A serious question for other parents here

Have any of you ever....I don't even know how to put this.....been so unhappy with your partner's parenting that it really bothers you a lot? That wasn't put very well.

Little Moonbeam and Mr. Moonbeam are very very much alike in personality. They have always been a bit "gristly" with each other, but more him with her than her with him. He has very little patience, he barks at her first and asks questions later IF he even bothers to do that, she feels like she can never do anything right, he hardly spends any time with her.

It breaks my heart. He wasn't ever really a doting father, per se, but he used to be better than this--he's gradually gotten worse. Tonight, after he left for work, she broke down and cried and told me how she felt. I've seen everything she talked about, I just didn't know it bothered her so deeply. It broke my heart.

I called him and told him (I gathered my thoughts first) how she felt. It's best for him to hear these things, then he has time to think about them and he really does do better on many things.

I KNOW he loves her, I know it without a doubt. But when she cried and said it made her sad to realize she wouldn't even be sad if he didn't live here, I knew there was a big problem. She is almost 10 and I don't see things getting better if he doesn't change something.

How can I help him? The conversation was ok--he was very defensive and angry first, which was to be expected, but then calmed down and said he "had a lot to think about." He and I love each other, too, and we want to stay together as a family.

Has anyone ever been through this? I have to honestly say that, while he isn't a HORRIBLE father, he is far worse than I thought he would be. He never hits her or verbally abuses her or anything.

Help? I'm sorry if this is the wrong place for it. It's a bit too personal and raw to talk to my real-life friends about right now.

If I were you, I would find a good family therapist. You all need to go together.

This person will be able to speak to you all about how to act and react when another says something hurtful. This is a really important time for your daughter; she needs both of you parenting at your best.

Good luck! Sorry I can't recommend anyone!
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PS- Didja get yer invite? :D

I am bringing my friend, too. She wants to go as Lady Justice. She is a seamstress as a hobby and is sewing her costume. Guess what I am going to be? A KERRY cheerleader!!! With a cheerleader's outfit she is sewing and pom poms and everything! My daughter and I are making up cheers! I am gonna be SO damn obnoxious. I'm even going to write KERRY and 2004 on my face like cheerleaders to. BIG pigtails with little blue and white pompoms stuck in them. Now where are my donkey earrings?

Mr. Moonbeam wants to go as a republican--black cape, white face, fangs and dripping blood. A real bloodsucker.

We are SO excited!!!! Thank you!

And thanks for your response.

Hope he can find his inner kid. :-)

Good luck!
FSC

wait til you see the sign the bouncer will be holding! Your hubby will love it!

FSC

I am bringing my friend, too. She wants to go as Lady Justice. She is a seamstress as a hobby and is sewing her costume. Guess what I am going to be? A KERRY cheerleader!!! With a cheerleader's outfit she is sewing and pom poms and everything! My daughter and I are making up cheers! I am gonna be SO damn obnoxious. I'm even going to write KERRY and 2004 on my face like cheerleaders to. BIG pigtails with little blue and white pompoms stuck in them. Now where are my donkey earrings?

Mr. Moonbeam wants to go as a republican--black cape, white face, fangs and dripping blood. A real bloodsucker.

We are SO excited!!!! Thank you!

And thanks for your response.

especially female children. This sounds like more than that, though, maybe a little jealousy involved. Guys aren't generally sensitive to the emotions of pre-teen kids, girls especially. I know it sounds trite, but maybe some counseling would be helpful for everyone.

In the past, I've heard how much you love your family in your posts. Sometimes, you have to fight just a little to keep things on track. I wish all of you the best of luck-you seem like good people. Just remember us guys are really weird and you have to kick us in the nuts every now and then to keep us on track.

Thank you for your insight. It really does help. I think we'll be looking into counseling. He's gone in the past (marriage counseling that saved us), so maybe he'll be open to it for this, too.

One thing I will say about him--he is very devoted to his family and in the past, has done anything he had to to make things work. I admire him for that.

For me it's that my husband spends so much time trying to provide for the household financially that it sometimes leaves little time for me or the children. I have had a number of conversations with him and he starts out defensive also, but slowly comes around. I try to balance it with praise for what he is doing right and that softens the very hard message. Also, I try to talk to him when I have his undivided attention and we have time to figure out some solutions and the problems are not just left hanging.


Sorry I cannot offer you any real advice, but I hope it helps to know that you're not alone.

been dealing with that for YEARS. He works somewhere where they give him unlimited overtime and he is hourly. That's like an alcoholic working in a bar.

Good luck to you, too.

Mr. Moonbeam's dad was usually either physically or emotionally absent, and when he was around, he snapped at them a lot and generally did much the same thing.

He always used to say he didn't want to be like his dad, but when Little Moonbeam describes her relationship with him to me, she says some of the VERY same things HE has said to ME about his relationship with HIS dad.

The more I think about this and type it out, the more I think this definitely warrants some counseling.

I wouldn't even give him the option. He is treating her like he was treated because that is the training he got. Nip it in the bud now. If your daughter feels that bad it simply can not be dismissed. You and she may also be doing something to contribute to the problem so you all need to go together.

that dads' relationships with preteen daughters can be very difficult. Lot's of hormones flying on the preteen side and God knows what flying on the father side. Especially difficutl with the history you've just mentioned. Family counceling as well as individual counseling seems in order to me.

He has always been a bit short of patience and snappy and stuff. And like I said, he's never been DOTING and that's ok. I am. But it seems to be getting worse. And it could very well be related to her age, or some other dimension I'm not seeing. I'm not a perfect parent, but I try to have patience and ask questions first rather than yell, etc. Also she and I spend a lot of time together. He's a workaholic so it's usually just the two of us.

Thanks.

My DH can be the same way to Shing Jr too...he's not a bad father at all but he has his neglecting (Grammar?) moments that really bother me.

I wish I had advice for you but here's a (((((HUG)))))) to you and Moonlight Jr from us.

PS and yes, I'm back, retrieved my lost password! LOL!!!

Smooches to you!!!! My friend!!!!

Thanks. It's rough. My eyes are all red and puffy from crying so much tonight. And I never cry, but your own child so heartbroken will get you every time.

...I have to agree with everyone here -- consider a family therapist. And I don't say that lightly. I'm speaking from experience. I had a very distant father and it has messed me up in so many ways -- when he wasn't distant he was verbally abusive to the point where many times I wished he would just beat me. The hurt was just as bad. I think a therapist would put everyone on neutral ground and might help find a resolution to this sooner rather than later. It will definitely help your family bond. My family is so fractured there's no way it will ever come together. (Long, boring story.)

But please, for your daughter's sake, as well as for yours and your husband's -- don't let too much time pass. I see the relationship my husband has with my oldest (14) and I wish I could have had that with my dad.

Best of luck to you all.

and I am glad I posted this here. It has helped me see things more clearly. I will be talking to him tomorrow about family counseling.