Buying commentary - What woud you pay? What would they say?

If you could buy any commentator or pundit and make them say anything on air, what would they say and what would it be worth to you?

For $500 I would have Oxycontin say "There was no link between 911 and Iraq. I have been lying to you daily. This is the worst president ever. Now get a brain morans!"

...Bill O'Lielly say, "I am a sexual deviate, a pervert, and I have been misleading you all for years with this holier than thou shtick!"

For $250, I'd like to hear "Rev." Jimmy Swaggert say he had sex several times with prostitutes.

(Oops...forget that one! Already happened! Heheheheh!)

never fully consumated".

I want to hear that lying sonofabitch bastard tell the truth!

go on national TV and say "I am a liar, I am a deserter, I am a war criminal, and I am a bungling stupid idiot when it comes to running this country, or anything, really, for that matter. I am both thoroughly incompetent and thoroughly narcissistic. I hereby resign and offer myself to the authorities to stand trial at The Hague. It is the only honorable thing to do, and I want, just once in my life, to do something honorable so that my legacy is not utterly stained. Perhaps in my death I will find some form of grace and salvation from the lie that I have lived. While I am standing trial, I will also offer the truth of my family ties to Nazis, secret organizations, and a whole host of illegal and unethical shenanigans. It is time for the Bush dynasty of evil and corruption to end. Sorry dad, but I felt the Holy Spirit move me to do what is right for once in my life. All I ask is that the police and secret service guard me well, because you can be sure that my father, right now, is dialing his friends in an effort to ensure my death before trial."

to have him say, "I am an overpaid mike jockey, a blow hard. I only say what they tell me and it's all a lie. WAKE UP, they're screwing us - well, you guys, I'm rich - royally!!"

I would pay everything I had if I could get an unmistakable message to every adult in the United States:

MY MARRIAGE/MY FAMILY/MY HOME LIFE IS JUST LIKE YOURS.

STOP THINKING ABOUT SEX; THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

FOR THE HEALTH OF THIS NATION PLEASE SUPPORT EQUALITY IN MARRIAGE.