Is Your Mom Verbally Abusive?

Mine isn't but my recently broken up with ex-gf's is. She just played me a message her Mom left and it was so mean-spirited and awful and I feel like a piece of crap for "leaving" her because she really has nobody else. Any advice? Sorry to bring down The Lounge, but don't really know where else to post this query.

All I can say is that you need to do what YOU need. Maybe sounds selfish but you can't make another person happy.

Beyond that, if you can be a friend to your ex-GF, do. Sounds like she can use a :hug:

(My mom was, but she's gone)

I've had some experience with verbal abuse in my family, and it's a rough thing to go through. She'll need friends for support.

I mean... end the romantic relationship, but stick around in her life as a friend.

I honestly don't understand why more people don't do this.

but she still wants all or nothing. However when I've tried the nothing, she threatens to kill herself. It's a very difficult situation.

*sigh*

I can kind of understand where she's coming from. There was one person that I didn't think I could be friends with... it took a long time to get over those emotions... hard to be friends with someone when you're hurting.

I feel for you... that's a tough situation to be in. Good luck, and thanks for being so caring.

:hug:

it will be better for her if it is nothing. Give her some time alone, because if you stick around she will think "there is a chance..."


It sounds like she is trying to make sure you feel like you have to give her "all"

JMHO

Good luck

of her verbal abuse. My sister has nearly always lived with her - and continues to suffer the abuse (her husband and child and her stepson live there to - in a family home).

I'm the one that left home, went off and established a good life for herself.

Maybe you can be a friend, and get her involved in a few causes or support groups or in a church. She can build a support system there. But ... it has been my experience ... that when you have an abusive parent ... you either have to go establish your own life and minimize the contact .... or you wind up being in a hellish cycle that never ends.

Just my thoughts. I have NEVER regretted my decision. My sister and I are in touch every day, however. I cut off the 'Mom said this or did that" talk pretty much in a hurry.

thanks. I've been telling her for years to either get therapy or cut ties. Or both. I think after this latest message it has dawned on her that her Mom is basically crazy and she needs to cut ties. I'll share your story with her...thx again.

to abuse and won't let go easily. If your ex is not ready to cut ties and deal with the guilt that will be heaped on her, she can start by creating distance, setting boundries and limiting conversations. That's not easy either, but it's a start.

These people are horible to deal with and there are no easy answers (and yes, I'm speaking from experience). One point I would make about counseling is to be very careful and explain to the therapist that she wants to cut off from her mother, because she might get caught up with a therapist that tries to improve the relationship. And that will never happen.

Also, a word to you - it's admirable that you want to help out your ex, but if you don't see any progress from her regarding seperating from her mother, you need to move on from her life. She may use her victimization to hang on to you. It's not her fault so much as it is learned behavior, it's a hard cycle to break.

Good luck

Have a great weekend, Jack!

but my father can be on occasion, especially to my mother.

It's a very serious thing even if it's rare.

Acknowledge that you heard it and it's not normal for mothers to leave these messages. Give her a hug and tell her how great she is. You can be a friend even though the romatic relationship is over.

My mother was never abusive. My Dad sometimes was when I was a kid or when I was still financially supported by him. I'm thankful every day for my parents. My husband's parents were verbally abusive.

And they're usually when I'm living here and using a table that she had an old now defunct b&w tv sitting on. That woman has called me so many names, and flown off the handle sooo many times, I just leave the room now mumbling under my breath. Whatever. ONce I get a job, I won't have to worry about it anymore.
Duckie

That is difficult to live with. But, do not fall into the guilt of staying in a relationship, just be a support system.

I was not abusive to my children, I went the other direction, very permissive which didn't help them either. Those living in an abusive household need to find a middle ground, a center. This is a difficult thing to do. My adult children now tell me I did not discipline them enough, yet when I did do this when they were children, they said I was being mean. The guilt and the guilt. <y children knew how to turn the guilt from my parents.

as just tedious. I've always been a very curious person, reading about new things or ideas, watching educational stuff on the teevee, or (in the last 8 months or so) hanging out at DU (the best entertainment and education of all). Long as I can remember she's been just interested in her bodily functions, how everyone is conspiring against her and how she thinks she's better than anyone else. I could have a more meaningful conversation with a stranger in the check out line. Just chalk it up to a personality difference now and give her a big break 'cause she is 93, but it was harder to live with when I was young and under her so-called control.
She's big on control.
BTW Jack - did your GF show any of the traits evident in her mom's message. Maybe that's why you two weren't compatible.

but those who are abusive have control issues but those who are abused usually have control issues if they are not aware of this.

I enjoy living by myself, no one controls me but I'm too aware of controlling someone else so I turn the opposite and let people walk all over me so I don't have any confrontations. Then guess what? I am being controlled. Just a merry-go-round. Living by myself I don't need to deal with that crap and not play games.

Do I make sense?

I flip-flop. Hate looking for a job because that makes me feel vulnerable and that I have to be submissive to what they want. But 2 days in, when I feel more comfortable, I can be really "take charge" and then thought of as bossy.

Scarletlib....she doesn't post much, but she reads LBN and GD almost every day.

She's the opposite of abusive. She's always supported me even when I've been in big trouble.

:shrug:

The point is that she's a very liberal minded person. Usually the liberal minded people I know are never abusive. It tends to be the conservative ones that are abusive IMHO.

I haven't studied any of this, and I don't have any stats or links to back it up - it's just what I've always seen. That conservative parents are quicker to judge and harsher to punish. It just goes along with that mindset.

:)

She was a very violent woman until she became paralyzed in a car accident. Since she couldn't physically hurt me anymore and I wouldn't speak to her... she resorted to three and four messages a day threatening me or calling me names. Very wicked.

I've been in your ex's shoes and even though she doesn't have anyone right now... it's still better that your not together if the relationship wasn't working out. This to will pass, and she'll find her way. You can only ultimately be responsible for you anyway and you can't "fix this". So tell her that it sucks, point out that it's abuse and that's about all you can do.

My $.02

wish it was that easy. She said she felt "whole" with me and has nobody to turn to now. But when we were together we fought a lot so it wasn't like this idyllic thing she describes. Plus she's suicidal now so I'm not sure what to do.

who is finding "wholeness" in others, might be exactly what she needs right now. If her only alternative is to turn inward to herself.... and she figures out she can heal,that's the biggest gift she can receive. Ultimately that's what the pain she is feeling is trying to tell her. That she holds beliefs that are incorrect or that she has disowned parts of herself- probably for protection from this "mom" and her brain is trying to process it and get back to a feeling of wholeness. Does that make sense?

The suicidality is scary but it's not something you can own. I'm not trying to make light of the situation, believe me, I've been there. About the only thing you can do is encourage her to get counseling, to try to become whole within herself, and if it appears she's seriously going to go through with a threat call someone.

I guess my point is you can't hold someone in the light and make them o.k., but you can offer guidance back to their own light as they do the work themselves because they hold the key.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, this must be really hard on both of you.

She could go to Al-Anon for support.

If she's just a generic nutjob, she'll have to see a therapist.

My mom was verbally and physically abusive. She was a drunk so I found help in Al-Anon. I later went to therapy and found the courage to completely cut her off for a while until she learned she could not see me or my family until she started to treat me with respect. She's still pulling the same shit, but not with me and it's her problem, not mine.

You can be supportive of her and keep pushing her to get help. If she got some help, it might help your relationship, friendship or otherwise.

so does my ex. I wouldn't characterize it as staggering around drunk, but both like to unwind at day's end. She has never sought counseling to deal w/ her Mom because "she wouldn't even know where to start" which drives me crazy and ultimately is why I broke things off.

Just curious...does your Mom treat you w/ respect now?

Thx for your input.

JD

The only time she tried to mess with me since was when she was gorked on anesthesia at the hospital after her hip replacement last fall. Fortunately, I had the staff nurses there in a heartbeat to stop her...she was mainly endangering herself, not me.

Otherwise, she has been very charming and accepting of me since I put my foot down. It's been a great experience.

As for your ex, she could never have more baggage than me or some of the people I've met. She'd be surprised the fires many of us walk through to survive growing up.

until i pulled a knife on him one night, i was all of 13 and to this day i will never forget the look on his face when i told him i was going to cut him right down the middle. I'm not a violent person but after 7 years of taking his shit, beatings and all i snapped. I don't know what ever happened to him after my Mom finally left him.

I really fucking lucked out in the parental department.

that bastard is lucky i didn't kill him and so am i because he was so not worth going to jail for.

In a public restaurant and continued to dig into me anyway. The last time that she called me ended up with me crying and getting yelled at when I tried to defend myself. That happened a couple of years ago. Since then, I have called her a couple times and seen her once. My sister says that my mother is getting nicer and misses me (She is about as settled down life wise as she ever has been now.). Maybe, I want everything to be alright with her, but am afraid of getting hurt like was pretty much the whole time growing up and even as an adult.

My ex b/f's mother was very verbally abusive, and so was his sister. They gave him hell. So since he couldn't react to them, he abused me. We fought pretty much daily. He didn't want me hanging out with any men or lesbians or bi girls (because I had a girl on girl relationship prior to hooking up with him.) and if I *did* hang out with friends anyways, I would have to deal with him on the phone that night, crying, talking shit, and threatening suicide. I dealt with it for over a year, before I finally gave up my guilt feelings and said, hey. I can't do this anymore. I deserve better treatment. I can be your friend, but it's over.
It took breaking up with him a couple times (the guilt wouldn't stop.) but eventually, one night when he would not stop calling, my brother burst into my room, and pulled my phone out of the jack. And said "See? It's that friggin easy. Go to bed."
After that, I made the final break.
And he turned out fine. He joined the Navy, lost weight. Got a new girlfriend. He still contacts me sometimes through phone and email. Of course, whenever he calls he is drunk, and always seems to be hanging out with buddies. I don't know if he is trying to prove something, but hey. It makes me feel better to know I made the right choice.

Anyways. It's really hard to go through that situation, but honestly, many people who vocally threaten suicide are not actually going to go through with it. It is a cry for help. They want attention and affection that they aren't getting anywhere else, and when threatened to lose that, they resort to threats and nastiness. Sometimes you just need to do what is right for YOU. He wasn't the first that put me through that, though he will be the last. I just couldn't put myself through that again. It isn't worth the stress, the laying awake at night worrying, the nightmares, and the tears.

I have been through that type of situation many times, many bad relationships. And always I had my mama by my side saying, "Girl. You need to take care of YOU. You are responsible for you, and no one else, until you have kids."

So, good luck babe. Definitely try to be a friend, but in the end, make sure you are taking care of you.

Your ex-girlfriend needs to learn to love herself. My life has been filled with less than loving or supportive people, though I'd hate for anyone to be with me because they "feel sorry for me". I'd like to think I had enough merit just as who I am.