critique my sappy song - Democratic Underground

cestpaspossible

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Sat May-21-05 05:32 PM
Original message

critique my sappy song

Edited on Sat May-21-05 05:33 PM by cestpaspossible

and if I were a captain
sailin on the deep blue sea
I'd sail my ship towards you
that's my idea of being free

and if I were a rainbow
You'd be the sun that gave me life
Shinin thru the clouds and darkness
makin me real with your light

and I love you
No words ever rang so true
doesn't matter if you do
cuz I love you

and if I were a mountain
you'd be the earth beneath my feet
the bedrock that sustained me
the bones inside my meat

and if I were an eagle
you'd be the wind on which I flew
soaring high above the mountains
I'd be lifted up by you

cuz I love you
No words ever rang so true
doesn't matter if you do
cuz I love you

je t'aime

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Madrone

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Sat May-21-05 05:41 PM
Response to Original message

1. I like it....

But this part - the bones inside my meat - really cracked me up, and I don't think that's what you were probably going for. ;)

It doesn't fit with the rest.

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cestpaspossible

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Sat May-21-05 05:51 PM
Response to Reply #1

3. Yeah I tried to come up with a line to replace it

Edited on Sat May-21-05 05:52 PM by cestpaspossible

but I couldn't come up with another 'feet' rhyme that expressed what I was saying and I tried alot of stuff besides 'earth beneath my feet' that wasn't right either

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Madrone

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Sat May-21-05 05:58 PM
Response to Reply #3

5. How about -

changing it around a little? Maybe something like "you'd be the earth supporting my weight" - ?? instead of feet? Then rhyme with weight? Fate?

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auntAgonist

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Sat May-21-05 05:53 PM
Response to Reply #1

4. thinking .....

where hearts and souls will meet .. (?) as opposed to bones and meat?

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Madrone

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Sat May-21-05 05:59 PM
Response to Reply #4

6. Good call! :)

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cestpaspossible

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Sat May-21-05 06:04 PM
Response to Reply #4

8. well

bones inside meat keeps going the image of something that is essential for existence, a foundation rather than a meeting... just as the rainbow can't exist without the sun, the eagle can't fly without the wind, and the mountain does not exist independently of the earth... meeting evokes a different image and feeling to me... but yeah, I wasn't too happy with that line either... I'm thinking...

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auntAgonist

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Sat May-21-05 06:09 PM
Response to Reply #8

9. I sure don't think it's a bad line .. and....

it's your song. A fine song it is too. I guess I was just responding to the post about that particular line. If YOU are happy with it in there, that's all that matters.

please don't be offended.

aA

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cestpaspossible

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Sat May-21-05 06:13 PM
Response to Reply #9

10. I like it but

Edited on Sat May-21-05 06:29 PM by cestpaspossible

I understand how it could be jarring... don't worry about me being offended, after all, I did post a request to critique what I wrote...

I think the problem with the line is that people are used to hearing the word 'meat' used in reference to what they are eating, rather than their own flesh, as I meant it here...of course you could also say that makes it a strong line because it is more thought provoking than what people are used to hearing... after all, we are talking about it...

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Madrone

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Sat May-21-05 06:23 PM
Response to Reply #8

11. ????

and if I were a mountain
you'd be the earth shouldering my weight
the bedrock under my foundation
keeping me grounded in our fate

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nuxvomica

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Sat May-21-05 07:17 PM
Response to Reply #8

12. Maybe you should go a different way with the mountain metaphor

I was thinking that the earth beneath the mountain is a tough metaphor to go with. I thought of this, which is off-the-cuff but might give you an idea of different directions: If I were a mountain/You'd be the mist that cools my slopes/And feeds my streams/Like you feed my hopes
I like the use of different analogies but that's not easy to pull off in a serious song. One of the best examples of this type is Cole Porter's "You're the Top," which works largely because it's very light. I think you've got a good start, though, and I'd like to see how it turns out. :thumbsup:

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Droopy

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Sat May-21-05 05:45 PM
Response to Original message

2. Pretty good

If your are into writing verse and rhyme may I suggest the DU Poetry Group. There are a lot of good poems being posted there.

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Chicago Democrat

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Sat May-21-05 06:00 PM
Response to Original message

7. I like the punk version

Screaming it really fast over thrashing pinheads!

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cestpaspossible

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Sat May-21-05 07:46 PM
Response to Reply #7

13. Is there another version?

just kidding

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