DU-I need help, advice, support about anger management and cutting!

Hi. I have posted things about my teenager and am running up against a problem that I need some input and support about, from parents and young people. My teen has been active in school and our local teen peace group and art stuff. He is a good, kind, caring person who has emotional and anger management problems.

He also has a history of cutting when emotionally upset. This has not happened for a yr that we are aware of. We got into an argument last night over whether or not I had the right to ask if he and his girlfriend were still together. His input was I had no right to ask him anything about his life, shut the fuck up and leave him the hell alone. He reacts with extreme anger at the first couple words of a sentence and won't let me even finish asking what I'm asking but jumps to the conclusion I'm trying to control him and scream, flips me off, etc. Bit of an over reaction.

Anyway, I think he's cutting again. He did this in the past to deal with anger about a different living situation with an emotionally manipulative parent. We thought he was over this and was dealing with his anger in more constructive ways. We were wrong, I belive. We also strongly believe he is not suicidal, just hurting himself.

So, have any of you had dealings with this sort of stuff? My concerns are that he is dealing with emotional stuff in a very negative way, that he will hurt himself physically and emotionally more, that I need to walk the line between advocate and authority figure, that there need to be consequences for his behavior.

Input please? Thank you very much.

Edited to add-I have a call in to our health care provider and a counselor who saw him over a yr ago. He is very reluctant to deal with any of this, but I think it is time.

...but in my experience that's only likely to be successful if HE (the teen) invests in it, i.e. builds a genuine rapport with the counselor and wants to work with them. Simply setting him up to spar with someone else for an hour a week isn't likely to work well, IMO (but I'm not really very qualified to answer, either). Good luck.

He doesn't want help. How do you get someone help that doesn't want it? At what point is intervention needed? When they are in danger of harming themselves or others. He is. But involuntary commitments don't last long. fuck

...is that maybe a therapist could help YOU develop some strategies for minimizing the impact of his self-destructiveness-- both in terms of your own sanity (which wasn't what I really meant to address, but I think it's true nonetheless) and in terms of you learning ways to provide the teen with constructive alternative ways of expressing his anger. Maybe you can help him in subtle ways that you're not aware of now. Certainly the feedback he receives from the people around him is important in determining how he evaluates his own strategies.

I think I need to schedule someone for me to deal with this. thanks.

YOU get the counseling if he refuses any help. You need to figure out how to deal with this in the best way possible and a therapist can help you out in that respect. Keep us updated and good luck :hug:

He'll be home from school soon and will probably breeze in, be crisply polite, and forget about it in a week. Meanwhile, I get to have the guilt around my neck forever. Yup, counseling sounds like a good idea for me. How to deal with it, not over react and dump guilt. Thanks all again.

I am a survivor of depression. If you would have told me when I was in the throes of it to "get help"...I probably would have told you to go and get fucked. But the fact of the matter is I was in denial that I had a problem.

are not well known by the public, or well understood by professionals. people tend to lump cutters as "suicide risks", but that's an incorrect & unfair designation that fails to recognize the drive or an adequate response.

here's a link to a support-page that may help some, but as far as i know only multi-discipline treatments have been effective, and treatment by an ill-informed profesional can be fraught w/ added danger.

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

my profound sympathy & best wishes!

I don't think he is suicidal, just anger management problemed. I am so sad for him that he feels so alone and sad, but if I say anything, I'm bugging him. So thank you for the webpage.

or psychotherapist who specializes in teen's destructive behaviors.

Your call into to your HC provider is critical; you might also check with your physician if he or she is reputable and caring.

YOU also need as much counseling as the child, so that you can handle the issue properly.

the link i provided isn't "chat", it's shared experiences of fellow-sufferers & survivors. much like AA, these types of forums are especially helpful in gaining insight and perspective, as well as learning about new "legitimate" resources.

w/ all due respect, most professionals have VERY little understanding of this condition and the usual "therapy" is drugging these kids into compliance.

i'm not looking for a flamefest here. you're entitled to your opinion; i just feel that closing doors to possible alternative avenues and sources of real-life information is not helpful.

I was not clear in my origianl post, but I'm NOT looking for psych eval or help here. I am looking for support for myself and if anyone has experienced this, for help otherwhere, like the webpage above. Thanks for your concerns. I appreciate it.

I have dealt with a few cutters in my time working at Universities. It is a very serious problem, as you know. Most cutters are very secretive. I have found that this action and bulimia are very familiar. So I approach cutting like bulimia. I let the person know that I am aware of the situation. I also make sure they know I make no judgment (it isn't the time to tell them it is bad for them). I want them to tell me why they feel the need to cut (throw up). Once they start explaining their reasons (even if you know what those reasons are), then you have a good jumping off point for them wanting to help themselves. A good counselor will be able to help you through this. I really do suggest you also see a counselor who deals with these issues so that you can better understand what your son is experiencing.

Another thing that popped in my head is that he may be suffering from a chemical imbalance. Medication and counseling may be needed. Do not fear waling the line between advocate and authority figure, both are needed, and both serve a very real purpose. Make sure you take care of YOUR emotional needs too!!! Providers often forget to look after themselves.

When I was going through my own "breakdown," I found that writing helped some. Others have different ways to express themselves through their own creations. It really does help and is a pain at first, but then it becomes evident how it helps.

I wish you both luck!

I say if he won't go, YOU go.

I wish my parents had done that. They tried to send me and I was such an angry little asshat, I wouldn't talk in the sessions and they told my parents to stop bringing me.

F*ing teenagers, I was this age when I swore I would never have a child because they would be like this. You have this wonderful person who loves you and is willing to show it and wants to please you and be your buddy, and then they turn into a teenager.:mad:
Makes me nuts :crazy: :banghead:]

On the other hand, he's not into drugs, drink or smoking. It is just really hard to watch someone hurt themselves.

It would give him a chance to work off his anger by actually taking a swing at someone in a controlled environment, but at the same time learn to focus and control his aggression.

AND it would wear him out so he'd be more relaxed after his workout.

and one thing I can tell you that you really need to remember, is ALWAYS be calm about it.
My mom freaked out on me and that made it worse. Medication didn't help. I only ever had one counselor that I liked, and that was because all he did was *talk* with me- he didn't write things down in front of me or ask awkward questions.

Anyways like I said, always make sure you are very calm when talking about it- cutters are usually pretty fragile and overly sensitive to tones of voice. If you sound angry or really upset, it may drive a cutter to go do it again later that night.
I understand teens aren't easy, I wasn't and neither is my brother. See if you guys can go out and do something... like just go out for dinner or coffee & pie, just the two of you.

In my family (and it was a dysfunctional family) my mom was a nervous wreck, my brother had severe anger problems, and I had really bad anxiety issues (still do) and depression. My mom didn't always have a lot of time for us, because at times she had to work two jobs to get by. But, she tried to take us out, seperately, every other week at the very least. So that we could both have one on one time with her- and it helped both of us a lot. For the time being it may not be best to bring up emotionally charged subjects, unless your kid brings them up- but try to talk about things you both like, and make sure to just show that you are there and you care.

Cutters generally don't need psyche evaluations or meds or anything, they just need to know that they aren't alone and they are understood.

Sometimes emotions get SO intense, that physical pain is the only thing that can take away from it. It is hard for most people to understand, but all it is is a coping mechanism.

Last but not least... it wasn't my mom that made me stop. She did, however, make me feel better enough not to do it very often. It might take something else to make him completely stop, but it is going to be a decision made by him, on his own.
What stopped me was when my ex boyfriend's neice saw my cuts, as I didn't adequately cover them that day- and I had to lie to her about it. It broke my heart to lie to such a sweet little girl who obviously cared for me so much. I decided to stop so that I would never have to lie to my future kid about it. I haven't cut in about 3-4 years now- and you can only see the scars if you look up really close. They have to be pointed out.

Anyways, I hope my reply helps you a bit. Good luck, and PM me if you want to talk about this any more.

It is scary, dealing with this and wondering if it will get worse. It is used here for dealing with high emotions, pain, fear, rejection. He acts out, I get mad, he gets worse... He needs to figure out how to deal with the world and me in a better way. I need to deal wtih my anger in better ways too. The voice modulation can hurt or help the situation I found, but then he gets pissed when I'm not loud and angry voiced. Thanks for the reply, it does help.

my mom and I would make to the coffee shop would really help me; maybe you could try something like that. It was kind of like mutual therapy without the therapist you know? The first few times we just didn't talk about problems, but after awhile we were able to get comfortable discussing those problems. We were able to explain to eachother how we felt, why we felt that way, and how to handle eachother when things got escalated.

I really hope that you two are able to do something like what me and my mom did- to this day because of our trips, my mom and I are able to talk to eachother about almost everything. Maybe part of it is because we are females, but it worked between her and my brother too.

One thing to remember, is sometimes he is just going to stay pissed off, and nothing can be done but to just let him be pissed, and that works both ways. I had to learn to just let my mom be pissed sometimes, we had to both learn to give eachother ample space and learn when it was time to give that space.

Good luck, and like I said, feel free to PM me about this if you like, it is a super sensitive and difficult situation.

Just got back from a 2 wk overseas spring break. I like the giving each other the ok and room to be pissed, think I'll talk to him about this. Thanks.

I just thought of this when I walked away from the computer, your post brought back a lot of memories from when I was still living with my family.

As I'm sure you remember from your teen years, even little stuff can seem so HUGE- especially to a teen with some emotional problems. My parents used to tell me (before anyone even knew about the cutting and also after) that I should "Go do something", "go hang out with your friends more", "find an activity". That can sometimes seem to a teen like the problem is being belittled. Make sure if you try to involve your kid in something, that it is something they want to do, something they ARE interested in.

It's a difficult situation, and I'm sorry you and your kid are going through this.

im so glad that you have been able to stop the cutting.

the only exposure ive had to that was watching the recent a&e documentary "intervention" sundays at 10 pm
one of the girls was a cutter and they showed the triggers and the self injuring and her various relationships

i love that this show has included various addictions/ destructive patterns such as cutting or gambling or shopping etc in addition to drug and alcohol abuse

so they were able to finally do an intervention on this girl and she did accept going to the treatment center. it said that she was successful with this treatment and had not cut herself in 200 days!
if anyone wants to know more about that the a&e site would be one place to start

very best wishes and prayers to all esp to uppityperson and her son as she is seeking help

Cutting sucks. I never engaged in the act myself but my first girlfriend in high school was a regular cutter. As an adolescent I knew several girls that cut and recently was part of an intervention at a high school where a girl was cutting. In every case those who cut were not suicidal, but very depressed and wrestling with intense sexual identity and or sexuality issues. To over simply a very complicated situation, the cutting generally stopped when they came out. However, I feel at a loss to offer any other insight in your particular situation.

You are not alone and neither is your teenager. I agree that therapy is key, but only useful, when the party involved is willing. If this is not going to fly, then I say continue supporting him in his art and extra-circulars. It may be harsh for you -as he may not want you to know about or even look at his art. Art can serve as an essential venue and be the only means for his self expression. The fact that he's not reclusive and doing art is a very positive thing so I would encourage that. I agree with you that you have to be an authority, but in so doing, you don't want to create another wall for him to ram himself up against.

It's so hard. There are some many nuances to your relationship and his specific needs that I'm not privy to, so I feel rather inadequate offering you advise. I hope my thoughts and experiences are useful to you in some way. Hang in there.

:hug:

that in my above post about the girl featured on "intervention" that yes this poor girl had been sexually molested by some male though not her father. and her parents love her but had not dealt with it/fully admitted it when it was brought to their attention

in the intervention (which was several years after the molestation) the girls mother wrote out a letter and included that she was so sorry that they hadnt taken it more seriously and actually gotten her help
considering how her mother had hidden from the issue(s) over the years it was an especially sweet and acknowledging letter that she read out loud as part of the intervention. clearly the girl had been waiting for this strong show of love and support and thanked her mother for saying these things,

so anyway when you mentioned that sexual issues are often involved with cutting it reminded me of this touching and crucial exchange

It's so hard.

I'm seeing a theme in this post how a big part of cutting is often the result of not being able to express yourself.

or dont feel that it will be received then there is literally untold havoc

there is another thread in gd i think regarding the 5 yr old girl who was handcuffed. specifically i think of the post that points out that there has been so much reduction in funding for so many social services that this is (one of) the main points that should be debated.
and to think of gay youth who are of course among the most severely socially pressured

good thoughts are sent out to everyone who is hurting in any way

He does expressive art, photography, graphics, acting, writings, music, life and is willing to proudly share some of it with his parents. What I'm figuring out about this is it is how he deals with accute strong negative feelings, especially when he feels little control over his life. Something with negative emotions happens, he acts out, I strongly word my demands for not being talked to in that manner, he acts out more... How to deal with having his negative shit come at me in a more positive manner is what I can see I can do. Again, thanks all for the thoughts and advice, and thanks for listening.

and I'm sure you already know what I'm about to say, but I just want to clarify for people who aren't familiar with this subject that might read your post and think that ALL cutters struggle with their sexual identity, therefore are all gay. Just clarifying that although this does happen, it does not mean at all that all cutters cut b/c they are gay. I know you didn't say that, but I wanted to make sure no one reads into it that way. Hope you don't mind me barging in on your post!:hi:

First off, I have dealt with this. In my opinion, the folks who are drawn to this ( and adults do this as well) are those who have extreme trouble verbalizing anger, fear and pain. Cutting is a way to a) control something personal in the person's life and b) to make pain worse than the internal pain. This comes not from my analysis but from the people I know who have done this.

Teenagers can normally be verbally abusive, angry little shits. They are in that final stage of preparing to leave the nest and they don't know whether to hate you for bringing them this far or fear life without you.

Parents, on the other hand, get fed up with the ill treatment and often long lo "take back control" of their child.


But you really will never have that level of control again. As I raise the last of my six birth kids to teenagehood, I try to remember that they have to get out there and prove themselves, make mistakes, learn their own lessons. There are things you can't "teach" your kid, no matter how much you want to, and so drastic measures like interventions and treatment programs often backfire. I have seen more kids than I care to report absolutely traumatized and screwed up from time spent in forced treatment.

Your son needs to feel safe communicating. If he isn't into risky behaviors as you mentioned, he is basically a good kid. (They ALL have problems, just like cars.) Let him be for a while, but observe. Try to initiate non-confrontational conversation. If he gets beligerent, remind him calmly that it's not appropriate to speak to you that way and don't take it personally.

I have noticed the young folk are rather down these days( as a group). I aked my 18 and 20 year old about this. They say kids are depressed and some wonder "what's the point?" because they think they're all going to die anyway.

So be patient. IMHO this kid has way too much on his mind.

Do some research on cutting. In my experience, it's a serious problem, but the people I know who do or have done this function fairly well and drop the behavior when they have appropriate outlets for their emotions. Take that or leave that, as you will and goodluck, uppity.

I say, good friggin advice. :).

You are on the spot.

My 46 years occasionally come in handy. ;)

Hope you are much better :hi:

spot on

:thumbsup:

edit: Hey Ariana, in case you don't know, you're a miracle.

:hug:

cassandra uprising.

Hang in there :headbang:

Right back at ya

:yourock:

and the hippie in me says lets all

:grouphug:

Child rearing sure as fuck is not getting any easier. Mad props to all those with the courage to bring children into this world.

He cannot verbalize negative feelings and only sometimes positive ones. I agree that this is why he does this. I need to be a better actor for now and figure out better ways to not smack the arrogant little shit upside the head (I have never done this by the way) and not get into arguments but stay the calm person. I have found that my health care provider, at their the nurse there, has some serious predjudices about this and the need for medication NOW! bah. I don't want to do an intervention/forced treatment as it will make things worse in the long run. It is hard going on day to day though. Thanks for letting me rant and moan here.

Been there, done that and every now and again will endure the throes of it all over again.

What really helps me is trying to see where I can improve. I'm my own little basket case, so I concentrate on improving myself. Like being more positive ( I can put Mrs. Grumpy to shame) and responding in kinder ways. It's so easy to take our kids for granted. I had a pile of them over this weekend, college aged young men just freaked out.

And I wanted to yell at them and put them to work and make them tell me a few things they are keeping from me, but I just looked at them and suddenly saw them all in Iraq and I had to go in my room and cry.

Anyhoo, my own little struggle. Hope yours gets better. These things pass, friend. they really do :hug:

I'm 19, been cutting off and on from the age of 15 or so. The truth is, most cutters are NOT suicidal, but rather do it to keep themselves from ending it. What your teenager is looking for when he cuts is an emotional release, not a physical one. That's why getting some kind of help for him (counseling) would be the best thing for him. He needs to sort through his issues, and even though he will be reluctant at first to seek help, it is most important to his emotional growth to see that it happens. It is also important that you do not make him feel guilty for the way he feels and what he does. That would only hinder the healing process.
Now if I'd only take my own advice. :silly:

...toward acting upon that advice yourself, TBT. We learn the best when teaching others.

When I was in high school people that did this to themselves were extremely upset because of the way people at school treated them. This anger built up inside of them and the one friend I had that did this usually took it out on his family instead of the people that were the problem in the first place. Does he have a good social life? If I had to guess from your post he doesn't even if he might have had a girlfriend. I, nor anyone else here, is not an expert in this and isn't qualified to give you any advice. I would recommend you get professional help and make sure he is not using any type of drugs; this would just add to the depressed state he might be in. I knew a number of people like this a few years ago when I was in high school and the best thing I think you can do is get involved as you are doing now. The people I knew had parents that didn't want to admit there was a problem and things just got worse from there.

I wish you, and your son the best of luck.

of books on this subject, but they're at my house and I'm at work. When I go home I'll be sure to list some of the really good ones here. There's one in particular that's excellent.

My daughter has been doing that for a year now. She's got the same kind of anger issues and cutting herself when in distress. Is your son under the care of a Psychiatrist? This is beyond the scope of a GP. Your son with still need the talk therapy but we'd be nowhere without my daughter's depression meds. Risperdal has saved many a day.
Yes you still need to be a parent with him.

Your son's reaction sounds a lot like daughter's. Somedays she has a hair trigger.

He's adamant about no meds and forcing him or sneaking them would be worse than none. Our family DR said take him to mental health. He won't go.

He has been doing quite well recently, the trigger is something bad happens, then he blows up at me, and we're off from there. So I'm working on figuring out how to avoid the "we're off from there" part and, at some point, hoping he'll be open to therapy for himself. If it is pushed too much right now, he won't be. Offer and wait, be open to the possibility in the future. This has worked pretty well so far, just not always. So I'm working on moderating my reactions to his blowing up at me (which then sets off the cutting).

No professional help, no meds. Don't force your way in. He'll come to you when he wants/needs to, only if you don;t have an agenda. At the moment, he faces a very real dilemma - he desperately wants to be an adult and to operate in an adult manner, but finds it extremely difficult and frustrating because it is nothing like what was expected. Things aren't the easy ride he expected; going for help would be "admitting defeat".

It's all natural. I'm not saying you are, but don't push him anywhere, because you'll push him away.

What I've tried to do and think I need to keep trying is to keep his options open and deal with my shit and my part in it all. However, I find myself thinking that actions have consequences and wtf should those be?

is in the wrong. In the eyes of your son right now, there's little you can do right. That's no comment on him or you, other than that he is a teenager.

If your suspicions are correct and he is having relationship trouble, then he is already learning that his actions have consequences; having lived under the benign autocracy of parental rule for his entire life, he's experiencing self-government and finding that it's hard work.

I should say that I have no professional background in this kind of thing, and I have no kids of my own, although Mrs Taxloss and I plan to soon. My only basis to dish out this kind of advice is that I was a teenager about 10 years ago and I think my parents handled me well, in retrospect. At the time, however, everything WAS SO UNFAIR.

Sometimes the presence of the mediating party can be very beneficial in working through not only issues within the family, but issues within one's self.
I work in an adolescent mental health agency. Kids can make great strides working with a counselor, but some kids really aren't suceessful on their own until the parent gets intimately involved in the therapetuic process. Sometimes that very humble acknowledgement that even as a parent we could use some help can be an excellent motivator for the child to start thinking about their own self-care and empowerment.
I'll never forget when my young cousin was learning to ride a bike. Her father kept telling her that it would be fine, she would be safe and have fun. No matter how he prodded, she wouldn't get on the bike. Finally, he got on the bike himself and rode it is circles in front of her, laughing and having a most "fun" time. She got on the bike. :) A simple story, but one that illustrates my point. A parent's involvement in therapy WITH the child can be a profound statement about the importance of taking care of oneself and attending to one's emotional and mental needs.

My best to your family.