I feel so stupid...

Okay, I should have done this a LONG time ago, and it's about time I did. Anyone remember back in June, I posted a thread about how I was having girl troubles? Well, for those that forgot or never seen it, (it's in the old DU) here it is... http://www.democraticunderground.com/cgi-bin/duforum/duboard.cgi?az=show_thread&om=10239&forum=DCForumID69&archive=yes

Anyways, 2 days after I posted that, I went up to her house and asked her out. At first, I was a little afraid. But, after some quick regrouping, I went to her door, and she was there. We talked for a little while, then I asked her out. She said exactly "I would, but I just broke up with someone else, so I need a little time. But, I'll consider it." I thought it seemed kinda good...but she also told me the next, and last day before she went on a three week vacation, was the day before she left. So, I went over to her house that day, and she wasn't there. I tried again twice more, and she still wasn't there. To be honest, I got a little suspicious. Where could one be before a three week vacation out of state? Surely not gone the WHOLE day...

So, I never saw her before she left. So, I waited for three weeks, living like I normally did, until she came back. I was incredibly hopeful, i'm naturally optimistic like that. I even had plans for that weekend (stupid me...). So, she came back, and the day after she did I tried again, and she wasn't there. I tried again, 2 days later...I eventually had to call everything off.

Kinda see where this is going? Well, it was like that for pretty much all of July. It was incredibly emotionally and spiritually-draining. It hurt so much, and it felt worse every day. It wasn't just her, either...all of the sudden, all but 2 of my friends had girlfriends. It made me even more jealous, then lonely, then sad. Then, to make it worse, the friend I already described in the other thread started to "taunt" me about it, almost...ever since then, him and his girlfriend started to hang around me more, of course together and kissing and groping and whatnot...every time I saw them, I wanted to barf. And, it almost seemed like they were doing it deliberately in front of me. I know it prolly wasn't, but it really seemed like it at the time. Of course, making me only more jealous. I also felt like I had no one to turn to...not even DU. I felt like a total failure, and I really didn't want to come off as a kid that was way too emotional. (Don't worry, I don't see it that way anymore)

It started to get really bad towards the beginning of August...I would snap at any of my friends for the tiniest little thing, especially if they asked if I was ok. I honestly grew to hate that question so much at that point, I kept hearing it all the time. My parents and I basically never spoke by then. I would just ignore them, and they'd ignore me. I felt like it was only my faith in god and a few of my DU friends that got me through this. I knew this couldn't go on for much longer, so I decided to give her one last chance. If she doesn't show up at her door this time, I'll be done with her. So, I went to her house....and no one came. So, obviously, I decided I had enough, and I haven't gone back since. I stayed away from my friend's houses for a while, and it eventually got a lot better. I thought it was gonna be smooth sailing for the rest of my summer, and I could enjoy it, for once...

For the most part, it was good, but every so often, I have a night where all I can think about is how stupid i've been or how lonely I feel or how jealous of my friend's happy relationship, like tonight. Except, it's been happening a lot more in the last week. Every time I think about it, I feel more stupid. And no matter what I do, I always seem to think about it. Usually, it's some event that triggers it, however, but it can be anything. And, I just can't stand it anymore.

Which brings me to tonight. I went to the Minnesota State Fair tonight, and I went to the DFL exhibit. I went to the Kucinich table to meet a fellow DUer, and while I was listening to a guy talk about Kucinich, I saw this girl with her dad...she was really cute, and she had a Che Guevera shirt on (and DFL exhibit + Che shirt = LIBERAL!). On the surface, she seemed to fit the bill of my dream girl. I think I normally would have played that off, but something struck me about her...dunno what exactly. Then, of course, I couldn't help but think about the situation i'm in. It had me down for a few hours. Then, when I came home, I saw my neighbors were having a bonfire. Now, I had written a note I was gonna give to the girl I asked out, but I never had the chance to deliver it. I went over there and started a conversation. So, when I did throw in in, one of my neighbors asked what I was doing...and I told them a little about it. Then they just got on me...saying stuff like "oh, don't worry about her, there's other fish out there" or "you should date around and have sex with every girl in the school" and stuff like that. I guess they were trying to help, but they seemed kinda drunk too. It really didn't help at all becuase their theme was "you're 15, it's impossible for you to have feelings for someone else".

Sorry if I bored you already. I really do hate bitching about this too, I hate making people feel bad for me or just boring them with my story. I thank you if you made it this far. Now, what i'm asking is...how do I get over this? Is there anything I can that would help me get over this? It bugs me to no end that I have trouble dealing with this, and it all seems like my fault. It makes me feel so stupid. Any advice is appreciated greatly....

I just wish I was less shy, and wish I had less shyness. Now that said, maybe you will see this girl again and who knows you never know I told you what I thought earlier. I need a girl too man, one who is my profile and who is a lefty :) maybe I am just a little nutty but hey you saw a cute lefty girl. I may find one too, I just need to do more socially thats my problemm.

Or to be more exact, been through before. Someone once told me (In my own situation) that I was in love with the idea of being in love, not neccessarily the person of my desire, my "proximity obsession" (another movie quote, 650 pts. to the first to post the correct answer).

My point is that since you were smitten about this liberal chick from the state fair after your ordeal with the girl that was never there, leads me to belive that this is similar to my past. Make sense at all?

Then I think you are reffering to Vanilla Sky

throwing the note in the bonfire may have been a good symbolic first step.

I wish I had some really good advice to give you Little Bit. Everything I could say is cliches you've probably heard a million times. Give it time, other fish in the sea, etc. (Although I totally disagree with the person who told you you should be having lots of sex.)

A couple of things. First, I think you need to have a discussion with the friend you think was "taunting" you. That's not cool. Second, I don't ever want to hear you refer to yourself as stupid ever again. No self-deprication ok? Ok. You're a bright articulate young man.

Part of me thinks you shoulda made a move on the cute girl. Introduced yourself. Talked a bit. Another part says that's probably not a good idea until you're over the current situation. I'd hate to see you just fall into the same pattern again.

I feel like I'm not being very helpful (or coherent). It's late and if I think of any fabulous advice overnight I'll be sure to respond again. Mostly I just didn't want you to feel like you were out here alone Little Bit. You know if you ever need anything I'm here. Ok? Ok.

Darth Velma

I think you expressed yourself very well.

I had kind of a similar problem in regards to a girl. It was my senior year of H.S. and there was this girl that I really liked. We were in a lot of the same classes. For the first semester, she had a boyfriend, so it didn't really matter how I felt. Then, she broke up with her boyfriend. All I can say is that I wish I had your courage. I never was able to ask her out. Now, she's off to college and I haven't talked to her sense. It's left me many a night wondering. I would have much rather had some sort of closure either way. Probably would have said "No", but would liked to have heard that anyway.

She was a liberal as well. One of the few politically astute people in HS. Actually, the reason why I had some sort of bond with her. One day I had a Bill O'Reilly book on my desk. I'm ashamed, I actually bought his book at one time. I was much younger and hadn't concluded that he was a RW whore. She recognized O'Reilly and came up and had a conversation with me. I remember this one time when I had written an article in my school paper about the attempted Hugo Chavez coup in Venezuela. She was excited about the story even before knowing that I was the one who had written it.

I really appreciate you sharing your story. I'm basically in the same age range as you (I'm 19). I feel like I have a lot in common with you. I am more on the quiet side. I am open when I know somebody well, but have a hard time sometimes meeting people.

If you ever want someone to talk with about things, my AIM is on my profile. I think it helps sometimes to talk with people in similar circumstances.

--Taylor

...after a bad breakup. Desperate to find "the girl", and for two years, one bad dating experience after another. Finally noticing a pattern, here, I took a really good look at myself. I read Eastern philosophy, listened to emo (that stuff worked for me, something else may work for you). When I started getting to really know myself, I started to like myself for the first time, really. There was no one singular moment that changed me, but I knew I was on the right path.

A new attitude must really shine through to other people, because all the acceptance I had been so desperately seeking, just came without me having to try. I'm tellin' ya, they can smell it on ya.

I guess it boils down to another cliche - but cliches are cliches for a reason: You really have to accept yourself first and foremost.

I know enough about you to know there's alot to like.

That always helps me out!

Just kidding, that old "plenty of fish in the sea" thing is just a bad way of saying.... fuck it, you can't always get what you want. Deal with your a nice guy, realize that, and say, "hey I'm a good guy, too bad she isn't interested, oh shit." You know, don't take a girl seriously until she's late (kidding again). But don't take her seriously until you are in a relationship with her. And just lighten up, be active, don't let yourself dwell on it man....


Sidenote, unless she IS a communist - if she is wearing Che get rid of her, she doesn't understand a damn thing!

Don't let this consume you (I know -- easier said than done).

I spent pretty much puberty onward feeling incomplete without a steady relationship -- When I had them, I was obsessed with keeping them, and when I didn't have one, I was obsessed with finding one.

It wasn't until I separated (and eventually divorced) that I discovered I frittered away more than half my life in a neurotic search for happiness and in doing so, sacrificed the happiness I could have had.

So now, as I approach 40, I find that true happiness comes from within, and no relationship could ever add or detract.

That being said, when you find that happiness, you gain confidence.

When you exude confidence and happiness, you'll be all the more attractive to the women you meet.

For what it's worth that is my experience.

bummer. (or whatever word you kids use these days!)

Really, growing up is growing up and it happens in its own time and you learn what you learn when you learn it and you can't push it or make it better or apply other people's lessons to it or anything else. It's aaaall YOURS!

So best to just enjoy it, even the shitty parts! (seriously, it's all there is!)


:loveya:

about being young is that you feel these kinds of things with an intensity that (praise whatever or whoever is in charge of the Universe) eventually that intensity fades away. Not that us old farts don't fall in love or any of that, but it doesn't consume us the way it does in the teen years.

You're not stupid, you can't help being 15. You will get older, day by day and year by year. If possible, don't try so hard to get a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend. And do hang out in places you're likely to meet like-minded people, such as the DFL exhibit at the Minnesota State Fair.

they're complicated and real contradictory.

Right now is when you're figuring out how to make all the neurons fire right in your head, as they're connected to your heart. Now is when you're learning social cues, behaviors, and so on. THe passion, the racing heart, the confusion is all about learning the ins and outs of social behaviors. One of the key things you're learning here is how to choose your friends and those you're attacted to.

How is it stupid to learn that friends don't treat each other they way yours did? That's not stupid... that's real life.

And it's not stupid to learn that if a girl makes up outrageous excuses, she's not interested.

You need to learn, and you are, I see, to move on, learn from the experience, and apply the education.

You are such a cool kid! The next thing you need to do is find SOMEONE to talk to. There is nothing more important than just being able to TALK about your experiences without the fear of ridicule. Well, you're here... we're grown ups and we'll never talk down to you. You wrote a good piece on what you're feeling.. rather amazing really. Good writer. Keep it real. Pain is ok, it's part of growing up. So are mistakes, so long as you learn from them, cause that's what life is all about.

Be cool, darlin, you're doing FINE. Can you find that chick from the fair and ask her out to coffee? She seemed cool.

First learn how to be comfortable with YOURSELF. Or in other words, learn how to be happy being alone. At fifteen, that is a hard concept. I know some fifty somethings who haven't learned how to do that yet.

The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more attractive you will be to others.

There is a slight feeling of desperation in your screed... Girls will sense that (perhaps unconscienciously) and will shy away (not necessarily knowing why) if that is the message they get.

Finally, instead of asking a girl out on a "DATE", ask her to go out with a small group... no boy/girl match ups, just a group of friends doing something fun like a picnic, county fair, or whatever.

Just get a group together and invite a bunch of girls and guys...

Dating is scary. Better to get to know others in a group atmosphere and let something grow from that. It will be more comfortable for both you and the projected object of your affections.

The way you write and express yourself is way beyond your years, imo. I don't think I learned to express myself like you do until I was in my mid-twenties. You are definitely not stupid. I don't have anything to add to what has already been said. I just wanted to say how impressed I am by your intelligence.

Jesus. That advice sounds *exactly* like the scene in 'Say Anything' where Lloyd seeks the advice of the guys hanging out at the corner store. Bitches, man...

The poster above has it right. Be comfortable with yourself, and be comfortable with being alone. One of the odd cruelties God foisted upon us is the fact that when we are lonely and want to be with someone, that want comes flooding out of our pores, and is visible to all...and somehow becomes a turn-off. Don't ask me why or how.

Being 15 is a lot like bring in a dungeon with large masked men beating you with sticks. All of your physical and emotional engines are running in high gear, and you specifically have the bad luck to be smart and sensitive as hell, as well. Bear in mind that girls your age are dealing with the same insanity, made doubly worse if they are also smart and sensitive.

Best job I ever got came my way after I gave an interview while mortally sure I wasn't going to get the job. Somehow, the I-don't-give-a-fuck vibe I sent out worked in my favor. Use the Force, Luke.

I think you've already had some pretty good feedback and, yeah, if I catch you claiming to be stupid again I'll come and pelt you with Russell Stover chocolates. Remember, stupid is as stupid does.

And when love - or a deficit thereof - enters the picture, even stupid-does will not necessarily imply stupidity. Really, you're allowed a certain leeway on romance-linked inanity because (a) you're male and (b) you're adolescent. I say that not because I'm conscious of your chronological age - your postings here are enough to dispel anything like that, anyway - but because our experiences could almost have been interchangeable. And my adolescence lasted into my early 20s. Well, arguably, I'm still there in some ways as I cruise toward 40.... :-)

I, too, spent a lot of energy (of all kinds, the most draining being meotional energy) on romantic lost causes. I never really had a girlfriend and I know exactly how you feel in your loneliness and general down-ness in that respect. In fact, to this day I can't say that I ever really had a real girlfriend - I eventually had a couple of short-term experiences and some near-misses (some of which turned into friendship) and then, suddenly, I was married. And now, many years later, that's about to be over and I'm back where I started. Ah, but not quite, because I'd be a fool if I hadn't learned at least something along the way. And so here I get to impart my dubious wisdom. :-)

It's pretty simple, really. Romantic stuff's tough enough in terms of what's going on inside you, right, and it only gets more unpredictable when you add someone else. Like I said, at some point you've got to cut your losses, regroup, and move on. Knowing when is one thing, and that's tough enough; actually doing it is another thing entirely. And, having been there, I do realize that this maxim is exceptionally easy to say and not-quite-so-darned easy to do. But, still, there it is. It's an immutable truth. And if you're like I was, you'll realize it, embrace it as the truth, and do exactly the opposite, anyway. Sometimes maybe that's what it takes, though - even when you know that you're doing something 'stupid' (don't let me catch you with this word, though, dude - those caramels can really sting if thrown with enough force) you still have to see it through to its heartbreaking conclusion because that's what it really takes to grow beyond such self-defeating behavior. Or, at least to learn to avoid some of it. Or, at the very least, to not become completely mired in it once you set it in motion. Every little bit helps.

In my case, I once got so horribly messed up over a girl (I was 19-20, and I still remember my fairly extreme emotional pain at having turned 20 and never really been kissed) that things went to hell pretty rapidly (I can PM you the gory details, if you want) and the upshot was that I stepped aside for a while and, after successfully blocking a similar response to another girl (who seemed similarly intent on messing with my heart) I eventually went on to two years of female-free life; female-free in the romantic and pining sense, that is. It's hard to believe at your age, perhaps (and, again, I only say this because my memories of being your age - and fairly mature for that age - are still quite vivid), but it is possible to live without romantic involvement quite happily. Well, it was easy enough to put it aside, anyway, even if all I was really doing was denying something. Regardless, I know that it's tough to see that when you haven't really been having much in the way of romantic involvement, and desperately long for it.

So, really, all the advice in the world may or may not help you make it through this more easily but the bottom line is that at least you're not alone. Plenty of us have been there before you, and I just hope that our voices help steer you clear of getting any more deeply into hopeless situations than you already are. I'd guess that you're a pretty classic romantic, and that means that you're going to accumulate a few scars on your heart - but it can also mean that, when you find a good match, you and she will be that much happier.

So, when next you have a bout of particular blueness, please just remember that it could be much, much worse. That's true in so many ways, but I'd like to suggest that one way in which it could be worse is if you were like some other young men you probably know - always with a girlfriend but never capable to fully appreciating her or even himself because he's basically missing the sensitivity that makes you so vulnerable but also so much better an eventual catch for the lady (or ladies) who deserves you. You've got to be you, and that's worth remembering before all else, especially in the uncertain world of human relationships. Sometimes it hurts, but your journey is your own - it's not even, for all the outward similarities, the journey that I made, or the journey that others like us have made....it's all yours. I hope that you have a safe and plesant trip, all told. :-)

you expressed yourself so well. do you write other things? poetry? short stories? that was really touching, not sad. i can relate (40 y/o here) to the "language of the heart". just ended a 7 yr relationship.

keep sharing with people you trust who will listen and support you. welcome to the world of relationships (and could-be relationships). best wishes.

by the way, do you really live in "coon" rapids? ;-)

I don't write short stories or poems or anything, although at some point in my life I want to write a novel. I already have ideas for one, but I don't really have the motivation, even though I want to...and soon, I won't have the time to, with school starting and all.

And yes, I do live in Coon Rapids, Minnesota...

I think tossing the note in the fire was a good, symbolic act.

It sounds like you're not shy about asking girls out, so you're already several steps ahead of the game. I was absolutely petrified of rejection when I was young, and I seldom worked up the courage to actually ask girls out.

I do think, however, that you would be best served by trying once, gauging response, and maybe trying one more time, before moving on. Try not to fixate on any one girl (and believe me, as the originator of unrequited love on MANY occasions in the past, I KNOW how hard this is), and if she doesn't show interest, find someone else. It's trite, but it's also true that there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Next time, go for it with the liberal girl you met. When it comes to matters of the heart, I've always regretted the things I DIDN'T do, much more than the things I did. Even factoring in the worst rejection I've ever gotten, I never think about that incident any more. But I'll always remember not making the move on a fellow law school student one night when I actually might have had the chance.

DTH

Your kind words are really making me feel better. After I got out of the shower this morning, the first thing I did was to check the responses, and yes, it does help. I can't thank you enough for caring enough to respond...

:loveya:

It's nice that you've decided to move on.

Anyone who isn't willing to give you a chance should at least be up front and honest about it. Why give you BS answers?

If you're not interested please just say so. Let's not play games. Yes, it's going to hurt knowing that you don't feel for me like I feel for you but it's better to hurt a bit now than wonder if I did something wrong later.

The thing I would say is don't sweat what 15 year old girls think of you (not to be rude or anything) but a large amount of girls, at least the ones I've encountered really aren't into smart, liberal, articulate, true guys like you and John. Once they grow older, they'll realize that Varsity football players can't provide everything for them, and when the time is right, they'll ALL be begging to ask you out. So just keep your head up, and enjoy your highschool years to the fullest extent.

-Shayn

:kick:

again, thanks for the help...it's appreciated

Well, at least that's just what I think, but then I've had a crush on every boy since the one who held the door in the movies for me the other day.

Still, hold in there lefty, you'll get the girl eventually.

Breezy

ON EDIT: we have new smilies, and this situation warrants their use, methinks.

:hug:

:grouphug: for leftist_rebel!

You are not stupid. I am dealing with troubles similar to the ones you're trying to handle right now. Since sometime last year I have been really crazy about this older activist woman who moved pretty close to me in my dorm. I had thought she really liked me too, but now I don't think she does. Anyway, it turns out that there's this other girl who lives in the same general area, and I'm pretty sure she likes her too. Something tells me the feeling's mutual. So no, leftist_rebel1569, it's not just you. It seems to be a general, although painful, human situation. Just give it some time, try to distract yourself, and it will pass.

on edit:
Nah, I don't feel the need to explain myself. Girls always go for the jerks half the time. You'll find one that doesn't. Then again, in many experiences with guys... they too fall for the bitchy girl. It works both ways, don't sweat it.