A Letter To My Cats

Dear Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with one another so there are still three cats in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the end of the hall is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but kitty sarcasm.

My phone cord is not black licorice.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
The bathroom sink is for washing hands and was not meant to be your personal water fountain. I'm tired of being summoned to the bathroom when you are ready for a drink. The bowl of water in the kitchen is not contaminated and has no floaters! So from now on you will drink from there... I put fresh water in daily!

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The cats live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, he's a cat. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. My cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear our clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and you can sterilize them so they don't get pregnant.

Great letter.

It's great! :thumbsup:

Someone else did - I just found it on my hard drive. I eirther got that through an e-mail, or someone may have posted it on DU a while back.

This is the DU member still known as CO Liberal.

Bravo!

Everything on the tables and contertops is there for a reason. Pushing it onto the floor just for the momentary excitement you get, just makes a mess.

I don't mind if you sleep in the dirty clothes. Please refrain from sleeping in the basket of clean clothes.

The blinking cursor is important to me. I'm sure it's fun to chase but it keeps me from seeing the info on the screen.

The refrigerator is for food storage only. It is not your personal igloo. So please stay out of the fridge.

If you want to look out of the window, please move the blind aside. It is just not acceptable to part the slats with your face. There is nothing more disturbing than a blind with a cat butt sticking out of it.

:shrug:

with me - why do you think you are entitled to mine?

The top of my head is quite clean enough--it's not necessary to lick it as you lounge on the back of the couch.

The last bite of food in the bowl is quite as tasty as the rest of the food and it is permissible to eat it.

We do occasionally open a can that is NOT cat food. Please refrain from whining when we open a can of pineapple.

Although we're quite pleased you caught a mouse in the basement, we'd just as soon not display it in the kitchen.

I was walking across the living room towards the kitchen, he was walking towards me from the kitchen. He could have kept walking straight and passed by my left side, but instead, just as he reaches me, he takes a sharp left turn and runs across right in front of me, almost causing me to trip over him.

Maybe he saw a fly out of the corner of his eye and darted over to catch it. Maybe he was trying to kill me. Does thinking like this make sense in the cat world? :D

He just wanted you to trip and fall on your face so he could laugh and feel superior.

Typical cat trick.

s_m

We are only trying to help. We know you have a bad memory. If you trip on us at least we know that you know we are there - just in case we need something.

What is NASCAR anyway? You humans move so slow you need machines to help you move fast. Too bad you don't know the joy of flopping over the body of the other cat and romping as you chase them under the bed.

Body warmth was meant for use. We like to snuggle close. If my asshole is too close to your face shift so that my body lies across your neck.

Phone cord? We thought it was a snake! We were trying to protect you!

We know how helpless humans are so we are constantly trying to help. Some other animal may pounce on you when you are taking your "constitutional" we merely want to guard you during that vulnerable moment.

Butts, mouths, what's the difference when you have to clean one with the other - oh that's right you do yours different! Strange human!

Water is fun, if you have a creek in your home, why should I not drink from it?

As for the rest regarding interlopers to our territory, we have you half way properly trained. We love you and will continue with your training.

Love,

Your cat kids.