Dealing with death.

My family has seen a lot of death the last 20 years, starting with my father when my mom was just a few weeks pregnant with me. My Grampa Gadd died when I was 4. My older brother died when I was 9, at the age of 15. My great grandmother, expectedly, just died a couple years ago, if even that. Soon after that, my gramma's cousin. Soon after that, my grandma's niece. The last thing any of us expected was for Benjamin, my cousin, to be the next to go. I keep telling myself, he is in a better place now. This world is so cruel.
Before he died, I was under the impression that the next time it happened, I would be able to handle it better. That it would be easier after having dealt with it in the past.
Boy, was I wrong...
Benjamin and I had developed a pretty tight bond over the last few years. He was scared of me when he was younger... well, he was scared of everyone. I can picture him as a small child, hiding behind my uncle's legs, peering out at the rest of us. He was such a sweet gentle little boy...
About 3 years ago, during a Christmas party at our Grandma's, I overheard that he was having trouble in school- he wasn't doing his work because it was all too boring for him. So I decided to talk to him about it- I told him about my parents lives and how hard they had to work because they didn't graduate. I told him about how I regretted the fact that I had done the same thing, quit doing my work. It was due to this conversation that he realized that I cared deeply for him, and that opened the gateway for him to start talking to me.
He was only 14 when he died. During the couple of years before his passing, he was becoming a very liberal young man. Anti-war, anti-Bush, pro-peace, pro-environment, pro-gay marraige, pro-equality for all. He knew about all the things going on in the world, and really cared about it. I was so proud of him!
It just tears me up inside that he didn't get a chance to grow and become the activist he wanted to be. It tears me up that no one really got the chance to know who he was becoming as a person.

Now I am not looking for sympathy. I get quite enough of that from my family, my man, and my friends. I just needed to write out my feelings, again, as I am still trying to cope with this.
I was a fool for thinking that the next death in my family would be easier to bear. Because... this one has been the hardest for me.
Anyways. I feel a little better now. I am just trying to put this all in perspective... everytime I write about him, I feel just a little bit better.

It is good to think of his spirit.

he was a very special young man.

One just last December, and A third one is sick now with multiple myeloma.

I am very careful about "romantic idealism" about the hereafter, it can lead to so many dangerous mistakes, so I've regarded death pretty carefully, and I know now that those whom we love are not gone. They have changed into something else, and the unique principle that called each one forth out of chaos, and put him/her together, and set his/her feet on their path in life, what I think of as each person's principle, continues. They would never have been in the first place if that weren't true.

My cousin lives on in the hearts and memories of the rest of us who are still here.

He was in Tae Kwon Do, and went to many tournaments, won many medals, trophies. The group he did that with set up a fund in his name, to help poor kids get to tournaments that they wouldn't be able to afford otherwise.