Uh, people use the word 'love' waaay too freely.

Can you really, honestly fall in love with someone you barely know? It's easy to fall in lust; but to really get to know someone and to really develope something, I believe it truly takes time before you're in love with them. I don't understand how people go from relationship to relationship (sometimes in short periods of time) and claim they love someone so deeply. :shrug: Maybe it's just me, but I certainly don't use that word like it's nothing. Anyone have any opinions on this?

fall in love with somebody they barely know? Staying in love is where you really get to know them.

There's a difference.

love. Not just lust and love.

Infatuation can be a bit deceptive and confusing :).

Hence the point of my thread. I just think (like I said, all my opinion) it takes a lot for someone to fall in love (and continue to be) in love with a person. And I don't think that happens unless both people involved are content with themselves.

I'm very carefull when it comes to the word, I've only used it once and that was when it came to my last g/f and I don't honestly think I did. The girlfriend I just got into a relationship has done more for me and cared for me in one week then my last one did in 7 months. This one actually cares about how I feel about alot of things and WANTS to make me happy, maybe I will fall in love this one but I'm going to wait for things to play out and actually know for a fact that I do before I use the word.

on edit: I'm starting to wonder if it was my post that sparked this thread, as for falling in 'lust'. I wasn't falling in 'lust' when I saw her interacting with her youngest son, that'd be just wrong.

Too many people use it too freely and in too many ways. When it's used that freely, it starts to lose all meaning and becomes just another word.

If it is shared and expressed freely...if people start to realize how loved they are...then the world becomes a better place.

For instance...I love you. I think you're wonderful, and you always make me laugh.

so there. :P

But we're talking about two different things here. You mean love in general, I meant falling IN love with someone. Like I can say I love you and I totally mean that. DUers are the most wonderful people I've ever met and you all share a place with me. But just because I love you doesn't mean I'm IN love with you. :D

It just means I don't loathe you quite as much as the rest of the planet :evilgrin:

Very funny. :sarcasm:

:D

I am actually a rather analytical person so I have been trying to explain the phenomena and the different feelings that I have for different people.
My husband and I "fell in love" right away. Within two weeks of "going together", I was taking care of him with mono and was doing it out of love, not because I had to. When I did that for him, he said that he knew that he really felt love towards me.
With friends, true caring seems to develop more gradually, but there are some people who I have almsot instantly connected with and had a level of caring as strong as anything within a few months.
When you know someone for a longer time though, you can know whether or not it is wise to love them. I have felt strong feelings for an SO or friend which changed when he or she did something that showed his or her true character and/or he or she outright dumped me. It doesn't mean that my feelings weren't valid and as a result, I ended up rather hurt. When you've been through trying situations together over time, you can know whether or not your feelings are well placed. Enduring love is something special.

Your sentence about whether or not it's wise to love someone is probably the best thing I've heard in awhile. I know I'm guilty for making that mistake when it's just infatuation.

as many ways to love as there people, creatures, experiences, and even objects on the planet.

Jungians always make the distinction between romantic and committed love. Romantic love can indeed be spurious but can also be intensely intoxicating. Committed love often must withstand the test of time, the duration of which some approximate somewhere between 4 & 7 years.

Just a theory though yet it's always made a lot of sense to me.

Yet I have often fallen in love really quickly and been aware of a depth connection right away and have gone with that instinct, to wildly varying ends.

I also feel that the heart capacity to love is quite infinite and that once one loves someone, it's eternal. . . even if you no longer get along, or hold them in high regard, or can't trust them as far as you can throw them.

I can certainly see your point, especially the last sentence. You can yell at each other until your blue in the face, but it doesn't change the fact that deep down you're still in love with them.

I think it's a series of lessons. That you make think you are in love, at that time. And then later on find something even deeper than what you had. You don't know until you experience it for yourself. So I would qualify "love" as whatever it means to the user. :hi:

Series of lessons describes it perfectly. :)

To know him is to love him, eh? I mean... come on! Anyone with half a brain would just want to run right up and give him a big hug at first sight!

:loveya:

-- Allen

old hug you want! You flatter me by flattering him! :loveya:

Actually, my wife and I aren't big on spouting the word.

I'm sure love is more than a word, it's an action. Which is what it's supposed to be. Hence, don't tell me 100 times how much you love someone (that you've known for a week), go be with that person and show them. /rant

You either know someone loves by how they are when they are with you. They can say it to you a million times but it doesn't mean that they do. If they are asking you what's wrong when you something seems to be on your mind, if they are asking you what makes you happy and wants to know more and more about you, they worry about there reactions because they don't want to make you unhappy or upset. They fully express themselves around you and show deep care and affection for you that does more then just simply say 'I love you'. She hasn't said she loved me but she says she says she cares deeply for me, thinks I'm really special and wants me to happy which does more for me then 'I love you'. I spend as much time with her as much as I possibly can, I really do. She stays with her brother because she moved here from Illinois about a month ago but he is very cautious about other men because she has been hurt in the past. He is always asking her if I tell her what to do which I never do. We are going to the park later today (Actually much later because it'll be near 100 today) and then to the movies in the evening.

/still think my post sparked this thread

But it wasn't just your situation that got me thinking about the subject. There's another girl at work that basically set it off. All I'm saying is that you said you were so in love with the last girl you were with (and you very well could have been), but then you move on so quickly after that and are so deeply connected to this person as well? I know for me, personally, I can't just switch emotions like that. If I truly love someone, I can't give my heart to someone else right away.

In the beginning of Romeo and Juliet, he's all bellyaching about Rosalind. Like, the next night or something he's all about Juliet.

That can be kind of perplexing.

I'm a hopeless romantic at heart so I can appreciate it. But how did he KNOW he loved her? He could've reallly reallly liked her. He certainly didn't know her that well. :shrug:

I was like...whoa. This whole time I've heard how Romeo and Juliet are just *the* lovers, they're just soooo in love...meanwhile, Romeo is all brokenhearted over this other chick?

Can you say rebound LOL?

But then, I figured that's why they're teenagers, who take everything ultra seriously.

Ah, teenage angst. :D Gotta dig it!

And like I said, I'm not in everyone's position. I just mean that, in general, I tend to see a lot/hear a lot about love that makes no sense to me.

I actually didn't know what it really was but it wasn't love. She was too self-centered and I don't actually know why I was with her so long, actually her sister threatened to have something done to me if I hurt her so I made a promise to myself Never to hurt her. But while all that happened she was hurting me and I was really confused. When I finally realized what I wanted I left. It wasn't such a short period of time between the 2, it was actually a couple months but in this case she is furtherst thing from being self-centered and says 'The advice and support I give her I should give to myself more'. Basically she is the person I've been waiting for my ex to come out, I thought if I was as close to perfect to her as I possibly can she would appreciate me and try to do the best she can for the relationship. But the truth is I can say I did everything I could for the relationship and she couldn't. After things didn't work out I was very carefull about the kind of people I'd get involved with, the person had to be supportive, caring, and an overall good person and I met someone who is.

I don't get into relationships easily, I have to open up to the person first and feel more comfortable around her and that takes a little awhile. She allowed me to feel comfortable around her and express myself and I try to make sure she can too. It isn't like I'm just aimlessy going into one relationship into the next, I'm actually questioning my feelings for her all the time like "Do I really care for her" and all the questions I keep asking myself are always "Yes" except for the 'Love' one, I answer that one by telling myself to give it some time to see where things go. I hope you understand.

I'm not saying Champ uses the word too freely. I'm not saying Champ doesn't know what love is. This really isn't all about you, I promise.

I'm glad you got out of a bad relationship and I'm glad you're happy now. But you really don't need to explain this stuff to me as long as you feel it in your heart.

I was just making sure you weren't getting the wrong impression that is why I went into detail. :hi:

You've also been a really good friend to me and offered really great advice during that thing with the ex so that is also why I explained to you the way I did. I'm sorry if I made it so long, it only took me about a minute to type :)

I just didn't want you to think I was specifically calling you out. :hug: I'm here for you anytime and you know that. I really do wish the best for you in your current relationship.

I talked to her just awhile ago, I was going to meet her at the park after I got back from the mall but I'm delaying. x( She wants(She actually suggested, she said she will never make me do anything I don't really want to do) me to get new shoes because the ones I have now are tore up.

I wish you the best in your relationship with the marine(I hope you're still with him).

But thank you anyway. :) I'm not so sure I'm secure enough with myself right now to be in one. We're just um... friends. He's overseas currently but oh well. (and thank you btw).

Have a great time!

Because I've had it said to me by someone who didn't know the situation or what they were talking about.

I don't claim to love everyone, and I do agree the word "love" is overused, but I don't need to know someone 2, 3, 4 years before I determine I love him.

Is there an acceptable time so I can know for the future? Do you count by hours spent with them, or days?

on edit: I change my answer to stellanoir's!

That certainly wasn't my intention. And you're right, I don't know every person's situation (which is why I said this was my opinion). And I didn't say there was a time limit or a certain amount of days in order to fall in love with someone. I'm just saying that I think some people make the mistake of confusing love with infatuation/lust.

Sorry!
:pals:

I should have included a disclaimer--I'm still raw about my particular situation. I think often love is confused for a lot of things. Infatuation and lust certainly, but in my opinion, security can be confused as love too. One of the reasons I think there is such a high divorce rate in this country is that many people get married because they go "Well, we've been together for a while and haven't had any problems...must be love, right?"

:pals: And no need to worry. :)

And the security thing, I agree with! I don't think that just because you've been with someone forever means you automatically should get married. You have to WANT to be married to them.

I believe if the person is really good to you and cares for you it can happen right away especially if you 2 have alot in common.

The one I'm with now, we talk about each other all the time because we WANT to know more and more about each other. I never met anyone who wanted to know about me, asked for my opinion and alot of issues, and tells me what I do for her means alot to her. Based on that I already care for her much more then I ever did then anyone else but now I'm wondering how long I should wait before I can 'truly love her'

I think a post of mine in another thread(which I didn't say I loved her) sparked this one but if I'm wrong I apologize but like you said people who say that Don't know the situation or how the interactions between the 2 of us went.

I honestly do feel for her because of how the situation her life is at now and she is a very real (Not fake like my last SO) person and is good to everyone and doesn't do anything to mess over anyone. She deserves better is what I mean and I aim to do as much as I can for her as long as everything turns out fine. Unlike everyone else I've met, I'm growing more attracted to her the more I get to know her rather then less attracted when I got to know how someone really is. I may not love her now but I eventually will and I don't feel the emotion 'love' freeley and I'm VERY carefull of who I get involved with.

It wasn't just your post, it's a thought of mine I have a lot. I never said you said you loved her.

And I apologize for it. I know there alot of people who may think they are in love but they're not, everyone should question themselves all the time over the feelings they have for another person.

who said he loved me the day after we met. I was just like, whatever. We broke up a month later! :rofl:

See, that's what I'm saying!

My last one said she loved me the 2nd day we met. Just the suddeness freaked me and I should've left then, but it really drove me crazy and she was the first relationship I've gotten into in about 2 YEARS so I was lonely at the same time, that is probaly why I stayed with her so long. Truth is if she did love me, she didn't show it. I'm smarter then that now and she wasn't anything special as far as I'm concerned, you yourself is 1000x better of a person then she is.

Whoops! Thought that reply was for me! My bad. :blush:

Actually

Thank you. :D

i need to pay more attention to where the posts are. Sorry!

:hug:

so do you! :hug:

That was very nice of you!

But I'm very sure you're better person then my ex who is now in Jail.

sorry 'bout that... not payin attention.

....those high school romances just symbolize commitment, don't they?...:spray:

ps...:rofl:

Definately! I can't imagine being married to ANY of the people I dated in high school... UGH

don't you believe in a love at first sight?

no not lust...love

I think I've been hurt enough times to realize there's not such a thing. I can be in total lust or infatuation, but I can't love someone within the instant I know them. I may get a feeling that they're going to be a part of my life, but that's as far as it goes. And I don't mean to sound like some hag, I just know what I've been through and I don't want that to happen anymore. I'm not a typical 19 year old naieve girl that thinks I'm going to meet the man of my dreams in an instant. (And trust me, I really want to find that man).

that people who know each other for years never fall in love
and as careful as you can be...you may never find love you can trust

You can't throw around that word. It hurts too many people and in most cases, it could've been avoided. I never meant to say there was a time limit on being in love, but just that generally people don't mean it when they say it.

and liars are two different things

you have to accept that being hurt is part of being in love...

and as you imply...there are no time limits...it could take a lifetime or take hold in between the beats of your heart.

Which is why I have a more realistic approach to love. I know that hurt is a part of it and I'm going to be hurt many more times. That doesn't mean I have to let my guard down and tell someone I love them before I'm ready to.

Take your wife - how did you know you loved her?

never said i did

took place over a two year period...had a couple of lovers and over time she was the only one left standing...and from that point it was just evolution...sex and dating...her moving in...time in grade...engagement...wedding...kids...

i was about 36 years old when we met...and certainly had passed by a few "love of my lifes"...so i did not think i could really find a so called true love after having blown a couple early on...ran thru a few true loves by the time i was out of my 30's

but...in my wifes case love has come in between the diapers and the tragedies and the vomit and the times of clear calmness...
yes I've known love at first sight...but in my wifes case it has taken hold over a period of years.

:) And I'm glad you found love again. You're a wonderful person and you truly deserve it!

very few on this sphere truly want to be hurt or hurt others.

Yet, from time immemorial, and most sadly, pain and pleasure have been seemingly inextricably interwoven on this planet.

And as the old expression goes. . .Cupid truly has two sorts of arrows. . .one that makes two people fall in love, and the other that makes this one fall in love with that one who then falls in love with that one. Ughhhhhh.

It really just comes down to two factors. . . love and fear.

Love is the greatest mystery of all.

Most romantic entanglements that become dashed only do so due to fear and discomfort with the absolute vulnerability that one feels with another during intimacy. That coupled with a miasma of inappropriate and thoroughly sometimes bogus sometimes not projections, But perhaps in a way, that's a healthy litmus test, over time.

Just bare in mind that distrust is not the same as discernment.

And mistrust can become a "self fulfilling prophesy" that inherently and ultimately breeds betrayal.

I'm hoping that you have a better experience very soon as I just did after a very long abyss.

Just never lose faith.

I wrote a "fun contract" last fall. I had reconnected with an old lover who I had most unceremoniously dumped three years prior.

At the time I thought OMG we live in such a litigeous culture and have contracts for everything. . .but the one thing that truly creates value in life . . .fun (i.e. happiness) we have no rules about.

Never bothered to get him to sign it but I know things would have gone differently if I had.

It's a pretty funny but very realistic contract and I felt at the time I had unwittingly stumbled upon the secret of healing all interpersonal dynamics. LOL As if. . .?

Let me know if you want me to post it.

And best to you.

and some people dont define love the same way you do.

And I never said anyone had to define love the way I do. I'm just saying, I think that the word itself is over used. You can say you love someone all you want, but if you don't show it, how does that count?

just different...some people are believers in instant madly and deeply love others in lasting love. in my opinion its not mine to judge which is a better love, thats all.

i am sure you are quite capable of loving but different people love differently

and i personally dont think there is much difference in either really. no matter how many years you love someone its still a finite amount of time

And for the record, I do believe in deep and lasting love. just not instantly. :D

love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,
love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,
love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,
love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,
love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,
love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,
love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,

love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,

love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,
love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,love,




too much? or would you like more, ma'dam?

:spank: lol

is to tell her he loves her when he doesn't.

It hurts both parties involved.

mean my wife looks over at me in the car and asks if i farted..
it's not "really" a lie if i say no?

that's deep man...

and it would have been easier to just say it rather than let things hit the skids.
there's an implied level of commitment (for some of us) that goes along with it that's difficult to live up to. and if i can't say it without reservation, i won't bother. the only guy i really loved knew it, he didn't need to hear it.
but i really do fall for people instantly, friends as well. and i keep loving them no matter how we change and things get strained. but i don't have any expectations that people are perfect or they're on this earth just to make me happy, i take them for what they are, and enjoy them as much as i can, for as long as i can.
i'm with progmom on this, there's not enough good old fashioned unconditional love to go around. people are too insecure and concerned with what's in it for them or what the consequences are.
sheesh, it just misses the point to try to stay three steps ahead of what is really simple and wonderful on it's own.

just finished having sex with this rich young lady...we were in her million dollar casa laying on silk sheets and she turns to me and says..."i love you" and looks into my eyes...i say nothing...she says, "I love you"...I say, "i don't like to say I love you too quickly..." next thing i know she's shoving me out the door buck naked and locks the door...a minute or two later she throws my pants and shoes and stuff out the window...

now i'm walking in the snow out in the middle of nowhere in the pitch darkeness of new mexico looking for the glow of the cities lights and thinking to myself...

why didn't i just say...I love you....

I don't fall into those feelings easily, but occasionally when you know, you just know and it's not always completely logical either. On the other hand, if love is more difficult for a person to feel, the harder it can be to let go. When I feel that, it takes a lot for me to walk away from it and say "no more". Not having a fickle heart (maybe that's not the right word and apologize for offending anyone, but I can't think of another) can be both honorable and incredibly painful at the same time.

If I'm going to say it, I really mean it. Of course, I haven't said those words to anyone. C'est la vie.... :shrug:

But I'm just cynical.

This problem is compounded by people who think they are in love with a person, when they are actually in love with having a significant other.

I really do use the other L word frequently. I really like quite a few girls :).