DUers in long term relationships-an honest question

So I’m watching “Sex and the City” for the first time, and the red-headed character (I think her name is Miranda?) is on her honeymoon with a guy she has apparently had a long term relationship with prior to their wedding. They are staying at a romantic retreat for four days, when she complains “ all we do here is have sex! Two times a day EVERY day?!..” she mentions the “two times a day” thing several times as extreme and excessive. Now, I’m not very familiar with this show or this character-is she normally somewhat cold or prudish, or did the writers intend that she voice popular perception? In general terms (no “nudge, nudge, wink wink, sex thread” stuff here-just a survey), if two people in a long term relationship are on a romantic getaway, would you agree with this character’s statement about frequency? Again, I’d rather not get into personal specifics (I’m no prude-not in the least-I just don't want this thread to degenerate into one of "those' threads), but I’m honestly wondering just what popular opinion is on this subject these days?

seems like a reasonable amount. leaves time for sight-seeing.

but when will I ever get to click on something entitled "I disagree- 5-8 times sounds like a great honeymoon!" Sorry for ruining your poll. :evilgrin:

It really bothers me that there's so much shame and guilt over sex these days. My father was a sex therapist during the '70s-80s, as was his girlfriend. When we (their kids) became teenagers, they taught us that sex was an important and healthy part of a relationship between consenting and caring adults. They even put condoms in our Christmas stockings! I think a lot of parents would be appalled by their attitudes these days. But here's the interesting part; of us four kids, only my younger sister was influenced by the conservative religious right; my mom. My mother became a Born Again after having been a liberal bra burner throughout my childhood. My sister had A LOT of pressure put upon her to reject the teachings of my father and step mom. Consequently, my step-siblings and I always had healthy, responsible relationships with the opposite sex , while my sister had two unwanted pregnancies, caught venereal diseases, and used illegal drugs when the relationships went sour. The current American views on sex understandably have me very concerned for the younger generations.

Born Again? Every single person I've known who has done that has done so as a reaction to some problem in their lives: Drugs, alcohol, divorce, etc.

Not ONE has been "born again" just because they sat down one day and said "hey, this might not be a bad idea."

This true for your mother and others you've known as well?

Redstone

plus sexual abuse during childhood that lead to a series of bad post divorce relationships. It actually took her about 12 years from the divorce to the "born again" stage-but she was less "Miranda" and more "Samantha" (sampled a few too many men who she never developed real relationships with) during that time. Unfortunately, mom has always been a woman of extremes-which is too bad because she really is a very nice person!

Have expectations changed since America began mimicking a theocracy? Or have they changed do to the widening gap between rich and poor-everyone has to work harder, and is therefore too exhausted?

Whatever is honestly mutually agreed upon.
Sounds like the character is being whiny because they aren't
communicating their needs and expectations very well,
and working things out accordingly.

But, do you have a dishonest question? Those are much more entertaining.

B-)

question! Sadly, a few too many raunchy threads ruined lively discussions about this important part of being human for all of us.

Two seems outrageously lame to me.

If she's already complaining about too much sex on her honeymoon, it's going to be pretty brutal for him after five years.

I think it would be brutal after five months!

Yup, yup yup.

yup

david

I admit it does kind of taper off in frequency when you've been together a long time. But that's the idea of romantic getaways, isn't it? Stoke up the ol' fire?


Twice a day on an occasion like that is only excessive if it's not very good. :evilgrin:

Miranda? She gets married to Steve during the last season, but I don't recall a honeymoon. Could it just be a weekend getaway?

I guess I watched the end of the series, so I don't know much about these characters. She was upset that the room didn't have a TV and wanted to go home after the second day. I thought that didn't bode well for the marriage!

...for 10 or 15 years, and you both have to work to pay light bills, and mortgages, and one has to be at some place, while another has to be at another place, or take the kids here, or there, you'll be lucky if you can even find the time be with each other, much less schedule sex. Thats life.

If you make it a priority, then you'll make it fit your life. I've had several long term relationships-one over ten years-again, not to get into specifics, but the comment by the Miranda character made my jaw drop. It's an activity that is great for one's health; stress reduction, aerobic activity, emotional intimacy, good endorphines...it's a tonic for an overwhelming life, not an extra burden (just my opinion, anyway).

...specifically apply to me, but I know many people like that, who are stressed out to the gills due to making ends meet. And sex, is the least of their worries. Hell, they wish they had time, for such activities.

in this country-not enough time for one another because of the obligations of modern life? Plus, American puritanism makes even couples who are in committed relationships feel guilty about physical intimacy or desire. It's odd; popular culture puts such an emphasis on sex, yet there are no "Dr. Ruth's" in the mainstream today having honest conversations about what it means in a relationship. America is downright schizophrenic!

...and while popular culture makes up myths such as the show you've described, the reality is, people become disenchanted, thus dissatisfied, because actually living and making ends meet, doesn't allow them to live the fantasies they see on TV or on the big screen. A lot of it is that people don't realize that relationships don't happen. They take work.

It was the lack of doing nothing but laying up in bed.

Miranda likes to be organized. She prefers her days to be scheduled...this is when you sleep...this is when you eat.....this is when you work...this is when you play...

Steve is more laid back and can just spend the day doing nothing but lounging about...Miranda isn't comfortable with that.

Steve has been good for Miranda...he helped her to relax a little.

Miranda also fears falling into a stereotype of "that kind of woman"....doesn't matter what that means....however a person means it...she doesn't want to be it.

She has control issues and doesn't feel safe just yielding to "taking things as they come" (such as on a holiday)

and she doesn't deal well with being blindsided by anything...she must have some idea of what to expect...otherwise she gets all defensive

the good thing is? Miranda grows into a wonderfully loving and giving adult by the series end. She learns to let go and just love.

I just watched the series last DVD-guess I should have started at the beginning, lol! I watched that episode yesterday, after I had caught a snippet of an Oprah show where Oprah stated that Americans "just aren't having sex these days", and she added that she felt that this was killing a lot of marriages. I didn't catch much more of her show, but that combined with the Miranda comment really got me wondering about what's going on in this country!

So, do you think most of the people you know would agree or disagree with her?

and quality of life issues...which can often kill desire.

But I don't really know. Judging by the pregnant women and children around me, there seems to be plenty of sex going on :)

But then, my rubber inflatable life size doll never complains.

I don't see how one could make the leap to then assuming they are a prude. People have many reasons for limiting sexual intercourse.

Me <------- case in point.

every episode at least three times. Imho, it's one of the best shows every written. For Miranda's character, twice a day would be excessive. However, another character, Samantha, would be having it all day every day! I think that the writers wanted to be true to Miranda's character, and I do think that there are a lot of folks out there that would feel the same way.

On another note, the actress that plays Miranda has recently come out as a lesbian. Also, she was arrested a couple of years ago for protesting against public schools in NYC. She wanted her child to go to a public school (as opposed to a private one in which she could undoubtly afford) to experience the diversity. She a total progressive and activist - I LOVE HER!!!!!!!1

I think I remember reading about her protest, but since I had never seen the show, I didn't have a face to put with the name. Aren't Parker and Broderick also liberal activists?

It's interesting; most of the men I know HATE that show. Perhaps it's because it shows women acting a bit like, well, men? :shrug:

but isn't that an important thing to communicate prior to marriage?

I would think that this would be something a future partner A.) needs to know or is B.) rather aware of. If you are in a long-term relationship and one of the partners has a sustained disinterest in sex, I would gather that the other partner would question it, and depending on her/his feelings, keep or cross marriage off the list. If it was a situation where the drive was there before marriage and then fades... well, both partners should talk about these changes and do what is best for them. I understand your point about sexual activity being an important, and somewhat repressed, notion in our society. But it is also true that even within the context of this Puritanical mindset, we curiously overfixate on sexual activity as a marker of human relations. One is a "slut" or a "player" for enjoying a lot of sex, and a "prude" or "frigid" if not enjoying a lot of sex. I think sexual desire, as with much else, falls along a continumm. Some like and want it, others not so much. I think it is possible to find partners within this continuum to support any preference.
Thankfully :)

Think she'd be complaining if the guy 'finished' after thirty seconds every time?

Yeah, I doubt it too.

...it's different for everyone. And to try and put a number or a label on it is impossible.

For example, my wife and I had already been living together for over 2 and a half years by the time the Honeymoon rolled around. We spent most of our Honeymoon relaxing in a cabin. It was perfect.

Then again, there have been many times since when we had wonderful, amorous getaways.

We kind of like bucking tradition, her and I. Valentine's Day and Anniversaries are the times when we just lower expectations and relax. But then there are those spontaneous Sunday afternoons when the kids are both away. :P

I wouldn't have asked the question in the first place-so I don't see what's "unreasonable" about it. By 'romantic weekend" one usually means "renewing physical and emotional bonds", and that can be a honeymoon or a Sunday afternoon without the kids. I've heard this topic come up on a number of programs recently, and the disconnect between pop culture's fixation with sex and most American's ability to actually have it (or make it any kind of personal priority) is rather striking. Personally, I see this as a symptom of both Americas return to puritanism and a system which forces many people to work two or more jobs to make ends meet (the exhaustion on modern life).