Post your Army humor stories here

with apologies to LoZoccolo

and involve alcohol

in his tighty whites (first night in Germany)?

True story.

I have tons of them.

At Ft. Leavenworth , the MPs get a call from an Army wife living on base.
"Can you come pick up this Navy pilot from my lawn?"
The MPs come over to the house, and there's this totally guy naked lying buns up on the lawn, clutching a checkbook.

"OK, ma'am", says the MP, "what's this guy's name?" The lady slowly shakes her head, looking disgustedly at the unconscious hairy butt on her lawn "No idea" she says.

"No idea?" says the MP. "Then how'd you know he was a Navy Pilot?"
"Roll him over" she says, so they do. She waves her hand and says

"See? He's gotta be a Navy Pilot. He's got a big watch, a little dick, and he probably wants to cash a check"

Call the mechanics

You gotta break it to use it.

let's just say that i wound up on top of my tank, with my pants around my ankles and a 1000lb wild Boar on the ground grunting at me (and no toilet paper) x( :D

but they said her name was Gerta and she said you proposed-SHE WANTS HER DAMNED WASHING MACHINE!!!

:crazy:

-probably posted before-

The story ends with one guy up a tree kicking his fellow soldier trying to climb up the same tree "It's MY tree get your OWN!"

(cut to the next shift on the LP) One guy furiously scanning with the night vision googles-the other (me) holding an AT4 simulator backwards (backflash simulator ever ready).

that we were chased a Hawaiian streaker down the beach at two in the morning after ambushing him with a treeline's worth of 60's and M16 fire :D

My platoon in Korea was conducting a Team Building Exercise, which is a polite way of saying we were attempting to drink one beer at every bar in Itaewon. In one night.

Somewhere between the Hard Rock Club and the Heavy Metal Club, this guy who'd been in Korea all week asked us where the flower shop was because he'd met a nice American girl and wanted to get her some flowers.

Ol' Mike A. told him to go to the fire station, turn right, and go to the top of the hill. The Flower Shop is right there; you can't miss it.

The Flower Shop was one of the world's most famous brothels.

and sez, "Sergeant, I'm afraid PFC Smith's mother has died. Would you please let him know?"

"Sir! No problem, Sir!"

At platoon assembly, the sergeant assembles the troops: "Smith! Two steps forward! Your mother is dead! Two steps back!"

Well, there were repercussions, of course, so the captain calls the top kick back into his tent and sez, "Sergeant, I realize that you're a very direct speaking man, but in some cases a little indirect approach is appropriate. The next time this happens, please be less direct."

"No problem, sir!"

The next day, the captain calls in the top kick and sez, "Sergeant, PFC Kowalski's mother has died. Please let him know--oh, and remember. Be indirect about it."

"No problem, sir!"

Once again, the sergeant assembles the troops: "Men! Everyone whose mother is alive, two steps forward! NOT SO FAST, KOWALSKI!"

:spank:

During training time they were doing an excercise in personnel (this was early 90's so we are talking almost a DOS version) and they were running through how to delete a soldier (Cav) should something happen to them. They followed the training manual step by step and at the end when they should have reset the template some PFC hit ENTER or the F-key and whoosh away it went through the wires.

The Sgt. freaked. Immediately calls were made back to DC and so forth from Germany. Not only would the mechanisms of stopping this soldiers pay kick into gear but the local recruiter also would be notified and have to go out and tell the family.

The got it all resolved (we heard) but for a week or so this guy was "dead man walking" and several mock funerals (excuse to drink) were performed. Very mobid humor by hey it works.

Everyone had already jumped when GW, nervous, could not bring himself to the door. His CO begged, cajoled, and pleaded with him to no avail. Finally the CO screamed "Dammit, if you don't make this jump RIGHT NOW I'm gong to stick my **** up your *** !!!"

GW'a friends, spellbound, asked "So, did you jump?"

He responded "Sure, a little, at first."

...who looks and sounds like Frank Sutton (Gomer Pyle's Sergeant Carter), an E-7 in charge of my platoon in basic training. The E-5 and E-6 who assisted him had charge of us for the first day or two, and cheerfully informed us that we would loooooove him when we met him. So the stage is set for fear.

He made his first appearance at our first mail call, barking out names and handing out the envelopes, and then disappeared into his office, slamming the door.

A fellow in the next squad got an "interesting" photo from his girlfriend, in which she was wearing little or nothing (I never saw it). This sort of thing is/was verboten for recruits, and the poor guy was scared. "They're gonna smoke me, I know it!" he fretted. We advised him to be forthright, and to inform the drills of the possible contraband.

Practically trembling, he rapped on the office door. "Come in!" yelled the E-7 inside, and our buddy vanished within.

Long moments passed, and everyone in the bay was silent, waiting for the inevitable explosion. We waited, waited, waited.

The sergeant's voice rang out from behind the door. "Hey! I know her!"

--
That was one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed.

his buddies shaved a small patch of blond hair on his back.

It's huge and is made up of DARK hair now.

Another time he was passed out, they threw all his underwear away. He was so broke, he couldn't buy any replacements, then he got so used to going commando, he just never did buy underwear for the next several years (he wears it now, but went about nine years without underwear).

I can't tell his stories from Desert Storm, sorry.

and talking with some locals at a pub.

Him: "So, are you in the RAF?" (Royal Air Force)

Me: "No, the United States doesnt have an RAF."

Him: "You dont have an Air Force?"

Me: "No, we dont have a king."


that got me and my buddy a free beer.