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Absurdity: things you just cannot believe you have said to your children.

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Bertha Venation Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 04:21 PM
Original message
Absurdity: things you just cannot believe you have said to your children.
My sisters have lists. Among my favorites are kitchen table admonitions:

don't explode your donut

get the broccoli off your arm

don't slap your burrito

no quoting (movies)



What have you said to your kids that made you stop and wonder, "I didn't just say that, did I?"
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LynzM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 04:22 PM
Response to Original message
1. Oh, geez, hysterical stuff
Kids make you say crazy stuff...

Usually "that's not for eating!"

But among the better ones, "would you stop licking your foot!"
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sui generis Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 04:23 PM
Response to Original message
2. Tinkerbell you put that turd down RIGHT NOW!!!
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Dookus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 04:42 PM
Response to Original message
3. not to a child
but at a poker table, I once had to say to the dealer "Excuse me, could you aks that gentleman to stop licking the chips?"
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 04:43 PM
Response to Reply #3
5. ewwwwwwwwww
I've never been gambling before, but I think if I ever do, I'm going to bring some of those disinfecting wipes...
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Mass_Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 05:27 PM
Response to Reply #3
14. hahahah
I hope he got thrown out.... ew.... where was this?
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Dookus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 06:23 PM
Response to Reply #14
20. At a card club here in California
a player was licking the chips and sticking them to his forehead. He thought it was funny.
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 04:42 PM
Response to Original message
4. No, you've never been a girl....At least, not in this life.
Naturally, this conversation took place in a crowded grocery store.
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Southpaw Bookworm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 04:44 PM
Response to Original message
6. Overhead in Virginia Beach
For the last time Megan, I am not a space alien!

(actually said by a girl of about 7 to her little sister)
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DrZeeLit Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 06:56 PM
Response to Reply #6
23. "We'll just tell your Dad we already went to Mass..."
That's when my son and I started ditching Church together.
Oi, so bad. I had my kid lying with me about Church....

And no... I'm not married to his Dad any more. And yes, the kid (now 30, a DUer and a great guy) and I are both atheists. Dad... still attending Mass regularly... (but he votes Dem).
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 04:44 PM
Response to Original message
7. No, honey, Barney doesn't drink.
:crazy:
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CO Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 04:45 PM
Response to Original message
8. "Don't Slap Your Burrito", or You'll Go Blind
:-)
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Solly Mack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 04:45 PM
Response to Original message
9. "Get the cat's head out of your mouth"
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Commie Pinko Dirtbag Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 04:58 PM
Response to Original message
10. "Get your foot off your dish"
"Stop licking your flip-flop's soles"

And many many others in the same vein. I tells ya, this girl must have the strongest antibodies EVAH.
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loudestchick Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 05:05 PM
Response to Original message
11. "No, those socks aren't "too" dirty. " I'm a horrible parent.
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 05:11 PM
Response to Reply #11
12. even though we don't like the president,
we still have to respect the office. :eyes:

and We have to stop at the red light or cars will smash into us.
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Pithlet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 05:22 PM
Response to Original message
13. "Oh My God! The Mircrowave's on Fire!"
That one was recent. My son had put my box of hot cocoa mix in and let it rip. The foil lined packs exploded in a firey electric blue conflagration.
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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 05:31 PM
Response to Original message
15. Because i'm the Dad, that's why!
What a lame one.
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Lone_Star_Dem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 05:32 PM
Response to Original message
16. Spit that grasshopper out


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MonkeyFunk Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 05:33 PM
Response to Original message
17. "Zachary! Stop hitting your brother with the dog!"
Overheard while on the phone with my sister in law.
And yes, it was an actual dog, not a stuffed one.
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yardwork Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 05:34 PM
Response to Original message
18. Have you been eating sand again?
Said while changing his diapers, where the evidence was obvious.
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loudestchick Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 06:06 PM
Response to Reply #18
19. I had sand eaters, too!!!!
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LanternWaste Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 06:26 PM
Response to Original message
21. "I'll give you two dollars if you can get it into your nose all the way to
"I'll give you two dollars if you can get it into your nose all the way to your elbow..."

He almost wasn't my godson after that evening of babysitting
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CornField Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 06:40 PM
Response to Original message
22. No, I cannot buy you a penis
To my 4-year-old daughter... she was very disappointed.

"The Goddess will not be mad if you pee on the grass!"

"Please refrain from buttering your brother." (Got pictures of that one somewhere)

"Little Debbies are not make-up!"



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AlienGirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 08:04 PM
Response to Original message
24. "Stop eating your chili with a Lego and use a spoon instead!"
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peacefreak Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 08:33 PM
Response to Original message
25. After she hit me up for $20 for the third time
without repayment...."you are bleeding the life blood right out of me".
A co-worker overheard it & has made it into part of the lexicon.
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Bouncy Ball Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 08:34 PM
Response to Original message
26. Just tonight I had to say
"No I'm not washing my BALLS, I said I'm washing my BOWLS."

I also said "Oooo, Angry Fourth Graders, we're not gonna take it anymore, eh?"
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Bouncy Ball Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 08:35 PM
Response to Original message
27. Another one from today
"No, honey, I don't think I'm in perimenopause."

(They get more interesting as they get older...)
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Bouncy Ball Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 08:36 PM
Response to Reply #27
28. Another
(not from today)

"Unless you are bleeding, choking, vomiting or otherwise dying, don't interrupt this phone call."
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yardwork Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:18 AM
Response to Reply #28
37. I say that a lot. "Unless it is a 911 emergency, do not interrupt ...."
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ok_cpu Donating Member (826 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 08:39 PM
Response to Original message
29. My three year-old son
Wet his pants one time while playing in the yard because he didn't want to come in to use the bathroom. I told him, half jokingly, next time to just go in the yard on the tree.

Next day I got a call at work from my wife informing me he was squatting in the yard doing "number 2"...

Gotta be careful what you say.
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Bertha Venation Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 09:29 PM
Response to Original message
30. OMFG
ROFLMAO tears are rolling down my cheeks

"stop hitting your brother with the dog"

"don't butter your brother"

:wtf:

LOLOL

Thank you all so much! More, more, more!
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politicat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:09 PM
Response to Original message
31. "Don't pee down Daddy's neck - ASK to get down and go!"
Not my kid, my nephew. He's just about totally potty trained, but like most boys between 3 and 4, it's an urgent thing when the need arises.

D and his Dad were playing Evercrack (Everquest)... Okay. Daddy was playing and D was up on his dad's shoulders, watching Daddy smash orcs or whatever. D said, "Gotta go pee, Dad."

"Just a minute, son."

D's a smart kid - he pulled aside is pullups and let his Dad have it down the back of his neck.

Daddy does not do "just a minute, son," with D. anymore.

Pcat
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HeyManThatsCool Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:27 PM
Response to Reply #31
32. Sometimes I can't believe what rolls out of my mouth
I have 3 nephews that I'm very close too.
1 of them is a chronic bed wetter.
One night as I was putting them in bed after having had them here for a week (I was frustrated) I said 'Do NOT pee in that fucking bed tonight. Do you understand me? Whatever you do, no pee pee in the bed" And he nodded his head & I said do u understand me? And he said "Yep, I shouldnt pee in the fucking bed"
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politicat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:59 AM
Response to Reply #32
33. Plastic mattress covers.
But a little swearing never killed a child. I personally believe that the sting goes out of the words if they know they can use them occasionally. I'm far more creative in my insults because I was allowed to swear at home from early on. It became dull for me pretty quick.

Pcat
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JohnKleeb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:14 AM
Response to Original message
34. I would share one my dad said to me but it may offend
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chefgirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:15 AM
Response to Original message
35. I'm sure I have many
The one that comes to mind is the most recent:

"Will you just stop blabbering and eat your homework?" :silly:

-chef-
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Aristus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:15 AM
Response to Original message
36. "Why do you want me to pat your back while you poop?"
This, to my grandson. :eyes:
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OldLeftieLawyer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:19 AM
Response to Original message
38. "You're too big to fit in the freezer any more"
It's a long story.
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Bertha Venation Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:38 PM
Response to Original message
39. kick
We haven't exhausted this yet, have we?
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Carson Donating Member (560 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:15 PM
Response to Original message
40. "Don't pour milk in your ear." and my favorite....
"Don't drink your bathwater."

To which my son replied, "Why? There's enough."
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