Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Dick Cheney's Mind At This Moment

10. "What should I do next--the phony chuckle or the unconvincing smile?"

9. "Hopefully he won't mention--Halibur--oh crap."

8. "W. better be tivoing 'The Gilmore Girls'."

7. "Where's the girl with my Jack and Coke?"

6. "To get the female vote maybe it's time to rip off the shirt and show some abs."

5. "Good God it's true--Edwards is devastatingly handsome."

4. "How the hell did the Yankees get shut out by the Twins?"

3. "I can snap this man's neck like a twig."

2. "That was the cue to bring out Osama! Where the hell is he?"

1. "Let's quit the cat and mouse crap and take this out to the parking lot."


http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2004/ls_topten_archive_20041006.shtml

10. Who's a better one-term president--you or your father?

9. Is it annoying being married to a woman who always smells like ketchup?

8. With oil at $50 a barrel, why aren't we looking into cheaper barrels?

7. Which best describes your economic policies: "Preposterous lies" or "Absolute crap"?

6. Senator Kerry, what impact do you think your large, canoe-shaped head will have on the economy?

5. What is your favorite episode of "Sanford and Son"?

4. Do you prefer flipping or flopping?

3. Which one of you is Dukakis?

2. Do you think John Edwards would be interested in dating a New Jersey Governer?

1. If either of you win, will you pardon Martha?

10. Instead of smelling like urine, cell now smells like urine and lilac.

9. Watching her start the day with 75 one-armed push-ups.

8. Much easier to conceal razor blades in handmade buckwheat pillows.

7. Nothing like homemade butterscotch cookies after a lice check.

6. Hearing the comical sounds Letterman makes during conjugal visits.

5. Says she's got a hot insider tip on how to get extra pudding in the mess hall.

4. Her experience throwing silverware at people makes her an asset in prison riots.

3. You get a huge boost in street cred by mastering tricky napkin folds.

2. Offered me 300 shares of stock in exchange for a pack of Winstons.

1. Amusing to hear Martha yell during shower fight, "It's not a good thing, bitch."

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