BUSH TO DECLARE WAR ON ENGLISH LANGUAGE

BUSH TO DECLARE WAR ON ENGLISH LANGUAGE


Native Tongue Would Replace N. Korea in Axis of Evil


A just-released text of President George W. Bush's acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention reveals that Mr. Bush intends to announce his boldest initiative to date, declaring war on the English language.

According to the text of the speech, advance copies of which were made available to reporters today, Mr. Bush will give the English language an official slot in the Axis of Evil, replacing North Korea.

While Mr. Bush's relations with the English language have been hostile in the past, few had expected him to declare war on America's native tongue.

But according to Republican insiders, an official declaration of war against the English language could give Mr. Bush a decided edge over his Democratic rival, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.), who, unlike the president, speaks English fluently.

"If Kerry starts speaking English during the debates, he could be seen as a traitor," one Bush strategist said. "On the other hand, there's practically no danger of the president accidentally slipping into English."

Political science professor Trevor Bilson of the University of Minnesota said that Mr. Bush's declaration of war against the English language should not come as a surprise: "Mr. Bush has been conducting a covert campaign against the English language for decades now."

But Dr. Bilson believes that shifting the nation's focus from the war on terror to a war on grammar may be Mr. Bush's shrewdest political move ever.

"The president recently said that he doubts we can win the war on terror," Dr. Bilson said. "But whenever Mr. Bush does battle with the English language, the English language loses."
From Borowitzreport.com