long time ago, I did work for a company in NYC that required that all employees wipe and dry the restroom sinks after washing their hands. For real.

There was about 1/2" of water around there this morning.

Worse part, they issue these people firearms.

DEATH WHILE ON DUTY

It has come to the attention of the management that far too many employees are dying on duty and failing to fall down. This creates confusion as the deceased employees' torpor is mistaken for the natural movement of the staff. Effective immediately, failure to fall down after death will be grounds for immediate termination.

In certain cases, we proffered a pay envelope to the employee presumed dead, but found that the reflex to grab a paycheck survived post mortem, so this was discarded as a means of determining if an employee was actually dead.