How about a joke thread?

Here's one:

Making People Happy

The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force
One.

George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very
happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00 bills
out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his
co-pilot,

"Such big shots back there..... hell, I could throw all of them out
the window and make 56 million people very happy."

SHEEP!

Two Nuns got in a carwreck, no one was hurt
They took their car to a garage to get it fixed but
the mechanic sent them to a fruitstand because he heard
Nuns traveled in Pears!!! Get it!

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi walked into a Bar
The bartender said, "what is this, a joke?"

I better stop now before someone hurts themselves laughing.

:-)

It depends on what you want to change it into.

Apologies to wincing neo pagans.

I only know about four jokes and two of them are elephant jokes.:shrug:

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elephants.

It was January and a lovely snow fell on the White House lawn. So Dubya decided to go for a stroll in the snow.

He didnt get ten steps out the door before he saw it: Huge, bright yellow, cursive letters in the snow that spelled out, "DUBYA IS AN ASSHOLE!"

Somebody had written it in piss in the snow. George was furious!! He sent for George Tenet, Robert Mueller, and Condi Rice. He told them they had better find out whose urine that was or there would be heads rolling all over Washington.

So the FBI, the CIA, and whoever the hell Condi has working for her get busy in a hurry. Within two hours the analysis is done. They have their man.

"Mr. President," said Tenet, "it is Karl Rove's urine."

"The Bureau concurs, sir," said Mueller.

"Oh my god!" says Bush. "I've got to tell Cheney right away!"

"I wouldn't do that, Mr. President," said Condoleezza Rice.

"And why not?" Bush asked incredulously.

Rice answered, "Because it was his handwriting."


Seating now available in the Smoking Section:
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I like this one more for the engineer/manager perspective than the male/female:


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me out? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees longitude.”

“You must be an engineer, “ said the balloonist. “I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?” “Well” answered the balloonist, “Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where your going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it’s my fault.”

But everytime I hear it or do it myself, I can't help but laugh hysterically.



A. Ask me if I'm a Carpenter.

B. Are you a Carpenter?

A. No.



.... No, it is not supposed to make sense. ;)

it works better in autumn.

bob novak is very popular these days.

people are checking his eye brows to see what kind of winter we'll have.

"Men are like the snow. You don't know how long they'll last and how many inches you'll get."

There's a line people standing in front of the pearly gates, and each in turn has to be interviewed by St. Peter to determine their worthiness to enter.

A big, swarthy man approaches the counter, blood still dripping from his head. He relates his story: "Peter, I've been a very jealous man. Today, I even left work early to sneak home and try to catch my wife in bed with another man. I found her in bed, in her negligee. I tore the apartment into shreds trying to find the man. Then I noticed fingers on the edge of the balcony, and there was man hanging by his fingers, so I began stomping on his fingers.

"He begged and pleaded, swore that he'd done nothing, screamed for help, for me to stop, but I didn't believe him and pried his fingers off the ledge as my wife was yelling, 'leave him alone, he didn't do anything, I don't know him!' He finally fell, but it didn't kill him. I was so enraged that I dragged the refrigerator out onto the balcony and pushed it over the railing and it fell on top of him. I think that killed him. Suddenly, I was so overcome with remorse, I got my gun and shot myself."

"Well," says Peter, "that's an interesting story. Please sit over there. We're going to have to think about this."

The next man shuffles up, still dressed in his bathrobe. "Peter, I still don't know exactly what happened. I went out to water the plants, and a bee startled me and I lost my balance and fell over the railing. I thought, 'oh, god, help me!' And he did! Just as I was about to fall, I managed to grab the ledge of the balcony below.

"I said, 'thank you, lord. Please give me the strength to hang on.' And then this crazy man started kicking and stepping on my fingers, and I was pleading with him and praying to god to give me strength, and then I just couldn't hold on any longer and let go. As I fell, I said, 'god, please help me!' And he did! I hit the branches of a tree below and it broke my fall. I was about to thank god for my good fortune when I saw the refrigerator coming at me."

"Hmmm. I'm beginning to get the picture. Please sit down over there. Next!"

A seedy little guy in his underwear walks up, Boston Blackie moustache and toothpick in his teeth, leans on the counter and says, "Hiya, Pete. Now, just imagine yourself hidin' in a refrigerator, see...."

"Doc, I've got a tapeworm. I've been to ten other doctors and they haven't been able to get rid of it, but someone told me you were the best in the business, so can you please help me?"
The doctor say's "I can, but you have to do everything exactly the way I tell you, or it won't work."
"Ok, doc, I promise."
"For one week you must go into a dark room, take your pants down, shine a light in your rectum and insert an oatmeal cookie. After doing this for a week, come back and see me."
The guy is repulsed at these instructions, but desperate to get rid of the tapeworm, so he promises the doctor he will follow the routine. Every day he goes into a dark room, removes his trousers, shines a light in his rectum and inserts an oatmeal cookie. A week later he goes back to the doctor's office. The doctor takes him into the examination room, turns off the lights and instructs him to take off his pants and lay down on the exam table. Next the doctor shines a flashlight in the man's rectum. One minute goes by. Two minutes go by. Three minutes go by. Suddenly a little head appears from the man's rectum and shouts "WHERE'S MY COOKIE?" The doctor picks up a hammer and slams the tape worm into pieces!

This guy inherits his grandfather's beautiful home and estate. Soon he goes to arrange his new home. In the house, he finds a stately grandfather clcok, which, for some reason he couldn't figure, had stopped keeping time.

Living so close to the town's clock shop and repair (guess he lived on Main Street), he decides to take the clock in to be fixed. Since it was just a short distance, and such a lovely day, he decides to carry the clock to the shop.

Shuffling down the sidewalk with both arms wrapped around the large clock (clock: c - l - o - c - k), he stumbled into a passerby, and they exchanged words.

"Why don't you look where you're going?!" yelled the guy with the big clock.

"Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everyobody else?!" yelled the other guy.

ta daa

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant standing on your head during a hurricane?

A: You can hear its ears flapping.

So he can hide in cherry trees. ...Well, have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? ...


Why did the giant yellow canary wear tennis shoes?


So she could sneak up on the elephant hiding in the cherry tree.

a stick.


Two bags of Peanuts walk into a biker bar. One of them was asalted.

Guy walks into a bar with a piece of pavement under his arm and says: Bartender!...Give me a drink and one for the road.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married the ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed???" "No, because he's really, really heavy."