Upset Lost Fans. Feel Free to hack and shred *MY* writing

Here you go. To prove I am more than willing to take criticism. I offer my writing in public for only the second time in my life and first in ten years. Feel free to flame away (or, of course, offer advice, if you are so inclined).

I will not respond, unless asked a question. But I promise to read them all!

Best

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=216x811

So, what am I? chopped liver?

:bounce:

I loooove you (and you are the *first* person I've put on my buddy list)!

But, sweetheart, if you ain't figured it out by now, I'm *ALL* about proving a point, regardless of the issue.

call it a character defect.

I'm an aspiring poet myself, although not a good one so I really don't have any suggestions on how to make your poems better.

Do you write all the time or do you find that the creative spirit comes and goes? For me it comes and goes. I don't think I've written any poetry for about 8 months.

Honestly, they read to me like you're a little too proud of them--and based on what you said about yourself in the other thread, it sounds like I may be right.

I'm not interested in tearing you apart, but you did ask for our honest opinion--they remind me of the stuff the self-deluded poetry-crazed kids wrote in high-school english class.

Sorry, I needed to respond

I appreciate you reading them. Honestly. I do value criticism, whether positive or negative. Once I state that, its not necessary to then pull punches with the statement, "you asked."

Although it is kind and considerate.

I don't understand the "little too proud" comment. I assume its in relation to one of three things, none of which I should be ashamed off:

-my writing ability (note, I said in the thread, that I don't do poetry very often. It was for a class. And they were first drafts. Poetry is by far my weakest genre. I will gladly take, "all-right" in that case.
My short stories and non-fiction are much stronger. and results back that up. It is simply much easier to post poems. I figured it would be hard enough to get pissed off lost fans to read my poems, I can't imagine them sludging through essays or poems. I would be happy to send some if you truly want.

-my criticism. I have stated in the thread why I do it and what it brings me.

-my education? This isn't really your fault but I am just *now* getting to the point where I can talk about my education with pride

You would be startled if I told you all the things wrong with me from a mental/physical basis. I do not martyr myself, only to point out the following. After so many years of anguish and struggle, the greatest compliment that you paid me in this post was that I am a

"little too proud." Yes, for once in my life I *am*. And I THANK YOU with all my heart for saying that. You have no idea what that means. Honestly.

You have made my day!

EDIT: (to ad) I don't understand how I can be "proud" making my poems available to people that, most likely, would take shots at them. Also, considering that, as mentioned when I posted them, its the first time I have made them available to any public criticism for ten years. Only the second ever.
How "proud" of them can I be?

The first poem, "The Bubblegum Kiss" is sloppy and contrived. Though I do applaud you for following an unconventional rhyme scheme (AABA) every one of your rhymes seemed forced and artificial.

"...with a pearly sheen.
...not a single scene.
...really hot in green"
(You missed the period at then end of green, by the way.)

The form also contributed to the absolute lack of flow in every stanza. Like you were more worried about matching up words that rhyme than writing a poem. Poetry, especially modern poetry, is not about following a pattern as much as telling a story or expressing an emotion. This read to me like it was thrown together, maybe for a poetry class assignment.

"Ebb Tide" was much better. It possesses everything that "Bubblegum Kiss" lacks and seems like more thought and effort were put into it. The only thing I can say is that the punctuation makes it seem a bit crowded at times. Don't treat your poetry as prose, you don't have to follow the same rules of grammar as a story, so use your punctuation as a writing element and not as a guideline. Also, as a personal preference, you seem like you stick to the form too rigidly. Although it didn't hurt this poem, so much more could have been expressed if you broke from it and found the most effective way to convey your message. Like I said though, that's just a personal preference.

Everyone seems to prefer poem 2, while I always thought 1 the stronger.
It does need revision, though. The flow is bad, as I mentioned.
And I really would like to cut about 3 (4) stanzas out of it.

Poem 2 was an attemp to use descriptive phrase more than the other things you mentioned. Kind of an experiment for me. It was the first poem I ever wrote, as economy of words is not my speciality (like you couldn't figure that out from certain threads!)

I do appreciate your honesty, though.
And I will take to heart your suggestions, especially with regard to punctuation, which I have gotten very sloppy with (read said posts).

But short stories are my preference and I'm not really a fan poetry of (as a writer, I do admire the form) so I'm not really sure how often I will put it to use.

Regardless, thank you for your time and thoughts, and I do wish you the best!

And by they by, have you ever heard of/been to a poetry slam? It might change your perspective on the form if poetry were presented to you in the right way, under the right circumstances. Just a thought.