Have you ever had suicidal thoughts? In what situations?

I've thought about it at times, mostly because of existential pain, not so much life hardship like lack of money or health problems...

:)

Oh, that really got me. That was great!

Hmmmm. Suicidal thoughts. I believe it's a sign of serious mental health to think about suicide at least once a day. In this world, given what it's like and what each and every one of us has to contend with out there, it's simply a sign that you're sentient and functioning well and highly aware and thoughtful enough to know that there has to be something better than this sorry state in which we live.

The novelist Walker Percy was a friend of mine. We had a number of conversations that went down this road. He put people in two categories: the non-suicides and the ex-suicides.

"Non-suicides" were the people who floated, oblivious, through their days. They never stopped to consider the consequences of anything they might do or say, and the concept of existential pain or joy or anything not directly related to their physical well-being never entered into their limited and narrow frame of reference.

"Ex-suicides," on the other hand, were best characterized by the man who gets up in the morning, gets ready for work, has breakfast with his family, picks up his briefcase/backpack/whatever, heads out the door, stands there for a moment considering whether or not he should end his life that day, decides to give it another chance, and heads for his car.

The best people I've known have all been ex-suicides, and still are. We're the ones who are paying attention.

Feel better?

I had a terrible and abusive childhood. Pretty much ALL I thought about from say - age 12 (when it first occurred to me it was an option) to almost age 17. I was completely alone, unloved, and tormented. I can still remember what it feels like to feel like you are going to "snap" and completely lose the last thread of your sanity at any second. And because I was a child - there was nothing I could do to shape my own destiny, to remove myself from my abuse.

I made some attempts - some "testing the waters" and the last one, "for REAL." The last one terrified me - which was quite unexpected, as I truly, honestly wanted to die. Once I'd placed myself in the position where death was likely, something changed. It was almost a spiritual awakening - I really don't know how to describe it other than something outside myself. :shrug: Thankfully, I got through that terrible time without dying - and only a seriously fucked up stomach to show for it. NEVER thought about suicide again - no matter how terrible it was or it became. Not once. Quite a feat, considering it was ALL I thought about until that point.

I think it was in the Times, but I'm not sure. Long time ago.

It was about the people who'd attempted suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, but who had survived.

The only thing I remember from it is that every single one of them, on the way down, was trying to figure out a way to get back up there.

So, when you say you had an awakening, I daresay you took yourself out to that same place the surviving jumpers found - that place that seeks to preserve and maintain life.

Good for you.

The people I've known who committed suicide used guns and left notes explaining very carefully why they were doing it. In fact, their reasons made sense to me. They no longer had the attachment to life that you did, and for that, I am sorry. But, I understand, no matter how much I miss them still.

I certainly never thought I had an attachment to life then - even looking back in hindsight I would swear to you I did not.

Thank goodness I didn't use a gun - or there would have likely been no chance of survival. I ate an entire - large - bottle of aspirin. I'm VERY lucky I didn't die - because I wasn't doing it to make a "point" or for attention the LAST thing I wanted to do after having a change of heart was to alert my abusers to what I'd done. So I didn't. I told no one, and suffered, sick and alone, for the better part of a week. Throwing up blood, you name it. I've never been so scared in my life, either.

It means, "It's a good day to die" but it's not motivated out of depression. It's motivated out of the will to live, LIVE. You have to be fearless, it's the way you were created. Be fearless. You can do anything in the world if you are prepared, but not motivated, to die. Think of "Hoka-Hey". Think of the "Hoka Hey" tribe members who used that as their warring cry. Could you do that for me? PM me.

point or another.

other than that, no, I don't think about it.

under a car and that'll teach you!" thought when I was younger.

However, I find even when I say that I wish I would never wake up again when I _really_ think about it I know that's not true. It's not that I want to die, I just want whatever is bothering me to die.

I just wanted better weather and cooler people to hang out with and less drudge-work to do. Truly, Minnesota/Wisconsin weather is quite depressing sometimes, when it rains for like ten straight days. I call it the "Wisconsin water torture". After about five hours, I will confess to anything, just please make it stop! 'It never rains in south Wisconsin, but girl, don't they warn you, it drizzles, man it drizzles.'

Not as much recently but I used to all the time when i was a teenager.

It is kind of like masturbation, I'd guess. 99% of us do, and 1% lies about not doing it.


Laura

and have had some serious bouts off and on most of my life, including one nearly successful suicide attempt.

After I came out of 5 days in the ICU, I was very glad that I had not suceeded. However, I still think about it. - I see suicide as a treatment option. Life, in any event, is a terminal condition.

I think it was because I read "The Sufferings of Young Werther" and listened to Pink Floyd's "The Wall". Plus, I was afraid of the world's continued rejection, but by now I am used to it.

are you doing ok?

...a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

yours, SS.

What made you think of such a sad topic of conversation? You doing OK?

Money problems, generally.

Won't tell though. But the info is embarrassingly easy to find.

At least, for now, in our culture of life, someone tells the masses of an easy way out. :-(

(missed communications, unfinished or incomplete thoughts) for someone else to clean up, or discern in absentia = family, friends, people that i do love even if they may not love me in return.

plus, i've known people who've done just that and it is messy sending ripples of existential pain & suffering both to the innocent & the not so, all over again, for them to carry so, fortunately, however, i've always found another way to 'deal'.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Mostly I want to kill myself becuase of lack of money, the fact that I am a burden and a disappointment to my family.

refer you to someone who might help? I'm so sorry you feel so badly about life and yourself. You are a valuable member of the human race, please recognize that value and hold on to it.


I am probably no help at all, but I do care. Your post touched me deeply.

:hug:

please feel free to PM if EVER you want to or need to just talk.

sincerely
aA

They got the local police to come to my house at 3 am. Scares the bejeezus out of me. They DID NOT tell me that they would send anyone! I understand where they are coming from, but at LEAST warn me on the phone about it. THE COPS SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF ME!!!!! I am NEVER calling that hotline again even though I am sucidal! Treat me like I am an idiot, well I am, but have some respect!

and wanted to make sure you stuck around.

Hope things improve for you, E. :)

Please, please take it from me - I've had a very, very difficult life, and most of my adult years were while living under the poverty level. Everything passes - things change, and things DO get better. Hang in there, sweetie. The trials of life are what make us better, more compassionate and understanding human beings.

And for the record - I know what I said to you sounds "weak" - but it really is the truth. You are a better person - because of what you have gone through. The world is desperately in need of better people - and it's not the self-absorbed narcissistic scumbags usually thinking about offing themselves. We need you!

which is why the world would be better off without me. But don't worry about me...

Unless you're a secret troll that loves GWB you are NONE of those things.

Just the fact that you're a DK fan speaks VOLUMES.

Love ya,

Another Kucitizen

Thanks, Madrone I don't like Dubya at all.

and you are not these things.

:hug:

if you are not currently, please consider talking to someone about anti-depressants. they can make a huge difference in your quality of life.

I don't want to be a pain in your ass here - but if you'd like to pm me with your story, please feel welcome to do so. I have experiences of my own I would be willing share.

At the moment I have to get ready to leave for a meeting with the mother of my mentee - but I will be back in a few hours and will be happy to answer anything then.

I'd also be more than willing to call you if you'd like to talk to someone that won't unleash the pigs on you. ;)

For now - I must get ready and go to my appointment.

please. I love you. Please don't do anything stupid. You're a smart girl. Just PM me, ok?

again being treated for depression, self mutilation, suicidal thoughts. This is the third time this year. I grew up abused and was blamed for ruining my mom's life and had I not been born she could have been fulfilling all her dreams, etc. She said not to tell anybody about when she hit me (or when my brother did that and other things) cuz she said then everyone would know what a bad person I am. I, needless to say, suffer from depression but am on meds and get up every damn day, totally terrified, to give it another try. I started treatment when my daughter was about 2 years old cuz I got angry with her and she looked at me like ... mom? I don't understand?. I started treatment.

I was a stay at home mom, we tried to give her good, positive experiences and said no when necessary. Her dad spent hours with her talking in the park, going on walks, etc. She is smart, pretty and has a job where she is so well liked that when she comes home for vacation or spring break, she always gets a few hours of work and has a guaranteed summer job.

But she feels she was abused and that no one likes her and that she is a burden. She demands so much and I can't always give it to her, and it seems like everything I do is wrong. My son is happy, healthy, and doesn't understand why she says she was abused. Anyway, I drove four hours last Sunday to be with her as she just broke up with her boyfriend, to make sure she was okay and when I left she seemed fine, well, strong enough to manage for two weeks till the end of school. I got home 4 a.m., worked, couldn't sleep and the next day at work I was exhausted and get a phone call from her counselor saying I should come down and get her cuz she is suidical with a plan. Anyway, I couldn't even thing about doing that and so she put my daughter in a hospital there where our insurance only pays 75 percent. She called on Wednesday and asked when I was going to come see her and I simply lost it. All of my frustrations and not anger but sort of anger came out and I cried and cried and told her my side of how this was affecting me. It was so horrible cuz I couldn't stop talking, or crying .... Something had snapped in me, but today I'm feeling a little stronger.

Well, anyway, I'm sad other have such harsh and ugly feelings and thoughts, I have them, she is having them, and it is hard, but it helps to know others have managed to come through it and it is good to hear things like those shared on this thread. Thank you all for sharing and talking about sad things.

Good for you. You told your daughter the truth - you told her about yourself, your life, your history, and you made yourself real to her.

The "snapping" was you giving up the pretense. The sound of honesty and reality breaking through. Absolutely healthy and sound.

Good for you.

This might - or might not - change the dynamic between you and your daughter for the better. But, what you want to examine - and if you have a therapist, do try to discuss this - is how your daughter's behavior towards you is mirroring your mother's towards you. There's always a repetition factor in these situations, and you have more power - you really do - than you might think.

By the way, I don't think anyone here has posted ugly or harsh thoughts - especially you. They've posted honestly, and that's always beautiful. Like you.

You made me look at this differently and maybe I need not feel so bad and keep kicking myself. Something was puzzling me about this and today I learned my sister-in-law was curious about something too, but we couldn't put our finger on it. Maybe you have opened up a new room for us to explore.

My counselor is the partner to the one she will start seeing. I didn't really like him, but she feels comfortable with him. This week when I talked to him about this he was very supportive and excited about working with her. He even offered to help us look for scholarships for college students with special needs.

And you are right, yesterday her daddy talked to her and she was more open and she told him "mom is so upset". He explained it was not anger or anything against her, just scared and frustrated for her and feeling helpless.

It is funny how a few days ago I was pretending I could get off this planet (which is how I tend with overwhelming feelings cuz I know I couldn't leave my family in a bad place like that) but each day a little ray of sunshine has poked through the clouds; a kind word, a listening person. Thank you so much.

is find her a hospital. I checked myself in 19 years ago and stayed for two months. Second hardest decision of my life. Best decision of my life. Best wishes to you and your daughter.

Please, stop it! PLEASE!!!!!!!!! PLEASE! Will you please stop it for me? I love you people! I LOVE YOU! You've made a difference in my life and I can't bear the thought of any of you ending it. I'm crying for the first time in months, and I can't stop! PLEASE PM me and I'll gladly talk you out of it. I'm confident I can. Just don't harm yourself, OK? PLEASE!!!!!

PM me.

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There are people who love you. You people, please know that there are people who appreciate you, and we have problems ourselves. OK? PM me.

This is private info, and I'd gladly speak of it to you in a PM. Gladly.

:hug:

about why your background qualifies you as some kind of suicide help line? Perhaps it is well known and I have no idea... Not doubting it, just verifying... Thanks.

as some kind of suicide help line.

Not at all. I'm a graphic designer. I have absolutely no professional experience with suicides. I just want to do what I can to help any DUers who are feeling depressed, and that includes you.

I hate it that there are people considering suicide. I think it's not an option.

you had any background in counseling etc or not. What you are doing is great. Thanks.

Sometimes the only thing potential suicides need is someone to listen to them. It doesn't have to be a professional.

I know because I've been there, years ago. I had no one to talk to because I shared a college campus, a major, a dorm, and all the same friends as my boyfriend. When we broke up, he got the friends.

I was desperate, and I did something stupid. All it would have taken was for someone to have listened to me rant for a little while. I didn't feel there was anyone I could trust who wouldn't go running back to him with the information.

If SugarSmack is offering that, I'd say anyone reading should grab it and hold on. I've found SS to be a sweet and caring person. And that's a damn bit more than you are right now.

who you are talking to. If somebody is trained in suicide counseling (not that I'd advocate doing that online) or simply a friendly ear.

I want to say it's alright to be bitter and hate-filled, it's alright to be desperate. Just TAKE the fucking help where you can get it! TAKE it! FUCKING TAKE IT.

to have the compassion of: The Buddha imo

a friendly ear just does not cut it. There are various, complex dynamics you have to be aware of to manage them properly. As I said, a friendly person who listens is good. It's just not enough in many cases.

by whose do you bring these matters forward to dismiss them with a snap of your fingers :shrug: when in many other cases, as you've alluded to so flatly, it is simply a matter of this,

GET TOUGH CREME PUFF!!!

long live the thread.

a wasting away, deterioration, or diminution: intellectual atrophy

Crippling, chronic depression, unable to see any light at the end of the interminable tunnel. No longer, thank goodness, but I sure do have a lot of compassion for those who do.

Really, about the only thing that kept me from doing it was the knowledge that I'd be leaving my kids without a mother - I lost my mother early and wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I'm so grateful to still be here. Sometimes it scares me to think about how close I came on occasion.

:hug:

It's happy, has a nice beat... It makes me happy whenever I listen to it.

At that point, emptiness suddenly envelopes you... Ever noticed it?...

I still fight it but I don't think I will do it . Its hard for me to share my story because I don't want to scare people away from me . My thoughts have come from anxiety , depression and just plain fear .

I got off them in a hurry.

just too fucking much.

Somehow, something, someone, something kept hope alive in me. Thank the Great Whatever that it did. I am so glad to be here. It took several years of unimaginable indescribable hell to work through why I wanted to die, but I did.

I am here to tell other people that there is happiness and freedom on the other side. I wish I could tell you the very path for you, but I can't. All I can tell you is that it's totally okay to hope for the better day, because it won't let you down. It'll come.

The pain is unbearable, but somehow, valis, we bear it. I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry you're hurting. :hug:

Please don't check out.

This thread has taken an unfortunate turn.
If any poster needs help, please call this hotline: 1-800-784-2433