Serious question for DU women: If you had been married for 15 years,

and your husband told you that he's had a chronic disease (not an STD!!!) the whole time (plus, say, twelve years before he met you), but hadn't wanted to tell you for whatever reason, would you get angry at him?

Just curious.

Redstone

Like, he knew what was best and didn't want to worry my pretty little head. :grr: Just tell me and let me decide how I'll handle it, thank you very much! I'd wonder what else he's not telling me, and I'd feel like he didn't trust me enough to deal with it like an adult.

But--I'd still love the guy and if he sounded sincere about it, I'd be happy he told me at all. No worries. Even if I got way pissed, I'd still love him.

that he hadn't felt like I needed to know until now. But angry? I don't know; I guess it would depend on what the disease is.

And how would you not know? I guess he wasn't taking any meds for it?

be easily explained away. Therefore, no treatment. But it might come back some day.

Redstone

I would be devastated that he kept something so significant a secret. What's more important than one's health? I can't imagine someone doing this to someone they purported to love.

It would mean that my husband didn't trust me and was living in shame. It would cast doubt - for me - on the authenticity and/or validity of everything that had transpired during those years.

So, what kind of disease are we hypothetically talking about here?

You say not an STD, but chronic. Hmmm.

I guess whether or not it was fatal would be a factor in how I'd respond. I'd be very concerned and maybe hurt that he had not told me. Mostly, I'd be very worried, and confused as to why he hadn't told me about it.

another percentage, and minor though annoying in another percentage.

Redstone

Then I would have to deal with whatever it is.

Redstone

I am appalled at the condescension in that question.

By the way, if there have been children of this marriage, the health lies put them at risk, possibly.

What then?

Redstone

The man clearly doesn't trust the woman to be able to handle the situation. In my book, that makes him untrustworthy, and their relationship a fraud.

Him deciding - and withholding - that information as significant as a chronic disease is a unilaterally condescending and dishonest act.

But I get pissed quick and flame out quick - which means I would get over it quick but probably be very cautious about trusting him as much as I did before.

But how I reacted to the news would depend on so many things. Mostly what his reasons were for not telling me... that'd be the big one for me.

Redstone

Redstone

And whatever anger I felt would likely be mitigated by my love for him and my overwhelming concern for his health.

to offer an opinion as well, of course. There are a lot of smart people around here, so all their opinions are worth hearing.

Redstone

that he felt he couldn't tell me and then I'd be mad again.

maybe hurt would be a better word. I would feel like he didn't trust me to love him anyway.

Redstone

The longer it does on, the worse it is. Certainly it would be a great concern if one's partner lied about something so important. She is naturally going to wonder what else he's been lying about.
In a marriage or long-term partnership, one should be able to count on one's partner for support with medical and other problems. She may still support her husband, but she will need time to adjust to being lied to for so long. It would certainly be a blow to the marriage.

Lies of omission eat away at the person. Most of us have "something" that we don't discuss with anyone -- usually minor shit. But, it's human nature to conceal something and then the concealing becomes the issue cus ya know that when you do tell, it'll cause a scene. I consider it "no biggie" -- just the stuff of human nature. Get angry and then move on to dealing with the issue.

I would be far more concerned with the immediecy of how to rectify the problem. . .seeking out and researching every alternative means known to man. But that's just me. Silly old me.

it might be best to ask questions, and find out why he didn't say anything.

I can't see the anger as being productive for either the wife or the husband, and it seems likely that it would make the husband feel extremely insecure. If he didn't tell because he was worried about acceptance, it would be very easy to misinterpret the wife's anger as a lack of acceptance of the disease.

The whole situation seems ripe for major misunderstandings on both sides.

If only he'd been open and honest from the start, before they got married.

None of it had to happen.

Momma always said, "Be careful with your secrets."

what if, at the beginning of the relationship, the wife had REALLY needed the husband to "be strong for both of them," and and for damned good reasons, and he did, and the relationship developed into that kind of wonderful, though rare, actual partnership?

Would you have wanted to rock the boat at that point?

Redstone

If that were the case - and if you think I'm "quick to condemn," perhaps you'd have included all the material facts, like this one, in the opening query - then the whole relationship was based on a falsehood.

Someone with a chronic disease isn't necessarily a weak person. Interesting that the two are linked in your mind.

For the record, having an opinion is not a condemnation. I'm quick to recognize a lie and a fraud, though.

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

If you don't like them, I guess it makes you feel better to attack me.

I hope it works for you.

working from those baselines.

Thank you for your input.

Redstone

That he hadn't felt comfortable confiding that in me. :shrug:

me that she was 10 years older than me after three months of believing she was my age. A chronic disease? Maybe not angry, but certainly curious how that could be held back for that many years, and how I wasn't trusted with the information.

i suck at keeping secrets, so i'm looking at it from that side.

as the wife, i'd be upset that information had been withheld for so long. i guess i'd ask, 'how did you keep that a secret for so long?!'

then i'd assimilate it for a few days, and eventually come around to compassion and ask how i could help. if i loved him, that's what i'd ultimately do.

choices in life. He knew info that you did not, therefore his whole take on life would be affected by something that you were not privy to.

The decision to have children would be very much affected by not only what disease he may pass to your children but do you want to take the risk of your children not having their father in their life if the condition could be fatal.

the conditon may be helped by certain diets and lifestyles but you werent allowed to help with that and could have even contributed to worsening the condition because of your choices.

Yeah, he may have done it to protect you, but he really dissed you. Plus the trust and sharing concepts of marriage were thrown out from the start.

Yeah, I'd be pissed at him for awhile, but I'm sure you'll forgive him and go on.

to share with others.

For example, many people do not like to discuss their bodily functions with anyone at all. So your husband may have been constipated for WEEKS before you figure it out.

They used to sell pillowcases that said YES YES YES on one side and NO NO NO on the other. Ladies who did not wish to admit to certain matters would flip the pillow to NO NO NO for a few consecutive days each month.

It is not a trust issue in some instances.
And this is probably NOT about YOU.
It has more to do with PERSONAL denial, embarrassment and a fear of rejection.
Don't take it personally, and PLEASE do not over-react because then you will simply PROVE that he was correct to keep this hidden all this time. Help him to relax and let him know that you are OK about it even though you kinda wish he had told you SO YOU COULD BE OF ASSISTANCE.
And then stand back and leave well enough alone.

If I had some intestinal crud, or female problems, even if they were chronic, that's be my own business, and maybe my doctors.

I would not go to the boyfriend/fiancee/spouse (depending on timing) and announce that I have the runs on a regular basis. hehe. no.

something like a thyroid problem, yeah, they'd probably know - but that'd be less because "it's an issue in my life I want to share with the people closest to me" and more of me just having an excuse for a bit of laziness on my part. I told my husband I'm anemic, but it wasn't to make us closer, it's more of just letting him know sometimes I'm too damned lazy/wiped out to do the dishes by the end of the day, and I have that get out of jail free card for it.

Anything that's even remotely a bathroom issue, though, no. And you're right, that's nothing to do with feelings towards my spouse or trust.

I knew something was wrong, but hubster kept brushing it off. And between grad school and the attendant craziness, I didn't really seriously confront him until about 5 years in. (We are now in our 15th year). He fessed up but couldn't say why he wouldn't/couldn't be forthright with me.

I slept in my studio for 6 weeks and we saw a couples counselor for a while. (a crappy one, who didn't really help at all) We broke up for a while and when I got over being angry (about a year later...obviously I have my own issues) we worked back into our relationship.

He's gotten better at...I hate to say "sharing", but some guys have this whole compartmentalization thing, where they really don't see why something like this is a big deal.

Like most things his reticence stemmed from a lot of diffrent sources: male role expectations and family dynamics to name a couple.

So yes, be angry, but if it is going to seriously disrupt your relationship, find a good counselor to help you hash it through. It's truly a waste of your energy being angry with no real hope of resolving the whys and wherefores.

good luck

If there was anything my husband didn't tell me after 15 years of marriage, whether it be a chronic disease, owning property, having an ex wife and/or kids, born with ovaries, probed by aliens at age 10, voted for Reagan...anything, I would be upset.

Why? Because when I walked down the aisle with my waaaay too white dress and proclaimed to my friends, family, judge, and husband-to-be that I was now part of a tribe of my own...well, I walked down that aisle with the belief that I knew what the hell was going on. Not only that, but I promised for better OR for worse and I meant it. To not believe me would be a slap in the face.


on edit: I would be pissed, but I would still love him. That's what marriage is about. Now, if the in-laws knew and was in on the secret??? Then EVERYONE would pay...there's nothing worse than a pissed off daughter-in-law who JUST WON'T GO AWAY.

Redstone

but as a mother, that would make me hysterical. are the parents still in the picture?

Which makes the situation much less complicated.

Redstone

My immediate reaction would prolly be anger. I'd be disappointed that in the relationship, built on trust and love, he had kept something so important from me.
I think the anger would dissipate quickly, but the general feeling of unease would stay a little longer.

for so long....I know from experience that when you are keeping a secret it just gets harder and harder to finally "fess up." I think it is pretty cool that he did finally tell you, but I would still be sad that he didn't share the info for whatever reason.

and is kind of asking this question in order to get an idea what he might expect.

Redstone

is invalid. An interesting exercise, but really only another barrier between him and her.

The reactions of people who aren't part of this two-person marriage do nothing except put unrealistic expectations (and an imaginary buffer) between him and his deliberately misleading his beloved.

Telling her the truth is the only way. There is no defense for what he's done, and it's all up to her when he does tell her the whole truth.

I wish them both the best. I've been in a situation like this. It's agonizing.

I'll stop reading the responses.

Forgive me for asking in the first place. I'll keep my mouth shut next time.

Redstone

It would be hard for me to trust someone who kept such an important secret from me for so very long. So what disease do you have?

Humans are complex beings.

We often preoccupy ourselves with our own "pre-conceived notions" of reaction, and either don't focus, or can't focus on what the REAL reaction would be.

Perhaps he was afraid that if he told her at the beginning of the relationship, she would have focused on that, deemed him unworthy, and left him unncessarily over something he (presumably) had no control over.

It's a realisitic scenario. I personally know a woman whose husband divorced her 3 months after she was diagnosed with breast cancer because "he couldn't put himself through that". They had a wonderful marriage and she regrets to this day ever telling him because it completely wrecked her life.

Perhaps he was in denial about the disease himself. IT's a very common reaction for people who are diagnosed with chronic or terminal illnesses to seriously deny the condition, espeically if it's something that doesn't manifest itself in a physical way, or in a debilitating way. Generally, they think "Well, it's not affecting me now, so it won't be so bad." or "It's not hurting now so I really don't have it". I deal with people in the hospital EVERY DAY who have terminal and chronic diseases, whose lives are being cut short by their inaction, and they REFUSE to accept the fact that they have this disease because it's not manifested in a physical disability or pain or whatever.

Perhaps he was afriad of how she would react to the initial news, and how she would react to him afterwards. Would it be horror? Disgust? False Pitty? Feeling the need to be overprotective and watch over him like a hawk?

THere are SO many reasons. I can't condemn the man and honestly I don't think anyone here should either. If he's otherwise a stable person, chances are very high that he had a very good, even if unfounded or baseless, reason for withholding the information.

ANd like all things, as time goes on, it's easier to perpetuate the lie. Why rock the boat after all these years? I'm still healthy, I'm still not in pain.

Or---

I can't tell her now---the kids are getting ready to go off to college and she can't handle the stress of that, much less THIS

I can't tell her now---her mother/friend/co-worker just died. THat's too stressful.

I can't tell her now--everything's going great. Our jobs are great, we're completely in love. I can't blow it now, not when things are going so good.

---

As humans, we're VERY capable of finding excuses why we can't break bad news at any time. Bill time--not a good time. Stressful time--not a good time. It's Saturday--not a good time.

---

I would ask him why he didn't tell her. Don't be judgemental. He probably started out with honestly very honest and human intentions, and the days and weeks and years caught up with him and now he finds himself over his head, looking like a louse when he really probably wanted to spare himself and his partner the absolute pain of knowing about his condition.

---

True story: My husband and I are very close. We've been together for 8 years, and about 3 years ago, he came to me, tears in his eyes. Said he had to talk to me about something. Uh-oh...what's this about.

He sat me down and said that he was totally embarassed and I had to promise not to laugh at him.

Okay...what's wrong?

He had Hemorrhoids. for WEEKS. and was afraid to tell me because he thought I"d laugh at him. They had become infected and had to go to the Dr and wanted to make an appt but didn't want me to know about it because he was afraid I"d laugh at him.

Oh honey! I'd never laugh at you!

While this wasn't a chronic or terminal disease, or even a disease at all, I can understand why he was 'embarassed', 'afraid'---even though we're thick as thieves, he was still a human, still feared rejection, humilation, a joke at his expense.

I was glad he told me, and had to examine MYSELF and MY Reaction to things in the future---was I that type of person that he felt he COULDN'T come to me and tell me? Would I have laughed if he asked me not to? I very well may have, truth be told.

But I was glad he told me. I wished he had told me sooner so that way they wouldn't have gotten infected and we could have handled it earlier. But he didn't tell me, and I understood why, and I would never be mad at him for being a human being and having human emotions.

and the funny hemorrhoid story.

That's going to make it easier tomorrow.

Redstone

so I have to do clinical rotation several days a week and I see people in all stages of disease---from just being told the news, to having their family come around the besdide as they gasp their final breaths.

I think alot of people on this thread just forget that we're human. We're, by nature, irrational beings. Love, for example, is COMPLETELY irrational. Biologically, we're not meant to be monogamous, but the majority of us are. Biologically, the 'weaker' of the species should have died out long ago, but medical advances have allowed even the most Naturally Selectable of us to live very long and meaningful lives.

We can talk all grownup and use moral platitudes of THIS is always wrong and THAT is always right---but it's never that cut and dry, that black and white.

We're complex beings with huge brains. We're filled with emotion, logic, reason, and some stuff that doesn't make any sense at all.

When we're faced with horrid news like, for example, being told that we (as an individual) have a terminal illness, or a chronic illness that will never get better, will never go away, people react differently. Some people take a deep breath, say "I'm gonna beat this thing", change their lives, live healthy, run 10 miles a day, and just get on with it.

Other people go through the stages of greiving--denial, anger, bargaining, etc.

Some people, though, act completely against the grain and in unpredictable ways.

Yes, spouses should always be honest with their spouses about EVERYTHING---I wonder how many of those spouting off with such righteous indignation tell their sig others EVERYTHING---EVERYTHING. Because even if you "Forgot" to mention having lunch with your friend 10 years ago, that is deception by omission, and therefore you're a lousy spouse who should suffer a lifetime of lonliness and self flagellation for your OBVIOUS lack of trust in your sig other :eyes:

Look--I have your back. I'm sure you wish you had done things differently. I'm sure your wife will have wished you did things differently. But you didn't, and all you can deal with is the now, and the reality not just of your condition, but of the immediate situation.

Please understand that her emotions will be completly unpredictable, so you have to prepare yourself for EVERY reaction possible. Anger, tears, crying, leaving, hugging.....I don't know your wife, and I don't know you.

I would hope that if you prefaced it as "I was afraid you'd be dissapointed" or however it was that you felt at the time, you might be able to lessen the blow you're about to deal with her.

Also, and I think this is really important, don't try to bullshit her. What she needs now is HONESTY. You, complete and bare. Tell her EVERYTHING, and be honest as to why you not only didn't tell her to begin with, but why you didn't tell her in the interim.

I don't know the state of your relationship---whether there's been infidelity, other lies, other 'big' issues that were hidden. However, if there haven't be, assure her that you weren't not telling her in order to deceive her---you were doing it out of some unfounded fear that you would burden her, hurt her, whatever. Reassure her that, as misguided as you were, you had her best intentions in mind. She may buy it, she may not. But at the very least, you HAVE to be brutally honest. About EVERYTHING.

I would suggest counceling for the two of you. I don't know if you live in a large town and have a wide-variety of councelors to talk to, but I would shop around if possible and try to find someone who not only can deal with the psychological aspect of this, but also shed light to your wife as to the possible reasons why you would have done this, seeing as this was a 'medical deception' as opposed to cheating, financial deception, etc---that, to me, makes all the difference in teh world.

If you were cheating on her--no sympathy. Had 10,000 in gambling debts--no sympathy. 4 children that you hid from her--no sympathy. But this is a medical condition. This is a bit different, imo, than your run of the mill dishonesty in marriage. Couples and individual counceling for the both of you would probably be your best bet.

Good luck to the both of you. Please keep us (or at least me :) updated on your progress

strong and solid, no other factors such as cheating or hidden children. Nothing for either of us to be ashamed of, nor is this thing, beyond the fact of having not talked about it.

However, as you say, people are complicated things, and there are reasons for everytihng that everybody does. And I have mine.

I am NOT afraid she'll throw a fit and not want me around anymore. Just don't want her to feel that I couldn't trust her with the knowledge, which is definitely not the case.

All will be known soon.

Thank you again. We ever meet, I owe you a drink.

Redstone

I had things kept hidden from me about my soon-to-be ex-spouse's past (we were together 14 years). I don't want to violate his confidence, but in my case, not knowing this allowed this perpetuation of this attitude of my being "at fault" in certain aspects of our relationship for YEARS when it had nothing to do with me. I felt terrible for years and it was easier for him to let me keep thinking there was something wrong with me than to tell me the truth. Once I knew, it all made sense, but I had had to emotionally disconnect for so long just to function that I felt as though I had nothing left.

I don't know what the right thing to do is. Like Heddi says, it's complicated.

doghouse for a little while.

Has their been a recurrence or is it still in remission - i.e. are you telling her because you have to or because you have decided you want to now?

Still in remission and may stay so for a long time yet; it's just time to clear the air. She got the other Big Secret about five years ago and dealt with it well, so I may escape this one with my skin intact.

I mean the guy I know, you know, this friend of mine, he may escape with his skin...(Just joking)

Redstone

choice (or guilt)instead of keeping it a secret forever or until you were forced to tell.

I would be concerned that if my husband could keep such a big secret from me for so long, then he could keep anything from me and never feel compelled to tell me - i.e. cheating. So use the Brownie points that you are doing it by choice.

and if you were truly honest here, you would admit that you were protecting yourself, not her. So, stop trying to make yourself out to be some benevolent hero in this tale. You're not. You're a liar — that's the bottom line.

Perhaps you were afraid she would reject you. Maybe you didn't think she would look at you the same way. Whatever the reason, not telling her had nothing to do with protecting her.

And, if you insist on maintaining that when you tell her, she'll see it as another lie. Say I'm sorry and confess your deepest fears that kept you from confiding in her.

She is going to be terribly hurt and question everything. How many little lies have you told to cover for this one big one? She also wonder why you didn't love or trust her enough to be honest with her.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've been on the other end of this. I know what I'm talking about.

Your relationship can emerge from this stronger than ever, but you have to be totally honest about everything, including your scariest feelings, or your relationship will be trapped in the lies.

Wishing you courage and honesty.

your opinion is expecially valuable.

Redstone

Occam's Razor at work here.

Well said.

lol, I forgot my husband had surgery for something as a child, and after we were married 8 years or so, and I knew nothing about it, he had to have major surgery again. And a few years later, yet again.

It didn't occur to me to be mad about it, I wouldn't have even looked at it in that light if it weren't for this thread.

hmmm. It's been a few years, but I wonder if I can get some mileage out of it if I go up there now and act upset.

you can get.

I get the feeling that you're a wonderful wife, as is Mrs. R or, actually I mean, the wife of the guy who asked me to ask you all this question....

Redstone

I'm lazy, and sometimes self-centered, to be honest.

But honestly, I didn't think to be mad at my husband for being sick. And I'd hope your wife would be the same - that if you tell her you have a disease, her reaction would be concern for your health, not anger that she wasn't informed earlier.

but I think in the end, it would all be okay. BTW, I'm almost married for 16 yrs and have known my husband since 7th grade. So it would be a shock, but I love him and in the end that is what matters.

Good Luck, :hug:

I know that I, personally, would feel hurt that so much time had gone by before he felt comfortable telling me. I think I would feel a combination of distrust and anger for some amount of time, but depending on the reasons, the seriousness of the issue, and the relationship aside from that one thing, the length of time could be hours, or it could be... probably weeks, for me.

I agree with the people who said that they'd feel somewhat of a "what else is he hiding/has he hid" kind of thing, for a while.

At the same time, none of us is her, none of us has developed your relationship with her, or been through the things that the two of you have shared together. There's a wide spectrum of feelings here, all of which are valid reactions, and not surprising.

Best of luck to you :hug:

Redstone

what's going on?

we'll be having that talk tomorrow, come what may.

Do you want me to post and tell you what happened (assuming I'm still able)?

Redstone

I haven't said anything yet since there have been so many other good responses in this thread. Anyhoo, good luck.

I'd also wonder what his motive was for keeping that kind of information from me. If he can't tell his WIFE about his disease, who can he tell?

I did not tell MrG of my immunne system issues when I first found out (we were married) because I did not realize the extent of the problems it would end up causing...and did not know how much it would affect us. :hug: I'm sure he had a really good reason. Good luck, let us know how it turns out.

I've read all the posts on this thread and everyone's right to a greater or lesser degree. In my opinion both Old Lefty and Heidi are right. It all comes down to the nuances of the relationship and the medical condition. It must be a very tough situation for this person.

As a wife, I would be hurt. There are 'reasons' to justify and rationalize everything we do. Human beings are generally very good at this. My father often says, 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions' and while I hate cliches, I can't help by think about the truth in that catch phrase. I would feel betrayed. I think the foundation of a marriage is honesty. However, if you're not being completely honest with yourself, how can you be honest with her, in my mind, the whole thing kind of falls apart.

As a wife, I would want to support my s.o. especially in a time of medical crisis. Women are trained to be the ultimate multi-taskers especially when it comes to emotional availability and support. On the flip side of that, men I think, are engendered to have a light switch function when it comes to emotions. It's either on or off. Mad or apathetic. I don't mean to start a rant about gender and society, but I have to say this to help bring to light that fact that while I don't know her, I'm quite confident in saying that she will feel a myriad of emotions which she will have to shift through and deal with. Do not be surprised or resent her if she is both supportive and compassionate one day and angry and crying the next. The both of you will need time, love and counseling.

Life is fleeting and nothing brings that home like a chronic disease. My concern would be wanting to find about about this condition and do everything I could to fight it with my partner. Be brave. Come clean to her with all your fears and ugliness and get counseling for both parities. Trust, for me, is like fiber optics. You cannot isolate this issue from how it will effect the dynamic of the quality of the relationship from this point on. Try to stay positive. The fallout from this may serve as an opportunity to rebuild a stronger relationship. You have all my best.

:hug:

If my husband felt the need to withold that kind of information from me.

"I knew that."

I asked her how she figured it out, and she told me that I hadn't been as clever as I thought I was in giving her the shuck-and-jive over the years and thinking she wouldn't notice things.

I asked why she wasn't upset that I hadn't told her before, and she said "I figured you had your reasons."

All very calmly. No drama at all.

Boy, that was easy. And here I was, worrying. Is Mrs. R a great wife, or what?

Redstone

Boy do I feel like a wanna be physiologist.

It makes sense though, the woman's known you for 20 years. How interesting that no one, including myself, took that into consideration. I gave you advise from the perspective of being completely new to this scenario and information. I still believe there's some trust issues that you two should work through, but who am I? -Just because that's what I feel what I would need from the situation. It seems like in this case your wife knows you better then you know yourself. What a gift, to be able to give someone that much space. I don't know if I agree, but I find it refreshing and I'm genuinely happy for you. Congratulations on coming out and congrats to your wife. Stay healthy.

I guess I'm 15 years late on congratulating you on your wedding, but congrats anyway!

hadn't trusted me with it. (Heck I have my own chronic disease. But it's ahrd to keep ulcerative colitis a secret for 15 weeks, let alone years.)

But overall I would just be worried about him and whether or not the kids have it too.