my mom is driving me crazy!!!

Okay, at what age can I tell her that she doesn't have to know absolutely everything about my life? I'm 32... haven't lived at home since I went off to college at 18 (except for summers). I'm not financially tied to them, but I love my parents a lot. But my mom... sheesh, she feels that every little detail of my life is hers for the taking, and it's really starting to put me out. There's some stuff going on in my life that I don't want to tell her about, and she's grilling me for details: where were you today? Why was Scott home early? Have you made a doctor appointment for yourself? There are certain details that I don't want to tell her, and I feel that, as an adult, I shouldn't have to. But tell her that? No way, she's too effin' matriarchal for that. Why do I still feel like a child, though? Why do I let it bother me? Why do I give myself ulcers trying to figure out what to tell her? AURGH!!! I swear, I will never do this to my kids. Once they get old enough to deserve privacy, I promise to respect that. I wish they could do the same for me.

Anyone have any advice?

call her early, before she calls you and feed her a load of stuff so she feels let in then read the Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Helped me a bunch. When my boys were born my mother started showing up at my door at 7:30AM to take care of the babies while I did laundry etc. She became wedged into my life and it was hard. She is long dead now, 7 years ago, my kids are almost out of the house and I have to say as sad as it is, my life has been much more relaxed. Try the book, it really addresses these issues and helps defuse it.

I'll look it up. Ever since my kids were born, my Mom's taken far more interest in my business. I understand her concern, but it's starting to make me feel like I'm a bad mom. I can keep my personal problems separate from my parenting.

The reason I don't want to tell her too much doesn't only have to do with this situation, but with situations in the future. If I constantly tell her stuff, and then, out of the blue, don't tell her something, she'll really wonder. I just want her to know now that if I'm being evasive, STOP GRILLING ME! There's a reason that I'm not telling her the truth, and no amount of raking is going to get things out of me. I'm a good liar. funny thing is, she KNOWS I'm lying to her, yet she's still pushing. Nah, maybe it isn't so funny.

she is you mom. This book is fabulous, there are several others by her that are helpful but this one shows you how to establish the bounderies and also tells you what will happen and she is pretty much on the money. It really is helpful, I hope you can find it.

Tell her it is none of her business. Politely of course. You're 32, time is way past cutting the strings. Trust me, she will get over it.

just wants to be a part of your life I am sure glad my daughters feel like they can talk to me about anything.....or not

give her a break, Talk to her, explain how you feel


moms are PEOPLE too

Queen of guilt trips. Even my Dad cowers when she starts having one. He doesn't ever stand up to her. ah, to have that much control over a man.... Actually, i wouldn't want to. I never want to make people feel the way she does.

My mother who died 14 years ago was a holy pain in my wife's ass, because no one could take care of her little baby like momma could. She was rather nosy and my sweet wife handled it well, but I tried a little reverse action. I dumped everything on my mom. My parents lived about 25 miles from us. Anything that happened in our lives my mom found out about it right away. I became a pain in her ass (lovingly). I gave her more information about us than she would ever want. It worked to a big degree. Her intentions were good and I miss her dearly. I have no idea if this would work in your case but I offer it as a suggestion. Regardless, always love your momma, and hug her every chance you get.

Probably helpful to remember she is, as you say, really matriarchal... my wife calls this kind of person a "professional parent", in that a lot of the time when the nest is empty, they're a little at a loss for what to do.

Soooo, anything you're talking about (even obliquely) becomes something she siezes upon as a discussion topic -- because discussion is all she has, since you're not living at home. Maybe she's a little baffled by the things you do, so she's trying desperately to learn about them, to have something to talk about with you, so she can maybe offer some advice. That way, she's still in her comfort area, being a parent.

Or maybe not. :)

don'cha think she'd give up once she realized that I didn't want to talk about something? No, she's not just a "professional parent" (like the term, btw). She's a guiltmonger. She's the reason that psychologists keep busy.

She'll be gone all too soon, and you'll miss her meddling.

TlalocW

get nosy about her business. do it until she finds it irritating. then maybe she'll understand why the same thing bothers you.

So I don't think that tactic would work.

:hi:
[]
How was your trip? I haven'tleft on mine yet. Will be by Friday though.

and reinforce this by removing yourself from the behavior as soon as it starts. Don't explain why (you've already done so) and continue to remove yourself each time until you see a positive change - this will be minor at first.. Do not allow other family members to interfere.

As soon as you see a positive change - reinforce this behavior by doing something nice for her/with her. Tell her you appreciate the difference and continue reinforcing better behavior until you are comfortable with the situation. Compromise - after all you're not perfect either! And above all - be kind..

Good advice. We'll see, I'm still trying to figure this one out.

When she asks what you did last night answer with, "Huffing gas in a gay fetish bar" she'll never ask again.

Oh, that's the rub isn't it! When is that?

I don't normally reccomend this, but perhaps if you gave her a cat or two she would be a bit busier.

And my daughter told me if I didn't stop butting into her life she wasn't going to come around any more. (We're a very verbal family) She's 20. We had a little tiff and I try not to ask questions. Now, tell me what I'm supposed to say when she asks me for advise? If I say something she doesn't want to hear, I'm butting in. If I tell her what she wants to hear, I feel like I'm being a bad mom. Aaagh!

Point being, just tell your mom.

There's a big difference between solicited advice and unsolicited. KCDem's mom's meddling is nearly always unsolicited.

I think, if your daughter asks for your advice, give her your honest opinion. If she doesn't like it, remind her she asked you. Combine that with rigorous non-interference when not requested, and she should respect your opinion when solicited.

Tell her that you have got the minor health matters covered and reinforce the facts regarding your husband's job and that he is on a salary status. I assume that he is on a salary, so he has the perfect right to be home early once in a while because he has worked late some other night(s). Reinforce the idea that hubby has worked late some nights and is putting lots of work into his job!

Just be assertive, and maybe kind of keep talking about what the kids are up to, what you did over the weekend, etc. so that she can't get in too too many of the wrong kind of questions. Let her know that she isn't forgotten by sending letters and (better, because they're shorter!) postcards.

When she starts to badger you about little bitty details, tell her that there are certain minor things that basically aren't her business, and if she would like to have a nice relationship with the family, she should just focus on the 'big picture.' Then, reinforce that the 'big picture' will be coming to her as news via postcards, photos, and the like.

SO glad that an ocean separated my Mom and me!

Unless you find a way to really discuss it and work out an agreement, I think the only alternative is to not live nearby....and don't answer the phone all the time!

I can really empathize - my Mom was very 'needy' and put the guilt load on me before I moved away....

DemEx

and therein lies part of the problem. She hates being so far from the grandkids.

And I've been screening all day. She's called at least once. :evilgrin: Not sure when/if I'll call back... she and dad are going out-of-town tomorrow.

I thought you were close neighbors....

Sit her down, or write a letter asking that you NEED her to give you more space to learn how to parent on your own. (I don't know how old your kids are)

I did learn how to stand up for myself and my privacy with my Mom, even knowing how much it hurt her feelings.......
It eventually allowed a much more honest and loving relationship to take the place of the Mom-daughter one that existed before. She painfully learned to cool it with the neediness and the meddling.

Best of luck. I hope you reach a good understanding with your Mom. It's worth the difficult effort of confrontation, because not doing it does what you said...it drives you crazy! As long as you tell her at the same time that you love her.....if you DO, that is....

Now, it's an art to remind myself of these things when my own children have their families......:D

:hi:
DemEx

"It's worth the difficult effort of confrontation, because not doing it does what you said...it drives you crazy!"

Yes, it does. I just need to think of something to say!

Thanks for your help!

I saw a comic on tv, I think her name is Judy Gold. Anyway, part of her routine was talking about how much her mother exasperates her. So she said that, if you want to really freak your mother out: take her with you somewhere, and on the way, swing by the local strip club. Ask her to wait in the car while you run in and pick up your paycheck! That cracked me up!

Do you think some gentle (or not so gentle) humor might help get your point across? Good luck.

At least, when the joke's on her (or she perceives it to be... she's very sensitive) so no, that wouldn't work.

Great idea of something fun to do with a friend, though!

would silence her for, maybe 15 minutes.

to your rant. I am so bad at confronting my parents or my in-laws. I'm 45, you would think I could just say it. I eventually did confront all and I think you need to. Not in a huge confrontation, but just in a way that all know you have made a decision to handle these personal decisions on your own.

I told my in-laws to stop before I told my parents. It was easier. When I finally said something like these are my own kids, I'm a good parent, I know I make mistakes, but it doesn't help when you criticize me. Sometimes parenting is all about just having confidence and doing the best that you can. My parents backed off. They literally never offer any thing other than positive comments. They offer advice, but not blame. We built a better relationship. Now my inlaws took many more years to learn the lesson but I don't feel like that rant.

In terms of relationship stuff, I just tell them that I don't want them involved. I initially said something like all relationships have ups and downs and I don't think it's appropriate to involve the extended family and have the family take sides. It will only make my relationship worse. That comment actually worked and made both sides back off.

"I just tell them that I don't want them involved. I initially said something like all relationships have ups and downs and I don't think it's appropriate to involve the extended family and have the family take sides. It will only make my relationship worse."

Hm, have to remember that one for the big phone call!

Thanks! I agree with everyone who says that I just need to do it... it's just the process itself that scares me. I'm sure that, once it happens, I'll be happier.

I have a good relationship with my Mom now. I'm single
and have a cat, am 38 (she's 39 for the 19th time.)

Here's how I (we) did it.

When I don't want to talk about something, I say
"talk to the hand," or "that's too much information."
She does the same. That's the end of it, because she
knows I'll leave and not come back for six months.

It's about respect. Nobody can abuse you unless
you let them. On the guilt trips--that's emotional
abuse, and you should tell her to stop it right now
this instant.

You set the terms of your interaction. You can be nice
about it, but you have to stand up for yourself. Period.

Trust me. You set the terms, and if she loves you as
much as you say she does, she'll behave.

I'm 28, and my mom certainly does NOT know everything about my life. Then again, I come from a fairly standoffish family situation, and a nosy mom would drive me nuts. I think you just need to tell her that you shouldn't have to tell her everything that's going on. Maybe you ought to also ask her why she feels she has to know everything about your personal business.

The first thing you need to do, though, is cash in your guilt trip frequent flyer miles. I did that a couple of years ago, and it feels *wonderful*! My parents and I are less close now, but on the other hand, we're not always having knock-down drag-out screaming matches because they're succeeding at making me feel bad about myself, which makes me defensive and snippy, which... You get the idea. Distance in relationships is NOT always a bad thing!

:mad:

Just kidding. Yeah, I know I'm way past that age. My sis is 2 years older than me... and she can't stand up to Mom, either. She's the queen of guilt. If you say anything disrespectful to her, you get back "You can't talk that way to me, I'm your mother". Maybe I should just tell her right back "well, if you keep treating me that way, either I'll talk this way to you or I won't talk to you at all."

:scared: , I won't really say that. But yes, you make some good points.

Maybe I should just tell her right back "well, if you keep treating me that way, either I'll talk this way to you or I won't talk to you at all."

That'd go over like a fart at a funeral.

Move 1800 miles away. :-)

Good luck!