My best friend's wife hates me now

My best friend and I have known each other for two years now and work at the same place and have been close friends for over a year. He has become friends with my husband now too. He always warned me that his wife is jealous. This past spring, I finally met her and hung out with them as a couple with my husband under the pretense that my best friend was my husband's friend. It seemeed like she liked me and that things were going well. A couple weeks ago, I lent my best friend my car since his had a major problem that took a while to fix. He admitted to her that he and I were actually friends. She didn't react negatively then. My husband and I hung out with them again together since then and she treated me well and she said how I was a genuinly nice person and I said the same to her. The four of us all said that it is good to have great friends and that it is good that we all found each other. Anyway, yesterday I gave my best friend a rather moving letter about how much I appreciated him being my friend. I did so because he has been having a rather rough time and may soon be taking another job and I wouldn't see him as often. He told his wife about it (To my knowledge she did not actually read it.). Anyway, she was furious about that. She is evidently hurt and thinks that he and I are better friends than she and him. He told me that was in fact true but I am not sure if he told her that. I told him that I would talk to her but he doesn't think that is a good idea and wouldn't accomplish anything. He said that everything is fine between us and that she is just showing that she is still uncontrollably jealous and that I shouldn't worry about it. I am worried and hurt about the whole thing. I've almost had a panic attack several times today. Now that I'm home, I want to cry.

I dont think you did anything wrong

DDQM

Then forget about it (unless there's more to the story than what you told us). You can't be all things to all people, and the jealous wife is someone you'll NEVER win over anyway.
Too bad you didn't hold off on that letter 'till you knew he was going for sure, but we learn from our mistakes (not our successes)...

.. you don't have feelings other than friendship for her husband?

:hug:

hope you feel better and it all works out.

She always told me how close she and my friend have become and how well they know each other. Perhaps, knowing that her husband and I are close and know each other well also bothers her a lot. My friend said that we are closer than he and his wife basically because she overreacts to things as she did in this case. The thing is that I have always have been supportive of her and their marriage even before I met her. I have even helped explain to my friend why his wife might feel certain ways after they had an arguement. I am not trying to take her husband away from her. I am in love with my husband and don't need another man in that way. We are close friends. I am especially sad because I do like her and wanted to be her friend too.

I have no idea why you would let a man or your friend tell you that he is closer to you than his wife. She overreacts??? No way.

I would back way off. Maybe ask her to go to lunch in a few weeks. I know men and women can be close friends but in no way would I ever let a man or a friend tell me that I am closer to him than his wife. If that is so than their marriage and your own are in trouble IMHO.

I think she has the right to feel the way she does, especially if she knows that her husband is better friends with another woman than he is with her. That's not the way it should be, anyway. And while I understand your gratitude for the friendship, and I know you didn't mean to cause any trouble, you probably really shouldn't have written that letter. That is what set everything off, and I totally understand his wife's feelings. She has a very valid point.

Wives always seem to get a bum rap in these situations. I understand completely where she's coming from, and I think you need to back off a little. The wife probably also resents the fact that she's expected to go along happily with everything and that if she's the least bit bothered by the fact that her husband is best friends with another woman, she has to keep it to herself because it would then be considered "uncontrollable jealousy" no matter what she says. As someone who's been in that situation (though I've never been married, I have had serious relationships), I know from firsthand experience hos frustrating that is and how resentful it makes you. You want to be supportive, but you also don't feel that your own feelings are being considered and taken into account, either, and you're made out to be the bad person.

I was involved for four years with a man who insisted on being good friends with his ex-girlfriend, my immediate predecessor. She kept trying to get her hooks back into him, sending him flowers and romantic cards and coming on to him right in front of me, and I wasn't allowed to say anything at all about it or I was called "irrational", "overly emotional", "neurotic", etc. And at the time, she had a lot more money than I did (I was a poor college student), with her own house and car, etc. I very much resented that, and I've known a lot of other situations like that as well.

So, I'm sorry, but I'm on the wife's side in this one, I think you need to back off and cut her some slack, and I think her husband needs to try to be the kind of friend with her that he is with you and stop calling whatever she says and does "uncontrollable jealousy." To men, what that really means is that they can't do whatever they want whenever they want and that they have to endure the inconvenience of actually considering their wife/girlfriend/fiance's feelings.

only yourself. This woman has serious self-image issues methinks, and is probably over protective for no good reason. you cant fix her. add her to the "moran" pile

was better friends with another woman than with me, and if that woman had written a letter to him like you did, I, and almost every other woman I know, would have "overreacted" in the same way without having what you term "self-image problems." The wife has every reason to feel the way she does, including resentful. That letter really shouldl not have been written.

He probably enjoys her pain and would find life dull without the occasional big jealous scene. Sorry, but that's my take. Been there, done that, got a clue.

We've been friends for quite a while now and I am convinced that our friendship is genuine. The reason that he didn't tell her right away that we were friends was because she has reacted jealously in the past to much lesser things. He thought that if she got to know me that things would be alright and they seemed to be. He thought that she was improving in that way too. Until three years ago, they lived in a house next door to her abusive, controlling parents, he had been drinking heavily for several years and working twelve hour days, six days a week. Since they moved away, he stopped drinking, and they see more of each other, their relationship had been improving so there is a reason that she might be improving in this area.

I said he was using it against his wife. The two are not mutually exclusive. If he wanted his wife to see you as "just" a friend, and not a threat, that's how it would be. He hasn't offered her that assurance, at least not in a meaningful way, and so she's threatened. His assurances to you that she's jealous for no reason mean nothing. There's a reason, all right. Her husband is way too close with another woman and letting her know it.

story, he could have been exaggerating and/or not have been totally truthful. People, men and women, sometimes exaggerate how bad things are with them and their marriages/relationships to get you to feel sorry for them and be on their "side." Been there, done that.

She speaks worse about her controlling, abusive parents than he did. She gave her side of his drinking and working long hours while her parents tried to sabatage their marriage. Almost everything fits in agreement although sometimes from different points of view. Before he outed us as friends, she and I spent a few hours talking while her husband and mine were doing other stuff.

feelings for another woman's husband.

You were WAY out of line for writing him any sort of letter and you're far too deeply involved emotionally with him, even under the guise of friends.

You need to apologize, back off and pay more attention to your husband. She is NOT uncontrollably jealous, she's acting like a woman who has another woman chasing her man and writing him emotional, heartfelt letters.

I'm a bitch, and I'm saying, back up, get away from that man and pay attention to your own husband, not someone else's... because that is what SHE wants you to do. This has gone too far.

It'll be FINE. You will find other friends, and everything will be all right. There is no need for panic attacks.

Female friends too. I am in a place far from where I grew up. I am out of college and those friends have moved away. My family is far away, but I had a lousy family life anyway. My husband and I are close but we cannot be everything for each other. He is aware of the level of our friendship and is alright with that and has emotional feeling for him too (My husband is not homosexual in any way.). I have other friends but they are not as close. There are reasons why my friend and I are closer than my other friends. His wife was the type of person that I thought that I could have had a strong emotional friendship with as well. Anyway, to make no mistake about my intentions in my letter, my last line was, "You are like family to me."

to have developed such an intense closeness.. Warning bells rang for me when you described the relationship..

It may not be "fair", but MOST women are not too happy about their husband "palling around with " a female friend.. Jealousy aside, it's not a comfortable feeling to wonder if your husband is having thoughts of taking it to the next logical step..

It's possible too, that as the friendship continued, YOUR husband might even start to feel like you were "closer" to your friend than to him.. Why rock the boat ?

If you are all young, it's not unusual to want to have close friends like that, but you will find as you get older, that your own family is the place to expend your intense energy.. You need some close women friends...

Sorry that everything got messed up, but better 2 years in , than 10 years in...

edtited to add.... NEVER write letters to a "friend" that you do not expect his wife to also read :)

'connections' to people. You're creating trouble and drama for yourself and others by drawing them into deep, troublesome relationships.

KNOCK IT OFF and become more self sufficient and dependent on yourself and your husband for your emotional needs. Friends are for friendships. I suggest some counseling as well, right NOW.

My parents were abusive and neglectful in their own ways. My sister, who is close to my own age, is living a wild single life in a big city. My half sibling are little kids. I have had several friends and aquaintances with supportive families who have deep connection with them. My husband and I are introverted types so our idea of a good time is not partying with lots of people who we barely know. We did not grow up in this community where he have been for two years. My husband and I cannot get everything from each other emotionally. My best friend had moved away from his home area. He had a male best friend and a couple of other close friends who he considered as family. Is it wrong to want friendships at that level if the other person is willing to reciprocate?

This is totally inappropriate behavior for a married woman to be displaying to another woman's husband.

Nikia, back off and go home to your own husband. And apologize to the other woman and admit that your emotional connection is strong but that you are not going to act on it anymore.

Cat

He sounds more important to you than your own husband, who must be neglecting you in some important ways.

Go for it!

It is true that he is less emotional than my friend and I. He also doesn't understand or want to talk about wanting to help others outside his family and friend circle, have meaningful work non related to pay, my unfortunate childhood, or problems at work. He does not understand my friend and I's struggle to see ourselves as decent, compentent people since he thinks that we are both above average in that. He struggles to share his feelings with anyone even when he is so upset that he just sits there and won't talk. He usually eventually opens up to me with the pretense that he doesn't want anyone else to worry about him because he's suppose to be a strong man. He considers me closer to him than anyone else ever in his life. We talk about a lot of different things, have good sex, and enjoy being with each other. He is good to me and always is giving me lots of positive compliments.
I really do not want more than friendship with my friend. Even if my husband died and his marriage failed or she died, I think that having sex or living together would mess things up between us. I don't think that he wants that type of relationship with me either. He had said that before. He had ended a friendship with another woman at work who made it clear that she wanted him. He also told me about ending a friendship with a woman who he gave a ride home and she took off her clothes. We want to keep our friendship and our marriages.

ignore another woman's feelings and ruin another woman's marriage for her own selfish reasons. Uh-uh, I don't think so!

COMPLETELY agree with every word you've written. In fact, my first reaction was to wonder why she even wrote the letter, there was absolutely no reason for it. And the wife has EVERY reason to feel the way she does, and it angers me to see her getting the bad rap. I know that if I were married and my husband were better friends with another woman than with me, and that if she then wrote him a letter expressing that, you better goddamn well believe I would be "uncontrollably jealous" and "overreact!"

You're right, also, in that she needs to just back off and pay more attention to her own husband than to another woman's husband, and focus on her own marriage instead of causing trouble in another woman's marriage.

was your husband and he that had the friendship. So she already knows something was going on behind her back. That's not a good way to build a friendship or keep a marriage strong.

It sounds like she gave you and her husband the benefit of the doubt. The letter must have led her to believe she shouldn't have. I don't think I would characterize what you've described of her behavior as uncontrollable jealousy.

I also think he's not very loyal to her by talking about her behind her back.

I think you and your friend may have doomed your friendship by handling it the way you did.

If the situation were reversed and it were my wife doing this, I would be very upset.

Not only that, I'm sure she senses that he considers you a better friend than her. That's a very threatening situation in a marriage.

Fuck her.

she has every right to feel the way she does. I think you're too young to have been married or seriously involved yet, you'll understand better in a few more years.

Well if being married means I gotta deal with this kinda stuff, I'm staying single. ;-)

Good point! All I have to do whenever I get to feeling down about being 38 and never married with no prospects in sight is to read posts like this or look at some of my friend's marriages. I feel better REAL quick!

Maybe, it is an age thing. In college, I thought nothing of having opposite sex friends and neither did my husband and neither did most of our friends.

SO.......I don't have close female friends. Works for us.

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds to me like this guy is playing both of you against each other for his own amusement.

First he cooked up a scheme to *lie* to his wife about being friends with your husband and then he undermined your credibility by telling his wife it's not true after all and that you are his friend. The wife accepted this without fuss by your own account. That's not exactly what I'd expect from an unreasonably jealous wife.

Then without any discernible cause he revealed to his wife that you'd written him an emotionally charged letter. Of course she was furious, and not because of uncontrollable jealousy, but because that is a reasonable reaction to the situation.

Now both of you are upset for no reason other than this guy gratuitously revealed a personal communication. Any man that cries on another woman's shoulder about his wife's shortcomings is looking for something other than friendship.

But she kinda walked into it. I kinda wonder, myself....

I've (and I'm sure you have also) seen these types of "Friendships"
blossom into something very serious.....I'm sure the wife has seen the same scenario also.

I truly don't blame her for being upset. This whole deal about writing letters to your best, closest friend is a little on the uncomfortable side......If the folks were not married then an entirely different answer would be written here :)

These guys swear all they want is friendship but they give themselves away sooner or later.

Nikia, I hope you feel better soon but for your own emotional health I'd put some distance between yourself and this guy before there is irrevocable damage to one or both of your marriages.

as I don't believe jealousy or possessiveness have anything whatsoever to do with love. They're unhealthy manifestations of insecurity. Not wanting your spouse to have close friends - of either gender - is unreasonably possessive. However, it is the business of the spouse to try to make her feel more secure. If he's not helping her feel secure in his affection and friendship for her, he is at fault. Dealing with insecurity is certainly always one's own responsibility, but it is the husband's job in this instance to help his wife feel secure, insofar as is possible.

If he is not reassuring his wife sufficiently, then, while I do not believe you're at fault, you still need to be sensitive to that, and urge him to do what he can to make her feel more secure. If he does not do so, then you will have to withdraw somewhat. He and his wife need to sit down and talk without defensiveness or anger about your relationship and why it makes her feel insecure. There's something she's not getting from him that she thinks you're somehow getting. It may be respect, from what you've said, and that's not good.

I do think becoming friends under a false assumption was not the right thing to do. I believe in absolute honesty and open communication in these matters.

Having only your spouse for a close friend is not necessarily the healthiest thing in the world - it's putting all your eggs in one basket. I'm guilty of that myself, but I don't try to keep him all to myself and prevent him having other friends and interests that I don't share, nor does he try to prevent me forming close associations with others.

:thumbsup:

but that would take its own thread