In the middle of a fucked - up blowout with my Dad.

I phoned last night to see that my folks had gotten home okay. Dad immediately began a stupid rant about some dumb thing. After I hung up, I got very mad. Lately Dad seems to be resentful of my presence. And I've found he's been very disrespectful to me. So, I sent him an email basically saying "I don't know what your problem is but I'm tired of you behaving in this manner. I think it's best we avoid each other until you figure it out."

He emailed me back saying how dare I send such a hurtful email and all this stuff. I email ed him again saying that his attitude towards me is what's hurtful and I was just bringing it to light...he sent another one bitching about me being disrespectful to him and then ads I've been so by not following alot of his advice. And I've robbed him of some sort of Fatherly pleasure of seeing his son take his advice and do well.

I sent him bacck another one saying I refuse to apologize for making up my own mind. And added more about his recent attitude and how I've had the impression he doesn't want me around.

I haven't heard back.

But this is really scary, I've never had a fight with my Dad like this. I'm ready to tell him I don't want to speak to him and I don't know why. I've almost teared up at work a couple times today. I just have no idea how this happened.

how do you communicate usually? is it this contentious or has anything happened more recently...

Nothing major has happened. BUt I find myself always tense when he's around cause I'm just waiting for something to happen.

but its clear this has upset you very much and it does appear that your dad is going through something

one time i got into something with my mom and what i ended up doing was holding tight even though we both needed a little time to calm down and get some perspective
not let this blow everything up

i listened , asked questions about what she was thinking or what had i done that upset her so
getting her to tell me her feelings basically
she has some depression and i do feel the only way we got through it was that i let her know i loved her that we do feel differently about some things but that was never going to change how much i love her and that it matters that she is in my life
that even though i was moving on in my life, she mattered and i wasnt letting that go

i cannot know of course but is it possible something is going on with him? personal or physical or whatever....

i do wish you both well communicating and family can be a difficult combination but it definitely takes patience and understanding which can be so hard in the midst of a fight

good luck to you truly

It's weird, I've gone through phases like this with my dad too. I think it is all part of the separation process as we grow older. But things will work themselves out, trust me. You were right to tell him that his attitude toward you was disrespectful, and your suggestion of a cooling-off period was a good one.

Wait a few days and if he doesn't come around, be the big person and approach him in a calm manner. Good luck. :hug:

I'm too upset about him not listening to what I'm trying to say.

Step back from the situation. It obviously upsets you too much. He really sounds like he's being impossible. I don't know what more he could expect from a son, really.

He says crap about support emotionally and financially in the past. But doesn't realize that's no excuse to be an asshole now. I've retraced my steps, and can't think of any time I've been disrespectful to him out of the blue.

It's hard for him to see you being independent. And maybe, subconsciously, he's jealous that you're young and have your whole life ahead of you, that you're following your dreams of being a journalist. Who knows?

In my family, we could dig up Sigmund Freud, have him work on us non-stop for 100 years and still never figure out what the fuck is wrong with us! :D

Political? Moralistic?...

I actually asked him..... I've gone to college, havea decent job, I don't know what his fucking problem is.

It certainly sounds like you've done well, imo. Many parents would love to have a son who has accomplished what you have. Your dad should stop to smell the roses. It's good that you've expressed your feelings to him, because he needs to step back & evaluate his behavior toward you. Give it a cooling off period, Jeremy. I have a feeling he'll come around; let him be the one to contact you.

Even my RW father and I respectfully disagree with each other on almost everything, but it's always done in fun. He jokingly calls me "commie", I call him "facist"- but it's always done with a laugh (and he and I don't have the greatest relationship otherwise, either). But I feel, and I hope you don't mind me saying this, I'm not trying to be mean- but your father needs to be a little more mature and a little less petty.

He's too idealisitc, he thinks no matter what he does I should repsect him because he's my father..... so when you try to bring something like this to light he just stonewall's up.

We used to get along great.

and know there will always be areas where a source of conflict lies.
You're an individual and not someone else's expectations. Its probably hard for your father to accept this. I think this will be oK after a while. Try to be kind if you can.

it's a hard thing to get hold of, that little baby now being an adult and worthy of equal treatment.

don't worry, he'll get over it.

Be the first to forgive.

for over 21 years .....

So much for the alcoholic father and the neer-do-well son ...

He was never a hard drinker, on fridays my mother and him would maybe drink one to many bacardi cokes....but the last few years, he's been drinking way too heavily.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to take some time to cool off. If he writes you back, don't reply right away -- take some time, maybe print his letter so you can read it and reflect on it.

Take your time to think rather than to feel. Your feelings are important, and you should express them to your dad. But when you do express them, do so coolly and rationally. I know that may seem contradictory, but it's worth a shot.

The important thing to remember is that if you didn't love your dad, you wouldn't give a shit about this fight. And that love is at least a start, an opportunity for you two to rebuild your relationship -- or maybe even build a new one. You are a man, after all, and it sounds from your post that your interaction with your father has been more like that of a dad and his boy. You're equals now, and you need to be able to relate to each other.

And this is all just a long-ass way of saying :hug: hang in there, buddy.

Yeah, I think I'll give it a few days

that has helped me more than ANYTHING else is that I cannot control other people's reactions or their emotions.

Once I fully, deep down accepted that, things got easier. Keep the lines of communication open, but I agree on backing away for a while.

For all you know, this may have nothing to do with you, or only peripherally to do with you, and it may be about something going on with your dad you know nothing about.

Good luck!!!

Give it a few days, and forget email.

A letter, telling him how you feel, would be the way to go.

"What we have here is a failure to communicate!" :hug:

About 8 Years ago my mom died and since then, my father has become more and more of an asshole. He is increasingly rude and disrepectful towards me. I would tell him that I was pissed off about his behaviour, but he never apologizes.
I finally had enough about 2 years ago. Haven't really talked since.
What makes the the most angry is that he refuses to even acknowledge that he has a Grandson (my boy is 7 yrs old). Didn't even send a card last Xmas or Birthday.
Is this normal with old men? Do they finally get to a point where they say "fuck , you, I don't care anymore?" I don't get it.
I just don't get it.

And yes, I think old men sometimes do just go "fuck off" ... My dad refuses to be home at holidays because he doesn't want anyone deciding to come and spend the holidays with him. He's better to his grandkids than he was to his own kids, but still... it's a very weird way to be.

...happen. It could be as simple as the fact that you've grown more independent and, thus less compliant, and he is somewhat rigid in his ability to accommodate your evolution.

And the issues that we all wade through in life tend to act as filters, distorting communication. How we receive information and how we transmit it is altered.

If it were me, I'd give it a bit of time, then communicate forgiveness and as well as a desire to be forgiven.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck with it. I can tell that your dad means a lot to you. :hug:

your mom and let things come around. Hugs, honey.

of your parent's help?

Put this in better context for us.

-- Allen

there's an underlying something going on you need to identify so you can deal with it.

I see in another post he's been drinking heavier lately... perhaps his demeanor has changed from this in addition to the changes in your relationship from just the fact your are now independent etc...

Whatever you do, don't just cut everything off. I had a brother that did that with my dad and he never resolved anything before my dad died. He's more screwed up now than he was with just being pissed at my dad when he was alive.

At least if you look inside yourself and find the reasons you may need to cut him out of your life.. you'll know why you're doing it.

Good Luck.... sorry for your pain.

How old is your dad?

for a variety of reasons. Now we talk every week or so and have both gotten past our pasts. If you've been close all along, I wouldn't worry about it. You're right to stand up for yourself. He can't expect you as an adult to follow every word of advice he gives you.

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling him you don't want to speak with him for a while. He'll probably come around on his own.

Good luck with it all. :)

For about ten years, while I was a teenager and young man, we really shredded each other.

I don't know what changed exactly, but mostly I think the two of us decided to stop fighting. For about a year we both had to make a very deliberate effort not to fight. I learned what his "hot buttons" were, and he learned mine. We did not push those buttons. Eventually it became a habit.

We've had a very good relationship for about eighteen years now.

I hope you and your dad work things out a lot quicker than me and my dad did.

Peace be with you.

suggesting you and he nottalk--particularly by email--is an invitation to, well, no talking and no relationship. In fact, I wouldn't send anyone an email on any nuanced emotional issue.

I guess you were hoping that he would figure out why you were pissed and apologize--but he might not know what you meant by this manner, or might feel aggrieved about something else--or who knows, it might have nothing to do with you at all. He might be pissed at the world and you are just catching a whiff of it. Have you asked him if there is something troubling him? Even if the answer is "YOU, son!" its better than assuming it true and irreparable, since the worst thing is you don't talk to him ever again which is where you are now.

Only advice I can give is don't do the "I'll never talk to (fill in annoying relative) ever again" thing because it's lame and overdramatic. Not to mention how difficult that could be for your dear mother.

My Dad gave ma a lot of shit about not following his advice. He always said he was just trying to keep me from making the same mistakes he made. I finally figured out that he was unhappy with what he had ben able to accomplish in life and somehow expected my brother and I to achieve those goals in his stead, like we were supposed to be able to magically jump into a time machine and wind up back in his shoes when he was 20 and do it all over again for him or something.

I don't think he stopped to take into account that my brother and I were individuals with our very own hopes and dreams that might be very different from his. He grew up in the Great Depression and only managed to get an 8th grade education, so I know he had much higher aspirations for his children. I think all parents have these expectations to some degree.

Now I'm 40 and he's 74. He eventually came to grips with the fact that I have different talents, hopes and dreams than he does.

I don't know if any of this will help, but when I read your post I certainly can relate to what you are going through. Give him some time and space to think about things, I bet he'll come around.


Hang in there!

I fought with my old man, too. I grew up in the late 60s/.70s when there was a real cultural divide happening. We had some good knock down/drag out fights...mainly about the social issues of the day.

I lost him in '76 when I was 24.....I regret that he was never around to see my family. We were finally making peace when he died suddenly. Probably doesn't help solve your problem, but try to put some perspective on your situation...

Seriously, dude, make peace with the old guy; I wish I had with mine.

He was asking if I was coming home this weekend, then asked if I was could I bring a box of peaches.
Then in another email he asked if anyone at my work wanted plumbs....typical "Nothing's Happening" attitude from the old man.

Thanks to everyone yesterday, sorry I left and didn't get to respond to some of your comments.

Maybe you should follow his lead and forget about it.