Absolutely Hysterical!!!

Have you ever spoken and then wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh
Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...a true story... we had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

These are all funny as shit!

At first I thought you were the one saying them all!

...four with one more on the way....actually due anytime, I could identify with everyone of these stories. These are the real family values, the ones that bring a broad smile across our face.

The kid who pulled down his pants and yelled, "See, it's only farts" is destined for a great future career in public life if the Bush school voucher program/no child allowed to express his/her own mind doesn't get in the way. Please God, save the creative minds of our kids!!!

My coworkers already thought I might be crazy, but after my hysterical laughter they are now sure.

daughter approached. The woman asked "Excuse me, where are your nuts?".

but is there a difference between the golf balls used by women and those used by men?

Seriously.

If there is, what is the difference? (I also thought this was funny - and I had seen the text before).

:silly: :silly: :silly: :silly: :silly:

When she was 16 (in 1941) she worked at a drug store in our small Kansas town. A guy came and asked her for a pack of Trojans. Not knowing what the heck they were, she yelled to the back of the store, "I need a pack of Trojans!" She was exceedingly embarrassed when her coworkers told her what they were.

week. One week she said "There'll be no music on Sunday because the choir are having it off."

It was a quite wonderful moment.

Of course "having it off" doesn't have the same effect in North America as it does in the UK-- but it's still hilarious!

My first trip to the UK, I took one of those bus tours in London. Somehow we got to chatting with the guide, and she related some stories about how different words mean different things in the US and UK.

The guide told the story of one elderly American woman who was on one of her tours, who had to catch a train early the next morning. The woman was a bit of a worry-wart, and was concerned that she's oversleep and miss her train.

The tour guide said to her, "don't worry, I'll send the porter 'round at 7:00 to knock you up." The old woman went white as a sheet, and walked away.

Of course, our tour guide had no idea that "to knock up" is American slang for "to impregnate" :o.

Needless to say, the tour guide, redfaced, went back to the woman and apologized, explaining that she meant that the porter would knock on her door at 7:00-- NOT have sexual intercourse with her. :P

LOL!:hi: