Shiity week anybody got a even semi good joke?

Even a lame joke.I could use a chuckle.

Someone asked me, "What do you get when you cross a elephant with a rhino?" My answer, "Uhhhhhh.....(drool starting to leak from the corner of my mouth as I stare into the distance)....." Their answer, "Exactly! Hell if I know?!" Or was it "Elephano?"

This one's equally as bad. "What's green and goes through walls?" Answer, "Casper the Friendly Pickle!"

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

pick it (picket) George Bush's favor joke

#1


The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

If you are way too easily offended, please don't read-just cma in case...I got a chuckle out of it :shrug:


The Ugly Bus
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the
grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one
wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is
rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".


SO.....

THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'......BE HAPPY

I save them for rainy days and boring fridays just like this!

Want another?

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

Well, one is made of white plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.

The other one is used to carry groceries.

I won't touch the MJ subject in this place with a 20-foot pole ...no way, not here

I said the MJ subject, I wouldn't even be allowed around whacko jacko even if I did want to poke him with a pole, I'm not under the age of 15 .....

when 1 little old lady comes up and offer his him some almonds. He thanks her and eats them after she goes back to her seat. A few minutes later she offers him some more. Again, he accepts and she returns to her seat. The third time she comes up, he asks her, "Don't you want those almonds, ma'am?" She replies, "Oh, I just like to suck the chocolate off them!"

ha ha!

:evilgrin:

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

One is a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other is a dirigible.

"Shitty week. Anybody got even a semi good toke?"

would be an awfully good one.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.

"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

Shrub said, "I could throw out a thousand dollar bill and make somebody happy."

Pickles said, "Well, Honey, I could throw out ten hundred dollar bills and make TEN people happy."

Condo said, ---------I could play Old Man River------oh, no, that's a different joke: "I could drop a hundred ten dollar bills and make a HUNDRED people happy."

And Darth RUMS said, "I could drop a thousand one dollar bills and make a THOUSAND people happy."

So the pilot said to his co-pilot: "Listen to these big-shots. I could drop ALL FOUR OF THEM out the hatch and make 4 billion people happy!"

I liked that one A-lot!
I'll toast to that even, wish it were true..

A man goes to his doctor and complains that he is having "erectile" problems.

After a long discussion of alternatives, the doctor recommends a new treatment.

"There is a new surgery", he says. "It's experimental, but it appears to be your only real choice."

"What is it?", asks the man.

"Well, we take the muscle from the base of the trunk of a baby elephant and attach it to the base of your penis. If successful, it will cure your erectile dysfunction."

The man agrees to the procedure. He has it and waits the required six weeks before attempting to try out his new equipment.

He takes his wife to dinner. Halfway through dinner he feels a "fullness" in his pants. Suddenly, his zipper opens by itself and his penis comes out, unfurls, grabs a dinner roll, goes back into his pants, and zips up.

His wife has a devious smile on her face and asks him if he can do it again.

The man has a pained expression on his face and says, "probably, but I don't think I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

Ba da bum...

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer