My conservative work friend has sent me an email entitled

"Things to Do at Walmart." I like her, but she gets on my nerves, and I just realized she's higher on the totem pole than I am because we're about to move and she got a better office - which is enabling me to practice being the highly evolved, non-work-centered person I like to think I am.

She's really a very nice person and gets on my nerves with work behavior, not politics. She keeps those to herself. I wouldn't even know she's a Republican if I hadn't noticed a Bush sticker on her husband's vehicle. Her husband works with us, too, and it's quite unusual to be a Republican in my company. To my knowledge, there are four out of over a hundred people. Everyone was all, "Whose car is THAT?!" I'd never have guessed the guy's a Republican. Getting her to admit she's one, too, was like pulling teeth.

So here I am trying to get over my stuff and continue liking this woman, and she sends me this stupid email. Things to do at Walmart when your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time. Get boxes of condoms - do they even have condoms at Walmart? - and put them in other people's carts. I'm sorry, not funny. Furthermore, I don't have a spouse or a partner, and I believe I've shared my opinion of Walmart with this woman.

Why she would think I'd enjoy this type of humor is a complete mystery to me. This is the first non-work-related email I've ever received from her, and she's included me on this distribution with five others, four of whom I'm sure are much lower on the totem pole and two of whom are the other Republicans I'm aware of.

Is she trying to annoy me? Sometimes I think she is.

--and yeah, it's pretty lame. I have a couple of friends (both Republican) who e-mail that crap and it usually ranges from unamusing to annoying. Other pet peeve: I can't understand why anyone in her right mind would send a stupid idiotic chain letter via e-mail to 4 dozen people at their work addresses.

I just hit the delete button.

I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say. Pass-it-ons aren't common practice at my office, either, and those that do go around on are proper pinko Bush-bashing type stuff - not the kind of thing one would knowingly send to this woman. So maybe she has no frame of reference.

Give her a break.

I have no choice other than to demonstrate how petty I can be. :)

Not via email, because I have no friends, but online. I would think she was just trying to be friendly, and attached no particular significance to Wal*mart, just that it was a well-known name.

Personally, I think the idea of forwarding those stupid things is foolish, but I don't think she meant anything evil.

I've even done some of the things on it.

So sue me, I love practical jokes

Is it like a PRO-Walmart e-mail? I can't imagine.

50 Fun things to do at Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies ?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ..... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Now send this to at least 7 people that you know; and.....they will laugh.

I didn't laugh - nope, not once - but then she only sent it to six people.

As a person who worked in retail (although not in Walmart) it seems like a list of ways to piss people off and make a mess.

This one:

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

Is just plain *gross*.

I could have done so much better - though not necessarily with Walmart. Slip small boxes of Tampax and mini-pads in men's shopping carts when they're not looking. That'd be funny in any store.

crap e-mails. Must be because they have no original thoughts of their own..

My dem friends mostly send me political stuff, or a single really good joke.

sending emails that advocate sabotaging a store that is the bread and butter of the Republican party. I hope they actually do some of them. I can't be bothered to set foot in a Wal-Mart; otherwise I might be tempted.

Things to do at Wal-Mart. Pass out pro-Labor Union literature to the Wal-Mart employees.

I'm tempted.