My father passed away yesterday - he was only 57.

He passed away from a pretty big heart attack at home in my mom's arms. It was from a ruptured artery, so even if that had happened at the hospital, there wasn't anything that could have been done. I am of course saddened, but I am also "at peace" because I have no regrets. Last weekend he, my mom, my sister (who is 16 yrs old), myself, my wife and our 5 yr old son all went over to their house for a BBQ, a swim in their pool and I watched a movie with my father and my son while the my wife, my mom and my sister just sat together and talked. It was a great last memory to have, and I know he was happy.

Though his passing was unexpected, he had a good life insurance policy and substiantial equity in their home, so financially, things should be okay. My mom is holding up well, as she's a strong woman, but my concern is for my sisters. I am the oldest at 28 and have 3 younger sisters (21, 19 and 16). The 21 year old is taking it very well, and she was close to him and has no regrets. My 19 yr old sister is the "black sheep" of the family and took it the hardest, presumably because she has considerable regrets, and was supposed to have lunch with my father the day before he died (for the first time in a LONG time), but had to "cancel" because she got a bit too busy. My youngest sister was the only one who still lived at home with my mom and dad, and she - as a result - was very close to him - a "Daddy's girl". She's also going to have a difficult time, but is still holding up well.

Has anyone gone through a similar situation that can offer any recommendations in regards to funeral plans, helping with my mom/sisters, and any other info that may help me in general? This is unexpected, and I am going to be in charge of most of it - but it's all (obviously) new to me.

Thanks.

:cry:

I'm very happy you were able to have such a great memory to savor.

As far as the funeral is concerned, certainly he and your mother must have discussed HOW he wanted to be buried/cremated.

As far as what is addressed in the funeral. It is something I recommend you really CREATE with your family....funerals are for the living...possibly including his close friends in the planning as well...choosing music that mattered to him or that reminds you and your family of him.

Again, my condolences.

day with your dad before his sudden passing.

so sorry to hear about this. I don't have any solid advice for you re: your exact situation. But in general, I'd say do take the time to look out for yourself. All the planning and detail work may foestall grieving and when it hits, allow it to happen. Don't kid yourself that you always have to be the stong one. Allow youself to withdraw or reach out as *you* see fit.


Prayers for your and your family.


:hug:

Hugs and hugs and hugs is the only advice I can offer.

Oh, man, that sucks. I'm so sorry. It's good that your family is relatively close, though. Death is a bitch; death with unresolved heavy issues sucks so much more.

It's cliche, but true: Your sisters will turn to you as the Man Of The Family. My younger brother is the youngest of six children, but he's the Man Of The Family, by dint of his status as parent of 4 kids and stable lifestyle. I never hesitate to turn to him. Every family has a Man (and a Woman, for that matter,) and you're It.

Love each other, and don't be afraid to say so, every day. God bless you all.

I used to work in a funeral home, so I could offer the following practical suggestions:

1. Don't overspend. It's easy to do.

2. Make it a good 'fit' for your dad. There's no formula that has to be followed, so make the service something that truly reflects HIS life and values.

3. Have someone else help you at the funeral home, preferably a close friend or relative; their objectivity will be useful.

4. Ask your Mom and sisters what their expectations are, and let those help guide you in your choice of a service.

Other than that, all I can say is to trust yourself and your judgment. A funeral is a very personal expression of life, and you know your dad as well as anyone.

:hug:

My Dad died at 58 from a massive heart attack at home over 20 years ago.
Make sure the "black sheep" sister knows that he loved her too...spend some extra time assuring her on that. It's very, very important. I know...I was a black sheep. :hug:

my dad and mom had their funeral plans preplanned, so when dad passed in 1997 at 81, it was pretty much taken care of. but 57 is so young it seems doubtful he would have plans made, but maybe. please don't be afraid to ask friends for assistance through this. you are still in shock. take care of yourself.

get up and share their personal story about your father. Some will make you laugh, some will make you remeber his soft side, some will make you remember his loving side, etc.

I haven't buried my parents yet but I have buried all of my grandparents, with whom I was very close and it really is nice when you get people up to talk and share a story. They will leave you with a complete picture.

I am sorry to hear about your loss. The next several days won't be easy. My thoughts will be with you.

I stronly urge you to follow Padraig's advice regarding the funeral home.
Be there for everyone and let them be there for you.

let us be there for you too in any way that we can.

Remember to give yourself time to grieve while you are in charge of things. You are hurting and need support just like the rest of your family. Be sure to talk, talk, talk, talk and cry along with it, don't hold back. He was far too young and I really hate that. I lost my father 20 years ago, but it still hurts. Be good to yourself.

I've lost both my parents, so I understand how it hurts. I wish I had some practical advice, but all I can think to say is let the grieving happen however it happens. There's no one right or wrong way to be, to feel, to act and react; it's different for everyone, and sometimes it's different minute to minute. It's one of those passages where there's no going around it, there's only going through it. It's so hard, but know that it won't always feel the way it does today.

I hope your sister can know that her Dad knew that she loved him, and that he loved her.

It sounds like you're concerned about taking care of everyone, but please be sure to take time for yourself, as well.

Again, my deepest sympathies.

:hug:

If you do a search for "Funeral Plans" on goggles you should find many helpful ideas. There are poems and books available on the web as well. I can't remember the name of it but one can be downloaded and it was extremely helpful when I lost my Aunt last year.

I lost my father 30 years ago. My wise uncle told me...

..Don't put too much money in the ground(casket costs are very high)
.. Don't give away ANY thing to any relatives/friends until 5 -6 months after you are grieving( you are so sentimental at this time that you will start giving relatives and friends things that you should NOT give them.)
..make sure ALL valuables are taken to another location. I'm telling you, more people have lost treasures when "visitors" come to see the family.

I also buried my aunt last year. Since I don't know what religion you are,this may be of no benefit. But, I treasure the audio tape of the service for my Aunt. I listen to it over and over again.
During the service, you are in such shock that you are really not listening or seeing. So, we hired someone to take pictures of the family and guest before and after the service. We also had a family photograph done that I gave to all the family members when the estate was settled. That makes a wonderful keepsake for grandchildren for many years to come.

Take time to cry and sit by yourself during this time.

Have someone put a message on your answering machine, if you have one.

Example..." The family of ____ appreciates your call. Service will be ___, donations may be made to ______. "

Take Care

As far as funeral plans, the home should walk you through everything; if you use one. I suppose just try to adhere to his wishes, if you know them, and honor his memory as much as possible.

I like to put up a photo collage; especially if there is a cremation or closed casket. Unfortunately, I've been to 3 funerals of my immediate family in 2 years. My daughter was born with only one living grandparent; so we try to see him as often as possible.

I'm glad your family is taking this well. But be warned; sometimes one can hold up under pressure only so long. Don't be surprised if people start losing it. It is only natural to grieve; and everyone does it in their own way.

My prayers are with you and your family.

you can keep the ashes around forever, while you THINK about where to put them...my friends/family have been blown to the wind on top of mountains, sprinkled on the ocean, planted in a memorial garden built on a University campus....the whole "burial plot" purchase and upkeep is just madness, expensive, polluting, and creates an insanity for the family that lasts for years...

Dad can be cremated...his ashes will come back in a box...in the meantime, just set up a NICE memorial service at your local church...a celebration of his life, photos, friends, family, and ask everyone to dress in WHITE and bright colors....

that's a whole lot healthier way to remember him....nobody likes the stupid 'funeral home' smell of formaldehyde, and LOOK of death, and Dad probably wouldn't want that either...paying thousands of dollars to view his GHASTLY pale and DEAD body...just skip that whole part...

that's what I did for both my mom and dad...and they asked for cremation....they both said that funerals were the most ghastly nonsense, and neither wanted to be remembered like that...

Try to lean on people you trust. Usually reputable funeral homes can direct you as to what to do. If you trust the funeral people, let them advise you. Everyone grieves in their own way...your mother is your main concern...try to let your sisters help eachother. Friends and family can be very helpful...don't feel shy about asking them for help and support and assistance...they know that you will be there for them. For me, my Dad's death was sudden but he was 88, not as young as your dad. I was with him when he died but what I remember most is the wonderful tribute his funeral was. So try to leave good memories. I will be thinking of you.

I'm glad you are there for your sisters -- sounds like they will need your strength and sensitivity. Your dad raised a great son!

:hug:

or your Dad. Let your sister know that there are no need for regrets, your dad knows she loves him.

I've never lost anyone suddenly, but I wouldn't expect anyone to "do well" with this. Expect to be miserable, and don't see that as a weakness.

As to your mom, I've heard people say that it often gets toughest when a bit of time passes and everyone seems to wander off and take up their lives again. Just as everyone starts to think you've moved on is when you need the most comfort. Phone calls, lunches, hugs...that sort of thing.

Ms Uly lost her dad 2 1/2 years ago, and she still misses him pretty badly. All peace to you, your mom and your sisters.

I just can't believe that that happened. My dad is going to be 56 in December, so he's not far from that age.

His dad, my granddpa, died in April of a massive heart attack. He was 81. If you want some advice, please ask me.

I will be praying for you.

:hug:

two weeks ago. The whole week after was kind of a blur.

My deepest sympathy goes out to you. I wish I could offer some wisdom on coping with loss, but I'm really struggling myself at the moment. Get counseling if you think you need it.

perspective.

My mother's death was expected, but I think you're all going to go through a range of emotions, especially your "black sheep" sister. There's going to be a lot of anger on her part, and probably not focused anger. My advice would be to see if there's any support group within your church, or if the funeral home can recommend something. She's going to be feeling a lot of guilt, and I think she's going to try and blame it on your father. Sounds weird, I know, but people do that. Your youngest sister probably will also, since she was close to him. This is hard stuff to talk about, and is often easier talking with someone outside the family.

You might want to consider going also. It's been about 6 weeks now, and I'm still in the anger stage myself. I was there for the last month, felt like I did everything I could, but I'm still pissed off that it had to happen.

Good luck--my thoughts are with you.

And be sure to keep in touch with your Sis, she's really gonna need you.

My father died suddenly two weeks before his 60th birthday. I am the eldest of 3, I was 22, my brother was 20 and my sister was 16. I was very lucky, two weeks before he died, I made a surprise visit home. I had also recently written a letter to my dad telling him how much I loved him. My brother was somewhat estranged from my Dad at the time and I know it still bothers him (and it's been almost 24 years now). My sister was Daddy's girl too and she took it the hardest.

Hopefully, your mom has an idea of what type of service your dad would want. We relied heavily on the help from the funeral home for suggestions about the service. We played his favorite music (Pachelbel) and read Kahlil Gibran. The whole thing was really a blur. The best thing we did after the funeral was to go back to the house and tell our favorite stories about my Dad. We laughed and cried all afternoon.

The best advice I can give you it to just take charge if your mom will let you. Gather the paperwork, will/trust, insurance policies, bank account statements, investment/retirement accounts, etc. There is a lot of paperwork that will need to be done. Get several copies of the death certificate, you will need them. Depending on where you live and the size of your father's estate, your may have to go through probate. It's worth the money to get a lawyer involved even if just to tell you that you don't need to go through probate.

If you are close to your sisters, especially the youngest, spend as much time with them as you can. Just listen and provide a shoulder.
Your mom will need some time to grieve on her own.

You have my deepest condolences and best wishes. The next few months are going to be hard, but it will get easier.

My Dad just lost his parents last year after long battles with Parkinson's and Dementia (we also thought Grandma had early stage Alzheimer's). The thing that we did right IMO, was that we used the entire week to celebrate their lives. We got together with my aunts, uncles and cousins for meals while we helped plan the services. We put up displays at the funeral home (Grandpa was a farmer, so his was overalls and toy tractors, pictures, things that reminded us of him; Grandma made a lot of quilts in her lifetime, so we displayed one for each of the grandchildren, which was about 10). After the funeral, we got together again for pizza and wrote out all of the thank you cards together. At each one of these gatherings we talked so much about the things we remembered about them. We didn't have to save all of our emotions for the actual funeral, which is what a lot of people tend to do. I hope this is helpful to you. Again, I am truly saddened by your loss!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

A week ago, I lost my grandfather to cardiac events too (although he was in the hospital for a week before he died). Grief is common for all people, especially when the death is unexpected. Everyone handles it differently though. Just be there for each other.

What a terrible time of year for this to happen (not that there's a good time). My heart goes out to you and your family. :hug:

My father died at 56 of heart disease; I was 21. That was a brutal time.
My mom and sister were in a daze and internalized their pain. Your family may cope with their grief in similar ways. Just let them grieve the way they need to and don't take anything personal if they act (or react) in strange ways.
The first week will probably seem very surreal-the grief comes in waves that are unpredictable.
When the funeral is over and everyone leaves, this will be the time when your mom will need someone (even if she seems to be okay). She may feel completely lost (this happened with my mom) and may do things that don't make sense. Just be available to her and your siblings; call often or visit if they wish.
The best thing is to talk about your father and let your family talk about him-that really helps-especially for your youngest sister. Stay close emotionally.

My heart goes out to you and your family during this time.

My advice is to try not to get too caught up in all the sales pitch at the funeral home - they can really sell you a lot of stuff you don't need. Cremation is a lot cheaper than a burial, if that's an acceptable option for your family. Definitely have a service, if that is what your father would have wanted. It will help bring closure for you. People will want to help you now - take them up on it, trust me.

I just lost my husband last Saturday and I've been really up and down. Sometimes I think you'll find that you feel really strong, like you can handle everything, then one little thing might set you off on a crying jag. Just go with it - your grief is totally individual. Spend time with your family and friends, but don't be afraid to ask for some alone time if you need it.

Please feel free to PM me if I can help you at all with regards to the funeral plans, and please accept my deepest condolences on your horrible loss. That's so young. I'm really, really sorry for all of you and you are in my thoughts.:hug:
:grouphug:

Fifty-seven is so young. :hug:

As for advice, when my Mom passed 5 years ago, we had a third, unemotional party help us with things since emotions get in the way of good judgment. All the business of funeral planning, probate/settling of affairs and all the people who will be there to support you around the time of the wake and funeral take ... your mind away from your immediate feelings.

But once everyone else has returned to their normal life, then the reality of the loss kicks in. It is truly wonderful that your last memory is a good one. Cherish it, but allow yourself the indulgence of an array of feelings that will surface over the ensuing weeks and months, especially at holidays or other family days. Take care of yourself.

it was a long time ago - I was only 19 at the time, and swept up in events. I dropped out of college (temporarily, I thought) to help my mother cope, and got drafted almost immediately. Fortunately, the funeral director was a cousin of my father's, so arrangements could be safely left in his hands. I honestly don't remember much about the whole ordeal; just crying a lot, inconsolably. I really loved my father. I'm older now than he was then, and I count every minute as a bonus. God bless you.

I can't imagine would it would be like to lose him anytime soon. I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

especially so close to father's day. Those of us who have parents that are still alive are indeed fortunate. Once again, condolences to you and your family. Sounds like a strong family unit you have there. Peace be with you.:hug:

I get the impression you are going to handle things very well, you sound very level headed.
Grief is complicated, and everybody goes through it and experiences it differently. Just be there with the family. :hug: So important to give out lots of hugs.

I've never had to deal with funeral plans so unfortunately cannot add anything there.

May your father rest in peace. :hug:

With my mom, and to be honest, I depended so much on other people. I just went through the empty motions and prayed, prayed. I found solace in other people for their prayers and words of comfort. I am extending my prayer to you and your family. There is no easy way to say goodbye from this planet. God bless you, dear.
My mom also died suddenly from an aneurysm at the young age of 55 while she was at work.