Dear NSMA

Post your personal problems here. I will solve them

Just wondering...

Throw the fucking thing in the trash and go to Best Buy

How do I last these last few weeks without you? :loveya:

That's too sweet! Hope you two enjoy each others company for a long, long time.

You guys are making me all melty-hearted!!

:hug:

:D

Does that count?

we are all OK with that

And I don't mean that I'm OK with *your* being an asshole, just in case you're wondering.

Best of luck

Ow.

I use that phrase ALL THE TIME because my Dad used it ALL THE TIME when I was a kid!

I haven't heard it out of another human mouth (or in this case text from human fingers) other than mine in almost 10 years!!!!!

NSMA!!! YOU MADE MY DAY!!!

I'm gonna go call my Dad!

You dad sounds like a fucking genius. :D

I have been having Lesbian fantasies. Can you help?

stop taking Midol for headaches, listen to more Village People and you will be healed. Take a course in interior decorating.

My friends and family keep telling me I have bees in my head. My pillow says it, too, but I don't believe them.

Wouldn't I have honey dripping out my ears if that were the case?

Yours,

Beeless in Santa Cruz

you don't have honey dripping out of your ears because the wax is blocking it

maybe they're onto something....

with him. Well, he wants me to drive him to the bunny chasing range anyway. How do I run energy off him when I can't make it to the door?

But she is spending the day in her office in the basement or, the catacombs, as we call it here now.

:shrug:

up off my fat ass and back out into the garden where I am spreading mulch and pea gravel? The temp is 72, the skies sunny and a stiff spring winf is blowing. Flowers are blooming.

I'd be ever so greatful because I can't seem to budge. Can you motivate me?

There is a gorgeous naked man who looks like Adonis out in your garden and he wants you BAD!! Quick, go catch him.

Be back soon!

...with JimmyJazz, sniffa, Rev Acts & everyone?

He'll start expecting it. :nuke:

I'll tell him that.

How do I attend the Boston meet up when I cant afford to miss much school and work?

Work ethics and academics are over-rated. Just ask George Bush.

but thanks anyway.

we all need chemicals now and then

:) gonna be good.

I left my tennis shoes outside the front door a few days ago. I kinda forgot about them. This morning, when I went to put them on, I couldn't help but notice the er, gift, that he left me.

I guess I'm glad to have one less mouse in the yard.

but if *I* fed your cat, he'd love me.

I've got a date tonight with a 24 years and well, I'm 32. I feel kinda funny about it. What can I do with a 24 year old?

P.S. I'm usually not nervous about dates, but this one I am. Am I normal? :)

Thanks.

24 goes into 32 a hell of a lot more times than 32 goes into 24. Go for it! :thumbsup:

wish me luck! :D

:yourock:

Just offer some advice. I have too many issues to figure out which one to ask about.

a Ryder truck, 7000 pounds of fertilizer and a fuse.

Next advice giver, please!!!

On edit: Your advice made me laugh which does help. :hi:

;-)

I've lost the keys to the Gungeon and I can't get back in.

Also, why does CA have such ugly license plates?

and ugly plates make for better target practice. But if you must have a prettier target, there is always Whelan's Whale:



of course this means adding a harpoon to your weapons collection but you never know when a harpoon might come in handy in the event that a well organized militia is needed for your protection.

Never thought about a whale attack. CYA later. I gotta go stock up on harpoons and wooden legs.

Will Pitt has bees in his head. How do we cope? Is there anything we can do?

Luv,
Velma

so people will not inquire about the microscopic gnat in his pants

ignore him and he'll go away (and take his various and sundry insect friends with him)?

It's how he maintains contact with the Hive Mind.

when he said, "you will service us". Resistance is futile. :)

Late last year I was told to 'get a life.' Now I've got one and it interferes overmuch with my posting to DU. The solution?


:hi:

I remember when and who told you to get a life. Some things are too good to be called irony.

Why does this picture and saying keep popping into my head?

nearly as often as you should. YOu should let your flame burn brightly rather than be a sniveling, heaping clod of ailments complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

... because I refuse to tolerate faith-based bigotry. Is that fair? Am I a bigot? Is bigotry okay as long as it's faith-based?

Why must you always pick on the oppressed majority? I feel for these people. We should all take heed and read their book about the trials and tribulations of the ruling class. YOu can order it from your local corporate book whore..it is called "White Like Me."

When are you and Miss Under gonna come visit us? I swear that I won't pick a fight with anybody.

Patience, grasshopper...right now we are busy getting her packed and getting her happy ass out here. :D

And also - can I sleep on your couch?

we seem to have so much energy ... but in many ways, it seems we are like the molecules in boiling water ... heated up, moving very rapidly, but seemingly without any coherent direction or plan ...

the path is still much too dark ... even the goal is not clear ... and no one with a loud, clear voice seems to speak for us ... there is nothing that calls us towards unity ...

i have been poking here and poking there looking for a way to break through ...

what can be done ???

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece of the rock.

Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss, and _when_.

Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do.

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
and despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember The Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you -
That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore. It will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds,
Clean air, tuna, Taiwan.
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.
For a good time, call 606-4311. Ask for Candy.

Take heart in the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god,
Whatever you perceive him to be - hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.

Give up

That was the funniest thing I've seen all day (and that's saying a lot on a day where Will had bees in his head). :)

this was originally released on a National Lampoon album but i have this age-deficient recollection (CRS) that it was narrated by Lorne Green, aka Ben Cartwright of Bonanza fame ...

is that correct ??

btw, i hadn't seen or heard this thing in over 30 years ... i'm confident the advice you provided will solve all my problems ... i've already finished rotating one tire ...

and it was written by Christopher Guest..it was on the Radio Dinner LP..which also had the great Lennon parody and the Joan Baez "Pull the Triggers" tune..great disc!

Damn. Wow. Brilliant :D I think I might put that up at work, just for the :wtf: looks of anyone who actually reads it :)

I just lost my job and the bills are piling up. My whole family has disowned me because of my leprosy and my hair has all fallen out. I lost both legs in a foosball accident (don't ask) and to add insult to injury it happened a week after I just spent the rest of my savings on some really cool Nike high-tops.
A little over two weeks ago my house burned to the ground and everything, except my foosball game perished in the flames. I am now living in a refrigerator box under the I-77 bridge and the weather has been below freezing every night. My glaucoma is acting up and I lost three fingers from the frostbite.
My question is.. Should I get a Mac or a PC?

Dudes with Macs score more

I would give you a thumbs up, but unfortunately those are two of the fingers that are gone. I can't give you the finger with my right hand either.

it'd also help if they lived someplace with decent transportation and no snow, which narrows it down still further :(

The oil companies have made sure that all places where there is no snow have no decent transportation, so that renders the fact that there are no straight women like me moot. :(

Ah, the pickup lines: "Hey babe, my proven reserves are running a bit low. Mind if I drill a few exploratory wells off your continental shelf?"

</sarcasm>

a 440ci 4 SPEED HEMI TRANS, 2X4 650 CARBURATORS, .509 CAM, 375 REAR, LINE LOCK, DIDGITAL GAUGES, BILLET WHEELS, STAINLESS HEADERS, ELECTRIC DOORS, CHROME EVERYWHERE..RUN THE LITTLE FUCKERS OVER!!!

I love muscle cars. <droooool>

and we'll get spittle all over the rides while we try to keep dry in our pants

What does it take to get into Misunderestimator's pants?
And why aren't you returning my PMs on the matter?
And what's the box you mailed that smells like gasoline?
Should I open it?
I think I will anywa

1. Stick your big tits in her face
2. I alerted on your PM's and admin hasn't had a hand free since
3. Dick Cheney's last RNC pitch letter
4. At your own risk
5. Where'd ya go? :shrug:

You got number 1 right for sure! :)

What can I do?! I can't eat!!!

Threads about eating have been discontinued in the lounge until further notice. See..if you had more pillows, you could stuff one of those in your mouth right now.

I'm having one of those hormonal days where absolutely everything makes me want to cry, and I hate it. What should I do to snap out of it?

Make everyone else's life a living hell. It's the only remedy.

I'll work on that :D

I'm sick with a head cold and it is snowing and cold outside. Should I just stay in bed, eating and chatting on DU, or should I try to be productive and work on my poetry?
-Sniffly in Chestnut Hill, MA

I don't think I should talk to you til that thing on your lip clears up.

My boyfriend will probably break up with me today. Should I kill him before or after he does?

Break up with HIM then kill him

It seems I won't have to kill him. Thanks for the advice anyway.

Oh.

Dear NSMA,

...

see my response to Cally

I have a student who is displaying increasing oppositional behavior. She's already been evaluated for behavioral/emotional disorder and found to not be eligible under that classification (an assessment with which I agree), but none of the behavior management techniques I've tried so far have worked. Help!

The problem is your student comes from a household where aggressive behavior rules and she suffers from having inadequate role models. I suggest choking the lving shit out of the little snot nosed fuck.

I believe your diagnosis to be spot on. However, I am seeking a remedy that, however much I might have considered it in the past, will not make me a topic of discussion in LBN. Is there a "plan B"?

Hide the body. If you need assistance call the Bush Crime Family.

Penicillin

I've got a big old stock pot of okra here...and no one to eat it with. Whatever shall I do??

Just give me ten minutes :evilgrin:

:bounce:

:evilgrin:

I could be your new neighbor in California within the next year. This will be your problem, not mine. :P

*dialing the FBI now*

The paranoids are after me! What shall I do?

Just because they are just paranoid doesn't mean we are not out to get them. Avoid conversations about the Food Network at all costs.

:shrug:

No cable here. :D

Tell me something funny that you did that you have never told anyone.

:-)

I can't think of anything :shrug:

Feel better :hug:

I don't have any personal problems.

I just felt like posting because everyone else is.

Sorry.

Claiming not to have personal problems is a sign of deep seated emotional problems. Seek help immediately before it's too late :scared:

my straight son is really interested in the gay agenda free toaster offer. he thinks free toasters are really cool, and is convinced that he could earn a few. what is your advice?

(possible helpful note: son is "called" or "labelled" or "deemed" gay because when he is called gay - apparently the way kids attempt to insult each other these days - he fails to see the "insult".)

Toasters is so 90's. You can get far better appliances now. Tell him not to sell himself short.

Oh and on the name calling thingy...tell son it's just like farts..the one that smelt it, dealt it.

I have the hots for this , um, friend....and she's gay.

You should stop watching so much porn. You'll go blind.

:evilgrin:

that would HEIGHTEN all my other senses!
KnowhatImean? :evilgrin:

My ex is a total ratfuck bastard. When I attempted to re-establish contact with him, to try to salvage some sort of friendship from the wreckage of our relationship, he agreed to meet with me. In order, only, to make amends to those people he has hurt. Of which I am one. I don't want that. I want his friendship, not his guilt.

Am I wrong in this? Should I accept what he offers or hold out for something more substantive - even if that means I'll get nothing in the end?

Khash.

what's the big attraction in being friends with a rat bastard? Life not sucky enough for ya without that shit? Are you some kind of masochist or something? Some people are just assholes and they need to fuck off. Have a nice day. :D

What is the problem is that I have purchased a new cell phone that I thought was an upgraded version of my old Sharp SH53. My old phone could record music from a stereo or 'puter with an optional optical data cable and adapter.

Since I already have said cable and adapter, I thought I could use them with the new phone. It is being touted as a music-capable phone and the version number is 802SH.

The new 802 SH cost about 100 bucks. Now, the probem is that I have found out that the player can only load "secure MP3's" via an optional SD memory card reader and s/w that I do not need. I already have an SD drive in the 'puter so what is the point of shelling out 30 bucks for another (USB) one? I cannot return the phone as that is the policy at Vodafone.

Many other users are unhappy with this situation...I wish I had known!

Purchase insurance on the product then drop it on the train tracks. oops

It is tough to get companies to comply when they are in the wrong in cases of deceptive or manipulative marketing. They usually have to be publicly shamed by consumers before they will react.

In this country, the customer is not always right and that was tough to learn (been here dog's years).

How do I stop?

:shrug:

I also hate the shrugging smiley. Smug little SOB.

Find something else to do with your hands

I cannot find any liberal men in my area. All I can find are rednecks who want me to move into their kitchen and deny me a pair of shoes of my own. What do you think I should do?
-Trapped in Akkkroft's basement

Heterosexuality is over rated

Dating in general is overrated. I think that I just need to hook-up from here on out.

who's hot for some SoCAL chick. What should I do?

Suffer, sucker!

the best way out of your pain is THROUGH it :)

;-)

we have a much smaller less threatening Disney here :D

I look forward to visting you two ...That would be fun.

can you give me a million dollars?

I could but it would be much more satisfying to you if you earned it. In good conscience, I cannot damage you with all that money

Will I get the job that I want so badly?

I'm a problem solver...not a Magic 8 ball :evilgrin:

Whatever happened to Miss Cleo? :crazy: