What's your favorite 'business speak' your company uses?

Mine is 'going forward'

I love memos that use going forward profusely.

Oh, and utilization, pro-active.

it's the "optic" - which I guess means dog and pony show - that counts.

a company that admits it just wants to look good

Working with EDS on a contract - every time their marketing droids used the word "leverage", I would joke that we should down a shot.

but at least we're done 'leveraging technology'.

:cry:

painful feeling in your gut.

:puke:

And I don't even notice it. :cry:

I would cut back on your HGTV viewing time and take a vacation

...grow the business and bridge our margin deltas.

That incorporates a few of them.

"empowered" to think "outside the box" and be an "innovator".

Trouble is when any of the peons took their advice seriously they found themselves on the wrong side of lower management. They would feel threatened and feel they might be out of a job if they couldn't nitpick and criticize the innovators.

To even Say "Think outside the box" means You're Firmly IN the Box to begin with and have no hope of recognizing what lies outside it.

The bank I worked for loved both of those and they always grated on my ears and psyche.

Others: "grow the business" :grr:
"incentivize"
"mission statement" and "Our vision - our values"
"value-added"

I thought it meant to so thoroughly humiliate someone that they were no longer sure how to spell their own name.

ARGH!

More stuff to hate.

I have to confess, though, having been out of the corporate world for almost two years now, those painful memories are beginning to fade…

That could be to ESCALATE something in priority, or, if you have a problem, and the person you're dealing with isn't helping, you can ESCALATE to the next level of leadership.

As in ensuring that the project we're executing has follow-on and parallel effects (e.g., employment opportunities, skills training, infrastructure improvements, educational outreach to people whose status changes) that benefit the affected communities in addition to the project itself.

It's not actually silly or buzzy, it's a real component of our business, but it sounds a little iffy.

plus most of the ones above.

I actually despise those phrases. I despise people who use those phrases, I despise my own ears after I HEAR those phrases. Every time I hear it (which is all-too-frequently), I want to run up to the person who said it, grab their shoulders, shake them and say, "As opposed to WHAT? Going backwards? 'On a go-backwards basis!?' 'This is going to be our new policy going backwards?'"

I have never heard that business phrase used in a sentence that wouldn't have been better served without it.

Whatthefuckever

The management gives advice to the workers like this:

"throughput or flow can be improved by optimizing layout, sequence or skill set (among several options) to save time. "

We have people away from work for days going to class to learn these phrases to help the workers engage in 'continuous improvement'.

"Continuous improvement"

A fine idea in a manufacturing assembly line, but a terrible idea to apply to people.

If I'm already giving you my best, where's the room for continuous improvement? It's a great phrase to make even your best employees feel insecure and inadequate.

Funny how 'continuous improvement' never seems to apply to compensation.

The room for improvement comes not from you working harder, or even more, but improving the processes by which you do your job.

There are very few work processes, anywhere, that can't be improved.

And sadly, simply increasing compensation in the absence of other improvements doesn't actually improve quality. The morale factor is transitory too.

Although that name wasn't good enough any longer. It had to be practice, quality and research. It used to be quality improvement. Then continuous was added,

Only "challenges." And then of course there is the classic "downsizing," also known as "right-sizing." And being "laid off" -- or as Trump would say "You're fired!"

:grr:

Laid off, my ass! Laid off used to apply to manufacturing jobs who let some employees go temporarily when the plant had to scale back or shut down for a time; the employees were called back when business picked up as if nothing had happened. Now if you're laid-off, it's as if you've had a "no-fault divorce" from your employer. We never say 'fired' anymore; 'separated for cause', yes. Fired? Only Trump says that.

That's not said at my work, but I've heard it elsewhere.

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Bless Neil McAllister, wherever he is. :) The panels lacked only One of my 'favorites': "Do we have a process in place?"

That one was the constant refrain of one former co-worker who managed to never actually DO anything coming out of meetings.

:cry:

I'm submitting a report today, and my boss has changed "findings" to "learnings" because the clients use this word like Chris Rock uses the f word.

ugh.

Were they doing "studyings" to come across these "learnings"? So help me, client or not, if someone used that word I'd have to wonder where they got it and *avoid* that place.

"Due to the extreme weather conditions, I will be working remotely today."

Remotely, from a fucking outpost in Greenland, or at home because you can't get out of your driveway?

I would like to send this email to my coworkers someday:
"I am eating Crunch Berries in my pajamas while watching the Price is Right remotely today."

That's what salespeople say when they mean "talk to." Unnecessary euphemisms make me laugh in general, but that one most of all.

I hate the expression "win-win" situation. We always used it as a rationalization to doing something financially damaging to our agents/customers.

Streamlining... ugh...

But worst of all... Process...

Especially when followed by the word "map"

:grr:

Did the folks tossing around the term "process map" actually map their processes?

I only ask because we use that phrase all the time, but only when we have a process map in hand (or being done).

Working for Canada's largest oil company at the time...

First day on the job they handed me 4 binders full of process maps. By the end of the year I had over 5 feet of process map binders in my credenza. Not sure I ever looked at them myself (actually I did during the BPR phases), but in a company that was run by engineers they sure did love their maps!

Ever since I get faint at the thought of flowcharts...

Could give you nightmares.

However -- and especially for engineering -- I can't see how you can get by without them. I certainly want engineers to use something that ensures the highest level of precision humans can reach, especially if we're talking about oil refineries or, shall we say, nuclear power plants.

So, another question: are we talking PFDs and P&IDs here or the run-of-the-mill business process maps?

If you were getting all of the above and they weren't useful to you, it may have been document control that was screwed up (you were getting docs you didn't need), rather than the processes themselves.

Materials Handling (so actually useful, and could keep me out of jail!)

but the rest were business process maps (x does y send to z, see binder 7 for delegation of authority guidelines). I was in the marketing / sales end of things for the most part... and gosh dagnit I have problems thinking in process maps. All the top management were Engineers and I swear they could think like that!

I'm no longer with that company (not due to the process maps but rather my overall rejection of being a part of the corporate labour pool - hello academia - damn - some of these theoretical models are just as bad and so is the bureaucracy!) and am now enjoying a, for the most part, process map free life.

And so far corporate servitude pays lots better. I work with engineers, and yes, they DO think that way. And for the most part, that's a good thing.

The background noise (i.e., bullshit) from the process maps we use is fairly low due to a sort of Darwinian selection process that's taking place all the time: if the processes don't work, the problem shows up right away and is very big time. This is because we're (in my project's case) doing design-build of a major motorway and failed processes mean that designs aren't done on time or that some material isn't at the site on time, or a rigging crew isn't trained in time, etc., etc., and the schedule, or cost, or quality, or (god forbid) safety could go to hell.

As we're highly constrained due to our contract with regard to cost and schedule, there's not much room for error. And since what we're doing is insanely expensive, even a little error costs a bundle.

Keeps us focused, if ya know what I mean.

..for a few hours a day, and I swear, I hear the phrase "moving forward" (either by anchors, reporters, analysts or callers) at least five times per day.

It drives me up the wall! It would be so much easier to communicate if people didn't trip over themselves using "business speak."

And what's this Six Sigma crap?

. . . it's put food on my family for several years.

But I'm tired of supporting an ever increasing army of non-revenue generating positions while "leaders" bemoan the fiscal crisis in healthcare.

But 6 Sigma is the real deal. It saves pots of money (my company has saved over a billion bux over 7 years) and improves the quality of the work experience.

Can't comment on leadership in the healthcare industry. Outside of Bill Frist, didn't know there was any.

That's like "self criticism," so beloved of the Maoists.

Alternatively, I guess "critical" and "oversight" could translate to "big" and "mistake."

I suspect that's not how they're using it, though.

that it is critical that we have control of the staff & kids at all times

You needed to control your staff and students.

Nice of someone to point it out to you, I suppose.

Now it's always nice to hear someone is going to get a paycheck but my manager used this phrase in a staff meeting just after a coworker and I were commenting on what a pointy-haired corporate toady he is.

Happily I'm a "remote" employee and the staff meeting was a phone conference and I was able to hit mute before bursting out laughing.


"Pay for Performance" is another good one. Basically it means you don't get a raise unless you work 80 hours and create Patents for the company. And of course if you don't get raises you're effectively getting pay cuts over the years of course. But that point never seems to sink in with senior management.

"acquire an associate" is perhaps to hire someone?

NWIS, ARS, VLAN, JIT, LIJ, CREM, ECT, QNSP, SMSDP, etc. etc. Not to mention all the computer-related acronyms. I could probably fill pages.

It's a government job, by the way.

We also have stuff like "employee motivational tactics" and "employee consistency training." Also, there is a whole shitload of phrases related to "metrics."

agh..this thread makes me sick just thinking about work.

:puke:

which is used to cover up Management's constant mistakes and gross incompetence

:"Yes we fucked everything up but it's an opportunity for you to me the challenge to overcome your incompetence

I don't know why, I just like it. :evilgrin:

drives me nuts! I always want to say, impact this, you goon! As in impacted wisdom teeth!

Network Administrators - IT Solution providers
Garbage Men - Sanitation Solution Providers

I'm quite sick of the word "solution".