The delicate problem of helping a homeless addict.

First of all, just so we're clear: I know I can't save anyone; I know that addicts, by nature of their illness, are supremely untrustworthy; I know the odds are against her. So here's the story.

Last week I was coming home from work. I was hustled for change by a girl, late teens or early twenties. I walked by, but something about her struck me, so I circled back around and asked her if she were okay.

We talked for a bit. She said she lost her apartment last month and her job shortly thereafter. I asked her if she were at a shelter. She said she lost all her stuff at one and she had only the clothes she had on.

I told her, "Well, look. I have no way of knowing what your story really is. I won't give you money so that I don't fuel a drug habit, but I'm going to the store and I'll pick you up some food."

I got a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and some juice boxes. When I came back out she smiled and thanked me and pointed to a young slackerish man with a beret and goatee, saying, "This is my boyfriend." I had the instant feeling that he might be source of a lot of her woes.

I kept her in mind. I looked up some social service phone numbers and noted them for her, keeping it in my purse. I saw her yesterday, spare-changing people at the gas station, but since I didn't have my purse, I didn't have the sheet. I asked her about her clothes, since she had a different t-shirt. "Someone gave it to me, but I don't like what it says"--Hennessey Cognac. "Yeah, doesn't make the best impression."

When I went home next I tossed a t-shirt and the sheet in the car. She had mentioned a nearby flophouse, so I stopped by it and talked with the desk guy. "There a girl named ______ here?"
"This is a men's hotel."
"Okay."
"Wait a sec. What's she look like?"
"Young white chick, long hair, nineteen or twenty."
"I just saw her over by the Amoco station when I went on break."
"Okay."
"She's with a guy. He's got a goatee."
"Yeah."
"Oh yeah. He stayed here a while, but not any more. They're heroin addicts."
"Hoo boy. I figured there was something like that going on."
"You know," he says, "I stop and talk to her. I tell her she's gotta get to rehab. She's a pretty girl, she's not selling her body, she's got some of her dignity. She got with this guy, and he was using, and she did too, but she thinks she loves him. She was telling me she stole her sister's credit card. I say, you can't do that, that's your family, they're there for you."
"Shit. She's stuck to him like glue, eh?"
"Yeah. That's it."
"Aw geez. What a shame. You know, I saw the same thing. Like she wasn't totally hardened to life on the streets yet."
"You know you can't help these people with things. You gotta show 'em some love. She's with him cause he shows her some affection, you know?"

As proud proprietor of a vulnerable female heart, I know, I know. "Oh yes, I know."

"So someone else gotta pay some attention to her, show her there's another way. You gotta spend some time with her. I try to talk to her. But you can't help her with things."

"Oh, I know sir. She's gotta make that decision herself."

I drove around to the gas station where I found her hustling change. I rolled down my window. "Hey _____."

I gave her the t-shirts and referrals. "Oh, did you type these up for me? Thanks." (I type better than I write, so I type everything.) I said, "I know someone at this agency here. His name is _____. If it helps you make that call, call him. Get off the streets. It's no good out here."

"I know."

"It doesn't move your life forward. Make some phone calls. If I see you around we'll get a cup of coffee. Ok?"

"Okay."

So that's the story. I can talk to her, take her some place if she's ever ready. I think that's the extent of what I can do. Doesn't this shit just break your heart? I feel better just getting this off my chest.

If you have any suggestions on what else I can do that might help, won't hurt, and won't compromise my safety, I'd like to hear them.

If ya can.......get her last name.....and where she is from (on the sly, of course)

And search for her family.....and let them know where she is and what's going on.

She may not be selling her body today.....but that's a matter of time. You think Mr. Goatee who sits by while she panhandles is going to let a sure thing money making deal pass him buy? I don't think so.

And with that...you would be betraying her...but perhaps saving her life.


***I have a theory on helping the down and out. We can't save the whole world. And there's only so much we can do for the ones we do try to help. BUT...from time to time, someone catches our eye and our whole heart -- and I think it is divine intervention telling us to intervene for that person. And so we must.

And *never* give her any money -- you can't enable AT ALL.

DO NOT CONTACT HER FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have no idea what the situation is. She could have run away because they were selling her into prostitution, because her father or brother or stepfather was raping her, because her mother was beating her, because they were drug addicts, because they were cultists.

Please don't do this, you'd be doing her a HUGE disservice.

Cat

I think they'd be pissed at her right now and not inclined to help.

And as a person who was almost homeless many times in her late teens and early 20's, I think you are a wonderful person for what you've done already. Many times, it was only through grace that I had a roof over my head, and I know how lucky I am.

The only suggestion I would make is to make sure she has information about detoxes, rehabs, and 12-step meetings in your area (don't know if you included that on your list). She needs to at least have the information available to her. She of course has to take the steps on her own.

Bless you for what you've done, keep reaching out and stay safe yourself, don't let her manipulate you because she's had plenty of practice with that, but you're doing good work here, and you may be the only person in the world who cares about her welfare right now. You may be the one person who she thinks of when she wonders who would care if she lived or died. Remember that.

Cat

because when I drew it up I didn't know if drugs were in the picture.

I'll keep detox/rehab info handy. If she admits to a drug problem, I'll offer to take her to rehab when she's ready. There's one not far from downtown.

When things go even further downhill for this woman, and they likely will, this kindness you've shown to her may be all that keeps her alive and reaching out for help. You've done a good thing here.

I didn't know that about you CP and I am very very glad that you are back from that. Congratulations.

Good luck.

180

She'll need it.

For one, don't volunteer anything about yourself, other than a first name. Do not volunteer where you live or a phone number or anything like that. My sister had her identity stolen this way.

You've been pretty generous thus far, but don't give her too much. We have a regular guy, Kenny, who comes along to the back door once a week or so. We give him a few bucks, and will fill up his water jug and maybe give him a bagel or sandwich left over from lunch...but that's all he gets. From what I've heard, he does do odd jobs from time to time, but our boss (who knows him primarily) says that he does need help every now and then. He just doesn't want him to become dependent on us.

I think you need to keep in mind that they are addicts. This, in my experience, throws everything out the window.

and that's all I plan to tell her.

I must confess to feeling some anxiety--have I given away something about my identity that I didn't plan to? But I didn't tell her my last name, or take her for a ride in my car, or show her my home or give her contact information, so I figure I should be ok.

...do it all through counselors and things like that. Definitely don't let her in your car. And I would steer clear of the boyfriend too.

Maybe shes wanted or something

Btw you did a great thing buying her food and not giving her money.


Do not get personal with her sorry but shes a drug addict, she can kill you for drugs if shes desperate. Dont give any personal details out at all. not even your last name.

it's kinda sad that you'd assume that anyone addicted to drugs or living on the streets are criminals, and they don't deserve help and sympathy.

i'm going to assume you haven't had much contact with homeless people and/or drug addicts and leave it at that.

forradalom, you have so far,imho, done exactly the right thing.
building trust is a key and you have done this. sometimes it is easier to accept the 'help' of strangers and to trust them too,because we don't automaticly assume they have ulterior motives-
the baggage isn't there.

thank you.

I volunteer at a shelter my church set up for homeless women or beaten women about twice a week so yeah i know what im talking about and even though your heart shatters everytime, the drug addics are already dead, the only thing in them now are the drugs.

They will say ANYTHING i mean anything to get money for drugs or alcohol, and if that doesnt work in many cases they can get violent.

Buy them food THATS IT. but you are just helping the drug addict not the human. Call the cops maybe just maybe shes got a loving family out there.. if not well you tried.


And her being friendly and everything.. she most likely just sees a guy she can squeeze money out for drugs.. i know its harsch as hell but this is reality

I'm a gal. But the concept is the same. I hear you.

and i'm still disagreeing with you.

for all we know what forradalom has done has already helped this person. we do not have enough info about this girl to assume where she's 'at'. or that a friendly stranger could not reach her. i've seen it happen so i know that it can.

i agree that forradalom should be careful and not give this girl money, and not get too friendly but other than that, i think you're
being presumptuous about the girl and her situation.

btw, one of my very best friends of many years is a former addict. i think the fact that we are still friends says plenty in regards to the 'general' assumptions concerning the behavior of drug addicts.

the drug addics are already dead, the only thing in them now are the drugs.

Really? That's funny, when I took the drugs out of my body, I was still alive, and I still am, 12 years later. How do you explain that? And if you really believe that addicts are such helpless cases, why do you volunteer at all? Wouldn't it be better to just round them all up and shoot them?

They will say ANYTHING i mean anything to get money for drugs or alcohol, and if that doesnt work in many cases they can get violent.

This is ignorant and a stereotype. I know hundreds and hundreds of serious drug addicts who never stole, never got violent, and still held jobs and maintained their homes. There are upper-middle class housewives addicted to not just oxycontin, but heroin. William Borroughs lived, worked, and published books for how many years as a heroin addict? 30?

And her being friendly and everything.. she most likely just sees a guy she can squeeze money out for drugs.. i know its harsch (sic) as hell but this is reality

When I was a drug addict, I held doors open for old women at the grocery store. I said thank you to the bank teller. I showed up for work. I smiled at strangers.

Where did you get all these erroneous, insulting, and damaging stereotypes about drug addicts? And how can you still be so woefully misinformed after having volunteered and, I'm sure, seen firsthand that drug addicts are, first and foremost, human beings?

I highly recommend you educate yourself on this subject, because you are wrong.

Cat

i tried to address the same points with my post but you stated it much better than i.

i'm happy that you were able to overcome your addiction Cat.
definitely not easy and i applaud you for it.

I was getting a bit paranoid there for a minute, wondering if I naively put myself at risk.

There are high-functioning addicts and low-functioning ones. If an addict's on the streets, it's best to assume low-functioning, and protect oneself accordingly.

Which means protect yourself, first and foremost. But unlike some of the other posters here, I don't think that means write her off entirely. For example, you said earlier that if she admitted to a drug problem, you'd try to get her to a rehab. Well, don't put her in your car (dangerous), but you could ride the bus with her (safe).

You seem like you have naturally empathetic instincts, and I think as long as you listen to any "warning bells" that might go off in your head and HEED them, you will be perfectly fine. And at the same time, you will quite possibly save someone's life--which is about the best thing you can do, right?

I don't think I said it before, but best of luck. If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

Cat

Im really happy for you and all but are you honestly telling me youre the standard and not the exception?

Youre writing that im wrong and many drug users have homes etc etc.. you really think im talking about them??? when the whole thread is about some homeless junkie?

If you read my answer again im writing about homeless junkies i meet when they come for food or somewhere to sleep.

Youre saying you had a job and everything, youre not even in the same category here. You somehow managed to have somekind of life. The girl forladarom wrote about is most likely a prostitute in some month.

I got all my "weird", "erroneus", "insulting", stereotypes from 1st hand experience girl.

Now i have no experience from drug addicts who has ajob and a middleclass home but I do have experience with homeless junkies.

And please spare me the insults if you answer.. i didnt give advice to her just to get insulted.


Oh and i volunteer because for some weird reason i like to help people and not only DRUG ADDICTS come to our shelter.

of homeless drug addicts.

i've spent time with them and they're not all like you describe.

But when you decide to help some random junke you better be safe then sorry.. all im saying.

the drug addics are already dead, the only thing in them now are the drugs.

Really? That's funny, when I took the drugs out of my body, I was still alive, and I still am, 12 years later. How do you explain that? And if you really believe that addicts are such helpless cases, why do you volunteer at all? Wouldn't it be better to just round them all up and shoot them?

Why are drug addicts already dead? Answer that question. Is there no hope to redeem them?

Im really happy for you and all but are you honestly telling me youre the standard and not the exception?

Have you ever been to an NA meeting? How about a 30 day lockdown rehab facility? How about a work release program for drug addicts being released from prison? How about a 6-day detox program in a hospital?

My guess is you have never been to any of these places, you have met very few actual drug addicts, and you are basing your erroneous, stereotypical, and offensive opinions on a few experiences that you have had that do not represent drug addicts or addiction at all.

Again, I will tell you to educate yourself. And now I really am going to stop responding to you, because your anger and defensiveness makes it a waste of time.

Cat

Hahahaha...when everyone came down on her, she decided to qualify people that she damned in her original post.

Honestly, this child doesn't know what she thinks. Thank god she came to DU--maybe we can help her expand her vision before its too late.

And LOL! The INSULTOR is offended that she has been INSULTED!

OMG, you are just too funny.

edited: spelling

...yes, people can and do come back from heroin addiction. I am very close to a recovered heroin addict, and I, like you, am not willing to say that someone on heroin is already dead. But my experience with heroin addicts makes me understand why someone would say that. The first thing heroin destroys is a person's ability to love. A heroin addict IS a robotic shell with very predictable behavior.

I've had experience with many addicts. They are all now either in recovery or dead which are the only two options. The person who is very close to me would probably be dead right now if he hadn't been arrested, been in jail during his withdrawl, and outed to his family because of the experience.

I really do honor where you're coming from. It's important to look at people individually, and to remember that people in even the worst kinds of trouble are human. But on an emotional level, and because of my experience with heroin addicts and people addicted to other substances, I can understand why someone would say the things that you're objecting to. Heroin is 100% pure evil and it does make people into the walking dead, with the slimmest shot of coming back to life.

I went to rehab with junkies, had friends who were junkies, lived with junkies, and my ex-boyfriend of 4 years was a junkie. I know allll about it, lol. I know every little thing about heroin addiction (except how it feels, a notable exception), and there's no question that heroin is a soul-destroying, evil, despicable substance that will take your humanity away if you let it. Which is why it's ALL THE MORE IMPORTANT TO RECOGNIZE THAT SPARK OF HUMANITY IN EVERY ADDICT WHO STRUGGLES WITH THIS TERRIBLE ILLNESS. Which is why it's ALL THE MORE IMPORTANT TO REACH OUT OUR HANDS, AS LIBERALS AND LOVERS OF HUMANITY.

Notice, I didn't say "get your hand bitten off". :) It is VITAL to protect oneself when dealing with a junkie, and not to get manipulated, stolen from, abused, or conned. There is a way to do both, to reach out your hand to save a life, while still protecting your own.

Cat

ps. You're absolutely right, Renee. Jail, rehab, or dead--those are the three roads available to a junkie.

I hope that this girl has been touched, and that by someone recognizing the humanity still within her that life will want to re-emerge and survive. And I hope that if anyone I love ever falls into the horrible affliction of heroin addiction ever again, someone will see the person who is still alive inside them, and that they will come back.

I just don't know if I'll be strong enough for that person to be me, and hope with all my heart that I'm not tested on it ever again.

*hugs*

I am glad that when I was forced to stay in a domestic violence shelter for a couple of days, the people there were completely understanding and helpful--not judgmental like you.

I also thank god that I was at a state funded shelter, and not a church shelter, where I would have been made to feel shame for "breaking the sacred covenant"--divorce.

And how dare you lump addicts and victims of domestic violence into the same category! EAch has their own set of problems...they are completely different problems.

You are obviously young and inexperienced, and with an earlier poster, I will forgive you of your statements made in UTTER IGNORANCE.

Maybe age will soften you...at least I hope for your benefit it does.

Consindering you never even met me i find it great you calling me heartless. Use your telekenethic powers on the reps please.

Anyway just Where did i lump addicts and beaten in same category?? The SHELTER is open for ANY women with problems but we get mainly women who are beaten by their spouse or addicts/homeless, in no way do we treat them like they are the same..

BTW i love youre stereotypical ideas how we are judgemental or make ppl feel ashame lol.. thats just incredible.

and yeah thank you very much for forgiving me.. not like i give a flying fuck when someone who has absolutely no clue calls me heartless when i write pure experience as advice.. but ohwell great im forgiven.

I honestly to God dont care what Forradalom does but getting trashed when i write advice based on pure experience because its not PC is incredible.

and I see from your angry and defensive responses here that you are unable to look at your words and behavior and see your own ignorance and bigotry . You are offensive. I am obviously wasting my time replying to you, so that'll be it from me. Jchild, good luck if you try, it's like talking to a wall.

Cat

but decided to bide my time, because she will be tombstoned soon.

Just another narrow-minded child using DU as her playground...gets off on riling people up and thus getting attention that mommy and daddy must be neglecting to give her.

A search on her posts shows that her ignorance is not limited to this subject--go look for yourself.

And I am proud of you for what you overcame, and for being brave enough to admit it. I extricated myself from an abusive husband, thanks to a GREAT shelter in Texas that provided me with legal aid, and that never passed judgement on me.

We are SURVIVORS!! :hi:

So you wouldnt be angry when someone who has NEVER met you would call you ignorant, uhm stereotyping, what more.. oh heartless thats great.

youre telling me you wouldnt be angry???

You two, jchild and catpower havent written one single post to me that didnt have somekind of insult in one way or another.

Its like im debating politics with a rep, with the constant insults

It isn't difficult to ascertain your worldview by reading your posts...
You think all drug users are losers.
You think addicts are as good as dead.
You think Africans are evolutionarily weak compared to others. ("AFrica proves Darwin was right." WTF??
You said you could care less about what happens to Iraqis and Afghanis.


Stereotyping? ME?

You need to keep up with your earlier posts so that you can present something that resembles consistency in thought. In your "real world" life, do you always say "I don't care" when someone disputes your narrow vision? That is an elitist, selfish attitude.

Grow up...or just grow...you post as if your opinions are the end-all, and you can't accept or allow others to expand your horizons. In my opinion, that is sad. If we can't expand your views, I promise you that life will.

My last time to respond to you...I prefer debate with people who actually have a leg to stand on.

I wouldnt have mind a nice debate but when your 1st post to me has insults, stereotyping and is generally filled with personal attacks (not to mention even the topic is one fat insult) i tend to get abit angry.


sorry for any inconvenience

i wish had known before about the posters previously expressed opinions i wouldn't have bothered.

Take your time to check out stuff yourself.. all my posts etc. and in what context i wrote them.

2c

With an attitude like that, you're not helping anybody. I'm a recovering alcoholic and have worked with addicts and alcoholics for years. If you can't see the tiny spark of life that is in nearly every human being, than I would suggest there's as much wrong with you as them. I know it's harsh as hell, but hey, it's reality.

Did you work with addicts who actually wanted to get rid of their problems and had support or was it addicts who came in from the street for a sandwitch and maybe clean clothes?

Where i volunteer we dont get people who actually wants to get rid of their addiction or so.. its people who are homeless.. prostitutes or so.. all they want is a bit to eat, money, maybe sleep or so. In two years i never have someone asking me for help getting rid of their drugs or so even though we have tons of papers of hospitals etc.. anyway wish ppl could write without being so insulting



Keep up helping :)

...where I work are just looking for food, or free condoms, or a place to sleep, and are not looking to get out of sex work or off drugs. But by being open to these people, and making opportunities available to them, many of them do end up in recovery.

There isn't a drug addict out there who doesn't want a different life, they just don't believe they can get there. It's unfortunate that you don't believe in the very people who need your belief the most. And I don't care if I was insulting, if you don't have faith in their ability to get better, you shouldn't be working with them. Either go to open A.A. meetings for an extended period of time and learn how to really help, or go offer your services somewhere else. They do not need the idea that they are hopeless to be reinforced.

I understand that it's important to see the humanity in people in the worst situations, even self-imposed situations, and without being able to see that spark, there's little hope of nurturing that spark. And I undersatnd that calling the cops may seem like a cruel suggestion, and that it may be unfair to assume that a homeless addict may be wanted for some type of criminal activity. I understand objecting to those things, but I think it's been done too harshly here. And generally my advice to someone who may suffer from some form of closed-heartedness wouldn't be stop volunteering, but to volunteer more.

But I also have to say that I understand Kamika's reaction. I remember once when I was managing in this restaurant about 2 blocks from a heroin corner in the East Village. A junky was ODing on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant. The bartender was on the phone with EMS. The servers were on the sidewalk tending to the junky. I was running information back and forth between the bartender on the phone and the servers trying to save this kid's life. No one was picking up the food, and the cook was screaming, "Let the fucking junky die!" I could understand everyone's point of view. I could understand the servers' desire to save this person, and I could understand the cooks desire to get the damn food out to the tables and forget the junky who's pretty damn likely to OD tomorrow or the next day if he doesn't die today. This cook had lived in the EV for 20 years and had seen too many junkies.

I've seen way too many junkies too. What it does to people is so horrible. And like I said earlier, the first thing it does to a person is destroy their ability to love. It's hard to see someone as human after that. I agree that it's important to see them as human, but it's damn hard.

While we're so busy arguing that we should be able to look at this afflicted child as a human being, could we possibly look at Kamika as a human being as well?

Thanks.

:) You kinda understands me, but id never be like that chef and tell the junkie to die noway.. but yeah if one of them would come up to me and tell me they needed money to get into a rehab or so id just sigh.

*hugs* !

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

You have received some great advice here Follow-it. I have professionally worked with Herion Addicts and it is difficult. It speaks of you moral compass to try and help. Thanks for being a DU'er

DEMMAN

please take it from me. Be nice to her, don't trust her, she would steel her own widowed mother blind if she needed a fix. Please do not break your heart trying to help her. She must hit bottom and from what you say she has not. Jail time Prostitution, rape...this are the things that will make this girl change her life.....that or God.
I know it sounds hard, but allowing someone to hit their bottom is the kindest thing you can do for them, because it may be the only thing that saves them.
One thing you can tell her is that X can kill her and/or kill her body's ability to make seratonin....forever! Tell her she may be clinically depressed for the rest of her life if she is using it and should stop now....the heroin is actually less dangerous.

I have long since given up thinking you can help an addict besides telling them that you care and that they should stop.

That's the whole point of treatment, to get somebody to see how bad things are before they have to go through jail and prostitution and rape. It's done every day. Helping people requires the ability to have your heart broken.

rom The Velveteen Rabbit

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

She might not be that far gone (she's not hooking yet), and your kindness to her may ultimately remind her that there are good people out there. As long as you give out no personal information beyond a first name, you shouldn't have to worry about anything.

Sooner or later, if she doesn't get help, she will end up bringing a drug exposed baby into the world and then will be forced to get help if she doesn't want to lose the child forever. Trust me, I work is children's services and have seen it a hundred times.

I think all I can do now is talk to her and listen to her, should I see her again.

I have absolutely no intention of bringing her into my life. I know addicts will rob you blind as soon as look at you, since the addiction compels them to.

After nearly bankrupting myself in similar situations and seeing that it made no difference except to enable the addict to keep using and the street person to keep scamming, I've learned to close my eyes and walk away.

She has to come and ask for help. But this is not what is happening. You keep looking for her. And, meanwhile, she has the creepy addict BF out there too.

I think for your own safety you should walk away. You've done what you could. Street people don't often change and, when they do, it comes from within. It doesn't come from being helped. After all, she probably has a family somewhere who would give her food and decent clothing if she would give up the drugs and the boyfriend.

You have a kind heart. Don't burn yourself out on the hopeless, or you'll turn into a cynical old muttering crone like me! If you want to help people, it just seems to work better to help people who just need a hand up. For instance, if someone is homeless because her house or trailer burned down. You can actually help them because they aren't self destructive, they're just unlucky. But when you have the multiple loser -- heroin, homeless, scummy boyfriend -- it is a job best left for the professionals for the sake of your own sanity and not getting your own life mixed up with the drug culture and the resulting violence.

until they recognize their own self-destruction, they will take little care in not hurting others.

DemEx

I continue to see her around the neighborhood. She's taken up residence in the gas station parking lot, hustling people late at night. She's still wearing the same Hennessey VSOP t-shirt. I saw the boyfriend roll by on a scooter, cigarette in hand, as I entered the supermarket across the street. He looked like a real slouch. I glanced across the street and saw the girl hanging out with another young woman.

Reluctantly I went to the local precinct and had a word with the desk sargeant about them. The officer said that if they were on private property, the cops could do nothing. I said, "I'm not demanding that you chase them away, just letting you know what's happening in the neighborhood." He said he'd be in that area tomorrow and would see if he could spot them.