Divorce sucks.

That's all there is to it. How can you forgive a person for taking years of your life, your trust, your everything? Furthermore, how can you forgive yourself and not feel like a failure for letting things get to this point (or even getting together to begin with)? There have been days (which thankfully are getting fewer and fewer), where I just say to myself, "You ruined your life, Sarah. You had everything. You could have been anything and your ruined your life." I don't believe anything's ruined logically, but it's hard- damned hard. Some days are just harder than others. :(

I don't know about divorce, but I know it's not smart to dwell on the past and beat yourself up. Concentrate on the future and the better life that awaits you.

:pals:

:pals:

Don't be down on yerself. Glass o' wine, some Wilford-Brimley-oatmeal-commercial-comfortable music, you'll be OK. Maybe, if you wanna be really bad, take up smoking for a month. Just don't be down on yerself. ;-)

I'm sure you've heard this before, but it does get better. The first year is the hardest. Now I'm just incredibly grateful I was able to get out of a bad situation.

Hang in there!

...but DU is a good place to vent when you need to :pals:
Maybe start a new hobby? Get more cats?
Love's a real asshat sometimes...

You'll get through it, and be much happier in the end. It will get worse before it gets better, but the better is worth it. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT get involved with ANYONE for a long time. I made that silly mistake. I am just in the past 6 months healing. You will, too.
:hug:

I need a large amount of space and time to heal to feel whole enough to make any major commitments to anyone. I don't know how much longer I'm willing to be completely "alone" though (if you know what I mean). I'm still a young woman and many of those needs have not been, uh, properly utilized shall we say. Sometimes people can have non-typical relationships for a time if coming from a place of mutual understanding and honesty.

Part of it was my fault. I married not for love, but for the kid. Who is everything I ever dreamed about. She is wonderful.

The divorce nearly drove me crazy and cost me every penny I owned. And I HAD CUSTODY. Nothing about divorce is good. Period. It sucks and I found out too late, TAKE OVER YOUR OWN CASE. FIRE THE LAWYERS. GET RID OF THEM. Their only interest is in prolonging things to drive up the price. If there are no major issues, go pro se and demand your ex does too. Even if he won't, do it yourself and DEMAND TO GO TO TRIAL. Lawyers will delay all they can, at $250 and up an hour.

Believe me, once I took over my case, I humiliated them and won easily. They were scraping for dollars and the lawyer for the ex was specifically excluded from collecting fees from me OR the ex for unnecessarily delaying the trial. If you two can agree on the basics and write out a parenting plan, you can save the $130K I lost.

In fact, shutting off our emotions to deal with practical matters seems to be our specialty throughout our marriage.

I'm not greedy and neither is he. We only want to make things right for the children. He's a good dad and a pretty good person overall, but just hasn't been a very good husband. I thought if I didn't bug him about stuff that bothered me or compromised at every turn, it would make him happy. Instead, it just made me feel dead inside in regard to him. I can't make myself feel anything.

You CAN be friends. Let all the crap about bed and sex and flowers go and concentrate on the fatherhood and motherhood. That is what is important. When I won the case, the judge wrote a STINGING judgement against the ex. OK, I was vindicated. They did horrible things against me. But the second it was over and the lawyer left, we got on the phone and settled things. I technically have custody, but my daughter chooses to live with her mother. So I deal with it.

The important thing is to not let this make your family poor. SERIOUSLY. You can get into a hate mode, but the answer is going to be the same. After three years, we got the exact same solution I offered at the beginning. The lawyers got $130K. IF YOU CAN, sit down and talk to your husband and assure him you do not want to rip his guts out. And tell him he is a great father and you want him to be involved with his kids and you will never stand in the way.

It sounds like he is a nice guy, and you two just don't get along. But your kids probably love him. When divorce starts, men immediately think they will never see their kids again. And the court system does nothing to disabuse us of that. My wife's lawyer, when I won custody, immediately accused me of sexual abuse and I had to turn my daughter over to child services which, to be kind, was run by a bunch of lesbian man-haters. My daughter had to scream at the judge that nothing ever happened, and he had one of the women fired for committing perjury.

I hope you will not go through this, because that is what waits down the road. Get an arbitrator and settle as much as you can. And whatever you do, let the kids see their father as much as possible. I have seen so many kids screwed up by a bitter divorce.

I can offer some useful advice. PM me.

We love our children and want to make this as smooth as possible for them. There's many things I have a right to be angry about, but I would never try to hurt him or be spiteful because I'd only hurt the children. Same with him. It's just too bad we relate to each other the way we do. We've always been very good on paper, but sometimes that's just not enough.
We're actually in agreement on so many things (most everything really), we're doing a large part ourselves and using an attorney at the end to make it all legal. I'm just thankful we're both rational human beings who love our children and want what's best for them. It could be worse and the emotional aspects are difficult enough.

we were totaly in lust with each other for the first 6 or 7 years. Our son came and my priorities changed. I recall several arugements we had about his feeling that I had put him on the back burner. Both of us working different shifts (me days, him nights)and me with the additional job of caring for a baby. We were older (34/43) and I often thought I waited too long and I was too old to have a child. I resented the fact that my life had to change with a child but his didn't (I used to work nights too).

We argued about stupid things, he thought I was cold and unattentive, he regretted marrying me, I was a bitch. I thought he was selfish. All I knew was that he was so angry all the time and he never missed an opportunity to make me feel bad. We grew so far apart that the only reason I thought we stayed together was because of our son. There were times I just wished he would die.

And guess what? He did. Just over a year ago, he had been sick for a long time and passed one night in his sleep. He never told me just how bad it was. Or maybe he did and I just didn't listen? Maybe I was so wrapped up in working and making a home and raising a child that I really did cut him out of it?

One thing about divorce is that you can go back, if you can no longer be together at least you can explore what went wrong. Express your regrets to each other and most importantly, apologize. I don't know what I'm trying to say.. I do but I'm having trouble articulating it..

Especially for your son. Divorce shouldn't take away parents, but with death, there's no turning back. :(

My situation is different. I've been with him since I was 18 (I'm now 32). He's almost 10 years older. I was young and very alone and vulnerable at the time and just sort of tried to fulfill what he wanted for his life. I was very lost within myself for a long time and I don't want to go back to that place. He's often very controlling emotionally and snaps at me all the time, but doesn't even see it or admit to it. I still cringe all the time when he's around. Constant eggshells. I can't live like this any longer.

He still reminds me at times how much he loves me and how this is breaking his heart, but for years, he never acted like he loved me much with his behavior- both toward me as well as other stuff. Whatever love I had shut down a long time ago just for self-preservation. I have nothing left to give to him when it comes to romantic love. I don't hate him (well, sometimes I suppose I do, but as a human being, I still care for him on some level) and I want to remain as friendly as possible to make things easier for the children.

I just refuse to have fear dictate my life any longer. It's time to take care of myself. I am a strong person. I can do this.

I have this to say: Yes, there are plenty of lawyers who will "churn" (build up the hours without real necessity) your case. But there is an alternative - divorce mediation. If you can get the parties to calm down enough to realize it, this is really the way to handle the negotiations that accompany divorce.

But don't blame lawyers completely. I have seen many a case that could not be settled because one party or the other wanted revenge.

My lawyers hated each other and at the same time, churned.

When I took over my case, I took it to trial in two weeks and slaughtered them. Let's face it, being an attorney is not very hard work. If you have the facts on your side, you just hammer them. And I had watched enough to know how to write out pleas.

The divorce system in this country sucks. The people who need protection don't get it, and the people who don't get it. IMHO.

just "wasted all that time". Life and relationships are never really wasted. Try it this way: take whatever joy and lessons you can out of it.


Anyway, it gets easier. Give yourself permission to grieve. Love yourself. Take that class or trip you always said that you were going to do.


My thoughts are with you SarahBelle.


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You need to make plans for yourself and stop beating yourself up over the "wasted" years. They are in your past and you need to look forward to the future.

You don't need someone in your life that keeps putting you down and making you feel insecure.

Go back to College and take a class each semester and get your mind off of him. Focus on you because if you don't you will get into a slump that you can't get out of.

Think of the future and try to leave the past behind. You can't go back wards but you can move forward.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Some of us have been where you are at right now. It's very painful and you need to look forward to your future and don't think about a relationship think about you.

:hug:

From 9/05-5/07, my life is going to spent working full-time and doing the 12-20 hours a week of clinical work needed to become an RN (prerequisites are done) because my initial degree is useless money-wise. Add to that balancing the children with him. I won't have time to think about anything. I won't have time to eat, sleep, or pee unfortunately.

I'm sorry if this comes off negative, but I just know I have a long road ahead of me.

Even if you have kids you have to do something positive for yourself. It's not about the degree it's about doing something to take your mind off of a bad situation.

Your ex has to pay for his kids and your living expenses but you need to do something that will help make you feel better.

I'm sorry that you took my message the wrong way. Women that have come out of abusive situations have low self esteem and I am one of them. Don't let him keep you depressed you are better then he is.

I know how much money there is. He can't pay for two places, so it's not fair for me to expect him to pay for me- I'll get a settlement for my share of equity on the house and in a couple years my income will be the same as his. Plus, I need my own insurance. It's just life. I was going to wait until I was done with school, but I can't take it anymore. He'll even have the kids more than me and take care of whatever daycare costs we have. They'll just miss their mommy all the time. There is not one person in my day to day life who cares about anything positive for me. I will get a little something, but I have to fight for it at the same time.

:hug:

...and getting it ready to move out. We are not on good terms. It's been a very rough six months since I filed, and of course that was the culmination of several awful years. If I can just get through the next few weeks it'll be over-- but I feel like I've been saying that for a long time.

Yep, divorce sucks majorly. Of course, not divorcing probably sucks worse.

:(

You really wanted to hear that, right?

I guess I've not gotten used to not being her emotional speed-bag anymore.

For years, I was constantly saying, "I'm sorry" for no apparent reason.

"Don't talk to my friends when they come over. You embarrass me with that shit you talk about. Just stay in the back yard and keep that shit coming off the grill until everyone leaves...And if you're good, I might give you a blow job in the pool later!"

Can't make shit this sick up....

and you find others to share your life.

Today is sad but tomorrow will be a better day and future.

But then you know how craptacular mine is.

Hand in there and I will, too.

You have summoned the courage and the will to change it NOW. Now, if you were 70, and still married to that pinhead... THEN you could say that...

I only get smarter after 25,000 ya know. ;-) :hug:

I know I may have a tough couple years ahead, but after that, things are much, much easier and I'll still be only 35. :D
Many women in my shoes would just wait. I could wait, but I don't want to wake up one day to find myself 50 years old, 300 pounds and on Prozac. It's not a judgment on other people, but I see a fork in the road and on one road, I know that's the likely path because I know my demons when I'm not true to myself. The other is more dimly lit and bumpy, but I know it's a better one.

Now THAT'S the proper attitude.

Change must be embraced and allowed to liberate you from ways of living and thinking that are limited and spiritually deadening.

The next 50 years or more will cast a light on the first 35, and you will realize you HAD to go through that darkness to get to where you want to be. It was a necessary stage, and without it you were not challenged to grow and learn. :-)

See, that's why I love that ZombyLove. :pals:

Ah fugeddabout 'em! ;-)

What did the bum weigh? A deuce? Deuce and a half? Think positively, smile often, and when anyone asks why you are so happy, tell them you are thrilled that you lost (weight of the ex) pounds!

You didn't ruin your life, you just had a hard, long lesson. Don't forget it, but get beyond it. Your first love should be yourself...just keep that in mind. You can't value someone else unless you value yourself most of all.

The post divorce "firsts" are hard..first holiday, first roadtrip <or in my case at the time, plane trip>...goodness even the first few nights to eat out with the kids by myself. I cannot tell you how I would cringe when the hostess would look at me with the kids, look BEHIND me, and go "uh, three??". You would think women weren't allowed out of the house by themselves the way some of them looked at me when they said "three?". It either doesn't happen anymore or I am immune to it, probably the latter.
But now is a different story..I love planning vacations for me and the kids all by myself and in 5 yrs or so I can take on nursing travel assignments around cuz all the kids will be off in college.
Just make sure you do things for YOURSELF frequently...my getaways were when the kids were with their father and I went off with my friends!

the one who met the guy at that coffee shop and were interested in him, and asked us about it?

Is this about that?

and playing the blame game is not healthy.

You're exactly where you're supposed to be, here and now.

It's not easy and, I am sorry. :hug:

Most of the time I feel ok and at peace, but there are times I'm not. Usually when I attempt to much to rationalize my emotions (or really shut them off). That doesn't work. I lived that way for too long and it made everything worse and it made me miserable in the process.

I believe there is a plan and purpose to all this somehow. I just don't understand it all yet. Maybe I'm not meant to understand it so much as learn more from it and be a stronger person.

We need to have lunch today or something? Gonna PM you.