Joke Thread!!! Why did the mushroom get invited to every party??

A - because he was a fungi.

<edited for freeper spelling>

You look a little flushed.

A ball-point banana.

:-)

is what my daughter rated it! Try again!

Edit: too dirty for a daughter...let's try this one:

Why is a giraffe's neck so long?

Because his head is so far away from his body.

But she NEEDS TO GO TO SLEEP!!!!

Because 7 8 9.

keep 'em coming.....

Nice belt!

Someone who leaves a burning question mark on your lawn.

What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who rings your doorbell but doesn't know why.

... I'll work on them!

He wanted to get to the other slide.

Splat!

... don't know what to say....?

good one!!!!

.... but I've gotta get them to sleep.....!!!

A Phillips screwdriver

right after I told him the joke....bad boy!!!!

Cluck-Kent

Ground beef

No idea. ("No-eyed deer.")

What do you call a deer with no arms and no legs?

Still no idea. ("Still no-eyed deer.")

"very funny" she says as she cackles her discontent w/bedtime.

Actually, that is a really good one!

"Elephino"

DREW a PICTURE!!! OMG - it is tooo funny (warped)!!! I will scan it and post in the future,

but I liked it, in a juvenile sense!

Because his wife died.

--p!

... don't make me explain in front of .......

3.

1 to screw in the lightbulb and 2 to throw feces at each other.

She is GETTING IT!!!

A fuckhole!

but too true

Q - What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A - "Here come elephants over hill."

* * * * *

Q - What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

A - Nothing - he didn't recognize them.

... or maybe I had too much wine....?

Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of JOKE?"

A: Paddy O'Furniture <<rimshot>>

good one!

I detest victim humor or humor that stereotypes people.


Unless they're Newfies or Yuppers. :silly:

Make me one with everything!!!

when the Buddha asked for his change?

"Change comes from within."

from without

when you open the cabinet to retrieve the 1000-Island?

"Close the door, I'm dressing!"

kiddies are :puke: all over the place!

try again.

Sorry, I'm tapped out.

A man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock at the front door.

He opens the door, no one is there. Looks down and sees a snail on the stoop. "What in the heck???" He picks up the snail and throws it as hard as he can.

Three years later, he's sitting in his living room, hears a knock. Opens the door... and sees the same snail.

Snail sez, "What the hell was THAT all about?!"

Drool.

Kids are laughin', but they must sleep soon.....

Because he was stapled to the chicken.

... seen you around... no joke.

George W. and Laura are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken and fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Laura says.

The waiter nods. "And for the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," Laura replies.

but it is sooo elastic....

Is that you coffin?


did someone already do that?

One is a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other is a dirigible.

:-)

The frog sez "Hey doc, could you help get this thing off my butt?"

feels in need of companionship. He decides to get a pet and so walks down to the local pet shop. He looks over the puppies, kittens, birds and fish but doesn't see anything he especially likes. Then the shop owner shows him a little centipede. It comes with its own habitat that even includes a little "house" for when it wants privacy. The man takes the centipede home and the two start to get to know each other. One day the man decides to take his new friend out with him. The centipede is in his house and the man asks "Would you like to go down to Frank's Diner for lunch with me?" The centipede doesn't come out or respond in any way. He asks again "Would you like to go down to Frank's Diner for lunch?" Again, no response. He decides to try one more time, thinking the centipede didn't hear him, so he asks in a louder voice "WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO DOWN TO FRANK'S DINER?" And from inside the house comes a squeaky little voice "You don't have to shout, I heard you the first time. I'm just putting on my shoes."

You neek up on it.

:-)

and one says to the other "Damn! It's hot in here!" and the other one says "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

he stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

walks up, introduces himeself as a supporter and asks him to do him the favor of acknowledging him as he walks by with a client he's about to meet and is eager to impress. Bush agrees, and when the businessman returns to the library with his client in tow he waves and amiably calls out, "Hello Joe!" to which Joe scornfully replies: "Fuck off Bush, can't you see I'm with a client?!"