My Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this real slow, because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we
moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't
have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and
pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days, and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; -- your Uncle Billy-Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the big buttons on, so we
had to cut them off. You can find them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. It's the dangdest
thing, but the baby looks just like your oldest brother.

Uncle Bobby-Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated;--
he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bubba was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends, Cletus and Buford, were in the back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
has happened. I was going to send you some money, but I had already
sealed the envelope.

Love Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

I swear there is a conspiracy out to get us DUers to laugh to death.

LMFAO

Good stuff!:)