Why does life insist on being so damn complicated at times?

Fuck... just fuck.

:cry:

:(

blah.

Life I feel though will be good in the end.

I blame hormones.

And life. Fuck.

Ive become afraid how I will be to my wife and kids should I have em.
I am not gonna over dramatize my childhood and all that but god its tough having an alcoholic for a father.

:hug:

We had a tough last night though, it didnt help that my brother was trying to make him look evil and the cause of all the problems. We had a nice little night though after my ma and brothers went to bed, my smartass 'hey wendy's is open' remark got me a sammich with biggie fries, it was nice, then we watched Saw which was freaky.

:)

I just hate how my brother tried to make him out to be some kinda demon because while I know my dad is a flawed guy, he's done a lot of good, it was him who noticed my appendix as the problem to the pain I experienced last week.

I grew up with an alcoholic father...23 years worth. I finally got smart and left, and vowed never to darken my father's doorstep again.

He's been dead six years now, and I'm on my way back to go live with my Mom...my mom and I always were pretty tight, but my dad kept fucking up our relationship. This time, no alcoholic father to fuck things up.

I'm sorry you had to go thru the hell of an alcoholic father. Get help. Go To Al-Anon Adult Children. They will help you come to terms with all the shit.

Its just been a tough and unique childhood.

We knew how to press each other's buttons, and we were very embattled throughout my childhood, and into my adulthood. the final five years of his life, we never even spoke. I hated him bitterly. A month before he died, I even said to someone..."if I heard my dad had died, I go back to Pennsylvania just to make sure he was really dead."

A month later,I found myself making that very trip. I never thought it would happen when I said it...but I was very bitter with my father. A lot of it had to do with his "My-way-or-the-highway" attitude. Well, I chose the highway.

We made a final peace when he was on his deathbed. At that point, he could only squeeze a hand once for yes, twice for no...and that was the extent of it. He was in bad shape, cirrhosis of the liver, diabetes, yellow jaundice and hepatitis-B all at the same time, more than anybody could handle, and his body just damn shut down on him, one organ at a time.

You could literally feel cold spots on him, as if he were dying in bits and pieces. and I couldn't hold onto my hatred or bitter feelings anymore, seeing him there like that. I actually cried, surprising my own self, I quite frankly had expected I'd turn handsprings when he was finally gone...but it didn't turn out that way.

In the end, I forgave him for everything he had said or done that hurt me, and I asked him to forgive me everything I had said or done to hurt him. He squeezed my hand once. I dunno to this day if he was saying yes, or maybe he thought his hand was around my throat...but, in the end, that was all the reconciliation I managed with my father...ten minutes later, he drew his last breath.

I really wish the reconciliation with my father coul have happened a different way...but both of us were too stubborn, proud, arrogant, and bullheaded to back off. In the end, seeing him on his deathbed, I couldn't hold onto it anymore. I'm glad I had that chance, even for just ten minutes.

but, damn, I sure wish it had happened differently. I still have some bitter feelings about my dad, don't get me wrong...forgiveness doesn't mean I forgot...or that I have completely healed. I doubt I will EVER completely heal of all the hell my father put me through, growing up. I just wish it coulda been different. alcohol ruined an otherwise good and kindhearted man...and turned him into a demon, in a way. He so often failed to show love to his own family...but was always kind and open for strangers...and that always pissed me off, too. I kept thinking he dealt with strangers more kindly, and with much more tolerance, forgivceness and understanding...than he showed to his own family.

Ah, hell...

Damn alcohol, anyway. It fucks up families, it fucks up lives...I wish they'd do something about it...like forcible treatment for alcoholics. I think about what could have been...if not for alcohol...I think about what alcohol took from me. In the end, it took my childhood...it took my early adulthood, and it took my father. Goddamn it all, anyway...I can;t go on with this...

Its still tough at home bt things get better. Sorry about your dad.

He's well enough out of it now. The last seven years of his life, he really didn't want to live anymore, anyway, and he basically committed a slow suicide via the bottle.

He was in a head-on car crash in 1993, that left him with nerve damage, and caused him to have to leave the profession he'd been in for 25 years, and he never was able to establish himself in any other field...he was unable to hold a job, and felt like he was useless and worthless...that he'd been "unmanned" because he could no longer earn a living...and he just plain flat didn't want to live anymore.

I'm glad he is no longer suffering as he was. Wish it coulda happened a different way, but...don't be sorry. I'm not.

I've spent several days in bed with the covers over my head this week, feeling all weirded out.

A post about bird flu has me very upset...not for myself, but for my eighteen-year-old Amazon parrot who has been my friend for almost half my life. :( :( :( :( :( :( Silly as it sounds, tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this.

:silly:

:hug:

:hug:

sounds like you need one worse than I do.

:)

:loveya:
It'll get better soon.

being stuck at work is FINE :D

and I am surrounded by pukes.

i dont mind conservatives, i have con. friends that i joke around with all the time, good natured shit. but to have hardcore pukes...:scared:

How's that for puke.

ok, you win :scared:

I met Ashcroft once-f*cking hypocrit.

Sorry for whatever you're going through.

:grouphug:

:grouphug:

life sucks. Life's a bitch, then you die.

Sometimes, I wish there were a better life, but every time I thin I got a chance at a better life, some sonofabitch comes by and takes it away. It never fuckin' fails.

:hug:

I agree.

Can't say much else.


I just agree.




Dammmmn.



Hope you feel better in the morning. As I hope I do to.


Solidarity

:hug:

The restlessness...the feeling that something is bothering you, but you don't know what exactly is bothering you.
Hate those days.

:(

NT

An old friend called me today out of the blue, I haven't talked with her nearly a year. I didn't answer when she called because I was so shocked to see her name on the caller ID, and I just listened to her message.

I miss having her as a friend in once sense, but in another sense I don't.
She was a user type, I gave her all of my friendship and I would just be there for her, but she would never be there for me. And it's hard to go into everything, because there's so much and it's complicated.

But basically, it's just, why did she have to call me up and bring up all this shit. And I don't know if I should call her back or not or what. I just don't know. x(

I have been used. It is best to break it off as soon as possible.

It's just was my best friend, and it's hard to do this again. I let things drift until we didn't speak anymore. It's hard to lose a friend once, let alone twice.

And see part of the reason why it's really hard, is she has a son who's three and I miss him, he was like my nephew. So that makes it even harder. :(

put your foot down very early on what you will and will not give to keep up the friendship.
I had a friend who ran all over me. She constantly borrowed money, clothes and then would dump her kid off with me-sometimes not returning for days at a time. I would have to take the kid to my daughter's babysitter just so that I could go to work, knowing that she would never pay me for it.
I broke it off and she ran back to my ex (my daughter's father) and told him where we lived (since he's legally not allowed to know right now).
I've been there with user friends. Don't let her use you again.

It's just so surreal.


And I'm sorry you had to go through all that. :hug:

Sleeping on it is a great idea. Think about it first.

It's my experience that "users" don't change.

all the amino acids and the carbon compounds

Makes for some amazingly complicated molecules.

Thank you. :)

making someone smile is a wonderful thing! Thanks!

sometimes that's just the way it is. A question I have asked often

But can I still whine now and again? :7

Dr. Frankenstein: "What did he say?"
Igor: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THE BATHROOM DAY AND NIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A CHANCE!"

Feel better :)

and I'll leave you with this

If someone loves you and they leave and dont come back, it was never meant to be. if someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire- george carlin

You made me giggle.

:hug:

i have a "clever" phase :D

:hug: