How to Make Friends

1. Pretend to be interested in what other people are saying. Repeat back everything they say word for word.

2. Mock people behind their back while others are watching. Chances are, they hate that guy / girl too and will respect you more for your insight.

3. Buy a puppy. Become one of those "puppy sluts" that walks around with it in large public gatherings.

4. Learn how to play the triangle. Everybody loves a musician.

5. Pretend that you have traveled abroad. Tell people about the wild and crazy time you had in (insert European country here) doing loads of (insert controlled substance here) while having sex with (insert sexual preference or animal species here).

6. Carry hard candy in your pockets. Hey, it works for grandma.

7. Compliment people on their shoes. Unless they're wearing flip-flops... then you'll just look like a moron.

8. Become a rap star. Spend yo' benjamins on strippers and Cristal and you'll be sure to have a posse in no time.

9. Beat people up. People will be your friend out of fear.

10. Get fake breasts. It doesn't matter if you are a girl or a guy, boobies are fun.

11. In a cheesy Australian accent, ask people if they've ever "been to the land down unda". Don't forget to call them "mate" at least 15 times during the conversation. If they try to walk away, hump their leg while singing INXS songs.

12. Wash your sheets. Everybody likes the smell of clean linen.

13. Get an old Chevy van and park it in front of the grocery store. Abduct new "friends" at random.

14. Start a gang. Call it "Best Friends Forever". Make jackets with the "BFF" logo across the back and roam the streets giving people hugs.

15. Move out of Canada.

16. Lose a limb. People will be your friend out of pity.

17. Tell everyone you meet about the time you got backstage passes for a Richard Marx concert. Go into great detail about how you tried get him to join you after the show, but he was already hooking up with "the girl from Hanson".

18. Buy a parrot and teach it to sing "Like a Virgin". Take it to church with you.

19. Take out an add in the paper advertising free kittens. Convince people when they show up at your house that "the add most certainly did say that they were deep-fried."

20. Write something for The Toilet and keep sending it in again and again and again until they put it on the webpage. At least some of the staff will like you for flooding their email. People love junk email.

...and I have a really old dog, does that make me a 'puppy slut' or a geriatricphile?

:hi:

:shrug: