Yikes! What the hell do I say to my sister? (serious question about sex)

She's 54, 6 years younger than me. Called this evening with some news,
after being married for 30 years and 2 now grown kids, her husband has left home, begun cross-dressing and has moved in with a drag queen in St. Louis. Not much more information at this point, she's in a major tizzy. I guess I've heard about stuff like this but it always seemed if not fictional, at least something that would never happen in "my family" if you know what I mean...

I have no idea how to advise her or, truthfully, how to explain it.
:eyes:

(I am not making this up. I started to put this in GD but it isn't political)

Seriously, any suggestions will be appreciated. Thanks guys...

?

Just poking around for some way to be supportive, that's all.
Thanks for your insight.

For some reason I thought Your sister was the living with
a drag queen...I totally am sorry .....

After reading it again .
I'd say be an ear for her , and when
she is ready offer to babysit so she can go
out :hi:

a shrink to genuinely assist her with this shocking transition in her life.

More than anything help her protect herself legally though... don't let her do anything foolish. She should consult a tax attorney before the divorce attorney, for certain, so that she's adequately protected as her husband gets further away.

if he ran off with another woman.

That sucks.

You're better off without him.

You never know about people.

Whatever it takes to get her thru it.

She's gonna need somebody with experience in this type of thing to help her and her family out. Then just be your regular supportive self. There's really nothing else you can do.

It's just the same as if he'd left her for another woman. Tell her how sorry you are. Hold her hand. Comfort her. Tell her he's scum. Encourage her to seek a professional adviser and, if needed, a lawyer.

Some small minority of people simply aren't comfortable in their skin.

They were born with male features, but "feel" female. It has something to do with the mixture of hormones available in utero. That's "transgendered".

Alternatively, some people like the look of themselves in female clothes and/or the feel of female clothes. That's "transvestite".

Some older men just get tired of pretending and want to live their lives in peace. Blame a prudish, unfeeling and restrictive society (that is currently changing - thank God).

She needs to be told:

• It's not her fault
  
• there's nothing she could have done differently
  
• there's nothing she can do to change him
  
• he may come back on his terms, but those terms may be pretty wierd
  
• don't let him play victim
  
• get a lawyer and get control of bank accounts etc.
  
• he is very vulnerable right now and may be exploited by others - or not
  

I'm no prude and this man has every right to do what he needs to do to make himself happy. However, she didn't sign on for this and needs to protect herself financially. I'm a cold-hearted realist about these things. Yes, she needs couseling to deal with it, but she also needs to watch her back.

and tell her she's still young and beautiful. This is not her fault and she's not a bad judge of character. People are very, very good at keeping secrets, especially the deep, dark kind and there was no way she could have known.
Remind her that she once loved this man and not to let what's happened destroy every memory she has.
She needs support and reassurance and the knowledge that she can go on - after she grieves.....

Familiarize yourself and your sister with the 5 Stages of Grief:

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Good luck.....I know it's a shock but your love and support is all she needs from you right now.

other than that you support her, and you LISTEN to her pain about it, and acknowledge it, but don't try to "fix" it or "make it better". Support her. Support her former husband. Meet her as a soul meeting another soul.

My best wishes to you, and to her - it can be painful to have a spouse finally admit to one's sexuality.

Let her have her tizzy, and make sure you acknowledge every feeling she has, without judgment, and without trying to ease her pain by "make a smiley face" kind of non-supporting platitudes.

It's tough, but you can't "fix" it for her, you can only be with her, and support her.

I'll watch this thread and appreciate any input that shows up after this post. I value the opinions of DUers a lot more than what I'd get from my small circle of local acquaintances.
;-)

I am absolutely sure you don't mean to be insensitive. However calling what this woman is feeling a tizzy is rather dismissive.

and re-read my post. Eek.

Thanks for caling me out on that one.

I was trying to say "let her have the gamut of emtions that she will feel", but instead abbreviated it as the insensitive "tizzy".

offer an ear for her to speak to and a shoulder to cry on. Tell her it isn't her fault.

that she was somehow to 'blame'. That is the thing I need to address.
Thank you.

Have the edcuation and experience to offer an informed opinion. I know i don't.

And I'm on a dialup connection so now I'm going to log off and call her back. I appreciate all the responses. Thanks guys...

At that age and in a similar situation, I would have stayed with the woman and keep my homosexuality hidden. At 54, it's too close to retirement age and after being with someone for 30 years there WOULD be an emotional tie too strong to break - though as far as people are concerned, I'm abnormal.

In the end, it's the personality that counts - or so people tell me, but then why do people end up being straight or gay? Because something that is more than personality has influence. That's why I never opted to find a woman. If she knew, it would hurt her feelings too.

I can't relate to this guy who decided to move out and all that. Obviously he didn't care about her yet cared enough about the kids to stick in for that long. (though I'd wonder if he had cheated on her during all that time...) I think he was wrong in what he had done, and I'm gay! All I can do is apologize to her and sympathise; he should have stayed with her or never had been with her in the first place. What he did was as selfish as suicide.

If I were her, I'd get tested for HIV, HPV, Hepatitis A, B, C, and the lot. Take no chances. To just break up like that says a lot about how much he cared about the marriage and my instinct tells me he's probably cheated on her, possibly even before this new "relationship" he's moved in with came into the scene. Sorry if this advice and opinion offends anybody, but life can be a pain at times.

and I, for one, appreciate the perspective and agree 100% with the advice to get tested.

Leaving all of a sudden and moving in with someone doesn't just happen on a whim. He knew this person he moved in with and already had a relationship with him. No different than a guy that leaves his wife and moves in with some young pretty girl "all of a sudden". There is no "all of a sudden". They've been having an affair for a very long time now.

It should be comforting that the husband let his masculine side dominate during the formative years of their children's lives, but now that they've grown up and left the nest, his feminine side has expressed itself. He paid his dues as was expected by society, but now the time has arrived that his personality has asserted itself in a manner that most cannot accept or understand. A conversation between the two people most directly involved seems imperative. Information may be gained that was not disclosed before. Condemnation will do no good. An attempt at understanding might.

I'd advise against the whole call him scum thing. Listen to her, but don't try to lead her to find comfort in anger, hating can be unhealthy. Try to get in contact with her husband. See if you can get him to explain his actions to her in a way that doesn't make her too angry. He's probably been waiting to do this for a while. One of my friend's dad is a minister who left his wife about a year ago, shortly after his youngest son graduated from college and a couple years after the death of his own parents. I think it may be a kind of empty nest thing. The family you started has panned out, the kids are gone, and you don't really feel like continuing. It's sad, but what can you do about it? My condolences to your sister and I hope she is able to put her life back in order from the disruption.

...I would not make her feel bad about all those years of marriage, so I would fib and say that men's hormones change when they get older and "sometimes" "stuff happens." "I'm sure he was very happy with you when you were younger, but now he has changed, and it is absolutely not your fault or anything you did wrong." That would be the attitude I would try to put forward.

Since I'm on the practical side, I would also make sure she has an attorney looking out for her interests. She is too old to start over with nothing.


sometimes just being quiet and letting her cry is a help

they'll have to learn and deal with the situation also, and could use some good 'uncles' advice and compassion.
I believe you can deliver, and have some good advice from the above posts.

good luck friend, we all need it in this world.

dp

She probably doesn't have anybody in her life who's ever even heard of such a thing happening to someone they know, much less anyone able to offer insight or understanding. The truth is it's not as if her husband left her for another woman. He didn't. That she would at least understand but this must be a total shock on top of the "normal" feelings of betrayal and loss. Anyway, I hope she gets some good help. Maybe you could find somebody and make an appointment.

taken him quite a while to find out and come to terms with it?????????????????

Wasn't married for 30 years, but my last wife threw me out in the street and moved a girl 1/2 her age in to replace me.

Your sister is in Hell right now. What she needs is somebody to cry to/vent to, just be there. it's gonna be rough.

You can't fight it. When your spouse runs off with somebody who's plumbed like you, you can go through all the feelings of inadequacy and stuff,and shake it off. But when they dump you for a same-sex "new thing" what can you do? You can't rationalize it. You get the feelings of not being "all that", and it really hits you where you live.

Me. I climbed inside a bottle for about a year and a half. Had therapy, which didn't work until I went through about 3 therapist (the first 2 wanted to "address my anger")the third guy just let me come unglued then helped me to pick myself back up.

Don't be alarmed if your sister jumps the bones of the first male who looks her way,. After getting the ultimate rejection from her husband, she needs a validation, no matter how "inappropiate" of her own sexuality. let her have a fling, don't judge.

She will heal, but it's gonna take some time. Please don't be alarmed or judge her if she goes through a "homophobic phase",where she's really "down" on Gays. It's a coping mechanism to deal with her anger. and believe me, even if you don't see it right now, she's gonna get angry, very angry...

Just be there for her!

She has every right in the world to be angry if that is in fact how she feels. Just listen Karl and love her. Allow her to handle it however she wants to. She is under no obligation to be an understanding martyr.

Is counsel her in a rational way. Obviously this guy was living a lie. He had to have a victim or victims. It's really sad, and give her my condolences.

I lived a lie for decades, trying to delude myself that I was straight.

and that she is right to hate the bastard. If anything it will show her that you are on her side.

Sadly you should advise her to get tested for all sorts of diseases now that it's obvious her ex was cheating on her. If she has anything sue the bastard.

But you shouldn't be too hard on him. I am NOT defending him, but counselors are taught that that hurt your sister is feeling is loss AND the rejection of her love to him. So, you can go aways to causing her to feel she needs to defend him. She is going to be vulnerable for awhile and mainly just needs you to be there for her. Reserve your judgement, it won't serve much good to be hard on him. Just let her know its not her fault and she is the same great person she has always been.

Best thoughts with you.