I'm such an idiot! (Angry, Incoherent Rant)

I officially HATE my family. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE -- did I mention HATE them all?

My evil father died a month ago. I was gracious and "forgave" the SOB when he "apologized" three weeks before he died, and was being "the good daughter" (like I had been for most of the 34 years before the bastard died). I'm not on speaking terms with the brothers and sisters (who all sided with the "Ida is an unreasonable bitch who should just drop the idea of drug testing the teenage heroin addict because it upsets Dad" argument my asshole father was putting out), but I still gave an amazingly awesome eulogy.

So, now I've been the one helping my mother with the financial stuff she's got to go through with my father's death. I sat with her for hours at the bank on Thursday while she got the checking accounts and stuff under control, and to my amazement, was put on the checking account 'in case of emergencies' -- which makes sense. The bank lady told my mother she needs to make sure I'm the Executor of my mother's estate (since I'll be the person who has access to all the money). I went with her on Friday to the Social Security Office while we got that stuff under control. I got her an appointment with a financial advisor whom my husband and I respect a great deal for Wednesday, and we just spent the entire damn day going over every single financial paper she has -- I know EVERYTHING about her financial matters, and we are the only ones she has ever "disclosed" this much stuff to. Despite my repeated "double checks" about including any of my other siblings in on these meetings, she has said over and over again that she doesn't want them involved.

So, imagine my shock when I found out that she "privately" told my husband that I'm going to be neither her Executor nor one of the Trustees. You see, despite my reputation for being scrupulously honest, she's afraid that it will "upset" my brothers and sisters. My husband told her that I will probably be "hurt" but she thinks the rest of them would involve lawyers, and I'm sacrificial -- the same as always....

I am so MAD at the moment. I feel like I just got punched in the gut AGAIN -- I'm good enough to do all the work, but "the boys" are going to be put in charge. I am beyond words LIVID PISSED right now -- but, since my husband had the conversation "in confidence" I can't even talk about it with her right now. It was going to be sprung as "a surprise" when she dies. I feel so God Damned BETRAYED AGAIN!!!

Financially, my husband and I are the most sound of all of my siblings; I am also my mother's first born, with all of the completely normal assertive / responsible characteristics that go along with that position. My husband is an accountant, and I am of good character. There is no reason for this. It is just an inexcusable INSULT -- even with my SOB father dead, it doesn't look like anything is going to change....

How do I handle this? I'm not that much of an actor that I can pretend not to care -- my husband really didn't expect me to react with such insult, or he wouldn't have told me (which would have caused problems between the two of us). At this moment I don't ever want to speak to her ever again -- and it isn't the money which is upsetting me -- its the INSULT!!!

:cry: :cry: :cry:

BEFORE the healing from the insult can begin. You're at wits end, so you shouldn't just TAKE the insult.

On the other etreme you have an attatchment that can't enable you to alienate yourself from your hurtful, untrusting family...

If she "doesn't want" your siblings involved in her matters, who DOES she want to help her out?

or is incapable of managing her own affairs (with the Trust). Then we are supposed to butt out, because "the boys" will be taking care of stuff (and I'm supposed to trust their judgment, which is more than a little suspect in the common sense department at the moment).

I am also I guess officially "alienated" but apparently I was harboring a secret hope that this wasn't a permanent state of affairs, and that they would eventually "see the light" AND APOLOGIZE; perhaps my mother is being more realistic than I am....

ALL the benefits? :wtf:

Specifically, she wants to make sure her estate is divided into six equal portions, with no lawyers being involved. She seems to believe that my brothers can be trusted to do the right thing. I don't trust my brothers; they have always played stupid to the detriment of others, while I am an incredibly thorough and anal retentive person (which is good, when it comes to other people's money).

If only to protect your own interests. If they try to screw you through some "lapse of judgement" you'll be able to get your due through legal protection. A good lawyer can make them afraid enough to suddenly NOT "forget" to do the right thing.

Part of me is saying "keep it all, you bitch!" while the other is going "damn right I'm going to hire a lawyer!" I don't need her money, and frankly don't expect it to be an issue for another twenty years or so, but everything is still pretty fresh right now. I just am having trouble wrapping my head around the fact she'd treat me like this....

:cry: :cry: :cry:

"unintentionally." It would also protect you from having to deal with the hostility between you and them for the next tewnty years if they do screw you.

It's much easier to explain away the need to get a lawyer to handle legal issues than it is betrayal within a family.

Your mom has already furt you and your brothers might intentionally or unintentionally. At least the latter can still be prevented.

She knew your husband would tell you. I think she enjoys pitting ya'll
against one another. Face it head on; talk with her.

before he told me. He honestly didn't expect me to react with such anger because -- I'm not sure why -- I'm kind of mad at him at the moment for not defending me and my honor. (Now doesn't THAT sound melodramatic?)

I think you are also correct that she enjoys the drama; she is very much responsible for the horrible family dynamic my father worked so hard to create. One minute she says stuff like "they can't make me choose between my children" and the next SHE is choosing between her children! ARGH!!!

I like radwriter's suggestion. It also has the added benefit of getting your husband out of the dog house. :)

this week. Also, I am *NOT* a great actress; I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to face her this week without blowing up in her face about this. I feel positively ill...:(

She *must* have known that he would tell you. I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but not saying that she is intentionally trying to drive a wedge between you.

And the dramatic announcements like "I can't choose between my children" are some kind of shit tape that she plays in her head when she feels guilty for contributing to the terrible family dynamic you have now.

The mom and the dad are responsible for creating a positive, loving family dynamic. Period.

you don't want to handle her affairs. Suggest one of your other siblings. Tell her that you don't want to be executor or to have any responsibility, and to have your name taken off all the accounts.

Let her handle it all on her own, just that you don't feel you have the ability to handle her affairs and leave it at that. Then make all the appointments with all the right people and take your name off everything.

Do it all with a smile and suggest that your brother John is MUCH brighter than you and far more capable. With a BIG smile!

Then guess what? Your involvement is ALL DONE. And you've maintained your character, ethic and dignity.

I don't think she is planning on telling me that she isn't going to have me listed as a Trustee; she will pull some clever "I don't want to discuss it" stuff so that I don't find out until after she is gone or when she isn't capable of managing her affairs. If my husband hadn't told me, I would then be "surprised" because I would be thinking (based on our conversations of this week) that I was going to be responsible. If I make a point of taking my name off accounts and such this week (before the Trust is written), then it will be obvious my husband told me.

you don't need these people and neither does your husband. You don't have to deal with those who treat you badly just because they are related to you. Run away! Run away!

on edit: okay, that's probably too harsh. But I still think you should cut your losses and get out, even if it means that you out your husband as a tattle tale.

hence the title of my post -- "I'm An Idiot." (smile) Outing my husband as a tattle tale -- I like the phrasing. It might be a happening thing: I don't know if I'm going to be able to face her without saying something, so I guess I shouldn't see her. Or talk to her. Or anything because I will start yelling. My frustration level with the stupidity is pretty high.

"Sorry, Mom. I've got a really bad headache." be irresponsible. it will make you feel better.

Oh, and I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time with this. I hope it gets better.

time and intelligence, that you're too fearful of ALL that responsibility. Let her draw her own conclusions, but refuse to do it and stick to a simple story of why not.

You feel like you're letting her down, you know, but it's just too much responsibility for you. You're so sorry, but you think your brother is just way better off handling these issues.

Stick to your story and back out. Let her handle it all on her own.

Why bother doing it HER way? She's lying and coniving and manipulating. Best her at her own game by refusing to play.

Honestly you will feel soooooo wonderful if you do this. A burden will be lifted from your shoulders because you refused to play her game. Suddenly you will feel empowered and in control, I PROMISE.

You have NOTHING to lose by taking control in this passive manner, by telling a simple tale and keeping the peace. And ultimately you win by refusing to play her game. That is the only solution to all this unless you want to continue to feel miserable unless long after she dies.

I don't pretend that is good advice: that's just my way. I tell everyone to go deal with their own bullshit and quit bothering me. And I sleep well at night.

I am also extremely hurt. She has reopened a wound that I thought was healing, and caused damage to our relationship. I can't think of how to fix it without injuring her relationship with my husband, who she spoke to in confidence. And if you really think telling your recently widowed mother that she can deal with her own bullshit is something you could honestly do, well, I guess you are a much more sensible human being than I am. :(

I haven't even read any of the responses yet, this hit so close to home. I anticipate the same situation in my family. I'm also the first born, most responsible, most settled, but my completely dysfunctional, and probably borderline manic/depressive brother will be made the executor for my parent's estate.

Frankly, it really doesn't matter that much to me. We don't need their money, if they have any, and in some ways it will make it easier for me because I won't have to deal with his end-games if I were the one made responsible for this. I can stay detatched and accept whatever develops. Sorry to go on about my own situation, back to you.

Why did your mother tell your husband? Could she *imagine for a minute* that he wouldn't tell you??? You SHOULD feel betrayed. She is using you to help her because she knows you're the only one she can really trust, but she doesn't manifest that in any way to the others in your family. She sounds like a weak, and probably not very smart person. (Sorry, I know she's your mom, so if I am projecting my own experience onto you, I apologise.)

I hope you can come to accept the inevitablity that your family will continue to hurt you. They are not functional people, and you are. They are not sentitive people, and you are. They are not people who can be depended upon, and you are. They are incapable of appreciating you, because you are everything they are not, and never will be because they have chosen to remain dysfunctional. They probably resent the hell out of you for having your act together.

Can you get to a place where you don't have to act? Where you really don't care? If I remember correctly, you were pretty much there before you got pulled into things with your father's death. Can you get there again?

Family is optional.

You have been deemed the One To Kick.

Nothing will change that.

You know this.

I can tell by the way you write.

Accept the truth. They will hurt you. Again and again. Because it is their tradition to do so.

They can not argue with tradition.

Walk away.

Create your OWN family, and raise them with love.

Save yourself.

Refuse them the pleasure of hurting you.

Or, just go back and TAKE IT SOME MORE. But, if you go back, shut up about it.

You now know that I know.

at my Mom's funeral, I know that kick in the gut type feeling.

I don't know what to suggest.


All I can offer is a hug..I know how you're feeling.


:hug:

puts him in a bad spot.I would wait a few days and talk to her and tell her what you know. I wouldn't try to change anything she has set up. It will only bring you grief in the end. Let the others deal with it all and of course you will end up with the scraps. But you wont care you will have done the right thing. Good luck.!!!!!