My best friend told me today he might be gay.

One of my good, good, good friends (His name shall remain secret) told me today that he might be gay. I wasn't exactly shocked, but I was suprised he was telling me at school. Lately, he had been harrased by a few people at our school because of thinking he was gay.

Of course, I had suspicions all along but didn't want to tel him or ask him, as he is incredibly sensitive about the subject. But today, he dragged me over to the sidelines at school today and asked me for advice. When I asked about what, he told me this:

"You always seem to have my interest at heart, and since you seem to be experienced in this kinda stuff, could you give me advice about how..."

He paused, as if both searching for the right word, and if to run away. For a moment, I was wondering if he was going to run right into the bathroom and lock himself in for a little while. Then, he looked at me, blue eyes glittering with the 'Please, help me' light.

"Advice on how to come out to my parents."

I asked him to elaborate, and he told me all about it. I felt really sorry for him, because I couldn't help him. I wanted to help him, of course, but I don't know anything about that. The bell rang and we walked to class together, silent.

And one thing I noticed today, is that he never made eye contact or even talked to his best friend.

I'm starting to worry about him. As far as I know, as gentle and kind as he is, his parents are extremely conservative. I keep wondering what would happen if he told his parents, and what would happen if they took it badly.

I don't want to see him in casts.

What can I do?

MiniAmandaRuth

to help protect your friend. I wish I knew of some.

And I think it was difficult for him. The last friend he told said, "I'm sorry." My reaction was, "And? Are you ready to head to the restaurant?" I didn't miss a beat. I didn't care who he was sleeping with. I just loved my best friend.
Just be there for your friend. Hopefully he'll get more confident. Encourage him and help build him up. Good luck. :hug: to you and to your friend.
Duckie

For best all time response, lol. :yourock:

he also said "sorry". I asked him "for what?!?!?!". He then told me that I was the 3rd person he came out to, & he had said sorry to the 2 people before me- but I was the first person to say he didn't need to be sorry for anything. the first thanked him for realizing how upsetting the news was & the other said thank you & I'll try to learn to live with it. How sh*tty is that?? Learn to live with what?

I was happy for him that he knew what he wanted & knew who he wanted to be with. It was never about me (or anyone else for that matter). To this day when I think about it the only thing that upsets me about him coming out was that he said he was sorry. It's like apologizing for being black, blonde, asian, or asthmatic.


The best thing you can do for your friend is BE there. Show that you care. The person that you have cared about hasn't gone anywhere- he's still the exact same guy, with the same loveable qualities. Be supportive when he tells other people- many are not as evolved as you obviously are. But do tell him that your worried about him being depressed etc. And what you noticed about his not looking at people. IMHO the best thing to do is to bring that right out in the open. Right now he's probably scared to death that he'll lose all his friends.

What's his rush? He's not even sure himself.

I'm not gay, so I didn't know how to respond to this, but you are right, he isn't even sure. Hell, I don't tell my parent a lot of things, I tell them things only when I want to.

that seems to be a familiar phrase that comes up among moms of gay kids.

Her first cousin who she adored was gay, as was her best friend in high school in the early 1950's, so she was pretty sophisticated.

Mothers know.

he was 15-20 years older than she was and was born in the early 1900s.
and an interior decorator who lived in San Francisco. The Prototype.

Both of his parents knew instinctively, his dad manifested it horribly and his mom was his loving comfort.

...me too. My whole family knew. My brother was mortified by my very existence. I wasn't flaming or anything, it was just my interests, sense of living theater (okay - drama queen) and sarcastic personality. I outgrew all the obvious tendencies, thankfully; most people don't realize I'm gay until I, for whatever reason, tell them.

But, yeah, mothers know. Whether they want to admit it or not.

No one else in my family had any idea. As time goes by, my younger brother and his wife have been welcoming to me and my partner (brother is a former Presbyterian minister turned 2nd grade teacher).

Often, life is very strange.

I can't say how lucky my brother was that our entire immediate family is very accepting.

Chances are that the mother knows and accepts it, or is in denial and hopes otherwise. Fathers can tend to be oblivious, men just don't pick up on subtlety very well. My advice would be for him to approach the family member that is most receptive/likely to support him. From there you can branch out and let the other(s) know. ***NOTICE*** This is ONLY if he is certain and determined to come out that he is gay.

If they're ultra-conservative i.e. fundamentalist christian this could get REALLY ugly. Not being gay, I truly have no idea how hard this really is. Be there for him if possible, this is one of those things that will divide friends and family, simply because our bigotry is often hidden till something hits home.

This is going to be a very difficult time for him. Confusion, feelings of abandonment, self-loathing, etc. All of these can result. So all anyone can do is find others who will be there for them.

would be to wait, because right now he's dependent on his parents for everything. After he moves out and attends college somewhere, preferably without needing his parent's financial help then he can come out to them.

Sometimes parents can be fickle. Some really conservative individuals tend to have their hearts opened when they find that their hates hurt someone close to them. Even if his parents are okay with the idea of him being gay, it's usually better--for conservative parents--to come out later after every parental obligation has been severed.

Secondly, you need to be there for him. Talk to him the next time you see him and treat him no differently than you have. Let him know that you're there for him and are willing to help in any way that he needs you to.

It will be difficult for him and for you, but the benefits outweigh the costs. As the current president of a university gay organization in Idaho, I know the effects that "really conservative" parents can have on the coming out process. My advice was based on that information.

I hope everything works out for him, :grouphug: to you both.

Let him talk about whatever he wants. See where the conversation goes.

Sounds like high school ( bells and all). Ugh. Is it a small-medium town situation? Extra hard if yes, as there are fewer resouces in the community. If it's a larger community encourage him to hook-up with resources.

There are no simple answers and innumerable variables.

But make sure to call him tonite.

Stupid me, I never get peoples phone numbers...

Mom said that he should keep his head down until he gets to colledge.

MiniAmandaRuth

We had one open lesbian couple at my high school, and people made fun of them alllll the time. It didn't seem to bother them much, but I don't know how it couldn't. And if his parents are really conservative, it might be better just to wait it out.

Wait until you're in your last semester of college (that they'll pay for).

For now all YOU have to say is "there's nothing at all wrong with you, and I'm totally behind you"

and check out these links as well

http://directory.google.com/Top/Society/Gay,_Lesbian,_and_Bisexual/Youth/

www.glsen.org

http://www.glnh.org/resources_national.html

and he's very lucky to have a friend like you

He should not come out to his parents unless he has somewhere else to live, and a way to be self-supporting. Many parents disown their gay children. Even my gay daughter, who should have known she would receive a supportive response from us, did not tell us until she was 19 and well-established at her college. She was scared. I understand that.

Get him into PFLAG, or some similar group in your area. Get him to a school counselor. The school social worker here, in my rural community, is very helpful to gay teens and their families.

There are books out there that can help you support your friend, too. Go to the PFLAG website for some suggestions.

What kind of a parent would throw their child out?!?!?!?!?!

For MANY different reasons.

I PASSED my mommy Prüfung! (It almost took me the fuck under :crazy:). Babykins is on his own now and I did NOT "throw him out." It took a LOT of determination and a psychic willingness on my part to DIE that my son live. Fortunately all that praying, chanting, prostrating, candle and smudge lighting I've done over the decades paid off!!! ;-)

PLEASE PROTECT YOUR FRIEND IN ANY WAY THAT COMES TO YOU. PLEASE.

If the parents are "conservative" and likely to make stress, DO AN END RUN AROUND THEM. Patience and diplomacy are your friends.

He's thirteen...

Mini

I'm not gay, so I can't really speak from personal experience. However, a good friend of mine came out to his parents when he was around 14. His parents, however, were really liberal and okay with the situation b/c they'd had gay siblings.

If he's just 13 he may want to wait a little. First, I'd say he should figure out IF he's gay. From what you've said, he probably is, but you never know at that age - a lot of guys experience homosexual feelings around that age then grow out of it. If he's merely questioning, try to talk to him and maybe refer him to some GLBT support groups that might help him work out whether he's gay or not.

If he is, then take it from there.

at around the same time. My family, thank goodness, being a nice liberal family, pretty much said, "So?" and life went on. His best friend's parents -- drama, drama, drama. Had a BIG falling out with MY parents because they accused my brother of "encouraging" him. Sent him to a Christian brainwashing shrink to try to de-gay him. And I think there was even a camp involved, too.

I don't know if your friend is in high school or college, but as someone suggested upthread, he might want to wait a bit, especially if he thinks he's going to get a bad reaction. Because my brother's friend pretty much went through hell for a couple of years until they stopped trying to "fix" him and started dealing with it. Especially if he is not sure himself yet.....

That said, I don't really know so -- grain of salt, eh?

http://www.youthresource.com/
IIRC, you are south of close to 2 cities. There are many resources available in cities.

MiniAmandaRuth, you are a good person. He trusts you very much to tell you his secret. My good thoughts to you and your friend, dealing with a natural thing that should not be an issue.

:hug: "Dealing with a natural thing that should not be an issue." Indeed, it should NOT.

This kid is 13 and needs ALL the protection and support our global cyber village can muster. There is NOTHING "WRONG" with him. NOTHING.

I remember reading something like that in the Adder's Lair. Either how to come out, or how to deal with it when someone you know comes out.

There is no one way to come out that works for everyone, but I'm sure people in this thread have already posted links to various helpful resources. At least it might be easier on him if he's a bit older.

Heh, I told my parents I was gay when they found gay porn in my room when I was 13. Not my preferred method; I would have liked to do it with a scalpel instead of a sledgehammer, but, eh, it worked. :) They couldn't have cared less, they just told me to have safe sex.

Anyway, I digress, I hope your friend is alright.

He needs to talk this out with someone who can help him see his options and strategies. I don't know if that's a counselor or teacher or someone he knows outside of school, but he needs to talk to an adult.

He also needs to connect with a support group, even if it's on-line. That would help him, too.

My mom was a high school art teacher for 35 years, and she had several students come to her in that very situation. She at least gave them a listening ear and some ideas on how to handle things. Shoot, we took one in for a weekend once because her father was getting abusive--good wake-up call for that dad, but I don't recommend it.

I mean, No. Matter. What. Chances are he might be in for some very tough times and he will need unwavering support. :hug: for you.

If he gets to the point where he tells his 'rents and they don't take it well but seem somewhat possibly open-minded, tell him about pflag.org

Good luck, MiniAmandaRuth.

Here's the coming out section of my website:

http://www.plaidder.com/oeuvre.htm#comingout

General advice I would give to a novice outcomer would include:

1) Do not come out to your parents first unless you are sure they will be supportive. Come out to some other people who you know WILL support you and then you will have people to help you when your parents freak, which is still the most common initial response.

2) If one parent is more likely to be supportive than the other, try the supportive one first.

3) Remember that the point of coming out to your parents is actually to help the relationship (because if htey don't know this about you, they won't be able to be close to you) and remind them of this when they start guilt-tripping you.

4) There is a pretty good chance that unless your parents have sold their brains to the Christian right, their reaction will not be as bad as what you have imagined. You cannot expect joy, but again, barring the sold-your-brain-to-Reverend-Dobson phenomenon, you probably shouldn't expect to be beaten up, disowned, or thrown out of the house either. Most families do eventually come to terms with this.

5) How your parents respond to your coming out will have a lot to do with what your relationship with them was like beforehand. If you are close to your parents and find it easy to talk to them, you will work this all through relatively quickly. If you are locked in a death struggle to see whose will is going to break whose, expect to be locked in even more of a death struggle once this comes into play. Coming out will not usually destroy a good relationship with your parents, though it can easily make a bad one worse.

6) Don't give up on your parents if the initial reaction is bad. My mother's response to the news fulfilled most of my extremely low expectations, but it only took her, what, 8 years to finally come around, and now she is trying to get me to give my brother advice about marriage. Things can change.

7) Remember that part of their dismay about hearing this is their fear that it will lead to your winding up lonely and sad with no spouse or children. What has made the most difference to my parents, and will probably make a difference to yours, is seeing that in fact this is not the case, and that your relationships are part of what makes you you and what makes it possible for you to be happy. There is no way to teach them this except to demonstrate it over a period of several years. So, the best way to get your parents to accept your sexuality is to make your sexuality a positive and healthy thing for you. Don't let the drama of coming out lead you to make stupid decisions about who to be with.

Good luck, MiniAmandaRuth's friend,

The Plaid Adder

especially if he suspects it will go badly

talk about sexual feelings. Are you 13 too? It is all too new--remember, no matter how mature you may be, you've been on this planet 13 years--and that isn't very long, esp. when it comes to sexuality. My kids would suggest that you be there for him and encourage him to talk only with trusted friends at this point. My kids would also wish him well, and wish he had parents he could talk to. Does he have any adult friends or relatives who would understand? The perspective of an understanding older person can often help, even if they don't understand everything you're going through. Best wishes to you and your friend.