Experiences of the partner/spouse of a substance abuser

Need helpful feedback/stories of coping from the many intelligent people on this board who may have experienced this problem. For example, is there hope or is it usually hopeless? What is an appropriate way to handle the lies, betrayal, and deception?

This is why I am still awake at 3:30am--and worried that I won't make it to my family's house for the holiday. Sorry if this post makes no sense, I'm exhausted.

I have no advice, just a hug to you and hope that the sun will come up soon:hug:

You have to decide if that's what you want to continue to deal with for a long time or if you want to be happy. No one should have to worry about the things you are worrying about. If you can, have family pick you up and go for your thanksgiving dinner without your problem. Good luck and best wishes.

but you have to post a few more times before you get your mailbox.

In my experience, in the case of my ex (who had a secret dependency), there's not much hope.

It ended our marriage, because I tried 'tough love' and told her to choose between her destructive lifestyle and her marriage. She chose the lifestyle.

I think there might be hope if your partner admits he/she has a problem. If not, there's really noghing you can do for them.

I wish I could be more encouraging, but, as I said, that's just one opinion.

Your focus should be on protecting yourself; it is too easy to give that person everything you can to try to help them, but you can end up giving more than you should, emotionally, financially, and physically. Their 'salvation', for lack of a better word, shouldn't be at the cost of your happiness.

Good luck to you, and try speaking with a real counselor about this. We at DU aren't all so smart, believe it or not!

It's for the spouses/significan-others of alcholics and other addicts.

It doesn't help us save them; it helps us save ourselves and to realize what we are doing to perpetuate the problem.

To answer your question: No, there is always hope. Only thing is, you may have to make difficult choices for that hope to see reality.

In the meantime, just smile, make like you're enjoying yourself... and get through the holidays with as much good cheer as you can manage.

Another of our sayings: "Fake it 'til you make it".

here is my experience and understanding of substance abuse:

- the abuser needs to want to take the step to change. nobody else can make them do it.
- they will lie, steal and do all kinds of things to remain faithful to their drug of choice. this has nothing to do with you; and don't take it personally. but know that as long as they're doing the drug, they will say or do anything to try to fool you and continue their addiction.
- yelling at, nagging, or criticizing an addict will not do any good. it only makes them feel worse and will not do anything to help them get off the drug.
- if there is any hope, being supportive is the only way to bring an addict around: i'd approach the situation with "I really love and care about you and am concerned that this drug use is really hurting you." see if they're open to a plan to quit. if not, you can pretty much count on them continuing to lie, etc.
- you need to stand firm (without expressing anger) with what you will and will not tolerate. do not tolerate physical abuse. leave. that will not get better once it starts.
- oftentimes the reason the person becomes an addict in the first place is because of some other psychological pain in their life: unresolved issues, low self-esteem, other chemical imbalance - ie, they're self medicating. once again, compassion can help, and getting them to go to a psychiatric professional would be a good course of action. they need to know they're loved, that they're not a "lesser" or "screwed up" person for seeking psychiatric help, and that you're are supportive of them.

sometimes they quit, sometimes they don't. very often they relapse. it takes a while for someone to become an addict; often it's fueled by a lifetime of issues, and it can take years to re-establish new patterns and ways of thinking for them to not "need" the drug anymore. it's a long, hard road, and even if they quit, they still may have quite a path in front of them to really be okay again. and once again, and more often than not - they may relapse.

someone that my husband knows just started drinking again after 6 years of being sober; she's never happy, and doesn't believe she has any issues - she's always the victim and it's everybody else around her who are "out to get her." she's always going to be an addict whether she's drinking or not. it's really sad; I put her in that "hopeless" category you talk about... of course there may always be hope, but the question comes down to how much of your life are you willing to spend waiting for a person to come around? it's quite possible that hanging in there is only keeping them from their path to recovery.

After 9 years, I finally left him. It got to the point where I couldn't believe a single word that came out of his mouth no matter how mundane. I finally accepted that there was nothing I could do to make him give a shit about himself or anyone else. It took me about two years to gradually pull out of the relationship and come to terms with actual reality instead of the mutually created myth we had enveloped ourselves within.

I'd argue that there's always hope but you're gonna have to decide how much of yourself you're willing to sacrifice to possibility. Most addicts relapse and even the ones who don't still carry the behaviors around unless they're willing to really deal their with their shit. Knocking out reactions that have been ingrained in you since childhood is often more work than people are willing to take on.

I really don't know what an appropriate reaction to the deception is seeing as the deception is inappropriate to begin with. I would alternate between trying to believe the lies, to pitying him, to calling him out, to egging him on to tell me more bullshit just out of curiosity as to how far he would take it, to just laughing at and ignoring whatever the new story was. Etc. Passive Agressive Melodrama. It was really fucking horrible. To be so "close" to someone who won't be honest with you really screws with your head and can warp your perception of your other healthy relationships.

It might do you some good to get out of context for a bit. Just a weekend or something. Without contact so that you can attempt to be objective about the situation, get emotion out of the way and look at things from a bit of distance.

Take care of yourself.