How do I deal with an acquaintance who has been battered?

I have a friend/acquaintance (we live in the same neighorhood and serve on several committees and boards together). This weekend, her husband beat her badly enough that she ended up in the hospital. He has been arrested. I called her house yesterday to talk about board business and ended up having a very strange conversation with her father. Two hours later, I learned what had happened. The incident was reported in the local paper today. As of today, she was still in the hospital.

I want to be supportive but I don't want to invade her privacy.
I need to talk to her in the next few days, do I ask how she is doing or do I pretend I don't know what happened? Unfortunately she and I are the only two women on the boards, the men are all taking a total hands off/denial approach to the whole thing. Has anyone ever dealt with this before?

She may be feeling SO alone right now - and may well need an understanding shoulder. If you keep your inquiry a little vague, it gives her an easy out if she really can't/doesn't want to talk about it.

I wish her the best. :hug: That's so very sad.

one is still a toddler. I've dealt with abuse from the legal side, but never from the emotional side.

and THEN you found out about it?

that sounds weird, but getting a third party like a relative (like him) to understand that you need to talk about business, should probably do the trick, or at least get the message sent.

Then again, I don't know what this word "strange" means, in this context; or the nature of your business, for that matter.

then he told me she was sick. My instinct told me that something was wrong. He had no clue who I was and he was so flustered I didn't try to leave a message. The business is related to our homeowner's association. I am the board president and the woman is a board member. I had called her to talk about mundane board business. A few hours later another neighbor called me to ask if I had heard what had happened.

My advice? Be honest, be supportive, and let her know she doesn't have to be alone.

What's almost worse than the beatings is the sense of isolation that the abused spouse endures (and yes, there are battered husbands out there, too...and for them it can be even harder to admit to anyone). They feel alone, as if nobody cares, as if there's no one they can turn to.

If you can, go visit her in the hospital. She may feel shame, but assure her that it's okay, that there IS no shame and that it's not her fault. Be a friend. Ask if there's anything she needs, whether its errands run, someone to look after the house, or a shoulder to lean on.

If you can't go, then leave a card or letter. But just be available.

That is, if you want, and feel comfortable doing so.

Right now, she NEEDS her privacy invaded a little, even if she doesn't realize it.

I had a guy I worked with come to work regularly w/ bruises on his face; he told me one night that his girlfriend regularly attacked him for any number of things. I (and another co-worker) helped him go to the local police and file charges; it turned out his wife was charged w/ domestic violence on her previous husband and ordered to take anger management classes, which she skipped out on.

He left her shoertly afterwards, but had my co-worker said nothing he would have never told anyone. Talk to her.

don't do the denial thing if you can help it. that just helps the situation to continue.
accept that she may not be ready to be open about what's going on in her home, but still be there and do what you can to bolster her self esteem, it's almost certainly lacking.
it's very hard for women to break out of these things sometimes, but new healthier connections can only help her if she's going to escape that situation. you may end up being a lifeline for her.

Then don't get involved.

Being the victim of abuse is humiliating for anyone. She obviously is hurt by it, but she may not want to bring it up for fear of losing your respect. Let her know that you still respect her and make sure she knows the abuse is not her fault. Many abuse victims also believe "they brought it on themselves."

do NOT ignore this - that's what everyone wants to do because they "don't know what to say". WHAT A CROCK. Offer your ear, offer your support, tell her she can call you, do what it takes; this woman needs HELP.