Why is that some people are judged differently than others?

I'm not talking about class favoritism or necessarily being treated differently due to something like personal appearance. We've been told by people in the workforce that it's of the utmost importance to be a team player, to get along well with others, to have a bland and generic personality pleasing to all. However, there's invariably people in your workplace with totally abrasive personalities who couldn't manage or lead if their life depended on it. And yet these very same people rise into positions of authority and control. I'm sure many here can think of at least one person at work like this.

Romantically, a guy can be smooth with the ladies but less than a gentleman behind the bedroom door. He can talk dirty, suggest activities that shall we say press the envelope. But for some reason I've always felt that I'm expected to be a choirboy in whatever I do.
If I were to talk in the same manner or to make the same suggestions in bed she'd up and leave.

Why is it that some people can make a few offhand remarks and nothing is thought of it, while if someone like me does the same thing, maybe as little at the uttering of a single word does it cause anger? I've had this feeling of being judged by a whole different standard for as long as I can remember.

at work, there's a huge gap between how someone appears to a corworker and how the same person appears to a VP. Understanding how the VP sees it is the key, regardless of whether the impression is right or wrong.

Some negative traits are invisible to superiors. Others might be seen as positive. An overly demanding person may be seen as effective, for example.

And it's not just work. It's interpersonal relationships in general.

the VP might see this person 5 minutes a day and perceive them as "outgoing, aggressive, a go-getter" but you get stuck with them for 8 hours and can only come to the correct conclusion that they are an asshole.

I finally allowed myself to be ME. My opinion is as good as anyone else's. No one has to agree with me. I follow my own instincts now as opposed to others yesterday. It is a part of life that sometimes we care what others think. As far as family goes that is a "good thing." (Thank you Martha.) But you are you. It is no one else's business what you think. I had a sister-in-law, who if she thought at midnight there might be a speck of dust she had missed, would get up and remedy that. I used to take off my shoes to go into her living room so I wouldn't get dirt on the carpet. We referred to her as the White Glove. That was a waste of time for me because both of us put on our panties one leg at a time. We are both human.

These relationships directly impact my life whether at work or socially.
I guess that's one justification I have for being a loner. Being tired of being held to what I feel are higher expectations of behavior than others.

with it. You are someone special. No other person is your clone. Just be who you are, not what others want you to be. I speak from experiences similar to yours. It can be done. Never feel inferior to anyone else. It is truly liberation.

when she talked about not allowing others to belittle you without your permission. I'm working on that inferiority complex. It's just hard to reinforce a positive attitude at times when my shortcomings are all that I see and all that I receive feedback on.

'nuf said? :shrug:

Yeah, that'll do it! From NE Iowa too. That's a deadly combination. ;-)

I think there's a centuries old good 'ol boys club in this state that NON of us can break through.

Certain women are to marry certain men and certain people are to ascend to higher positions in business/politics.

No matter if you were born here or moved here the die has been cast and the rest of us are fillers.

The whole world is revolving around us and we're stuck in neutral!

Whether you live in New York City or New Providence, Iowa there's a good 'ol boys club. I know the feeling about being in neutral.

And I thought it was the corn and hog confinment facilities!

At least to someone like me who moved there from Wisconsin. There are exclusive clubs at all levels, not just the top. Socially, it is very hard to break in. It is not like they mean to be exclusive or are deliberately xenophobic. It is more like they have all of the friends that they want or need, and their friends and family have been with them all their lives. They have no time, or interest, in new relationships. Also, those personal, social connections are probably important for career advancement as well.
The whole midwest is probably like that, my parents said they felt like outsiders in my hometown, but I never noticed it because I had lived there my whole life. I certainly was not jealous of my classmates having more family nearby. I thought it was kinda cool that we did so much travelling every summer. Small town Wisconsin was like that too, except I found a larger percentage of immigrants so I was not so much of an outsider.

They all seem to have their own cliques, made up of people who they have known since childhood.It is hard to make friends when people do have all the friends that they already want.

I have felt like an outsider in some of the smaller towns (lived in Medford for a couple of months) and felt completely at home in bigger places (originally from Kenosha). It's the small town/bigger town/big city differences.

in Des Moines or there's a presidential primary.

and how she rose at Lucent and then became head of HP for several years. Amazing. HP will be recovering for years from her mismanagement.

I have seen many people like this in my career...someone in power makes them rise and the next thing you know they are screwing everything up for a few years.
Ken Lay
Bernie Ebbers
the list can go on forever.

Sometimes people rise beyond their own level of incompetence simply because the play the game well. Maybe that's what happens socially too. Someone knows how to play the game better with the opposite sex, or same sex as the case may be.

Also there is alot of hypocrisy in the world. Employers play lip service to the idea of "the team" but in reality, squeaky wheels, narcs, suck-ups and back-stabbers get ahead more than those who just play by the rules and try to help 'the team'.
Some people can get away with things because of their size, good looks, charisma, daring, or ruthlessness. I got to the point of my work attitude going from "the golden rule" to "what is in it for me" to "it is payback time". I think of myself as an ethical person, but I reason that I am leaving my ethics in the car when I goto work because they just make me a doormat and a sucker.
Of course, I only got that way because I was stuck as a temp. If I was really part of the team, I would think that attitude is unjustified. I also am not an ambitious person - I could give a sh*t about 'getting ahead', so I do not even play those games. I have found it enough of a struggle though, just to stay comfortable on the ground floor, or even to get on the ground floor.

It really depends on management.

In my current working situation I don't feel like I'm taken too much advantage of, but to get to this point I had to first learn the art of pitching a good fit and use it. Some of my co-workers now think I'm hell on wheels and fear me, some think I'm the most cooperative person they've ever worked with. Haven't had a good temper explosion in at least 3-4 years, now.

I've worked in other places that were so ego and politics free that people who worked with me would be shocked to see me behave the way I did on the way to my current situation.

In the meantime, don't worry about people who "get away with it." Just focus on your own shit, it's better for your stress levels.

what about romantically? I've had several occasions where I suggested we try a certain, shall we say, adult activity. She looks at me in disgust.
Later I find out she's been with others doing and enjoying the very same thing that I had asked her about. She didn't get upset with them. It's as if I'm expected to be something in their minds and when I'm not all hell breaks loose.

I would guess that it means she doesn't have the same feelings for you that she does for the other person.

I've heard that more than once or twice.

I don't know what it is you're talking about specifically, but for the sake of argument, we'll say it's some kinda kink.

I don't know your situation, but is it possible that you may be uptight about it, yourself, and that's creating some negative tension? Or approaching it in some way that she feels threatened in a bad way? Being asked to perform a service and maybe feels she won't be getting much enjoyment out of it, herself?

Personal chemistry cannot be dictated. Some people feel comfortable enough with each other to try or do just about anything. Some don't. Move on and find someone you do have that kind of chemistry with.

the more gentlemanly guy - and early on learned to steer clear of the jerk. He only gets jerkier and jerkier in most cases - and I have very low tolerance for jerks in relationships.

I grew up feeling like "the unworthy person". I always felt like people treated me differently, and I actually think this was the case. Then I went to college and one day noticed that people were treating me as an equal, upon meeting me, not assuming that I was "different" or inferior to them in anyway. Then I stopped assuming that other people saw me as "unworthy". This changed a lot of things for me and allowed me to be more sociable and judged as less weird and different. Unfortunately, in small town Wisconsin, I do feel "differnt" here and not accomplished enough and have reverted a bit. It seems to me that many people key into the signals that show what we think about ourselves in relation to other people. That is a big part of how we are judged.

Be who you feel comfortable being and eventually the other stuff will work itself out if you're with the right person or people. I spent far too long letting others define me based upon their expectations and their own damned shit when who I am within myself is just fine the way it is. Sometimes too, even when it's good on a sexual level, other factors can get in the way of making in sustainable.