Homophobia for the Holidays?

So I bought a ticket to visit my mother's house (my sister lives there with her kids also) over the Thanksgiving holiday. My parents are divorced and I alternate Christmas with Dad & Thanksgiving with Mom then the other way around. My mother never says not to come but she won't pick me up at the airport, never offers to travel herself, doesn't offer any help with the plane fare, etc.

Recently her father passed away and I didn't find out until it was too late for me to go to his funeral. This, I'm afraid was by design. She really doesn't want to deal with me around her family.

Anyway, I have very mixed feelings about going at this point. I have sent her my flight itinerary my email and she didn't respond. Maybe I am just not taking the hint here. I hate to push back too hard on this issue but emotionally and financially this is just a bad deal. Missing work costs me more than the ticket so pulling the plug on this trip is an option.

Any thoughts, reactions?

how close are you two?

my mom is highly emotionally dependent on me else i would have stopped talking to her ages ago.

as long as it is small talk she seems fine but she comes out with kind of ambiguous "I'm worried about you" stuff. And the things she said about other gay relatives when I was growing up still haunt me. She really believes that stuff I'm afraid.

She burned my high school love letters after she found them (she had to dig deep btw) and showed them to her shrink. Her quacky-assed shrink gave it his seal of approval.

if you dont feel too close to her...cut her out...dont make so much effort for someone who doesnt love you for who you are (and yes i know this is easier said than done)

My mom is totally sweet, if sometimes a little limited.

Heck, yer all invited!

maybe she needs to get the hint

Hey Mom, would you prefer that I not come to visit this Christmas?

or

Mother, do you want me to come visit or not?

or

Mom, I can't decide if I should come visit this year. What do you think?

-- Allen

You have to speak your mind. If you can, do it without being judgemental. Life is too short for misunderstandings and evasions.

but my mother won't own up to it. When I pressed her about the funeral snub she said it was just an oversight and that there was "nothing I could have done anyway"

I would agree. Ask her outright: "Do you even want me to come home or not?"

It's strange how parents react. My Mom and Dad are really very open and accepting...in fact I am closer now to my Mom than ever.

If things don't work out, head down here. You're always welcome.

I hope I don't sound too much like I'm feeling sorry for myself -- this is really more about just dealing with a frustrating situation.

I actually just called her and had to hang up on her because she started scapegoating onto my father and said she doesn't remember burning my letters in high school and so I should "just let go of that" Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

The Macy's Parade is sound better all the time - haven't seen it in 5 years.

continue with plans and have a long chat with her, or cancel and let her make the next move. Some relationships, even family, aren't worth the grief it takes to continue them.

you can't waste your time if your parents can't be thier own selves don't let them push that on you.My sister's coming out was painfull because people had to expand out of thier little zone
She felt like a pioneer and helped everyone involved with her strength.

As a gay person in Mississippi, much of my family is similar. Not my parents, but extended family. I say, if your mom is that way about it, give her what she wants. Don't go. Don't call. Don't do anything. I'd be a real bitch about it, in the sense that "If you don't want me around for the holidays, I'm not coming anytime else either. If you care to see me, you know where I live. If you want to talk to me, you have my phone number." And if she asks, you can explain to her how offended you are by her behavior. You don't have to participate in her drama if you don't want to.

I currently have a policy in place for my grandmother who wished me dead after she found out about my sexuality. Or rather, said she'd rather I had died like a retarded cousin of mine who died when he was 12 than be the way I am. So, since I am the way I am and I'm not dead like my cousin, I gave her her wish and "play dead" when I'm around her. been like that for five years or so, now.

So, I say, either cut your mother off, or for one last year go home with your boyfriend if you have one, be flaming gay to high heaven, and totally crash Christmas dinner for your mother. Then, later, when she says something about it, tell her you only did it because of how damn insensitive she is about you and your feelings and how you feel everytime you come home and have to endure the holidays instead of celebrate them. Since your sexuality is such an obstacle, remove the obstacle by being so blatant about it that she can no longer live in her happy bubble of denial. No, its not nice to your mom, but it sure would be sweet justice, in my humble opinion. Then, do the silent treatment outlined above. :)

Just some ideas from a rebellious southerner who doesn't put up with people's shit...

I would, but just my opinion.

My brother and his wife love me and my partner-we make sure to see them every year. My sisters claim they want to see me, but when the time comes, they are very cold or indifferent to my partner of 15 years. He hasn't gone with me in several years.

This year we're doing something different. I'm gonna jump the gun and invite them all to our house. When my sisters refuse (and they WILL refuse)then I'm going to throw it in their faces that I've accepted their shiftless, trashy, lazy husbands and they refuse to respect my choice, who is a mature, educated professional (teacher).

I'm way to old to play those "family" games anymore. I'm past being nice to avoid their prejudices (my 17 year old nephew has been terrified of me since childhood-God knows what they've told him)

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of course you are. Where does that come from?

GFY

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Is sexual preference all that "devastating"?

The more I read your posts the more I think you have some sort of chip on your shoulder.

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Excuse moi? Would not be welcomed in your family? By your family, do you mean that to include yourself? Do you not welcome gay people into your life, family or not?

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And why do you want them to remain UNKNOWN?

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Did ya not read this part of the rules?

"Do not post racist, sexist, homophobic, ethnic, anti-religious, or anti-atheist bigotry. Unambiguous expressions of bigotry will be deleted, and will often result in the immediate banning of the individual responsible."

"it is revolting... other than that, hey... since you asked. It is a deviate lifestyle and sickens humanity as God created it."

You're pretty revolting yourself. I feel very sad for any gay person who has to suffer as a member of your bigoted and very non-progressive family.

Btw, this is the lounge. You can take your Kerry love over to GD04.

(yes, I know this will get deleted, so be it.)

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of the lounge and STOP commenting on threads that don't involve Kerry or Bush?

Yes... you have a chip and you are definatly going on ignore...

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Where did you get that? Seriously....how did you reach this conclusion?

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Figures..... your one of "those"

Well, more power to your close-minded thinking!

That came out of the closet and do you know what we had fights about His homophobia!

I'm shocked to read this on DU. I really am. In my apparent foolishness, I thought that most folks supporting Kerry for prez were beyond this kind of ignorance.

I have been enlightened -- and far more sickened than you claim to be by me.

Church is because of all of the hate.

Oh, wait -- but they don't hate. It's love wrapped in righteousness. :eyes:

the one with all the deleted posts in this thread.I have been reading his wingnut posts for way too long!! :thumbsup:

:toast:

:toast:

I hope he is.... I too have be curious about his posts.

What a fucking bigot

Take her out to a private dinner and talk to her. If you tell her how you feel and she tells you whats going on in her mind then you can get past her issues with you being gay. If you hold it for years you will never know why she acts the way she does and if something was to happen to her you will never know why she treated you like she did.

You want to go home for the holidays then go but you need to go a day ahead of time and talk to your Mom one on one so that you can get past her issues.

about a private talk with her although she avoids confronting issues at all costs. Part of the current problem is that since my divorced sister and her two boys live in her house, it is hard to have a private phone conversation with her.

As for getting past her issues, I can only do my half so the question for me is how do I improve the relationship and what is the best it can reasonably be (and I'll have to settle for that).

If not she might be the problem behind how your Mom is treating you.

possessive, maybe in her mind, protective of my mother. Like I said, she lives there.

But the issues with my mother are more related to just communicating I think. That dude is on ignore for me so if any of this overlaps with whatever he may be posting it is coincidence -- I understand that people have issues with being gay. I don't expect everyone, related or otherwise, to get over them any time soon. But I don't think it is unreasonable to think that people could own up to it. In other words, she could say, "I love you but I'm sensitive and don't want to listen to my family (her sister) saying horrible things about you." I could handle something like that.

It is her not saying "I would be more comfortable if we did the visit this way..." or otherwise helping to work out something that has become this problem.

call her up and tell her how sorry you are that you can't make thanksgiving and you've been so busy lately, but you'd really like her to come see you. Tell her you'll buy her a ticket to come out and that you're preparing a big thanksgiving-style dinner and you really want to see her blah blah blah.

If she refuses, you pretty much know what's up. If she comes you can more gently and personally probe this issue with her. In either case, you can avoid the direct confrontation, and this solution is just as if not more cost effective than going there.

good luck

Get it out into the open or hurt feelings sometimes builds up and becomes hate inside of you. If she ends up taking her problems to the grave that would make it worse.

I wish Kurt the best of luck with this issue.

You need to talk to your Mom.

20 years ago. not a single regret; i've been calmer & more @ peace w/myself because of it.

your mother is being very dishonest w/ you. you shd be worth more to her. nothing wrong w/ you, tons wrong w/ a mother that acts like this.

and you do not have to take it.

take pagerbear up on his offer; you prolly have the best holiday ever!

20 years ago. not a single regret; i've been calmer & more @ peace w/myself because of it.

(I thought I would copy and paste it because it is 100% accurate for me too. It had nothing to do with what or who I was, rather who and what THEY were!)

I'd write a letter stating very clearly why I was canceling my flight and would not be in touch with her ever again unless she made the next move -- a move that included an apology at least for making you miss her father's funeral.

Best wishes. :hug:

A couple other posters have said similar things. I have a couple of friends who have parted company with their families and that may have been the right thing to do for them but that's not really my goal.

I don't doubt that my mother loves me. I can't walk away from that nor do I want to. I'd like to think the stakes are much lower than all or nothing. Communicating will be the challenge; it always has been.

that your mother acts this way. I am straight woman with two teen boys and I can't imagine any parent acting this way toward their child. I really can't. It's heartbreaking.

I was fortunate to grow up in an open, enlightened family (they had their issues but at least they weren't homophobic) and to have gay and lesbian friends. My kids are growing up in the same kind of environment.

I periodically remind my kids that some of their classmates are probably gay or lesbian, whether they know it or not. I remind them never to make homophobic jokes. I tell them the things that my GLBT friends have told me about their experiences growing up.

You know, I'd been planning to sign up as a PFLAG sponsor for GLBT teens and young adults who have been rejected by their families. This thread reminded me to do it NOW.

Best wishes to you. If I lived in NYC you would be welcome at our family Thanksgiving dinner. I'll bet there are a lot of families in NYC who feel the same way.

what is happening. Her reactions are mixed and ambivalent at this point. I came out to her ages ago and we talk and email regularly but it is on the level of whats going on, basic stuff. What she can't talk about usually, and doesn't ask, 'are you in a relationship? meet anyone new?' etc. So it is hard to sort out how uncomfortable this makes her, why, and in what situations.

It sounds more than obvious that you have tried to maintain a relationship with your mother.

Sometimes it is better to just go do what you want to do, than feel what you are obligated to do to make your mom happy. Take a break from her, and have a good time doing something you want to do, skiing with friends, or a road trip.

Tell your mother you have other plans this time, and sound like nothing happened, don't drama it out. She will have to make the next move, but be preapared, that move may not come till months pass, or maybe never.

It's better to know the real truth of how your mom feels about you sooner than later, and you can waste quite a bit of time dancing around her inability and refusal to just be honest with you on how she feels, but in the meantime extracting emotional energy from you.

By telling her you have plans and will not be making it, will cause her to think a bit. The next step would be hers. It's your life, not hers, and you deserve to know instead of being played with. Just throw the ball back and go have some fun with some friends with the money you save.

I admire your desire to keep family ties open but maybe it would be better to put a little distance there. It sounds like it's tough on you both emotionally and financially and she does have your sister so she won't be alone.

I would back off, I think, and just keep communications open in a more long distance fashion. I had problems for years with my dad (different problems but family shit is family shit) and I ended up putting some distance between us for a number of years. Interestingly enough, we've become very close in the last 5 or 6 years - perhaps we've both grown past the problems of before or we're willing to look beyond them ..... or something.

Anyway, I wish you the best. :hug: