"I have no mouth and I must scream"

That's the title of an old Harlan Ellison story. Apparently, there's also a video game named after it.

It's also how I feel right now. I have no mouth and I must scream......

I just realized that I've spent the entire day fighting off a panic attack.

Somebody say something funny, please.

And one of them was a salted.

Do you have a book of them sitting by your desk or something? :)

May I sew you to a sheet?

That was silly enough to make me laugh a little bit.

to make you laugh only to discover that no pun in ten did.

WHAT A MASSIVE WASTE OF A LIFE! FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! NADA!

Look, it's funny for the first few posts or so, but after that, you gotta wonder. :shrug:

WHOSE MIND DID YOU CHANGE? WHO DID YOU MAKE LOOK BAD, OTHER THAN YOURSELF!

I always rather liked his username. The user behind it was quite the cunt, however.

The bartender says "I'll serve you guys, but don't start anything!"

and I put off voting until the last minute. I was afraid I would be standing in line forever and then get the runs. My stomach was upset all day too.

I finally went to vote, there was a line. I got in line and, oh no . . . my stomach churned, I broke out in a cold sweat, however, I did not fart, and that was a very lucky thing for the person behind me. I wish I would have known if that person was a Dem or a Republican. If it were a Republican, I might not have held myself together so well. I would have went ahead and farted, turned around, looked at them like they did it, then make a face to the person in front of me like, "can you believe that person behind me farted?" :D

True story . . . feel any better?

Doctor tells him "I got bad news...you got scabies, rabies, leprosy, shingles, male pattern baldness, and alopecia. I'm going to put you on a strict diet of flounder and pancakes."

The guy says "Flounder and pancakes! Will that make me well?"

And the doctor says, "No, but I'll be able to slide it under the door without looking at you."


The KGB was looking for dedicated assassins during the Cold War and so they got three recruits. They gave them each a gun filled with blanks and said "Go into the next room and shoot the person you find sitting there," as a test of dedication.

The first one comes out, and says "I am sorry, comrade, I have failed the Party. That was my beloved wife in the room and I could not shoot her."

The second one comes out and says, "I am sorry, comrade, I have failed Mother Russia. That was my beloved sister in the room and I could not pull the trigger."

The third one goes into the next room and the KGB hears "bang bang bang bang!" and then a tremendous ruckus. Finally the third guy comes out, and says "I am sorry, comrade, I have failed the Glorious People's Republic. I'm a lousy shot, and my mother-in-law hit me in the head with the chair."

http://www.mobygames.com/game/sheet/gameId,617/

I've never really heard of it until today.

it was a horror adventure game made by Sierra I think....

at the Pearly Gaits. Saint Peter told him that his first day he had to spend in Hell, and then he could come to Heaven for a day. After that, on the third day, he could make a decision where he wanted to spend eternity. Bush didn't understand this but he obeyed.

Bush went to Hell first and could not believe it. There were beautiful naked women everywhere, willing to do anything to please the men. After all, Laura wouldn't be here for a while, if ever, so he took advantage of the situation that lay (literally) before him. Everyone was drinking, partying, smoking pot, and snorting Cocaine. Bush could not believe it. He joined in and partied all day and had the best day since he had turned 40 and became a dry drunk. He drank two cases and still did not feel drunk. He snorted Cocaine and got that wonderful feeling that he remembered from a long, long time ago. After a night of partying without any sleep needed, the next morning Bush didn't even have a hangover nor did he feel guilty nor was he sick. He did not believe that Hell could be such a great place.

The next day, Bush went to Heaven. It was quiet but boring. There were a lot of philosophers intelligently discussing different issues. There was no pain, everyone seemed happy, and there was a serenity. There was complete peace of mind. Bush slept better than he had ever slept before.

The next day Saint Peter called Bush back to the Gate. Saint Peter asked Bush, "OK, have you made your decision?"

Bush looked at Saint Peter and said, "Well, I know this is going to sound crazy, but if I have to chose a place where I will spend eternity, I choose to go to Hell.

Saint Peter looked at him like he was a crazy fool. He said, "If that is what you wish," and -- POOF -- Bush was sent to Hell by his own choice.

When he arrived, it was so hot his skin was bubbling up. He heard people screaming in pain. He saw people tearing the flesh from their skin. He thought, "What?" What is going on here? He could not stand what he was seeing. He demanded to see Satan. Satan looked down at Bush. With all of Bush's arrogance, he screamed, "What have you done to this place? Yesterday, it was a huge party, everyone was having a ball, beautiful women everywhere, all the drugs anyone could want, alcohol everywhere . . . what have you done to me?

Satan looked at Bush, laughed and said (are you ready? scroll down)
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Satan said, "Yesterday we were campaigning!" (BAWWAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

LOL