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Any DUers have tips for living with the bf/gf?

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noshenanigans Donating Member (778 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:04 PM
Original message
Any DUers have tips for living with the bf/gf?
I'm moving (back) to California in 2 weeks and am very excited about it. Fortunately for me, I guess, I'm moving in with my boyfriend who owns a house in LA. So, I no longer have to pay rent, utilities.. anything, really. I've never lived with a boyfriend before, though.. before this guy, I was always a "love em' and leave 'em" type.

Can anyone help me not be so terrified of weird Married With Children-ish hijinks? Do you just get used to having the other person there so much?
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Radical Activist Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:06 PM
Response to Original message
1. I have a tip
Edited on Thu Feb-24-05 10:06 PM by Radical Activist
Don't do it. Unless you plan to marry the person and you KNOW they feel the same way.
I could tell horror stories, but I won't. Sorry to be a downer, but I think that is the best advice I have.
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cags Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:08 PM
Response to Original message
2. Do it, try it before you buy it
I'm a big believer in living together before marriage. You find out a lot about a person that you didn't know before you lived with them.
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MnFats Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:08 PM
Response to Original message
3. be patient.
never, ever, come into the bathroom and use the toilet while he's in the shower or taking a bath.
if he does that to you, it's a clear sign the relationship is over.

oh, and reserve some time to yourself...
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SarahB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:12 PM
Response to Reply #3
7. No even pee?
Pee's not a big deal, but the heavy duty stuff- yes, give space! I was told many times I "had a problem" because I wanted to take care of bathroom matters privately. Oh well, he's done now. He can poop all he wants with his next wife. :evilgrin:
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MnFats Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:15 PM
Response to Reply #7
8. well, i'd say no, but perhaps I'm just too uptight...
but i don't think so.
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Baclava Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:10 PM
Response to Original message
4. Never give up the last piece of pizza...
...that's how you assert dominance...
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MnFats Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:18 PM
Response to Reply #4
12. A guy i went to high school with did that..grabbed the last slice..
and his wife picked up a butcher knife and stabbed him. Didn't kill him, because he had such a huge gut she mainly stabbed mounds of fat. Still it led to a whole new phraseology in my home down:
"If you take the last beer I'm going to pull a (insert stabbed guy's name here) on you."
or:
"If you use my car again and don't put gas in it I'm going to (guy's name used as verb) you!"

just as an aside...
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Glenda Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 11:35 PM
Response to Reply #12
24. LOL! I don't know why, but this is making me laugh really hard!
B-)
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steve2470 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:10 PM
Response to Original message
5. I agree with radical activist. Most people who live together, just as with
Edited on Thu Feb-24-05 10:13 PM by steve2470
marriage, end up splitting up. Then, you have to move all your furniture and other belongings while having to look at your ex the whole time, unless they're nice enough to stay away while you move. Same problem as with marriage. We haven't found many good ways to be married yet without living together lol However, if you choose to go ahead, just make sure you don't get so financially dependent on him that it is very difficult to leave if you must.
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noshenanigans Donating Member (778 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:18 PM
Response to Reply #5
11. good advice..
It's kind of a weird situation, I guess.. I used to live in LA and had to go back to the South (where my parents live) after this horrible car accident where an SUV hit me. I'm getting a pretty massive settlement out of it and going through all the red tape of it now. So, it's good to have someone whom I know cares about me.

I guess I'm just afraid of screwing it up. I think I have a tendency to just screw men up. All just part of my charm, I guess. ;)
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steve2470 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:28 PM
Response to Reply #11
17. You know, maybe you should live with him. You will undoubtedly get
to know him very very well, perhaps too well. It will be a great learning experience and a trial run for marriage, if you ever choose to do that. The other posts here are good. Just expect to have conflicts with him and force the issues before they turn into major resentments that corrode the relationship.
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noshenanigans Donating Member (778 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:38 PM
Response to Reply #17
22. What's a "major issue"?
I ask this quite honestly.. I would marry this guy right now if he asked me, but I'm trying to think of something that would be a dealbreaker. We agree politically on just about everything, and if anything he's a little dorky for my taste. (Who knew the Homecoming Queen'd end up with someone who didn't even go to the prom, yknow?)

I get what you're saying though. I'm just a little gunshy, I guess.
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steve2470 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:44 PM
Response to Reply #22
23. major issues: spirituality and mutual respect, male and female friends,
Edited on Thu Feb-24-05 10:45 PM by steve2470
communication agreements, how to handle sex, how to deal with each other's families, how to handle the money, the list goes on and on...The litmus test for a major issue is anything that either pisses you off, bothers you, makes you curious or you are uncomfortable with. Not many divorced/split up people complain of "too much communication". Of course, you both may want to keep some stuff private.
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oregonjen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:11 PM
Response to Original message
6. Be sure the chores are well defined as to who does what
You might find yourself resenting him if you don't figure that one out
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Modem Butterfly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:16 PM
Response to Original message
9. 10 years here and going strong
Be sure that you contribute to the household, even though you don't need to pay rent. You'll feel better about it and so will he.

Beyond that, just take it easy on each other. It's a learning process.
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Lydia Leftcoast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:22 PM
Response to Reply #9
16. At least help pay for the utilities and groceries
(even fully paid-for houses have utility bills). You'll get more respect that way. Otherwise, if there's an argument, the guy will be able to throw it in your face that your sponding off him.
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RagingInMiami Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:17 PM
Response to Original message
10. Don't be shocked or hurt if you stumble upon a porn collection
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Blue-Jay Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:19 PM
Response to Reply #10
13. Have you been looking at my computer?
Dammit.
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noshenanigans Donating Member (778 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:21 PM
Response to Reply #10
15. Heh.. I have more porn than him..
We actually had to have "a talk" because most of my porn involves lesbians.
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short bus president Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:21 PM
Response to Original message
14. you hafta hold in some of yer farts, at first
and sometimes put yer napkin in yer lap, during meals.
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Patriot Acts Donating Member (306 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:30 PM
Response to Reply #14
19. It's best to just let em out and get it over with ASAP...
If he can't deal with that... well, there's no reason to stay together.
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Goathead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:29 PM
Response to Original message
18. Don't feel like you have to do EVERYTHING together
Chill out and give each other some space. And it is just like Jon Stewart says, don't ever, ever, ever ask him "Whatcha thinking about?" because it is the god's honest truth, sometimes men are thinking about absolutely nothing. Seriously.
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Patriot Acts Donating Member (306 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:32 PM
Response to Reply #18
21. Good advice..
...I would establish a weekly/bi-weekly day at the park or evening "out with the girls."
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SarahB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 10:32 PM
Response to Original message
20. Three things.
Edited on Thu Feb-24-05 10:34 PM by SarahBelle
Have good sex as much as possible.
Talk about your problems without anger- just talk.
Give each other some space at times.

That's the best advice I can give. All I wanted anyway. :shrug:
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sandnsea Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 11:45 PM
Response to Original message
25. Don't lose yourself
Be true to yourself and honest with him about what that is, and the rest will work itself out.
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RetroLounge Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 11:48 PM
Response to Original message
26. Ahh, go for it, worked for me just fine
We've been married for 8 years now, after living together first.

But I had plans on marrying her from day one.

RL
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noshenanigans Donating Member (778 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Feb-24-05 11:54 PM
Response to Reply #26
27. Amazing..
How do you know that kind of thing? Like, that from "day one" you want to be with somebody?

My guy has said things like that to me, but I'm still getting comfortable with it. It is still great (and amazing) to me that you could know right off like that, that you want to be with her, full stop.
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RetroLounge Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-25-05 12:11 AM
Response to Reply #27
28. Well, it scared the crap out of me to feel that way
but you have to assume it's the real deal when it hits...

RL
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steve2470 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-25-05 12:13 AM
Response to Reply #26
29. I think i'm feeling that way about someone right now, scares me nt
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Dave Reynolds Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-25-05 12:15 AM
Response to Original message
30. Always remember...
to put the toilet seat back up after you are finished.

Just common courtesy.
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blueraven95 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-25-05 12:26 AM
Response to Original message
31. I highly recommend....
Definately make sure that you each have some space that is just yours....even if it is just a desk or something....so that you can have some private, me time.
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kodi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-25-05 12:54 AM
Response to Original message
32. big mistake for you, right move for him. Why? see below
you ceded the common territory. its his, not yours, no matter what happens you are the guest, he is the owner and will always have the
upper hand in any situation.....because its his house and he can do whatever he damn well pleases.

you'll see.

good luck. you are gong to need it.

if you think this will work out, you should play the lottery. anyone that optimistic should.
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noshenanigans Donating Member (778 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-25-05 01:24 AM
Response to Reply #32
33. I get what you're saying..
and believe me, I definitely never thought I'd be in this position.

However, though, I know he doesn't take any of the "I Pay the Bills" thins, as a "I'm the ruler" thing, which is good.

Isill appreciate the thought, though.
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kodi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-25-05 01:30 AM
Response to Reply #33
35. mark my words, he'll pee in the corners of the rooms to mark his territory
if you have never lived with a guy you have no understanding of him.

right now, you see what he wants you to see.

buckle up baby, you are in for a host of surprises.

please tell me you at least will have separate bathrooms.
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alittlelark Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-25-05 01:47 AM
Response to Reply #32
36. I did the same thing 15 or so years ago.
I could not have afforded the rent in SV myself. I moved into his place, but brought my cat, and estaablished MYSELF in the house. Without 'permission' - that is VERY important, just do it (art,closet space... not tossing his stuff). It became mine quickly. I bought all the food, and cooked 98% of it (he tried a few times...iiick!). We've been married 11 years and are doing great.

If we had not lived together first, I doubt the marriage would have lasted 3 years.
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Rhiannon12866 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Feb-25-05 01:28 AM
Response to Original message
34. Just be prepared to pick up clothes and do washes
That's my experience. It's not such a tough price to pay and makes life a little easier.:-)
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