Post your St. Patrick's Day jokes. What's long, green and wears skates?

Peggy Phlegming.

an irishman, an englishman and a scotsman were sitting at a bar in sydney.
the view was fantastic, the beer cold and the girls danced different but with
familiar grace.

"but" said the scotsman, "i still prefer the pubs back home. in glasgow
there's a little bar called mctavish's. how the landlord there goes out of his
way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy you the
5th."

"well" said the englishman "at my local, the red lion, the barman there will
buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"ahhhhh that's nothin'" said the irishman "back home in dublin there's
ryan's bar. now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like. then when you've had enough drinks
they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. all on the house!"

the englishman and scotsman immediately pour scorn on the irishman's claims
but he swears every word is true.

"well" said the englishman "did this happen to you personally?"

"not to me personally no" said the irishman, "but it did happen to my
sister."

Patty O'Furniture.

:D

..he's been there for days and he's dying of thirst when he notices a lamp sticking out of the sand...he picks it up and rubs some of the sand off and there's a big puff of smoke and out pops a genie....

Amazed the Irishman stares at this apparition not sure of what to do...

"You have three wishes" says the genie...

The Irishman thinks for a second and says "I'm doiyin' of thirst, I want a pint of Guinness...BUT...when I finish drinking it, I want it to fill back up again..."

Bingo, presto a pint of Guinness appears out of nowhere. The Irishman grabs it and starts gulping it down....when he's finished he puts it down on a nearby rock and to his utter amazement it starts to fill itself up...He grabs it and slams it down, and watches as the glass magically fills itself up again, giggling he grabs it and swallows the contents in one go...and again it fills itself up again...

He does this for the better part of an hour and the genie was starting to get restless. As the Irishman was watching the glass fill up for the eleventh time the genie cleared his throat. "Um, you know you still have two more wishes, right?"

"What? Oh, yeah...tell you what 'dis is fookin' greet...gimme two more glasses just like this!!"

Micheal Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael?

A St. Patrick's Day parade.

( I love the Irish, really I do ;))

a: 6 pack and a potato.

----------------------

guy 1: i met a nice girL the other day.

guy 2: oh reaLLy?

guy 1: no, o'reiLLy.


buh da bum.

i want more jokes. :P

Four. One to hold the bulb and three to drink Guinness until the room spins.

q: why are the irish bad at math?

a: they think 26 + 6 = 1.

With the 26+6=1 joke.

I don't get it. Counties in Ireland and N. Ireland?

there's a common bumper sticker around here (Large irish popuLation) that has the "26 + 6 = 1"

one ireLand

Put him in a round room and tell him there's a Five pound note in the corner...

"Great, I got a month's vacation and three more leads!"

Put three shovels up against a wall and tell him to take his pick....

..as they stoll down the lane they notice a sign that says "Tree Fellers Needed"....One turns to the other and says "Geez, if only Paddy had been here...we'd of ALL got a job!!!"

Donovan takes the dog to his parish priest and asks if he will give it Last Rites. The priest, indignant, tells Donovan such an act would be blasphemous and tells him to take the dog to the Anglican church down the road and ask those heathens to perform the ceremony. Donovan, disconsolate, asks the priest if he thinks the Anglicans will charge more than $1,000.00 as that is all the money he has.

The priest replies "Donovan, why didn't you say the dog was Catholic?"

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub
for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I
won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did yenow. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won t he
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

...and semen white?

So an Irishman can tell if he's coming or going....

Pat was lying on his deathbed, moaning and carrying on. "Mike," he says, "I know I'm a goner."

"Oh, Paddy, have faith, ye still have years ahead uv yuh."

"No, Mick, I'm finished an' you've been such a great friend, there's one thing I'd like yuh to do when I'm gone."

Ahh, Paddy, I'll do anything you ask, I swear it to the Saints and the Holy Mother."

"Well, dear friend, I have been saving a jug of fine whiskey that my brother sent me some eight years ago, and I would like you to pour it on me grave when I'm buried."

Mike sits silently for a long time and Pat asks again, "will you o that for yer oldest friend,Mike?"

Mike draws a big breath and says, "Ye know I will Pat, but would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?'

Patio Furniture

Guy walks into a bar. There's another guy sitting at a table, nursing a drink. First guy gets a drink at the bar, then sits down at the table.

He says, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Oh, fancy that, I'm from Ireland as well! Let's have a drink to good old Ireland!"

"And what part of Ireland might you be from?"

"I'm from Dublin."

"Land sakes, I'm from Dublin as well! Let's have a drink to good old Dublin!"

"And in what parish were you brought up?"

"I was raised in the parish of St. Mary's."

"Faith and begorrah, I too come from St. Mary's! Let's have a drink to good old St. Mary's!"

Another guy comes in, and bellies up to the bar. "Anything happening tonight?"

Bartender answers, "It's a slow night-- just the McGonigle twins getting shitfaced again!"

Thank you, I'll be here all week.

How can you tell if a boomerang is Irish?

It doesn't come back but sits around getting drunk making up songs about how much it wants to...

so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.

and ask what the bartender has on tap. The bartender says he's got Bud, Guinness, and Miller. So the Budweiser CEO orders a Bud, the Miller CEO orders a Miller, and the Guinness CEO orders a glass of water.

"A glass of water?" spouted the shocked Budweiser CEO. "Sure that's all you want?" To which the Guinness man replied, "Nah...If you guys aren't going to drink any beer, I won't either. :beer:

Happy St. Patrick's Day.


Brits Out!

To teach the Irish to walk on their hind legs.

-an irish guy

An American, a Brit, and an Irishman are all sitting in bar having a drink. Suddenly, a fly lands in each of their beers.

The American, disgusted, pushes his glass away.

The Brit, on the other hand, looks at the fly, picks it out, and keeps drinking.

The Irishman, however, grabs the fly and begins to scream at it: "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!"

:smoke: :toast:

I love it!