Anyone ever read the Week in Craig? HILARIOUS shit there.

This woman named Amy Blair scours Craigslist for the weirdest shit out there and then makes fun of it on her site.

http://www.blacktable.com/archive/craigarchive.htm

This goes out to the woman whom I am forced to look at straight in the ugly-ass face every morning, 5 days a week. She turns my office-existence into one of hatred, and I don't mean normal, grumpy, everyday hatred, I'm talking about the purest of the pure kind-of hatred. The kind that is created in hell by little fire-demons and travels from the underworld until it reaches the earth below you thus seeping into your feet, up through your legs, into your body until it reaches every crevice of your soul. She is, and always will be, the Office Manager from hell.

I hate you, I hate your hair, I hate your existence. You come into work thinking that you're the shit and the only reason why you are in the position that you are is because you've worked in the same damn place for your entire adulthood.

You always complain about how you're allergic to everything, well you must be allergic to toothpaste because your breath smells like an animal crawled in there, took a shit and died. You smell like a dirty, shitty, dead animal you filthy whore.

Your life is your job, but you suck at your job. So you must suck at the rest of your life as well.

You hate me because I am a threat. Not only am I smart and educated, but I have a cute ass. Everyone likes me because I'm good at what I do. You hate me cause you know you're a filthy whore who smells like dirty, shitty, dead animal.

Sometimes I wish our entire operation would close down and you would be out of a job because no one would hire a stupid, ugly woman with dirty, shitty, dead animal breath.

Just because you have a real Coach bag or a Prada bag doesn't mean you are classy. You are still a whore from a trashy family with bad hair who can't dress. Unfortunately the bag does not make the woman, especially if she has dirty, shitty, dead animal breath. Next year, please do not trade in your dental plan for a pocketbook that is worth more than you.

In short, you are just plain wierd. It's wierd how you outline, scheme and tactically plan every word that comes out of your mouth so that it, in some way, shape, or form tortures and/or ruins someone's day in the office. And it almost always involves your dirty, shitty, dead animal breath.

I'm sorry that you are a miserable person, with a miserable life, and a miserable existence. But that does not mean that you have to make mine just as miserable. The sad part is that you will never succeed, because you will never be as smart, educated, personable, young or as pretty as me. Especially not with that dirty, shitty, dead animal breath.

I can't wait until the day I can walk into your office, grab you by the face, reach in and remove the dirty, shitty, dead animal that crawled in your mouth the day you were born, and then pour listerine into the nasty orface that I have to endure 5 days a week.

Until that day, I will smile to myself in my cozy, safe little cubicle, knowing that I am better than you and that you will never succeed in making my life miserable. I am a happy person, but you....you are just a filthy whore with dirty, shitty, dead animal breath.

(Then we get Amy's comments:)

Woah. "Not only am I smart and educated, but I have a cute ass. Everyone likes me because I'm good at what I do. You hate me cause you know you're a filthy whore who smells like dirty, shitty, dead animal." How many times I have said that to my grandma, I can't even begin to tell you…


I read that site and laugh until I cry. Here's another:

HELLO, AND I HOPE THIS DOESN'T SOUND WEIRD . BUT I'M ASKING FOR A FEMALE BECAUSE
I WANT TO PERICE SOME WHERE DOWN IN THE TESTICAL AREA. NOT A PRINCE ALBERT.OUCH
AND NOT COOL WITH ANOTHER DUDE HANDELING ANY PART OF MY FUN ZONE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I DON;T KNOW JUST YET WHAT OR HOW I WANT IT , MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE SOME SUGGESTIONS. MY GIRL FRIEND WILL BE WITH ME, SO ITS NOT AT ALL A SEXUAL
THING. JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO PERICE A SENSITIVE PART , WITH OUT HURTING/KILLING ME.LET ME KNOW A PRICE TO PLEASE.

Seriously, man. It's so not cool having another dude handling your fun zone when you go to get the testical area periced. Anyway, if you want me to do it, I'm totally good with the sensitive parts. And I'm a female. Let me know if you're into it. I'm a fantastic pericer and I've got a lot of suggestions. Just as long as you swear it's not a sexual thing.

******************************

LOOKING FOR EXTRA GUYS WHO WANT TO PLAY SOME SMASHMOUTH FOOTBALL. EMIAL ME FOR MORE INFO. BRING YOUR FRIENDS THE MORE THE BETTER.


Ok, this time I'm absolutely certain that smashmouth football in the East River MUST be gay-speak for some kind of super kinky boy-on-boy action. Please tell me it is? Please? I feel so repressively straight that I've never heard of it … in my day, it was all about leather man-thongs and anonymous BJs through glory holes. Now the kids need something called "smashmouth football in the East River?" What's up?

I was laughing out loud and got a little carried away. OK, I was crying and laughing like a hyena! My husband just hollared up the stairs about what was so funny. Last he knew when he saw me 15 minutes ago I was folding laundry which I really hate doing! He must think I have a psychiatric illness.

:rofl: