So I took a second job...as a bible salesman.

And I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on with the world today. Why can't I seem to sell any of these fucking Bibles? I'm offering the best goddamn Bible I've ever seen -- not some piece-of-shit Bible that'll fall apart before you're halfway through Matthew -- and still, everywhere I go, I get the door slammed in my face. What gives?

Yesterday, I was going door-to-door on Sycamore Drive. The first house I went to, this nice-looking old lady opened the door, and the first thing I noticed were these two big fucking crucifixes hanging on her living-room wall. I thought for sure I had a sale in the bag. I thought, if I can't sell a Bible to this woman, Jesus, who in all of God's fucking kingdom can I sell one to? I didn't waste any time moving in for the sale. I asked the woman how much she'd expect to pay for a handsome Bible with a 32-page full-color insert, a genuine, hand-fucking-crafted leather cover, and a reinforced spine that could take just about any beating she could dish out.

She didn't answer, so I went ahead and answered for her: A fucking hell of a lot more than $14.99, that's for sure!

You can't get workmanship like this from those sons of bitches at Christian Book World, I told her. Just look at the gilded edges on this cocksucker! Youi'd be damned lucky to have it! Take it into your own hands and examine the quality of this hardback volume made with 100 percent acid-free paper, I said. This Bible will last a fuckin' lifetime. You want a Good Book? This is a good fucking book! You'd have to be brain-dead not to get in on a deal like this. Hell, I said, I'll throw in a motherfucking "Parables & Miracles Of Christ" bookmark for absolutely free!

I poured my heart out on that doorstep, and do you think I earned one red cent? Nope. I tried not to show my disappointment, though, and acted real professional. When I left, I waved and said, "Thank you, ma'am, perhaps some other time."

Why does this happen day after day? I'm offering one seriously nice Bible for a goddamn song. Still, I've got three fucking crates of them sitting in the trunk of my car. Christ! It can't be me, 'cause I know I'm a good salesman. I worked for 14 years at Bob's Used Auto Parts, and I was the top man in sales six years running. Before that, I sold plumbing fixtures and made a goddamn fortune on commissions.

At this point, I have no choice but to contact the Bible Company and complain, because I'm doing everything their official Bible salesman's handbook says I should do. First, it says, Greet the customer in a friendly manner. I do that. I flash a big smile and say, "How the hell are you doing today?"

Number two, it says, Politely ask, "May have a moment of your time?" I've started reading the sentence right out of the handbook, just to prove I'm doing things to the letter. I say, "Ma'am, may I have a moment of your time?" If she says 'no', I leave. If she says 'yes', I say, "Thank you, I won't be long. I know you're probably extremely busy keeping up this big-ass house of yours."

Step three is to present the product. Well, fuck -- that's the easy part! This fucking Bible should sell itself! It has everything: It's got the New Fucking Testament, it's got the Old Fucking Testament. It's got a full index and supplemental material in the back. It even has all the shit Jesus said conveniently highlighted in red ink. I guess this proves people just aren't religious anymore. The Word of God must mean nothing to people nowadays. Christ Almighty, that's just fucking sad.

:-)

HAHAHAHAHA

then you'll be detained by the FBI, sent to prison, denied civil rights but, ..... hey at least it's "three hots and a cot"

at every corner in town are your problem :)

north of where we live is a "bible outlet store". i hadn't noticed it before and when we passed it i asked my wife what the hell is a "bible outlet store"?

she said maybe they sell "seconds".

i said "seconds? did they mess up on the 10 commandments or something? did they accidentally print a bunch of bibles that said "thou shalt kill" or "thou shalt have other gods before me"?

:D

Those sound like some nice-ass bibles.

They'll freaking love you for it.

In fact, I asked my dumb shit brother one time if he wanted a bible. Do you know what the cocksucker said? "Fuck no!"

I mean, what an ungrateful sack of shit! I call him and offer him a free goddam bible, and he has the balls to say "no" to me, like he's some hot shit or something!

I haven't seen that one in a long time. Best article ever.